by Kylar Wilde
“Morning ladies,” I said, as I leaned against the desk.
Christi gave me a warm smile as she said hello to me. The other nurse, Walker, didn’t even look up from the computer or speak. I didn’t know if I should be insulted or turned on by her obvious lack of interest in me.
“We haven’t met yet. I’m Dr. Derek Hawkins,” I said, trying to get her to engage with me.
Nurse Walker looked up, finally, and I could feel my breath leave my body for a moment when I finally got to see her eyes. Her perfectly mascaraed lashes complemented her alluring gunmetal grey orbs. Yet, I could have sworn that beneath them, was a veil trying to hold back the darkness within them. I knew that look and I couldn’t help but wonder what had put it there.
“Hello, I’m Nurse Walker,” she finally introduced herself.
No first name though so apparently, she was going to make me work for it.
“Elle, Elle Walker,” Christi added with an enthusiastic smile.
Apparently not. I could see just the slightest annoyance flicker through Elle’s grey eyes as she furrowed her neatly-shaped eyebrows a little before it disappeared. It would seem I was not the only one annoyed by Christi.
“We are due in the O.R. Do you know the way?” I asked. I wasn’t looking to get on this woman’s bad side. If she was as good as everyone had said, then I wanted to stay on her good side so I could use her more on my service and perhaps spend more time with her.
“I’ll find it,” Elle said.
“No need. I’m heading there now. I’ll show you the way,” I said with my signature winsome smile, the one that normally made all the girls swoon.
It had zero effect on her.
Elle gave a slight nod and she closed down whatever it was that she was working on before she stood. We started to walk down the hallway and I noticed that she made sure to stay as far away from me as possible without it looking like she was doing just that. I had no idea why she was so guarded and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was just with me or with everyone else. With her only being here for a week, there wasn’t really much known about her. Jeff had just said she was good at what she did. He hadn’t heard anything about where she came from, how old she was, family life none of it. It was weird though, because in my experience nurses loved to gossip. It didn’t matter if the nurse was male or female, they all gossiped about everyone. So why hadn’t anyone gotten any information out of Elle?
“So. You’ve only been here a week?” I asked, looking to get some kind of information out of her.
“Yes.”
One-word answer, not a good sign. This was the first time I encountered any woman talking that curtly to me. Usually women would be scrambling for a conversation with me. I figured I would try another way, so she would have to speak more than one word.
“Where were you before Tampa?”
“Around.”
“Whoa, calm down chatterbox,” I teased with a playful smirk.
“Is Mr. Davis already there?” Elle asked, completely uninterested in engaging in my playful banter.
“He will be, yes. We have all of our patients transferred into the O.R. before we scrub in. That allows them to calm down and get sedated before we get there. Some patients take longer to calm down, so this way we are not all standing around waiting. When we arrive, he will be sedated and ready to go. Have you done a valve replacement before?”
I was happy to talk to her about the work if that was what she was more comfortable doing. I didn’t need conversation in my life, but it helped when you were going to be standing next to someone for over twelve hours. I didn’t want any awkwardness in my O.R. because everyone could then feel it and they might not work to the best of their ability. I was a firm believer in energy within an O.R. and any bad or negative energy could be transferred to the patient and put their life at risk. It might sound silly, but I had seen patients die because they believed they would, and patients that should never have made it off the table live because they believed they would. Energy and positive thoughts did have an impact on the body and as a result I made sure my O.R. was always filled with positive people that could work well together. I didn’t tend to add new people, but Jeff had said the new nurse was good within the E.R. and I was hoping those skills would transfer over to the O.R. I needed a new scrub nurse after my last one went on maternity leave.
“Sort of,” Elle answered.
“How do you sort of see something?” That was not the answer I was expecting. Yes or no, would have been the answer I was expecting to hear.
“I saw the beginning of one, but the patient never made it past the dissection.”
“Must not have been a very good surgeon,” I said.
“He was, actually. The patient just didn’t have anything left for us to attach the new valve to.”
“Anything left? Was he in a car crash or something?”
It was a weird way to word it. Most valve replacements happen because the valve in the heart malfunctioned or stopped working due to heart disease or a birth defect. There was always something there to work with.
“Something like that. It wasn’t from a natural cause.”
I wanted to press for more, but I could tell that Elle wasn’t the type of person that would be releasing information willingly, which was very interesting. I was so used to the gossip mill around here, it was refreshing to meet a woman that didn’t care for it. We arrived at the O.R. scrub room and I started to go through my routine of getting scrubbed. I saw Elle out of the corner of my eye getting scrubbed in. She clearly knew what she was doing and that helped to build my confidence in her. Once we were ready, we headed into the O.R. and got our gowns and gloves on.
This was the part that I loved. Being able to hold the human heart in my hands. To take something so important that is broken and fix it. To give them a second chance at life. When I was an intern doing my very first rotation within the cardiac department, I fell in love with it. I loved the challenge. I loved the thrill of being able to hold a human heart in my hands, feeling it beat, knowing that I was able to keep that person alive. Cardio was where my future was and I worked my ass off to make sure I got there. Now I was the head of the Cardiothoracic department within the hospital and people came to see me from all over the East Coast. I had built a life and a name for myself and I never took it for granted.
Growing up, it was just my older brother and me. Our parents were nowhere to be found, both of them drug addicts. We were placed in foster care when I was just two years old. I have no memories of my parents; my brother Quinn was only four at the time. We had spent our childhood going from one foster home to the next. At times we were separated and then reunited in a new home. It got harder when we were teenagers, we were often getting torn apart, but thankfully we could still be in the same school. When Quinn turned eighteen, he was kicked out of the system and he had nothing. I told him he didn't need to stay around for me, that he could go and live his life. I knew Quinn wanted to be in the military and I wasn't about to hold him back. He had a real chance at a life and I didn’t want him to stick around for me. He enlisted and when he was in town, he made sure to see me. When I turned eighteen, I started on my own journey of becoming a doctor.
After all these years, we were living together once again. He had gotten out of the Army three years ago, but after fourteen years of service he had his own demons to battle. When he returned, injured, I told him he was staying with me until he was ready to be on his own. I didn’t care how long it took, he would always be welcome in my home. Now, after three years, he was a detective trying to carve out a new life for himself. I was very proud of him, but he still had moments where his PTSD would make an appearance and knock him on his ass for a little while. It didn’t matter to me; I was always going to be there for him no matter how dark it got.
“We all set?” I asked the anesthesiologist.
“He’s good to go.”
“Let’s get to it then,” I said with a smile that no one could se
e.
3
Elle
I let out a sigh as I sat at the bar. Today had been a long day, but it was a good day. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle working in the O.R. again after so long, but it felt like home. I love what I do and it felt amazing to be able to do it again. I had been nervous and unsure about working, especially in a hospital, but I was glad I took the jump. It felt good to be back into the O.R. and helping to save a life.
Watching Dr. Hawkins was impressive. Despite his bad rep in the department of relationships, he was good at his craft. He was a good surgeon and he knew what he was doing. He was able to stay calm even when something unexpected happened, a major sign that your surgeon was an expert. At first, I wasn’t sure how I would feel standing next to him for so many hours, how he would be with me there. But he acted like I had been there all along and didn't try to talk to me the whole time. He allowed me to be quiet and just focus on my job, something I was grateful for.
I also appreciated how understanding he was with me. He knew I had only gone so far in a valve replacement before, so when we reached a new part, he calmly explained what he was doing and what he would need from me. He was a great teacher and he didn’t treat me like I was some fledgling who could only hand him scalpels and hold the suction tube. It was refreshing and I was actually looking forward to being on his service this week. For tonight, I was going to be doing my ritual of drinking until I was so tired, I could fall asleep without dreaming.
I knew it wasn’t the best way to handle my demons, but it was all I had right now and it wasn't like I was drinking on shift. I was always sober when I went in to work, so what did it matter if I drank?
“Elle, fancy meeting you here.”
I looked up and saw Dr. Hawkins. He strolled towards me with his own glass of whiskey, looking very debonair in a casual white short-sleeved buttoned shirt. He sat down comfortably on the empty bar stool next to me.
“Dr. Hawkins,” I acknowledged.
“Are you ever going to call me Derek?” he asked with a smile.
“Maybe,” I said with a coy smile myself.
He gave a chuckle before he spoke. “You did good today. You have a serious talent; I’m going to have a hard time letting you slip away at the end of the week.”
I couldn’t help but wondered if the last part of his sentence had another meaning.
“I like floating.”
“Why? Most nurses prefer to work in the same department all the time. They like getting to work with the same people and around the same patients. Why do you like to float?”
“It allows me to keep honing my skills. I learn new things being around different patients and in different departments,” I answered honestly.
“I can understand that. We have a few doctors that like to float around for that very reason. I respect that and I look forward to working with you again when you are back on my rotation after this week is over,” he said with a warm smile.
I didn’t say anything back, I simply finished my whiskey and ordered another one. I was not in the mood to talk. I really wanted to be alone, but for some reason Dr. Hawkins was not getting the message. Perhaps he did and he didn’t care. Probably the second one.
“You celebrating or forgetting?” he asked.
“I only get those two options?” I asked without lifting my gaze to him and continued indulging in my whiskey.
“Those are the only options when someone drinks as much as you are on a Monday evening.”
“Technically it’s Tuesday,” I said with a small smirk.
It was just after midnight so I wasn't wrong. And my shift tomorrow didn’t start until four in the afternoon, so I had plenty of time to sleep it off.
“True. But you didn’t answer my question.”
“Why do you care?” I challenged.
“I care about people. It’s a flaw I know, but one I can’t shake off. And yes, those are the only options, because no one drinks like you are unless there is a reason. I’m going to assume based on that darkness you are trying so hard to hide in your eyes that you are looking to forget.”
I couldn’t help but look at him, shocked. No one had ever noticed that I was fighting so hard to keep my emotions locked down. I was fighting so hard to keep my demons in their box. No one had ever noticed before, especially not someone I had just met that day. He shouldn’t have been able to read me that well. He gave a nod before he spoke.
“I’ve seen that look before. It’s the same look my brother has. He enlisted when he was eighteen and after fourteen years of service as an Army Ranger, he came home three years ago with that look. You were a nurse in the military, I’m assuming. It would explain your skills and how you can handle the chaos of the E.R. better than most doctors we have.”
His voice was calm and measured as he spoke. He seemed to lead me close, in hopes I’d provide my own answers to confirm his deduction. I didn’t expect anyone to figure me out and I didn’t want them to. I wanted to be a nobody walking through the halls. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had been in the Army. I couldn’t believe he figured it out with just our first encounter today, but I guess it made sense if he had a brother who was in the military. And as an Army Ranger, that was no joke. Those soldiers had a hard time overseas; I had patched many of them up. I could only imagine some of the horrors his brother had seen and gone through.
“I don’t want to talk about that,” I said, as I finished my drink.
“Fair enough. Hey Mac, can we get two more whiskeys please?” he said to the bartender.
“Two?” I asked.
“I am a firm believer that women shouldn’t drink alone,” he said in an almost patronizing manner which ruffled my feathers a little.
“I can protect myself,” I said with confidence.
The words that came out from my mouth almost betrayed my eyes as I was suddenly taken in by how charming he looked. The way his mouth lifted upward to one side. The way his one dimple crinkled. The way his teeth are perfectly aligned behind those lips. Oh, and that scruffy look he sported like he had no time to shave the past few days because he cared for his patients too much.
“Of that I have no doubt. I would bet you could easily kick my ass.”
“In about two minutes,” I said with a small smile.
He gave a healthy laugh as he picked up his drink, holding the glass out towards me. I picked up mine and clinked it against his. I wasn’t looking for a companion, but it did feel nice to have someone to talk to right now, even if it was about nothing important. Plus, having a drinking buddy might not be a bad thing.
The first thing I noticed was the pounding headache that was overtaking my whole body. I was used to being hungover, I was a pro at it by this point, but it was never fun. I just lay there in bed trying to get my head to calm down. I also tried to figure out what had happened the night before. I didn’t really black out, but there were some fuzzy areas. I remembered being in the bar after work and drinking with Dr. Hawkins. I remembered him figuring out I was in the Army. I remembered him telling me his older brother was an Army Ranger. Then I knew there was more drinking, lots of drinking if my head was anything to go by. After that it got fuzzier.
I opened my eyes and slowly sat up in bed. That is when I noticed two things; one, I wasn’t in my home, and two, I was naked. Like fully naked under the covers of a kind-sized bed that wasn’t mine. A quick look around told me I was in a man’s bedroom, not only a man’s bedroom, but Dr. Hawkins’ bedroom.
“Oh shit,” I groaned as reality hit me.
Bits and pieces started to come back to me and I could remember our lips interlocking and kissing furiously outside of the bar and then getting into a cab and going to his place. We ended up having sex before, I assume, we both passed out. I couldn’t even be mad at him about it, because we were both so very drunk. I vaguely remember how it felt – drunken but good yet, I couldn’t believe this was happening. I hadn’t been with anyone in close to eight months and now I had s
pent a drunken one-night stand with a doctor that I had to work beside for the rest of the week. A doctor that had now seen my scars. This was the worst thing that could have happened. I didn’t want anyone to see my scars, but especially not someone that was always being talked about. All it would take was for him to mention it just once and then the whole hospital would know about them.
I could not bear to look at my scars at all, I couldn’t imagine what he might have thought of them. The only comfort I had was knowing that he was just as drunk as I was last night and might not really register all of them. Though, he would surely have noticed some of them this morning with some sunlight streaming in when he left the bedroom at some point.
For all I knew, he might be sitting in his living room right now. I couldn’t help but sigh at the reality of the situation. I had to get dressed and get out of here, quickly. I looked over at the bedside table and saw that it was just after two in the afternoon. On it, there were a couple of over-the-counter pain meds, a glass of water and a note. I picked up the note and quickly read it.
Elle,
I got called in early for an emergency surgery. I’m hoping my head doesn't explode from the pounding headache. I left a spare key on the kitchen counter so you can lock up on your way out. From what I remember of last night I had a good time and hopefully we can do it again, sober. Feel free to grab something to eat and I will see you later at work.
-Der
I placed the note down, washed the pain meds down with water before even allowing my fuzzy mind the chance to think about what I had just read. He wanted to do it again with me? Why would he want to ever see me naked again? Why would he ever want to see those ugly scars on my body again?
I couldn’t understand it. I was not something you wanted to look at. Sure, my face was pretty and I had great boobs and a perky butt, but I had different scars covering various parts of by body from what had happened to me.
