3. Would you go to bed with me tonight?
The results were predictable:
Agreement by Respondents
Question Male Female
1 50% 44%
2 69% 6%
3 75% 0%
Campus life is not exactly representational of society at large, but this does show that the direct approach to getting a date works about half the time with men and women alike—not a bad percentage, if you have the chutzpah to pull it off!
If you look at the wording the assistants used, you’ll note that it begins with a location statement followed by a question that requires only a yes or no answer—not a very good idea. However, assuming you know how to be charming rather than alarming, “I’ve been noticing you around campus” (the office, the club, etc.) and “I find you very attractive” (or something about you—the way you dress, your voice, etc.) followed by, “How would you feel about meeting for a quick coffee at the end of the day?” stands a good chance of getting a positive response.
How Did He Do It?
Ryan travels on planes and trains often in the course of his business and doesn’t make a habit of asking strange women out on dates. But this time it was different—his urge to talk to Shantha was so strong that he ignored the self-talk that would normally have told him not to be ridiculous. Something told him to go ahead and take action, and that allowed him to connect with his matched opposite.
Of course, it didn’t hurt that three years earlier Ryan’s boss had talked him into taking a course called Neuro-Linguistic Programming for Managers. Talking to Shantha, he used a few techniques he’d learned called “irresistible language patterns and gestures.”
Pacing the Ongoing Reality
When Ryan introduced himself to Shantha, he used a technique that hypnotherapists call pacing the ongoing reality. It’s a great way to soften the impact of any approach, be it direct or indirect. In order to make you feel relaxed, a hypnotherapist will draw your attention to three verifiables, or things that are obviously true. Then, while you’re in an agreeing frame of mind, they’ll throw in a suggestion in the hope that you’ll agree with that too. He or she might say, for example, “As you sit here (first verifiable), and listen to the sound of my voice (second verifiable), while you stare at the wall in front of you (third verifiable), you can begin to notice your shoulders are starting to relax and feel soft (suggestion).”
Go back and reread what Ryan said to Shantha. First he mentioned three things she had to agree with: yes, they were in a train; yes, it had been moving along for at least half an hour; and yes, she had been lost in conversation. All Ryan did was describe the situation and Shantha had to agree, albeit subconsciously, with what he was saying. He didn’t say anything she could subconsciously refute. For example, he didn’t say she was enjoying herself or that she found the seats comfortable—he’d have no idea whether either of those things was true.
Delivered with sincere body language and voice tone, this kind of language is irresistible, subtly putting people in a more open and relaxed frame of mind by giving them undeniable truths about their immediate environment.
Suppose, for example, you’re waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland with your two young sons, and in front of you is an attractive guy with his two young daughters. You might casually say to him something like, “Just seeing all these people having fun, hearing them laugh, on such a beautiful day, it makes me feel good to be alive.” The same approach would work on the patio of the Olive Garden or at the snack stand at the beach, assuming all your verifiables were verifiable and your children weren’t driving everyone crazy! With or without a suggestion, this is a great way to get people to relax and set them up to agree with you.
Sleight of Head
You may have noticed that at one point Ryan also used something I call sleight of head. This involves using subtle body language to signal the answer you want to receive to a yes or no question. Flight attendants do this when they ask passengers, “Can I get you anything else?” If they want a yes answer, they nod ever so slightly “Yes” as they ask the question. If they prefer a no answer, they very subtly shake their head “No.” As I mentioned earlier, consciously or not, we respond very profoundly to visual signals. When Ryan asked if he could ask Shantha out, he nodded “Yes” with the question, and although she initially turned him down, she already may have been having second thoughts.
Soft Questions
Soft questions, or conversational postulates to use their technical name, will typically get you a response without asking for it directly. If you ask someone a question like, “Do you know where the bus station is?” he or she won’t normally reply “Yes” or “No,” but will go ahead and tell you the location. If you read carefully, you’ll see Ryan didn’t actually come out and ask Shantha to have lunch with him; instead, he embedded his question in a statement about his own curiosity: “I was wondering what you’d say if I invited you out for lunch?” He asked a question without asking a question, which softened and distanced both it and the possible answer by making them hypothetical. “I’m curious to know what you would say if I asked you out.” A slightly more direct version might be, “What would you say if I called you?” (or kissed you, etc.) This last is a real question, but it’s still hypothetical and therefore somewhat removed and softened. Soft questions feel more natural than hard questions. They allow you to gently yet rapidly steer the conversation and appear more sensitive. In Shantha’s case, she got the message and was flattered.
Soft questions feel more natural than hard questions. They allow you to gently yet rapidly steer the conversation and appear more sensitive.
Influential Suggestions
Voice-over artists—the people who read advertising copy on TV and radio commercials—frequently use influential suggestions (also called hidden directives or embedded commands) to reinforce and direct the behavior of their audience. Persuasive communicators naturally do this all the time too. When Ryan said, “Think about it—and when it’s appropriate, give me a call. Or if you change your mind, or if you want to, you can e-mail me tonight,” he was using influential suggestions to plant ideas. The secret is to mark the suggestions off from the rest of the sentence by changing your voice tone and body language slightly as you say them. Ryan paused ever so slightly before he said, “Give me a call” (and all the other imperatives in italics above) and shifted his voice tone down an increment, so as to be slightly more commanding. He also looked Shantha in the eye and was physically still, allowing her to focus entirely on his words.
Another form of suggestion comes from intentional ambiguity. Find something obvious you and someone you like have in common—let’s say, tennis. You’re going to say something like, “If you, like me, enjoy playing tennis, then you’ll be interested in reading the new Monica Seles biography” (or whatever you want to add—“Check out the new clay courts on Route 16,” or “You gotta try these new long-lasting balls”). This is a perfectly innocent comment, except as you say it you actually utter it like this: “If (very slight pause) you like me (very slight pause), enjoy playing tennis, then you’ll be interested. …” What happens is that the person you’re saying it to takes in both messages (the instruction to like you and the actual conversational piece about tennis) without consciously realizing you slipped in a command. It’s ten times easier than it sounds written down here. Give it a shot and practice marking off the command in a slightly more serious tone than the rest—and, of course, with eye contact. Once you get it, go back and reread Ryan’s words to Shantha, marking the commands with the slightest pause and speaking them as instructions.
Whether or not you choose to use the direct approach, the above techniques are all useful, both in attracting and connecting with a person you’re interested in and for communicating in general. In a matter of seconds Ryan made his move. Using verifiables, he paced the ongoing reality to gain acceptance and synchronize mentally with Shantha. He used soft questions and sleight of head to deliver his request, and employed
influential suggestions to overcome her resistance.
Sure it’s scary, and it’s probably not the way to go for most of us, but if you can pull it off, the direct approach certainly cuts to the chase and saves time. Like most things, these skills get easier with practice. Practice them at work, at the hotel check-in, or when you’re persuading the maitre d’ to give you that table right in the middle of the action—or, like Ryan and many of the thousands of people who have fallen in love at first sight, when you’re spurred into action by being in the presence of your matched opposite.
The Indirect Approach: Assuming Rapport
Have you ever been at a gathering and had someone come up to you and say something relatively innocuous, and the next thing you know you’re chatting like old friends? If so, you’ve just had someone assume rapport with you. It’s a nice easy feeling and it’s how the socially gifted make the most of their initial connections. They simply walk up to the person with whom they wish to connect and, usually without so much as a hello, carry on as if they’d known them all their life. Sure, it requires a certain amount of bravado, but with practice you can get quite comfortable with it.
Assuming rapport is a subtle, less intrusive way to connect with a person you’re interested in. It’s less emotionally risky than the direct approach because it doesn’t require any kind of introduction and outright request. You simply turn up, note something interesting that’s going on at that moment, and begin your conversation in the middle: “Chocolate-covered orange peel is just decadence itself. How do you think they ever came up with an idea like that?” Or, “Turner’s paintings have this amazing mystery to them. What do you think he was trying to say?” Or, “There must be more ice cream trucks in this part of town than in the rest of the state combined. Why do you think that is?”
One of the main advantages of assuming rapport is that you get to check someone out before deciding to make a move. You can chat with them a little in a normal, innocent, upbeat way and see if you hit it off. First impressions can be deceiving. That attractive guy nursing his double espresso and staring out the window at Starbucks may not turn out to be the Parisian poet you imagined but a charter member of gamblers anonymous who has’t bathed in a month. That goofy-looking girl in the granny glasses at Grand Central may turn out to be a sexy Broadway dancer rather than a hippie wallflower. You never know! Assuming rapport gives you room to explore.
An example: Henry sees an appealing woman having lunch up at the counter in a busy restaurant and sits down next to her. He picks up the menu, studies it for a moment, then, with all innocence and openness, as if he were an old friend or a cousin, he leans over and asks, “What do you recommend? I’ve never eaten here before.” If her reply is a recommendation, it’s terrific and he takes it from there. If it’s “Neither have I,” that’s wonderful too. Either way, they have something in common.
Francine is at her cousin’s wedding. After the ceremony, as the bride and groom are getting into their limo to head for the reception, the skies open and it starts to pour. Francine turns to the attractive guy next to her, looks him in the eye, shrugs, and lets out a laugh. “What are we going to do now?” she asks him.
“I don’t know,” he says.
“Let’s run for it,” she says. “Where are you parked?” They’re both soaked, they must have mutual friends since they’re attending the same function, and they’re both running to the parking lot. They have plenty in common.
Ashley has come to check out the natural gas fireplaces at the Fireside store. She’s deep in thought, imagining how the latest Vermont Majestic will look in the farmhouse she’s renovating. Marty turns up next to her, brochure in hand, and studies the freestanding stove two models away from Ashley’s Majestic.
The idea behind assuming rapport is that you don’t use any particular opening line—you just start talking.
“Do you think these stoves look more authentic in black, or do you think the colored ones still give that country look?”
Ashley looks up. “Excuse me?” Marty repeats the question.
Ashley laughs. “You must be a mind reader,” she says. “I was just wondering the same thing.”
They spend the next five minutes exchanging opinions, giving each other free information. They have lots in common.
Asking for a Date
If you have assumed rapport and it’s going well and there is chemistry on both sides, there’s nothing to stop you from asking for a date right there and then. Whether you’re a man or a woman, all you need to say is, “I really enjoyed talking [chatting, comparing notes, running around in the rain, etc.] with you, and it would be great if we could get together again sometime,” then wait for an answer. Say nothing. Let the soft question/conversational postulate work its magic for you. He or she will either accept or decline. If the answer is yes, then make a date immediately or exchange phone numbers and say when you’ll call. If the answer is no, it will either be flat out or come with an excuse. Excuses usually revolve around availability or time: “I’m happily married,” “I’m in a relationship,” or “I’m tied up for a while.” Assume that when an invitation is declined, the interaction is over. In other words, assume that no really does mean no.
The business of a woman asking a guy out is to some degree a generational thing: The younger you are, the more acceptable it is; the older you are, the more it might make either or both of you uncomfortable. But, gals, whatever your age, I think you’ll be amazed how many guys will be flattered, relieved, and impressed that you made the effort. And honestly, what have you got to lose? If you’re really nervous, turn it around and be playful: “I had a great time talking with you,” you can say, “and I think it’d be great if you asked me out.” If your rapport has been really good and he looks to be getting the hint, you could even reinforce it with some fun body language, like smiling, widening your eyes expectantly, and nodding your head “yes.”
How to Assume Rapport
The idea behind assuming rapport is that you don’t use any particular opening line—you just start talking. The more you learn to include details about whatever’s going on around you at the time, the more relaxed and natural you’ll appear. Be relaxed and natural. This is supposed to feel like the opposite of a come-on or pickup. Casual is the key word. It’s perfectly natural and friendly to exchange a few words with people in your daily comings and goings. This kind of friendly chitchat can happen in line at the supermarket, at a cocktail party, at a ballgame, at an airport waiting lounge, an art gallery—you name it.
So, how do you go about feeling casual, relaxed, and natural as you assume rapport? Simple: The key is to practice. Any of the following types of statements, questions, or compliments will do to get you started:
• An open question (i.e., one that can’t be answered by a simple yes or no), such as, “So, what have you heard about this movie?”
• An occasion/location statement, which refers to what’s going on around you as well as to where you happen to be (e.g., the market). For example, “At last, fresh pineapple.”
• An occasion/location statement, followed by an open question: “At last, fresh pineapple. How can you tell if it’s ready to eat?”
• A remark: “Oh, wow, I’ve got my watch set to the wrong date!”
• An observation: “Woo hoo! Looks like our team’s going to win tonight!”
• A sincere compliment: “I have to tell you, I just love your hat!”
• A request for an opinion: “I’ve never eaten here before. Is there anything you recommend?”
EXERCISE: Assuming Rapport
Read the following scenarios and, using the details of the situation, just assume you have rapport and decide what you would say. Come up with a conversational statement for each, and follow it with an open question.
1. It’s raining as you leave the store. Several people are waiting for the rain to let up a bit because they, like you, have no umbrella. You are standing near someone you find attractive, and yo
u say…
2. You’re at work, and walk outside for your break because it’s a beautiful afternoon. You notice someone you don’t know, who works in another department. You approach and say…
3. On your way to work you stop at a Starbucks for a latte and notice an attractive person getting ready to order too. You say…
4. You’re trying on shoes and someone you find attractive is standing near you, waiting patiently for the salesperson to reappear…
Assume the Best
When you spot someone you fancy, don’t start making assumptions about how he or she will feel if you approach. You have no idea whether they’ll be embarrassed, offended, or thrilled to bits, so just approach and see what reaction you get. You have nothing to lose. The worst you can expect is a little dent in your ego.
If you have to make an assumption, assume it will work. Assume that others will give you the benefit of the doubt and do the same with them. Assume they will be influenced by your positive outlook and attractive attitude. Most people are eager to connect and to be friends with us, so assume the best.
That said, it’s also wise to remember that we’re all more open and receptive to talking to strangers at some times than at others. Sometimes we just feel like keeping to ourselves—maybe we’ve had a hard day, or have something important on our minds, or any of a million other reasons we may just want to be left alone. When we’re in this state of mind, often we emit signals—a preoccupied or troubled expression, for example, or other closed body language. It’s smart to be on the lookout for such signals (and for their opposite, for receptivity) before you approach. If you approach and sense any stiffening or annoyance, or the person simply ignores you, that’s okay. Just smile, excuse yourself, and go about your business. You’ve been friendly. Leave it at that.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 13
