by Nicky Webber
Dearest Vida
Your missive filled me with conflicting emotions. I’ve read it several times to make sure I fully understand. After thinking it through, I feel you can really say and do nothing. It is best to keep well out of the situation. You don’t say if you have hard evidence? I can only assume that you have, as it’s quite a thing, to believe your grandson Hawke is not Fred’s son. I know you say Hawke looks so similar to Logan and as he’s growing into his teens, his mannerisms are identical. But Dearest Logan, of course, lives with Maddy and Fred.
This domestic arrangement is likely to influence any child under the same roof. They are all in this together, as you rightly point out.
I would counsel you to take care. Think through every aspect before approaching Maddy with your concerns. They have made their choices in life and are living this way. Ask yourself what would you gain by bringing this issue up with your daughter, Maddy? I suspect it will only foster resentment and anger. Two results you can well do without.
Anyway, if this is not your business, it is certainly not mine. But from my perch on the other side of the world, I send you my love and hope to see you again soon. Do you think you can get away for a week or two? Let me know and will rent a bolt-hole along the coast somewhere for some much needed physical and mental indulgence.
Infinitely Yours Max
Maddy let the pages fall from her hands and onto her lap. She inhaled a deep breath and gazed outside into the garden. This was hard to take. That her elderly mother had already guessed the situation well before anyone else. Maddy glanced down at the signature. Max. Max who?
Maddy flicked through the diary pages looking for a date or month and year that matched the letter from Max. To Maddy’s astonishment, she realized her mother was a prolific writer, detailing conversations with family and friends, along with events, gossip and some almost poetic prose about her emotions and state of mind.
She mentioned Max in several entries, nothing too salacious, although they were clearly very close. The relevant dates were back in the 1970s so it was no surprise, given the upheaval in Vida’s life and her divorce from her philandering husband and Maddy’s father, Jack Agnew, that she had taken up in some kind of relationship with Max.
Grandmother’s affair! Maddy smiled to herself and continued reading Vida’s diary, learning more about her mother’s secret life. Although it was unusual, it made sense that her grandmother reverted to her maiden name, Vida Hawkins, using her own mother’s surname after her divorce. Various excerpts from the diary expressed the emotional stress of abandoning her failing marriage and raising children alone.
Commentary about the politics of the time, snippets of news, fragments of humanity’s foibles. Vida described taking part in anti-nuclear marches through city streets and the need for disarmament of all nations to secure a safe future. Later that same month President Nixon, who she described as ‘Shifty Nixy,’ ordered a secret invasion of Cambodia which fueled more anti-Vietnam war protesters expressing their anger in the streets.
The world’s population reached 3.6 billion, and she wrote about her deep concern for future generations with ongoing over-crowding and risks of food shortages. California became the first state to legislate a no-fault Divorce Law making it easier to walk away from her wayward, philandering husband, Jack, and get on with her life, raising her two children. The description of Maddy’s father made her smile. She thought to herself as she re-read the word, philandering, it must be a matter of degree. Is one affair all right but two or three or half a dozen, that Maddy knew about, an apt category description? Maddy wondered what her mother would think of her and Logan, having a monogamous, adulterous affair with the same man all her life. She could hear her mother’s voice; ‘Darling, that’s just so yesterday!’
Vida dragged her feather-like scribble over half a page, complaining about the increase in her rent to $132.00 a month and the running battle she had with the landlord who charged interest on any late payments. She expressed shock at the Beatles disbanding, hoping it was a delayed April Fool’s day joke.
Maddy’s cell phone rang, interrupting her immersion into nostalgia. It was Hawke asking to meet her for lunch.
‘Of course, darling,’ Maddy responded. ‘Is anything wrong? Are you okay?’
CHAPTER 20
An Unfair Life
Suddenly the gray skies ruptured into a torrent of pounding rain as Maddy picked her way through instant puddles and ran across the busy city street clutching her umbrella. Earlier that morning, the sun was shining when she agreed to meet Hawke for lunch at a nearby café. She burst through the sign-written glass door and shook her soaking umbrella out on the porch before leaving it folded inside the entryway. Glancing up across the crowded tables, Maddy looked for the distinctive outline of her youngest son. She ran her hands over her sleeves and dress, shaking off droplets of rain, and looked up again, across the restaurant.
She spotted him immediately, and as their eyes met, his face broke into a broad smile. Like this, looking at him in a crowd, she would inwardly gasp at how much he looked like Logan. He could’ve been a clone from Logan’s youth. This unwelcome reminder of her infidelity broke her stride as she walked towards Hawke, seated at a window table.
‘Have you ordered?’ she asked breathlessly, seating herself on the bench opposite.
‘Yup,’ he grinned. ‘It’s the quick and the dead in this joint. What do you want? I’ll tell the server.’
The local diner was a popular venue and a regular meeting place for mother and son. Some of their most meaningful conversations had taken place across the same table. Hawke stepped up to the counter, quickly ordered for his mother, and returned to his seat.
‘How are you, darling?’ Maddy started. ‘Hope you’re feeling better than you were?’
He gave an awkward smile, wanting to ignore any reference to his health. It was a boring topic and always sucked the life out of… well… life. ‘I wanted to talk to you about all the drama over Sacha and us being a couple.’
‘Look, it’s just…’ Maddy interrupted.
‘Hang on,’ said Hawke. ‘Let me just get this off my chest.’
Maddy leaned back, watching him closely. Her mind racing 100 miles an hour, wondering what was coming next.
‘You, Dad, and Logan have given me a hard time about Sacha. It’s taken me some time to come to terms with the fact that the three of you are completely and utterly against our relationship. At one point, I thought we should just return to New Zealand and live the life we want, where no one really knows us, and everything was perfect.’
Maddy pressed her lips together, forcing herself to keep silent and allow Hawke to express himself. She wanted him to get it all out so she could explain a bit more to him based on what he had to say. More easily said than done, she thought to herself.
‘So after some days of intense discussions Sacha and I’ve agreed to take some time out and assess the situation.’ Hawke held his open hand up to his mother to stop her contributing. ‘I just need to get this out,’ he elaborated. ‘We’re both upset. Hurt by the way our families discussed this behind our backs. Sacha has told me that Logan is my father, so we are half-brother and sister. But how we choose to run our lives is none of anyone else’s business.’ Anger crept into his face, his eyes set on his mother’s, with a look of abhorrence.
‘Think about it. What the hell made you believe that keeping this secret would make our lives any easier. It’s insane!’ he slammed his fist on the table making the cutlery jump. Several other people seated at the restaurant swung around to see what the commotion was about.
‘I’m sorry it’s come to this…’ Maddy interrupted.
‘So am I and Sacha!’ His mother’s feeble response antagonized him. His raised voice continued as he struggled to control his fury.
‘We’ve known each other all our lives. Why else would it be so easy to share our love and commitment? As we see the situation, it’s not our fault.’
He stop
ped and looked closely at his mother’s expression. It was hard to read. Was she confused or concerned? He waited. Maddy said nothing. So, he waited longer before continuing. ‘Okay, your turn, Mother!’ His words soaked in sarcasm, incensed, but struggling to control his emotions.
Maddy looked down at her half-empty plate, her hands still on her lap, her shoulders lowered, uncertain how to tackle Hawke’s need for answers. She sniffed, believing the truth would not lighten his mood. She doubted herself. Maddy had played this conversation out many, many times, in her imagination over many long years trying to deliver a response that would appease his stress and offer a pain-free solution. She knew now that she must’ve been dreaming to think there was any palatable way to deliver the impossible.
Maddy placed her elbows on the table and pressed her hands over her nose and mouth before responding. There was no simple way forward, and like Hawke said, everyone in the family was talking behind their backs, and most knew the truth. Except for Fred and Hawke, two of the four key participants in this propagated lie that had lasted her son’s entire lifetime.
‘It’s been very unfair, Hawke, but then life is unfair, and I never wanted you to experience the pain you will experience in being away from Sacha. There is no escape hatch.’ Her words faded as she spoke, the strength in her voice evaporating as she gathered momentum, still skirting around the bombshell she must deliver.
‘Sacha has been the best thing that has ever happened to me,’ he said, his brow furrowed as his words pleaded. ‘We’ve agreed to a break to prove we want to be together for the rest of our lives. We’re doing it for you and Logan. Dad doesn’t seem too phased, but the two of you have been relentless. So we want to prove to you all that this is a serious relationship. We plan to marry and have…’
Maddy jumped in, not wanting to hear his unfulfilled future fantasy.
‘It can never happen!’ she said bluntly, in a cold, candid clip.
He said nothing as he threw himself against the back of the chair, holding her dark eyes with steady scrutiny.
‘I want to keep this between you and me. I need to talk to Fred and explain. But I feel enormous remorse and guilt at you feeling the way you do and knowing that what I’m about to tell you will shatter your sense of me, as your mother.’
Hawke swallowed, concentrating all his energy into his mother’s face, bracing himself for the unknown.
‘For many years before you were born, I loved Logan. We both did. Fred and I and Logan with Mila were always together. We were all an intrinsic part of one another’s lives,’ Maddy explained.
‘Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this before,’ he said.
Something in his attitude annoyed Maddy, so she didn’t hold back or soften the language.
‘I fell pregnant with you when I was having an affair with Logan.’
Hawke looked as if someone had punched him in the face. He gathered his senses and gave a quick-fire response. Wanting to punch her back with his reaction as the smoke of rage ignited.
‘So what?’ he spat at her.
Maddy raised her eyebrows, inhaling before continuing. ‘Logan is your biological father.’ The words stung the air between them, biting into her son’s contradictory nature.
He said nothing. Hawke’s expression seemed impassive, so she waited, saying nothing more. Weirdly, she felt a slow ripple across the waves of time. It was a sense of relief and pure liberation that he would now know. All she had to do was talk to Fred. That thought made her stomach contract.
Hawke gave an affirmative nod. ‘I get it.’ He said, cold and uncompromising, his voice now an angry whisper as he leaned across the wooden table towards his mother. ‘But I don’t see why it would make any fucking difference!’
‘It does!’ she said in a harsh whisper, leaning in towards his face. ‘Sacha is your half-sister and under American Federal Law, darling.’ She couldn’t keep the edge of sarcasm out of her voice. ‘It’s illegal to sleep with Sacha or marry her. Don’t you get it?’
There was silence between them that seemed like an eternity.
‘You both share the same, father,’ Maddy conveyed the obvious.
‘Do you think I didn’t know that already,’ he responded, his bitter words soaked in sarcasm. ‘I wasn’t born yesterday, Mother,’ he said, emphasizing the dissociated maternal connection he wanted to serve her.
‘I don’t know what to say Hawke,’ Maddy tried, keeping her voice calm. ‘What do you want from me?’
‘Absolutely nothing!’ Hawke stood and stalked out of the room as tears filled Maddy’s eyes.
CHAPTER 21
Gone to Ground
Driving through the traffic on her way home, the rain still pounding on the windscreen, Maddy attempted to stifle tears. Hawke had walked off and left her at the local diner without another sound. She must find the words to tell Fred and knew his tsunami of anger and upset could undermine their entire living arrangement, built on the bedrock of historical deceit. His wife and his best friend were emissaries of an unforgivable lie.
Over the past few weeks, misery had plagued Maddy’s nights as her subconscious brain starved her mind of sleep, and then in the early morning hours before dawn, thrust her into relentless nightmares. She found herself submerged in fear and running for her life, through unfamiliar streets and alleyways, as some terrifying stranger chased hard on her heels. His dark, faceless body would race towards her as she leaped and dived around corners of city buildings and down narrow walkways. Fleetingly she believed she had shaken him off, out-smarted her assailant, only to run breathlessly past a darkened alleyway and have her pursuer leap out and try to grab her shoulder or punch her back, sometimes clutching at fragments of her clothing as she screamed and raced out of his grip.
She jolted awake in a cold sweat, her heart racing and still hearing the persistent, hard footfall of her attacker. Merely recalling the repeated nightmare now, on her way home, made the hair on the back of her neck and forearms stand up in fear. What kind of highly polished hell is this? She thought to herself, terrified her situation could only get worse.
No one was at the house when she pulled into the garage. Both men were out at a late-night meeting together. Maddy stood in the fading light of the kitchen and poured herself a glass of dry white wine before slumping into the old lumpy armchair in the living room that no one ever sat in. She contemplated her next move. It was simple. Reverting to the past, Maddy would write Fred a letter, or she could face a shouting match to beat all others. She discounted the latter option, taking the coward’s cocktail.
Was she a coward? The immediate response was unambiguous YES. She formed the words of an email and decided a handwritten note may be wiser. She wasn’t sure why but felt more connected to the written word rather than the innocuous typefaces stamped on a laptop screen. In this way, Fred could read the hand-written page several times and absorb the uncomfortable reality that Logan and his wife were long-term lying cheats about a son that was not his.
She took two more mouthfuls of wine and realized that she would have to leave. Go away. Maybe even disappear and live another life, create an anonymous quiet existence in some faraway small town. Even as she thought this, Maddy knew she couldn’t leave, but she needed to take a few days to assess the situation. First, she would sit down at her desk and carefully write the words that would destroy their lives.
Dearest Fred
This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write, and I wish there were some other way. But I have already exhausted all the ‘other ways’ in trying to hide the truth from you. The saddest thing is that you are the innocent one in this web of lies I’ve woven over the years we’ve been together. Every time I disguised the truth, I masked the obvious to you and to myself and the people that love us both. Each lie gave more power to itself, making the actual truth become the fraud. Each perjury compromised me, falsely coerced us all, adding strength and substance to the lie until it became my reality. Of course, it never was, and now, after all these years
, I face the consequences.
Hawke’s paternity no longer matters. Sadly, you are not Hawke’s Dad. I sometimes wondered if you already suspected that Logan is his biological father. It doesn’t matter anymore because Hawke’s determined love for Sacha has compelled me to this point.
This is more difficult than I ever imagined. I am so deeply sorry for the pain and heartbreak this will cause you. I’m a coward and cannot face you for this reason. These crippling words are to explain why I need to go away and spend a few days alone.
With all my love for you both always
Maddy
She read it over a second time, folded the page, and left it on the coffee table in the living room. On the outside fold of the paper, she simply wrote Fred and gave a shudder when she thought of him reading her heart-breaking words. She let out a stifled sob and packed, ready to leave immediately. Maddy did not know where she would go. But she knew she would spend the rest of her days with new bedfellows of regret and remorse for all her contrived lies during these wasted years.
CHAPTER 22
Hatching a Plan
It was a dark winter’s evening when the men returned home, and Logan was the first to see the folded note in Maddy’s distinctive scribble lying where she had left it. He handed it over to Fred as he walked into the kitchen to heat up their dinner of the previous night’s leftovers. After a few microwaved minutes, Logan strolled into the living room carrying their food-laden dinner plates.
‘This is ominous,’ laughed Fred, raising his eyebrows as his friend passed over the cutlery.
‘I get personal instructions, I guess.’ He sat down, placing his plate and cutlery on the coffee table. The intention was for the friends to watch television while they ate. Logan sat next to Fred at the other end of the sofa and began channel surfing with the remote as Fred silently read the note. He threw it on the table, almost landing it on his microwaved meal, and slumped back into the sofa, looking up at the ceiling.
