The promise-withdraw routine is the very heart of flirting. It’s used to create arousal.
What you just observed is what scientists call a promise-withdraw routine on the part of Kira and an arousal response on the part of Harvey. When it comes right down to it, creating excitement is all about tension and release, whether you’re talking about scary movies, roller coasters, or human sexuality. The promise-withdraw routine that Kira used on Harvey is the very heart of flirting. It’s used by both men and women to create arousal, and its dynamic is exactly what it says it is: giving attention, then taking it away, then giving it again—tension, release, tension; eye contact, look away, eye contact. One look doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but Kira sauntered in a provocative way, gave Harvey a second look, and smiled with her head slightly lowered to suggest coyness. All this adds up to an unmistakable signal of interest. Men and women all over the world use this basic routine, based on a woman’s saunter or a man’s swagger, accompanied by eye contact and a smile, to signal and arouse interest in another person.
So Kira has tacitly offered an invitation and moments later Harvey responds. He comes up the stairs to the balcony where he can plainly see Kira looking down at the dance floor below. He looks her in the eye, smiles, and introduces himself. “Another drink?” Harvey asks.
“Thanks, but …” Kira smiles and replies, “I’m here with a friend and we’re celebrating her promotion, so I really should get back to her.”
“Well,” Harvey replies, “You could invite me to celebrate with you. In fact, I’d be happy to buy some champagne. It’s always nice to have a real excuse to buy bubbly.” He grins.
Although Kira knows that Charlene wouldn’t mind if Harvey joined them, she says, “That’s very generous of you, but we promised ourselves a girls’ night out. You know, catch up on personal stuff.” She inclines her head, looking up at him briefly, then glances away.
Harvey asks, “How about tomorrow then—same time, same place, or same time, different place, or …?”
Kira laughs. “Sorry, I’m not free tomorrow. But if you give me your number, I’ll call you after I look at my schedule. I’m sure we can do something at some point.”
The truth is, Kira knows that Charlene wouldn’t care if she spent a bit more time with Harvey. Similarly, she’s not that busy the following night—all she has planned is laundry. What Kira is doing is using the universally recognized principle of scarcity as part of her flirting strategy.
The Principle of Scarcity: How to Make Yourself More Intriguing
As a general rule, human beings want more of what they can’t have, so a simple way to increase your desirability when flirting is to use the principle of scarcity. The idea is to give the impression that you are popular and in demand.
Yes, people (and advertisers) use this ploy all the time, but our reaction to it is so instinctual that we never stop falling for it. For instance, everyone knows that it’s notoriously difficult to get reservations at the best restaurants, but that’s not necessarily because all the tables are really booked up. Similarly, fashion designers are very particular about where their lines are marketed, and their high price tags serve to exclude most buyers. When radio, television, and print advertisers bombard us with statements like “While supplies last,” “Limit two per customer,” “Limited edition,” and “Offer good only till Sunday,” they are working the principle of scarcity.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
If you could be a fly on the wall at Oggi, a popular hairdressing salon in Kansas City, you’d be amused to hear how the receptionist treats clients, new and old alike. It goes something like this:
“Oggi, good morning.”
“Hi Bethany, this is Ella Fosco.”
“Hey, Ella, how are you?”
“Bethany, I need a favor. Can you fit me in on Thursday at 11:00?” Bethany checks the appointment book and sees that time slot is, in fact, available.
“Sorry, Ella, we’re booked, but I can squeeze you in at 10:30 or at noon. Do either of those work?”
“Oh, thank you so much, Bethany. I’ll take 10:30. I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I’ll be there on the dot.”
The fact is, you’ll almost never get the time slot you want at Oggi, whether that time is available or not, unless you book weeks in advance. Why? Because the owners have figured out the principle of scarcity. They know that when people think something is in high demand, their perception of its value increases—and that keeps them coming back for more.
Working the Principle of Scarcity
How will taking advantage of this principle help make someone fall in love with you? By upping your “value” in the early stages of a relationship, making you seem rare, precious, and worth pursuing.
Let’s get back to our Zest scenario. Down on the main floor, the club is filling up. Carlos and his nephew Jason, who works in law enforcement, have just arrived and are sitting at the far end of the bar with a couple of beers. They’ve noticed Charlene sitting alone at the table, still pouting and staring at men she finds attractive. Her behavior doesn’t specifically register with them, but there is something about her that seems unsettled and rather unappealing. Their eyes move a few tables over to another woman who is also sitting alone. Dana is not fiddling with her hair in an obvious manner nor wiggling around trying to be cute. She is studying the drinks menu at her table, glancing up occasionally but not ogling the guys.
“Now there’s a pretty girl,” says Carlos. “What do you say? You’ve been single for at least six months now.”
Jason grins. “Yes, she’s very pretty, but I don’t know. …” He trails off.
“Now listen, I’ve got this foolproof method for getting to know a girl in a situation like this. I used it lots when I was your age and it worked for me nearly every time. In fact, that’s how I met your Aunt Luisa. First you spot a girl. Don’t make eye contact with her; just know where she is. Walk by her once but don’t look at her. Just stop and look around, then look the other way. Make sure she notices you’re looking for someone, then go away. A minute later you walk up to her and say, ‘I’ve been looking for you all over. I saw you in line (or in the crowd, or whatever) and I just had to tell you you’re absolutely gorgeous. This is no corny pickup line. I just wanted to tell you you’re beautiful.’”
Jason laughs and shakes his head, but Carlos continues. “No, listen, this is the real deal. At this point she might say thank you or whatever, but you just excuse yourself politely and leave. Leaving right away shows her that you’re a gentleman, and you’re not interested in pressuring her. It makes her feel more comfortable. Then about an hour later you spot her and make eye contact again and smile. If she likes you she’ll come up to you—it really works. Don’t underestimate flattery or compliments.”
Jason laughs again. “Well, Uncle Carlos, I think you’re right that most women want to feel like they’re good-looking or smart or talented, but times have changed. My generation doesn’t really believe in pickup lines. I mean, if you want to use a line, then you riff on something that’s happening instead, so hopefully it sounds more natural. Even if you say ‘Hi, I’m just trying to think up something to say because I really want to meet you,’ that’s more real and sincere than some line you got from someone or out of a book.”
“Okay, maybe you’ve got a point,” concedes Carlos. He nods in Dana’s direction. “So, are you going to go talk to her?”
Meanwhile, Dana has noticed the two guys at the end of the bar who look like they are talking about her. She likes the look of the younger one. She sits up straighter, glances at Jason while lowering her head slightly, then looks away.
“I think I will,” says Jason. He gets to his feet and approaches Dana. “Hi,” he says. “Listen. I just couldn’t help staring at you—forgive me. Can I sit here for a minute?”
“Sure,” says Dana, smiling slightly. “But it really has to be only a minute.”
“So why just for a minute?” Jason says
as he eases his lanky frame into a chair. His tone is light and mildly flirtatious. He doesn’t want to appear nosy or aggressive.
“I’m with someone and we’ve got lots to catch up on,” Dana says, noticing that Jason didn’t introduce himself. Some guys consider this a power play, but she’s wise to it.
Jason picks up on the tiny grain of free information Dana offered and hopes he can use it to keep the conversation flowing without resorting to the usual clichés. He continues with the light tone. “Ah ha. Does that mean you’ve both been having adventures lately?”
Dana laughs. “Depends on your definition of adventure, I suppose. One of us finally found a terrific apartment, and the other got a job offer she was hoping for but wasn’t expecting.” She glances at his eyes, then looks away.
“Hmmm. And are you the apartment, or the job offer?”
“The job offer.”
“Congratulations,” Jason says, smiling.
“My friend’s heading back here.” Dana gives Jason a warm smile.
Dana could choose, of course, to invite Jason to stay at their table, but she instead uses the principle of scarcity. Jason asks if she’d like to get together the following Friday. Coincidentally, Dana is tied up that night. Jason asks for her phone number but she replies, “I’m Dana. Give me your number and I’ll call you.” She has not only upped her value, but she holds all the cards in this potential relationship.
Canned Moves = Bad Moves
I don’t believe in cheesy opening lines or tacky, rehearsed, smooth moves. From “I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away” to “Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?” these ploys are totally passé. Most people are neither charmed nor fooled by any of them. Depending on the circumstances, simple questions like “Is this your first time here?” “Do you like this class?” or “I just read that book. What do you think of it?” are a thousand times more likely to work—as long as you’re sincere, spontaneous, and being yourself.
Three Types of Flirting
We can break flirting down into three main types: public, social, and private. Public flirting is usually a spontaneous, amusing, and harmless way to brighten someone’s day, to add a little playtime to life or an otherwise routine relationship, and generally to spread a little happiness around. Social flirting (the kind you just saw in the Dana/Jason scenario) adds a sexual element to the mix, signaling interest. Private flirting is one-on-one, radiates sex appeal, and enhances your ability to make someone fall in love with you in 90 minutes or less. Naturally, your attitude, clothing, self-confidence, and personality all contribute to your ability to flirt but, whether you are a man or a woman, generating and sending out sexual messages through grown-up sexual energy is an integral part of making yourself more irresistible to a partner.
Sex appeal is what separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Boys and girls strive for cute, but grown-up men and women, with their air of confidence, poise, and mystery, exude real sex appeal.
Understanding the difference between cute and sexy is second nature in the world of fashion photography, especially when you’re shooting attention-getting magazine covers. Cute, adorable, and sweet have their place, but there’s no mistaking them for the show-stopping, magnetic pull of sex appeal. You put cute on the cover of Seventeen; you put sex appeal on the cover of GQ or Harper’s Bazaar. Cute is for kids, teens, and baby animals. Sexy is for grown-ups.
Personal Space
We all walk around within an invisible cocoon known as our personal space: The farther away someone is from us, the less threatening he is; the closer he gets, the more uncomfortable we can become—unless we’ve already decided to let him in.
Different cultures have different norms of personal space. For North Americans, the concentric circles of defense start roughly ten feet out (beyond which is public space), running from there to arm’s length (social space), then to within arm’s length (personal space), and finally to within a foot or so (private space). One of the biggest mistakes you can make during any first encounter is misjudging a person’s personal space and causing his or her emotional self-defense systems to kick in. In some everyday situations (on a crowded train or elevator, when sitting in a theater or flying coach) we’re able to turn off those defenses, but when we’re flirting, our senses are already heightened and unexpected intrusions can be a big turnoff.
Public Flirting
We all flirt in one way or another from time to time: cooing and playing peekaboo with a baby, teasing friends or loved ones, surprising them with small gifts or doing something thoughtful and unexpected, playing hard-to-please, acting coy, or feigning astonishment at a risqué tale. These are all playful, flirtatious behaviors designed to heighten excitement and curiosity and entice a favorable response. There are many situations where you probably don’t even realize you’re flirting. You banter with the woman at the pharmacy or joke with the man at the dry cleaner. The guy at the deli counter smiles and addresses you by name every time he sees you. These are the kinds of interactions humans are designed to enjoy and respond to. Public flirtation is innocent, makes us feel good (it is, after all, a form of flattery), and keeps us in touch with other people. Don’t underestimate the importance of flirtation in your daily life.
Fortunately, you can take advantage of opportunities to flirt almost anywhere, anytime. You can flirt for seconds or minutes, and it can happen at work, when you travel, when you shop; at church, a ball game, a music club, a funeral, a wedding, or an AA meeting. But sooner or later, you’ll decide that someone with whom you’ve flirted deserves additional attention, and that you’re interested in finding out more about him or her. That’s when it’s time to try some social flirting.
Less Is More
If you’ve ever been to an auction or seen one in the movies, you’ll have noticed that when seasoned buyers make their bids, they are very subtle with their gestures and expressions—yet their offers always get noticed. These bidders are confident, nonchalant, and slightly mysterious. The amateurs, on the other hand, are very easy to spot. They’re the ones waving their hands or their programs to make sure they’re seen. Take your flirting cues from the seasoned professional bidders. Don’t be pushy, don’t be obvious, don’t be overtly emotional, and don’t go out of your way to get attention. Here, as in so many parts of life, less is definitely more.
Social Flirting
Social flirting is a friendly and playful way to let someone know that you’ve noticed him and are interested, and it can signal anything from “Hi, I like your style; let’s get to know each other better,” to “Catch me if you can and see what might happen.”
When we envision a typical social flirtation, we tend to picture two people chatting at a party or a bar or club. Both are beautifully dressed, they sip their wine elegantly, the camera cuts to a close-up of their eyes, which send unmistakable signals as the people make witty remarks loaded with sexual innuendo. That’s great, but there are many simpler and less cinematic forms of social flirtation. It’s all about making a personal connection and getting the chemistry flowing. You can use a hello or good-bye to emphasize how great things are when you’re together. You can lend her your jacket if she looks cold. You can “accidentally” brush up against him, or bump shoulders casually when walking down the street. Throw a quick glance. Compliment her. Cast him a sidelong gaze. Tell her how good she’d look in that sexy dress you see in the store window.
A woman can send sexual signals by licking her lips slightly, tracing the outline of her collar with her fingers, playing with her hair or jewelry, or running her hand down her thigh. A man can do the same by straightening his tie, running a hand through his hair, or gently tossing his head.
There’s obviously a fine line between too much sexual innuendo and not enough. As a general rule you should take care that your behavior isn’t sending mixed signals or promising more than you’re prepared to deliver. Flaunt your sexuality too much in your social flirting a
nd you’ll probably come across as a tease and/or cute or silly. Too little flaunting and you run the risk of becoming just a friend.
Flirting in Action
Let’s look at an example. Genna is a naturally outgoing person who finds it easy to talk to strangers. While waiting at the Baltimore airport to board a flight to Memphis, she’s spotted a guy who seems both artistic and down-to-earth—just her type. He’s wearing a black T-shirt with jeans, his hair looks deliberately tousled, and his black leather bag looks worn, yet classy. He’s reading a newspaper and she notices he’s not wearing a wedding ring. She sits down opposite him, within his social space, and makes herself comfortable. The scene unfolds.
As she pushes her hair back, Genna “realizes” her left earring is missing. She glances down at her lap, then around her chair and under the seats next to her. The interesting-looking man has noticed her dilemma, and Genna sees that he’s smiling. She has his attention. She gazes directly at him, a little embarrassed, and shakes her head. “I just lost an earring somewhere.”
He offers to help, but they don’t find it.
“Did you have it on when you got here?” he asks as she sits back down. He sits back down, too, but this time he says, “May I?” and takes the seat next to her. He knows that moving into someone’s personal or private space can make them feel uncomfortable or even intimidated. (See the box on page 240.)
“I’m not completely sure. I hope I didn’t lose it at the gallery.” (Note: free information!)
“What does it look like?”
Genna turns her head, moves a little closer, and brushes her hair back to show him the remaining earring dangling from her lobe.
After some small talk in which he asks her about the gallery and learns that Genna will be on business in Memphis for four days, he asks her if she’d like to meet up and do something. It’s his hometown. He knows all the good spots.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 16
