My adoptive parents had let me move into the guest house when I started college to give me more privacy. I don’t think they understand that I hate all the privacy most of the time because it’s lonely, and I’ve had enough lonely in my life, but they insisted. I couldn’t complain tonight, because right now, that privacy is just what I need.
I won’t go into details, because let’s face it, I don’t want you all knowing what happened between my girl and I. Those memories are ours, and I don’t want anyone else knowing them. It goes without saying that our night together was fantastic. The important life changing part of this whole experience happened the next day.
What you do need to know though, is that I had said some things that night, things that ruined us. I told her that I wanted her for more than a night, that I wanted a relationship with her. At the time, I meant it, I swear I did. I woke up the morning after, and I panicked. I had the girl of my dreams asleep in my arms, and I was hit with all sudden need to run away.
I learned at a young age that people leave. I also learned that booze and drugs can make people do stupid things, like hit their own kids. Lying in bed with my dream girl, I knew I didn’t want any of that to touch her life. I didn’t want the chance to screw her up the way I am. I knew if I wanted to save her, I had to walk away, which meant that I had to lie. I had to tell her that I lied about wanting a relationship with her. I knew she was going to hate my guts, but it was the only way to keep her safe from me.
The heart break would come later. For now, she was still asleep, so I decided to just watch her. I was taking every ounce of her in, storing what she looked like in my brain for later. She was in one of my old shirts, and she had never looked more beautiful. She looked like she had been extremely satisfied, many times. Her hair was a disheveled mess, but it only added to her well-loved look.
After a few minutes her eyes fluttered open and she stretched. When she felt my hand on her waist she looked over her shoulder and smiled lazily. I didn’t want to break her heart yet. I didn’t want to kill the pure joy radiating from her eyes, but I knew I was going to have to. It’s better to do this now rather than later when she’s extremely attached to me.
“We need to talk,” I said quietly.
Just like that her joy dimmed. She knows me well enough that she could tell something was wrong. I could see her starting to shut down behind her eyes, trying to protect herself from whatever I was about to say.
“Ok,” she whispered.
We both sat up and I braced myself for what was coming. “Look Kami, about what I said last night. You know the whole wanting a relationship thing.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Well…I lied. I only said that so you’d sleep with me.”
I kept my eyes trained on hers. I expected anger from her, but she surprised me yet again. Instead of anger sparking in her eyes, I watched the life drain from them, leaving nothing but a cold detachedness. She nodded and got out of bed, slipping her shorts on. She grabbed her shirt and bra, but didn’t put them on. She stayed in my shirt, walking out the door. I didn’t move. I was too busy hating myself. I got up and went out into the living room, hoping I could still salvage a relationship to keep her in my life.
“Kami, I…” I started to say.
“Don’t, you’ve said and done enough,” she said quietly, completely devoid of emotion.
I sighed and wandered back into my room. I had just lost her, and it hurt like hell. It hurt even more that I did it to myself, but it was better for her this way. I couldn’t force myself to go back out there and face her. It would just make me hate myself even more. Seeing that cold, closed off version of Kami scared me, because usually she’s so warm and open with me. She must have called someone to pick her up, because a little while later I heard a horn and the front door of the guest house slamming shut.
Just like that, I lost the best thing I had ever had. I lost the only girl who would ever matter to me. I lost the girl that I love. I lost my everything, and there was nothing I could do to get that back unless I could somehow conquer my demons. I knew that if I was ever going to, it would be so that I could get her back. For her, I would do anything.
A thought hit me, nearly knocking me on my butt. Every time I pitch, I step up to the mound and face fear and uncertainty. This isn’t any different. I would have to step up to the mound and face down my demons, because living without Kami just isn’t an option anymore.
Chapter 1
Kami
Present day
I hate weddings with a passion. All this happiness is making my broken heart throb like nothing else can. On top of my horrible hatred for my best friend’s happiness, I am standing across from Reed, the guy who decimated my heart.
After he broke my heart I didn’t think it could get any worse, but of course it did. Ever since it happened Reed has been hanging around trying to get me to forgive him. I can’t do it, no matter how much my heart is dying to. He broke me to the point where I don’t even want to pick up the pieces of my heart. I’m just sitting here staring at the pieces of my heart like they are a foreign object, which I guess they are at this point.
He left me broken, and unbeknownst to both of us at the time, pregnant. No one knows, not even Alara. I couldn’t risk her telling Reed, especially when I don’t ever plan on telling him. I’ve kept my daughter Kaia all to myself, and done what I can to give her a good life. She is always going to know that her mother loves her, and even if she wasn’t planned, she is wanted.
I have never loved anyone the way I love Reed. I guess that’s what makes this whole thing worse. I glance at Reed and see that his eyes are fixed on me, and I am filled with the desire to run away and cry. I stuff down that desire and keep my gaze on Alara until the minister pronounces them husband and wife. I follow the crowd out of the church, and before she can slip into the limo that’s waiting, Alara turns and wraps her arms around me.
“Thank you, I know standing across from him like that wasn’t easy for you,” she whispers before letting me go.
God, I am the world’s worst friend. She should have been so blissfully happy and focused on Carson, but instead she was worried about me. Why can’t I just suck it up and pretend to be ok for my best friend’s sake? Why do I have to be so selfish when my best friend is always so selfless? I watch them drive to the reception, not moving until the limo is out of sight. I feel Reed walking towards me, so I turn and run to my car. I hop in and tear out of the parking lot like I’m being chased.
Catching His Heart (Love And Baseball Book 1) Page 16
