Bonus Material: The Origin of Monty Python’s Christmas in Heaven Is Revealed for the First Time
Once upon a time people died. Believers ascended to Heaven to dwell in the house of the Lord (animated version from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) forever, while unrepentant sinners were immediately escorted (by the Grim Reaper from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life) to Hell. Heaven and Hell were structured to reward the saved and punish sinners. Since salvation is its own reward, those in Heaven spent eternity singing hymns and praying to God (led by Michael Palin’s chaplain from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life). Since sin is its own punishment, Hell was designed (by interior decorator Graham Chapman) in a manner conducive to sin, thereby ensuring everlasting suffering. Inhabitants of Hell were furnished with gambling, liquor, and whores. An eternity of debauchery (and annoying parenthetical interruptions) would teach them a lesson they would never forget. Expensive material goods were purchased from Acme Decadence, Inc. to promote high-stakes wagering; the scorching climate encouraged the removal of clothing which facilitated fornication.59 As everyone knows, nothing goes with gambling and whoring like booze. Unfortunately the plan backfired when, incredibly, the residents actually enjoyed their vulgar surroundings. Word of the “suffering” soon reached Heaven and all Hell broke loose. A group of trustees in Heaven (led by John Cleese) filed a class-action discrimination suit claiming that the sinners had received preferential treatment. The case was settled out of court and the afterlife stations were redesigned (by new decorator Eric Idle). Henceforth sinners would be mounted on rotisseries to roast forever, creating the Hell we have all come to know and love. The saved were awarded material compensation for renouncing worldly possessions on Earth. As a measure of good faith, the trustees agreed to maintain a prominent role for Christ (Terry Jones) in the new and improved Heaven. In an ingenious compromise, both sides promised that every day would be Christmas, and Santa Claus (Terry Gilliam, who did not want the part but failed his auditions for other roles) would deliver gifts to the faithful. That is how Christmas became merry!
Hell (Capitalized because Heaven Was Capitalized)
In Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, after dutifully praising God, the chaplain (Michael Palin) leads the congregation in the following song.
O Lord, please don’t burn us,
Don’t grill or toast your flock.
Don’t put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock.
Don’t braise of bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Apparently there is reason for even the faithful to live in a state of fear and trembling. Since all human beings are born into filthy sin and cannot cleanse themselves, their fate is determined by God. He is the final authority on sin and is accountable to no one. We cannot know how He will decide, and it would be imprudent to wait until Judgment Day to persuade the court. Therefore, the best approach for believers is to beg their loving God in advance for mercy. By having the song follow the prayer, the scene illustrates how ridiculous it is for Christians to worship a God they believe may at any moment capriciously chuck them all into Hell. In the Christian tradition Hell is presented as the final destination for sinners who fail to repent. Nevertheless, as the scene demonstrates, the faithful live in terror that despite their righteousness, they too may be judged unworthy and sentenced to burn forever in the eternal flame.
Socrates would reject that God behaves this way, and in the Apology he explains why the virtuous need not fear death or the afterlife. According to Socrates, death is either a state in which the dead are nothing, with no perception of anything, or death is simply the relocation of the soul from one realm to another. If death is the former, then it is like a dreamless sleep. If death is the latter, souls of the virtuous join those of great men and women already deceased. Imagine abiding with the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, and the Godfather of Soul, James Brown.60
A Short but Grave Reflection about God and Hell (You Can Use This at Your Judgment-Day Trial to Defend Your Wickedness and Disbelief)
The Pythons’ “Please don’t burn us” song asks us to consider the following. The righteous should have no fear of Hell. If God is good and just, as believers claim, why would He condemn the righteous to Hell? The concern that He could do exactly that stems from the Christian portrayal of God as unpredictable and wrathful. After all, God condemned the descendents of Adam and Eve (us) before they were born. According to the Christian tradition, Heaven is not a reward for faithful service, but a gift from God which He may award or withhold. But if God condemns the righteous to Hell as well as the wicked, there is little incentive to be righteous for Heaven’s sake. The Pythons are able to draw humor from these scenes because of the unspoken belief of righteous yet “God-fearing” Christians. If the faithful and righteous must live in fear, God must be one bad-mutha-shut-yomouth.
Justice (A Philosopher Is Observed)
In an early scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail, a mob intends to burn a woman whom they claim is a witch. How do they know she is a witch? She looks like one. The mob’s chief representative, Eric Idle, confesses that they dressed the woman to look like a witch, but nevertheless insists she is a witch. Apparently clothes make the woman. A philosophical cleric, played by Terry Jones, announces that there is a logical way to determine whether the woman in question is actually a witch. He leads them through the following (slightly abridged) line of reasoning:JONES: What do you do with witches?
IDLE/MOB: Burn them!
JONES: What do you burn apart from witches?
IDLE/MOB: Wood.
JONES: So, why do witches burn?
IDLE/MOB: ’Cause they’re made of wood?
JONES: Good! How do we tell if she is made of wood? Does wood sink in water?
IDLE/MOB: No, it floats.
JONES: What else floats in water?
IDLE/MOB: A duck.
JONES: So, logically, if she weighs the same as a duck . . .
IDLE/MOB: She’s made of wood!
JONES: And therefore?
IDLE/MOB: A witch!
This scene presents how believers are willing to distort logic in their zeal to execute what they perceive to be God’s will. God is drawn into the situation because witches are considered dangerous since they have magical powers and practice sorcery. According to religious superstition witches cannot command supernatural entities loyal to God, so their influence is limited to evil spirits. Since witches conspire with these enemies of God, they are God’s enemies, and God’s enemies must be destroyed. The mob’s determination to burn the witch, in His holy name, means they believe that God is not able or willing to act and delegates authority to humans.
A later scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail asserts that God not only sanctions the earthly destruction of His enemies, but provides the instruments to do so. When the knights are confronted by the killer rabbit that has savagely attacked members of the party, and more importantly, interfered with the mission ordered by God, the rabbit must be annihilated, in His holy name. As the knights prepare to unleash the Holy Hand Grenade, which has been blessed for such use by God Himself, an assistant cleric (Michael Palin) offers the following reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 2:And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying “O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin.
Evidently no job is too small when it comes to eliminating God’s opponents. God needs his defenders of the faith to overcome whatever sentiments they may have for killing women and rabbits if His will is to be done. The case of the rabbit is not at all ambiguous. This vicious little bunny was caught red-handed (get it?) in the act of multiple assault and homicide and should be terminated with extreme prejudice to prevent any further interference with holy missions and serve as deterrent to other rabbits. There is some doubt about whether the woman is actually a witch, but it is better to err on the side of safety. The risk
is greater if the mob releases the woman only to discover later that she is a witch, than to burn her only to learn that she was not. So logically it is better to burn the woman on the chance that she might be a witch. If the mob is wrong, there is no harm done. The woman simply receives her Heavenly reward61 ahead of schedule. Besides, she might have been chucked into Hell anyway.
The mob of stoners in Monty Python’s Life of Brian and the knights that destroy the rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail believe that their actions are just because they are sanctioned by God, which further implies that any action sanctioned by God is for that reason just.
The question raised by the Pythons of whether an act which seems unjust is nevertheless just if sanctioned by God is an ancient problem. In fact, the topic is the subject of a Socratic dialogue called the Euthyphro. Socrates meets Euthyphro in the city’s center and learns that the young man has come to indict his own father because, Euthyphro insists, it is the pious thing to do. When Socrates challenges him to define piety, Euthyphro asserts that piety is that which is loved by the gods. Socrates asks whether a given act is pious because it is loved by the gods, or whether it is loved by the gods because it is pious. The same question is applicable to justice. Another way to put the question is to ask whether justice is determined by God and dependent upon God, or whether justice is embraced by God but independent of God. The former construction, which Euthyphro, the stoners and the knights evidently support, is problematic because it asserts that any action, no matter how monstrous it may seem, is just if authorized by God.
The examples of the witch and rabbit demonstrate why the character of God is so important. If God is angry and vengeful and orders the earthly destruction of His enemies, then it would seem that He is capable of ordering acts considered wicked. On the other hand, if God is perfect, and human characteristics and weaknesses are not applicable to Him, then wickedness cannot be performed in His name and cannot be attributed to Him.
Prayer (A Euphemism for Butt-Kissing and Begging)
In Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, Part II: Growth and Learning, the Python troupe has a little fun with church prayer. After some informational remarks by John Cleese, Michael Palin formally tells the congregation, “Let us praise God,” and leads them in the following prayer, which they dutifully repeat.
Oh, Lord. Ooh, you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell you. Forgive us, O Lord, for this our dreadful toadying. [Congregation] And barefaced flattery. But you’re so strong and, well, just so super. [Congregation] Fantastic. Amen.
Believers are expected to constantly acknowledge the greatness of God. This form of prayer includes giving thanks to God for all He has given us. We are not only appreciative of the products and services we receive, but for our very lives, which persist only because of His will. Refusal to give thanks is not merely impolite, but the worst form of ingratitude. Even those in pain and misery must not appear ungrateful, for that too comes from God. These sorts of prayers imply that God wants and needs human praise, and never tires of hearing about His infinite might and goodness from His humble servants. Apparently God has an insatiable ego that centuries of worship have not satisfied and requires His followers to forever stand in awe of His magnificence. Believers must utter every word with passion or risk falling out of His favor and being, that’s right, chucked into Hell. The congregation’s acknowledgement of “barefaced flattery” conveys their recognition that God must be aware that they cannot continuously generate such worship with sincerity. In summary, prayer is an integral part of man’s relation to God. Prayer is our means of giving thanks for His many wonderful blessings. Prayer is how we acknowledge His greatness and goodness. Finally, prayer is required and one had better perform this duty or risk being chucked into Hell.
The Pythons present a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail which confirms Socrates’s view that a perfect God has no need of these displays of bowing and scraping. God appears in a cloud and Arthur and his men immediately drop to their knees. “Don’t grovel!” God bellows, “If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s people groveling.” When Arthur begins to apologize for groveling, God interrupts with, “And don’t apologize! Every time I talk to someone, it’s ‘Sorry this’ and ‘Forgive me that’ and “I’m not worthy.’”
In the Euthyphro, Socrates explains why God has no interest in this type of worship. Euthyphro claims that piety involves care of the gods, or service to the gods, which is performed through sacrifice and prayer. Socrates instructs that sacrifice and prayer cannot be wanted or needed by God since to sacrifice is to make a gift to God and to pray is to beg from God. A proper gift is that which another needs or wants. Since God is not in need or want of anything, we cannot give Him a gift. Since God has already provided all that we need, it is offensive and ungrateful to ask for more. Socrates adds that we sacrifice in order to beg more comfortably. So sacrifice and prayer are little more than trading and bargaining with God. God has no need or want of such commerce, so we should not conduct these practices, certainly not in His name.
The Christian God is a personal fatherly god, so it is not surprising that people approach God as children approach their parents for favors. A common prayer is the request for services in which the needy, or merely desirous, ask God to produce or prevent a certain outcome. The requests for services suggest that God’s will is unstable, susceptible to pleading and weeping. Believers sometimes say that God can be moved by our prayers, but the Pythons encourage us to consider this belief. If God’s wisdom is infinitely greater than ours, and all that happens is part of His master plan, why would He change His mind because we beg? If we believe the aforementioned, why would we beg?
It’s little wonder that Christians make many claims about God that seem incredible, outrageous, and just plain silly. In the Bible, God creates the heavens and earth and gives his favorite creatures special privileges, but in a flash of rage takes it all back. God presents a fruit tree to Adam and Eve though they are forbidden to partake (some gift!), commands Abraham to sacrifice his son and heaps misfortune on Job. And there is plenty more drama where that came from. There is a contrasting image of the Christian God as loving and merciful, but the more turbulent characterization is responsible for the doctrines and practices lampooned by the Pythons. If biblical tales of an angry and vengeful God are meant to be taken literally, then Christians are sensible to take measures to avoid His wrath. It is often the case that religious beliefs are not arrived at and maintained through a process of careful reflection. Philosophy performs the service of critical analysis, but religious belief and superstition have been notoriously resistant to intellectual examination. Using humor to illustrate how ludicrous particular beliefs appear when their consequences are acted out for our benefit, the Pythons succeed in challenging us to question certain religious assumptions. That’s not to say that belief in God should be extinguished, but if our behavior looks ridiculous when played for our entertainment, perhaps we should examine beliefs and practices attributed to God that seem so absurd.
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Monty Python and David Hume on Religion
JOHN HUSS
“Is God really real?”This is a perennial question for the philosophy of religion. Fortunately, the Pythons have answers to it. Perhaps too many answers. If we asked Arthur, King of the Britons, he would certainly testify that God exists, speaks English, and can’t stand people groveling, averting their eyes, ceaselessly apologizing, and deeming themselves unworthy. Yet when we begin inquiring into Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, “there is some doubt” about whether God is really real, or, to put it more philosophically, there is doubt over whether God’s existence can be established through a valid argument. There is a long philosophical tradition of constructing rational arguments for the existence and attributes of God, and an equally long skeptical tradition of deconstructing those same arguments. The Pythons have been exemplary participants in the latter tradition, either throu
gh parody, or by echoing in a funnier and more succinct way the skeptical arguments of such philosophical predecessors as Scottish philosopher David Hume (1711-1776).
Causes and Reasons
In the Natural History of Religion (1757), Hume made an important philosophical distinction between causes of and reasons for religious belief. By the reason for a belief, Hume meant an argument in its favor that appeals to shared norms of rationality, premises, and rules of reasoning that everyone can agree on. The cause of a belief is the particular set of environmental, historical, or personal circumstances that led an individual to hold the belief, whether or not it is rational to do so (we will return to a discussion of causes later in this chapter).62 In Hume’s day, there were a number of arguments for the existence and attributes of God—reasons to believe. He was highly critical of these arguments.
The Ontological Argument
An ingenious argument for the existence of God was concocted by St. Anselm, Archbishop of Canterbury (1033-1109). St. Anselm’s argument, the Ontological Argument, was written in the form of a prayer, and began with the following lines:Oh Lord, ooh, You are so big, so absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you. Forgive us, oh Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying. And barefaced flattery. But You’re so strong and just so super. Fantastic. Amen.
So said St. Anselm. Well, not really. Actually this was the prayer of the school chaplain in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. However, St. Anselm did advance a similarly superlative premise asserting God’s greatness:God is that being than whom no greater being can be conceived.
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