by Jenny Blake
People pleasing is exhausting. It is inauthentic. It means placing everyone else’s needs above your own.
You cannot make everyone happy all the time, and it is futile to try. You are no good to anyone if you run yourself ragged trying to please everyone.
You have a choice: you can spend your time ceaselessly worrying about other people or you can bravely follow your own path.
The universe rewards backbone. Not speaking up or acting authentically may lead to a bigger explosion down the road, when you least want or expect it.
Although Tricia Krohn, who you met in the Launch overview, was clear that she wanted out of her banking job, social concerns still brought great uncertainty. She asked herself, “What would people think if I quit? Coworkers? Family? Could I face the disappointment of feeling less than?” She tackled these concerns through meaningful conversations, first with a coworker, then with her family.
When Tricia sat down with her kids and laid all the possibilities on the table, her daughter was encouraging, and Tricia felt tremendous joy at realizing she had become her daughter’s “hero and role model yet again.”
Then came the bigger conversation: telling her parents. Tricia was already firm in her choice, but still, their reaction was important. “I was an almost forty-year-old woman about to give up a 401(k), five weeks’ paid vacation, and a secure and stable job. Who does that?” she said. “My parents shocked the heck out of me and said, ‘Go for it!’ D-day was set.”
Although her backup plan was to return to working in finance, Tricia knew that was never really an option, saying, “Once my decision was made I vowed I would never go back to banking.”
One of the best change tactics for impacters is to take comfort in their work ethic and resourcefulness, knowing that they already have the skills to create opportunities, and always have. “I am a workaholic so I knew I would always find work doing something,” Tricia said. “That was truly my backup plan.”
As for Tricia’s coworkers, rather than meeting her decision with the scorn and disapproval she anticipated, hers became a story of inspiration within the company. “Once I told the people at work, the news spread like wildfire and I got a lot of, ‘Wow, I wish I was brave enough to do what you are doing,’” she said. “It was very encouraging. I have yet to have a moment of looking back with regret. My regret is not doing it sooner.”
List Your MIPs
Author and professor Brené Brown’s strategy for dealing with naysayers and unproductive people pleasing is to identify her five Most Important People. She suggests making a short list of those who really matter in your life, or as she puts it, “would help you move a body.”
Brown says when you ruffle feathers or do something that invites haters, ask what the people on your MIP short list would say. If they are on board, you can lean on them for the courage to proceed. After you make your MIP list, here are some additional questions to consider:
How do you scale back and recharge when you are people pleasing in a way that contradicts your core needs, or when you are worrying too much about what others think?
What is more important to you than merely trying to make others happy? What is at stake if you ignore your instincts about what is best for you?
In her book Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck suggests using a “shackles on” versus “shackles off” approach. Does this request, person, or action weigh you down and feel tiresome or draining? Or does it feel energizing and uplifting?
Over the course of the next week, observe your shackles on versus shackles off reaction before making decisions, and after working on projects or interacting with others.
SEPARATE DECISIONS FROM DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
In addition to dealing with others’ reactions and opinions, and your anticipation of their reactions, another big sticking point in the final Pivot stage is actually having the difficult conversations with family, clients, managers, or coworkers that set your launch in motion.
Difficult Launch conversations have five distinct parts:
1. Making the decision based on your gut instinct.
2. Figuring out how to express the difficult decision in words, clearly and directly.
3. Deciding when to have the conversation.
4. Communicating the decision to the other(s) involved.
5. Responding to their reaction and any ensuing consequences or follow-up.
Many people make the mistake of conflating all five steps, and end up thoroughly confused when facing a tough decision. What may really be happening is that they are clear about number one, the right thing for them to do, but scared or unsure about how to communicate it.
As my friend Julie says, sometimes the initial conversation is like an earthquake; it can be rattling for all involved, and everyone may need time to absorb and reflect. There may be a few aftershocks, or follow-up conversations needed, to finish working through things.
One of my clients, who I will call Sadie, started coaching with me when she felt unsure about what to do: continue working at her small company, where she had a lot of responsibility, or pivot to launch her own related business. In her heart of hearts, she knew all along she wanted to start her own business. She had been harboring a dream of running her own company since childhood.
At first, Sadie felt torn between the difficult decision of giving notice at work and her true desire to launch an idea she had been incubating for years.
Together we worked through the following stages:
Plant: Sadie wrote a mission statement for her new business, and imagined what success would look like one year from launch.
Scan: We created a strategy to work toward that vision, whether or not it was a side gig or her full-time job. We considered tools, skills, and contacts that would be most helpful as she started building her business on nights and weekends.
Pilot: Sadie took small, meaningful steps toward building her business, such as writing website copy and setting up an onboarding guide for new team members. We also determined a checkpoint date at which she would seriously consider leaving her full-time job, which ended up being about three months ahead. We agreed not to debate the issue for the next two months, only to revisit at that later date.
Launch: Together we worked through how to have the “I’m leaving” conversation with her boss, whether it was in two weeks or two months. We wrote talking points that felt authentic and would keep their relationship strong, and practiced run-throughs.
Having clarity on each of the steps above gave Sadie tremendous relief. As a result, a few weeks later her gut started speaking to her more loudly and she felt increasingly anxious and bored at work. Even though she had given herself permission to wait three months before resigning, Sadie knew she was ready to give her notice in a few weeks, and she did.
Being able to separate what her decision was from how to communicate it from when to communicate it gave Sadie the space and clarity she needed to move forward on a timeline that worked for her. Even though nothing could change the fact that the conversation with her boss would be uncomfortable, she went in feeling confident and empowered knowing that her choice was the right one.
DON’T WAIT FOR PERFECT CONDITIONS
Decisions are data. You can only spin on a set of questions for so long before the better thing to do is to get something in motion, be an observer, and make your next move from a new position. At a certain point, any decision is better than no decision.
When the real estate market tanked, Roxanne Vice and her husband went from 1-percenters to penny-pinchers, counting spare change to buy groceries. Her biggest regret is waiting too long to take even small steps forward. “The worst thing we did was to wait for things to get better instead of taking action,” she said. She and her husband watched as six years of savings got whittled away. Roxanne started to feel despondent, but it wasn’t until hitting roc
k bottom that she moved into action.
“I went through stages of panic, sadness, anger, grief, and self-pity—but also discovered that was where my willpower was hidden. When I finally got reacquainted with my desire to live, and remembered that this experience was just that—an experience, a wrinkle—I was able to get through. I got up and got moving,” she said. “Focusing on the simple, core routines like self-care, meditation, health cleanses, and rebuilding from the inside out cannot be overstated. The surprising benefit from stepping back in a transformation is that you get to choose a new step forward in any direction, something new and unexpected.”
Roxanne pivoted from full-time artist and work-from-home mom to partnering with her husband to launch an artisan manufacturing retail business. To do this, she combined her husband’s experience as a land developer with her career portfolio of strengths and experience in business building, publishing, marketing, and operations.
Roxanne’s new venture nurtures her creative expression by helping more artists at a time, and continues to reveal new opportunities. Roxanne never predicted that she and her husband would get a chance to work together, but is grateful for the opportunity and sees each new challenge as a blessing, “a Christmas present waiting to be unwrapped.”
Pivot Paradox: Shoot the Moon
Our focus so far has been on taking smart risks that will help you make a purposeful shift in a new direction, starting from a foundation of what is already working.
It all sounds so reasonable and pragmatic.
But deep down there may be a part of you that wants to shout, BO-RING! For many impacters, small steps are fine, but our lives and most exhilarating memories are defined by the big leaps, the times when the odds were not in our favor but we prevailed. We love a good underdog story, and revere phrases like “No risk, no reward,” “You can’t cross the Grand Canyon in two small leaps,” and “Go big or go home.”
I am a firm believer in paying attention to practicalities while not neutering yourself or your dreams. One of the most invigorating things you can do is go for something so outlandishly enormous that just to attempt the feat strengthens your resolve and forces an entirely new dimension of creative thinking.
Many inventions, scientific discoveries, and technological advances follow from the residue of bigger failures. Post-it Notes were an accidental blip from 3M on the way to creating a stronger adhesive. Twitter started as a podcasting service, and YouTube used to be a video dating site. Today they are multibillion-dollar businesses.
In the popular card game Hearts, the goal of each round is to take the fewest points, or cards. However, players can also try a risky strategy called “shooting the moon,” by attempting to collect every heart card and the Queen of Spades. The odds of success are quite low, but that is why it is so glorious for a player who shoots the moon successfully—they win the game in one fell swoop. If they fail to shoot the moon, they are stuck with an excess number of cards that would all but guarantee a loss.
Look for opportunities where you can shoot the moon while minimizing your risk. For my brother, Tom, this meant taking on monthly property management accounts while looking for the next great real estate investment opportunity that fit his criteria. Until his most recent pivot, this had only happened twice in a period of four years of scanning, a less than 1 percent hit ratio. But twice was enough to keep going; he knew that where there were two, there would be more. Each property that he passed on helped him refine his search process and become more efficient at making a go or no-go decision, and placing smart bets when those rare “shoot the moon” opportunities surfaced.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR LAUNCH WORKED?
To answer this question, you first need to determine what worked means for you. Does it mean financial success? A feeling of exhilaration and freedom? Increasing your time and energy? Working from your biggest strengths for most of the day? For many, a launch worked if they have no regrets about having made that choice. Others may have more specific parameters for declaring success, such as those outlined in their vision or in the Launch timing criteria.
Let some time pass before assessing or analyzing whether your launch was successful. It is natural to experience turbulence following a big decision, particularly once the excitement wears off. Many people emerging from intense work environments need weeks or months to decompress and recharge after years of relentless stress and pressure. It is particularly important to focus on physical fundamentals during this time such as sleep, rest, exercise, and nutrition.
After your new trajectory has stabilized, reflect:
Do I feel more calm, healthy, and engaged?
Does this new direction match my core values?
Do my projects engage my innate strengths and interests?
Is this new direction sustainable financially? Healthwise? Interestwise? Can I see myself doing this for the next few years?
Am I able to maintain balance between this career path and other aspects of my life, such as friends, family, and relationships?
Your launch may have worked in the sense that you have no regrets, but still not be perfectly lined up with your long-term career aspirations. It is possible that you will hit a pivot point or plateau again, but each new decision will reveal additional insights. Even if you declare your launch successful, given impacters’ innate drive for growth and challenge, you may want to continue piloting soon afterward.
Christian and John, who you met in the High Net Growth chapter, pivoted from working as commodities traders in the open outcry pits to running their own urban farming business, SpringUps. They pooled their money to purchase two shipping containers that were repurposed as hydroponic growing facilities, rented a parking space in Red Hook, Brooklyn, and started growing basil. Soon after, they brought me on as a consultant to help with operations and communications, and I got a front-row seat to watch and help their pivot unfold.
John and Christian had a predetermined pivot runway of two years after leaving the trading floor: one year for exploration to decompress and determine what industry and type of company interested them, then one year to launch and expand SpringUps. After taking the first year off to travel and explore options, John and Christian set their make-or-break marker as the company’s profitability after year two, their first full year in business. If they were not profitable or did not see a promising revenue trajectory, they would explore other options.
One year in, although the SpringUps business was successful, having landed some of the biggest retail clients in the region, it no longer seemed like the right fit. As former traders, neither John nor Christian were willing to stick around just because they had sunk costs into the project. They wanted to make sure their career trajectory was on track to a robust financial future, and one that felt like the best match for their strengths. SpringUps came close but ultimately did not fit the bill, which they learned only through hands-on experience.
In reflecting on their pivot, John and Christian realized SpringUps was too sharp a turn from their talents, true interests, and financial goals, so they sold the company. John, who studied probability theory in college, returned to trading on his own, started learning the Python programming language to create trading algorithms, and took a job with an early-stage predictive analytics start-up. Christian pivoted to a sales role in a national technology firm, which played to his love of interacting with others and making deals. It also lowered his risk profile; Christian got engaged shortly after shuttering SpringUps, and deliberately sought a job that would help him create more stability before getting married and starting a family.
Neither of them have regrets about their entrepreneurial pivot. They enjoyed learning about urban farming and the food scene in New York City, and decompressing from the intensity of commodities trading. The SpringUps venture helped John and Christian identify next career moves that were even more aligned. They see their launch as a success even though t
hey changed direction after two years. Both recognize their careers will be ever shifting from this point forward, fluid enough to meet their growth-oriented lives.
THE CONTINUOUS PIVOT
As I mentioned in the introduction, almost none of the pivoters’ stories I wrote for the first draft of this book remained the same by the final edit—some by choice, others by circumstance. The people featured are proof in point of what it means to be an impacter living in our dynamic economy.
Some recounted their updated pivot stories with excitement, while others shared their news with a slightly discouraged tone, as if somehow their initial pivot at the time of our interview had failed.
But when I dug deeper with each person, it was clear that pivoting was always the right move. Even if their launch did not prove fruitful in the ways they were expecting, it taught them valuable lessons about life, business, and what they wanted next in their career. It helped them reconnect to their strengths and build a new bridge toward an even better opportunity. They started to adjust to the fact that Pivot is the new normal, and stopped taking the wins and losses so personally.
Cycle through the first three stages—Plant, Scan, Pilot—as many times as necessary to feel secure when you launch. You can also work through the Pivot process anytime you get stuck, not just during major moves, but also within businesses, side hustles, your current role, and smaller projects and goals. The Pivot Method will help you be a scientist in your life—a steady observer and experimenter—as you direct future changes gracefully, methodically, and with greater confidence, clarity, and insight.
Pivot Cycle
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