by C. M. Albert
And Brighton? Everything’s going to be okay if you just love one another.
I was worried for a good reason when I first met you. It’s because I was worried you and Liv were meant to be together. And you know what? I wasn’t wrong. I just never knew that we were, too.
Carpe diem, Kerrington.
Love,
Ryan
Olivia’s Letter
Dear Olivia,
How do I even start a letter I think you might read one day when I’m not around? There was never any version of our future where we weren’t together. Not even after everything went down. When we said our wedding vows, I meant them. And I feel good knowing I did everything I could to live them in practice.
But, Liv, it was wrong of us to make a truth pact. Not because honesty isn’t important. But because there’s inherently a lack of trust if we felt the need to make that kind of promise to begin with. Every time I asked you “truth?” it was because I was afraid—which meant I was untrusting and didn’t have enough faith in us. And that wasn’t fair to you. I thought it would bring us closer, but instead, it caused one of the biggest rifts of our marriage, because you were afraid, too. Which is why you lied to me. I understand everything so much better now.
I’ll let Kerrington fill you in on the reason why I’m writing these letters right now. Like I told him, I pray you never see them.
Not just because you’re having our baby, but because I want to spend the rest of my very long life with you—and Kerrington. You once thanked me for being brave enough to let you love two men. You know what? I could say the same. You were brave enough to let me explore my love for Brighton, even when neither of us knew what that meant. You didn’t feel threatened by it. You trusted me. Just like I should’ve done with you all along.
Do I have regrets? Yes. I’m not going to waste my last words on them, though. Instead, I want you to know that you were the single best thing to ever happen to me. I was happy, Livy. Even when I was acting like a rage ball because I’d stuffed all my feelings down like one of those clown cans with the crinkly snakes in it. Sooner or later, the pressure had to release. I hate that you saw that and pray you never remember me in that way.
Because when I think of my life, I think of you. I don’t care that I had a wall full of diplomas or was a professor of anything. (Though, yeah, I did like teaching. Make sure my students know that, okay? Maybe glorify me with a scholarship or something? Yeah, I’d like that. Make Kerrington pay for it though. He’s loaded.)
Seriously though. It was always you. Everything in my life started and ended with Olivia North Wells, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It was a life well lived.
Now, I know you’re probably pissed at me for dying, and for leaving you when our baby was finally on the way. (Insert biggest regret here.) But like I said before, I am forever grateful that you won’t be alone now. Kerrington will love you as deeply, fiercely, and protectively as I did. Do not be afraid to love him back just as hard. Don’t ever let the memory of me hold you back from having the biggest, best love affair of your life.
You will go on, Liv. And I expect you to. God is within you. You will not fall. And don’t forget, you can always call on me like a force ghost.
Please make sure Baby T knows me. Make sure she knows I wanted her. That if I’m gone, it wasn’t by choice. Nothing could’ve dragged me from my life unless it was out of my control. Just like with love, I’m trying to surrender the outcome of my life. Whatever the doctor tells me next week, I’ll deal with it. I hope I just have to eat more broccoli or something. And you know how much I hate that shit. But I would eat all the broccoli for you, Liv.
Well, I’ve got to get to the hardest letter of all next: our daughter’s. I sure wish I knew what we were naming her. I guess fate will decide that, eh?
I’m not saying goodbye because I believe you are my person, Liv. I believe we will see each other again someday in another lifetime, another dimension, or in heaven itself. All I know is, my time with you isn’t over. It never will be. (But don’t let that stop you from having fun with Kerrington while I’m gone. A girl’s gotta live a little.)
I love you, Livy. My wild, wild heart. Put your grieving behind. And enjoy all the beautiful, little moments of your life. Because we all know those are really the big things.
For now, I am going to lie down in the blanket of your love and sleep.
Until next time, all my love,
Ryan
PS: Liv + Ry 4ever
Epilogue
Ryan
WAVES OF NAVY blue swarmed the sky, rising, rising, rising before being suspended in a moment of time against a backdrop of clouds, then plummeting back to earth unceremoniously. I would never be able to find my graduation cap. I scowled. I searched for the one with the hand-painted hydrangea on the top and the words: Carpe Diem! Which is exactly what I planned to do as soon as I found my stupid cap.
“Looking for this?”
I turned and grinned, flinging myself into my dad’s arms. “Thank you!” I squealed. “I mean, I had to throw it. It’s tradition. But . . . ”
“I know, Ry,” Dad joked. And he did. He knew me better than anyone. Even Mom. Maybe that’s because my other dad, the one I was named after, was his best friend. He says I remind him a lot of my OG dad (my nickname for him since he was my “original” dad). I wish I’d had a chance to meet him, but then I remind myself if I’m that much like him, then I kinda already do know him pretty darn well. And that’s kind of cool.
I ran my finger over my graduation cap, getting a little teary eyed. It felt like my senior year flew by way too fast. Before I knew it, I’d be off to Duke. I looked around, trying to spot Mom in the crowd. She was standing in the bleachers waving at me, her sleek, blond bob brushing against her shoulders as her face burst with excitement. I grinned and put my hands together and made a heart. She did the same. It was kind of our thing.
Munch was slouched next to her, his black hoodie drawn over his head as he texted furiously. He hated when I called him that, but it was my nickname for him since he was a baby. To me, he would never be Marshall. And despite his recent front that he didn’t give a crap about much in life if it didn’t have pepperoni, a game controller, or boobs—I knew the real Munch.
We may’ve had different OG dads, but we were as thick as thieves. He caught me looking at him and flipped me the bird, but I saw that cocky smile of his lift the corner of his lips.
“So, where are we going for lunch?” I asked, checking my watch. Dad insisted I wear one. Back in his day, it was called a “smart watch.” These days, every watch has the same basic features, though hardly anyone I know wears one anymore. The only reason I did was because I was a cross country runner, and my parents were constantly worried about me. Since that’s how my OG dad died, it’s the one thing I don’t push back on.
We made our way to the school parking lot, and I found Mom’s blue minivan easily enough. It was the same one she’s had my whole life. It’s so embarrassing and old, but she says it’s dependable and safe. And my dad always says it’s better to be safe than sorry.
But not for me, and not today.
Before I left this small town, I had one last thing to do. And today was the day. I was afraid if I didn’t get moving, I’d get cold feet. Mom and Dad have been giving me more freedom since I turned eighteen, and I tried not to take advantage of it. But tonight was different. I didn’t want them to know about it, because I was afraid if they found out I lied, I might lose my graduation gift—which was a week at our beach house for me, my six closest friends, and their boyfriends. I’d be bringing my girlfriend, Hannah.
When we got to the car, Mom wrapped me in a hug and held on tight. Her hugs were the best. “How do you feel?” she asked.
“Relieved.”
“I can imagine. You should be proud though. You busted your ass to be valedictorian.” What she didn’t say was inherently implied: especially with dyslexia.
It had been a chall
enge, and I had to work harder than my friends, but Dad told me all the ways it actually made my brain superior. I tried to remember that when I got discouraged and wanted to give up. Now that I’m older, I know it wasn’t necessarily superior, it was just different. And if my parents taught me anything, it was that different is okay. In fact, it was superior.
“Can I go now?” Munch asked, pointing to a group of his friends. They were all holding skateboards and phones. Mom always says some things never change.
“Can I get a hug first?” I challenged him.
He rolled his eyes but wrapped an arm around me and squeezed my neck. He was already taller than me, and he knew it chapped my ass. “Congrats, Sis,” he said before running off to join his friends. Munch was a man of many words.
“So, are we going to lunch or not?” Mom asked as we all piled into the minivan.
“I hate to ask, but would you be too mad if I took a raincheck instead?”
Mom swallowed, but then met my eyes in the review mirror. “Of course not, Ry.”
I watched as Dad squeezed her hand over the center console. “Thanks, Mom. Hannah’s meeting us at the house. Her graduation already ended.”
The only reason we weren’t at each other’s graduation ceremonies was because we went to different high schools. I went to a small private one and Hannah went to the city school. She didn’t hold it against me though. I only went because I got better differentiated learning services there than I would in public school. Guess Mom was right. Some things never change.
“Where are you girls headed, if you’re bailing on lunch with us?”
“It’s kind of a surprise. Can I tell you later?”
“Sure,” she said. “It’s not anything dangerous, is it?”
“Not from what I hear.”
“All right then. I’m going to trust you, Ryan.”
“I promise I’ll be safe, Mom,” I said, softening.
I knew no matter how much she and Dad tried to be the cool parents, they worried about us. It took Mom a long time to get pregnant with me. So, I understood. Life was precious to my parents. It’s one of the things that made them so different from my friends’ parents and was what I loved the most about them. They truly loved one another and never took each other for granted. They made it look easy, but Mom admitted it’s not. She told me early on that love takes work, and it’s always a choice, but it’s worth it.
When we pulled up to the house, Hannah was waiting for me on our back porch. She was in a bathing suit already and sunning on a lounge chair. She popped up the minute she heard our old minivan pull in. Cars nowadays didn’t sound like this. In fact, they were completely silent. Mom’s dinosaur was a dying breed. Not many cars even ran on gasoline anymore.
I jumped out of the car and went over to my girlfriend. “Hey, Han.”
“Hey, Ry.” She looped her arm over my shoulder and gave me a big smooch on the cheek. It’s not like we hadn’t gone farther than that, but we usually kept things pretty PG in front of my parents.
“Nice bathing suit. Is it new?”
“Yep! Just for this special occasion.”
“So, it involves water, then?” Mom teased. “Does that mean you accepted the invite to the pool party?”
“Mom!” I said, rolling my eyes. “Stop trying to play detective and trust me.”
She laughed, holding up her hands. “Okay, okay. You haven’t let us down yet. Do you need me to make sandwiches or anything before you leave?”
“I brought a picnic lunch for us, Mrs. Wells,” Hannah said.
“Okay. Well, if you don’t need us, we’ll probably go take a nap. It’s been a long day, and we didn’t get much sleep last night.”
It was true. I heard her and Dad come in later than they normally did. Their company was about to go public, which meant all eyes were on them. Mom and Dad linked hands and went through the back door. When we were alone, I turned back to Hannah. “So, you have everything?”
“Sure do!” she said, winking. Then she wove her hand through my long, brown hair and cupped the back of my head, pulling my mouth to her lips. Kissing Hannah would never get old.
“Let me go get my things and I’ll be right back,” I told her, squeezing her hand.
I went to my bedroom and grabbed my backpack. I didn’t need much, just a blanket, some bug spray, a little music, a towel, some sweatpants and a hoodie in case it got cold overnight, a flashlight, some Swedish Fish, and of course—the letter.
I changed into my bathing suit and threw on a pair of jean shorts and my favorite retro T-shirt that I’d “borrowed” from Mom. It was a soft, worn-in one from my OG dad’s alma mater, SU. It made Mom weepy in a happy way because it was the T-shirt he wore the first time he told her he loved her.
On my way out the door, I scratched Peeta’s head, and he immediately dropped to the floor and rolled over onto his back for a tummy rub. “Who’s a good boy?” I said, laughing.
I could hear Mom and Dad giggling from their master bedroom. When we were in middle school and no longer needed a playroom, they moved their bedroom from the second floor to the first. They blew out the back of the house and made a giant master suite, with a walk-in closet that was bigger than Hannah’s entire apartment. And don’t get me started on the bathroom! It would make any future loo of mine feel like a Porta Potty. I was happy for them, though. They deserved it. And lord knows I was happy when they no longer shared walls with me. There are just some things a daughter doesn’t need to hear. And I wasn’t stupid. I knew what “nap” was code for.
I got a little case of guilty conscience after hearing them and decided to leave a note, so they didn’t worry. Better safe than sorry, I guess.
Mom & Dad,
I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid you’d get mad at me, but Hannah and I are going to the Hole today instead of the pool party. We’re camping out there overnight. I’ll have my phone if you need me, and I have my watch on. I just didn’t want you to worry. But I’ll be okay. I’ll be with Hannah. And before you ask, yes, I’m bringing the letter. Sorry to do it alone, on my terms. But you always told me to follow my heart. And this feels right, opening it there.
I love you guys!
—Ry
Hannah and I enjoyed the drive up to the Hole. Mom says it takes less time to get there now because the road systems and transportation infrastructure were overhauled when Munch and I were younger. Hannah and I talked the whole way there and played a few rounds of Would You Rather? It was a game my parents played with us on car rides when we were kids. It was so nice not to have to actually drive Hannah’s car. They were so self-sufficient now. I still thought it was funny that my mom enjoyed driving. I mean—what’s to enjoy? It was only something to get you from point A to point B.
We programmed Hannah’s car to park where my mom showed me once. I never had the nerve to jump into the quarry before, but today—I was taking the plunge! We hiked upward, the climb steep. Hannah had never been, so I couldn’t wait to show her. When we made it to the top, I stopped, taking in a huge lungful of air out of habit. Mom and Dad always told to me to check my breathing after exercise to make sure I wasn’t having any shortness of breath or chest pains. So far, all my genetic screening came back negative for the mutation. But still, they worried.
I felt amazing and couldn’t wait to spend the afternoon with Hannah. We laid out our blankets, and she pulled out the picnic lunch she made for us. She also showed me the tattoo pen she’d borrowed from her brother. We were giving each other matching tattoos today, and it would be so cool because they’d be in each other’s handwriting, which was rare to see these days.
When my OG dad and mom were married, they had this amazingly romantic love affair. They’d still be together if he hadn’t died. “Liv and Ry forever” was their thing. They even wrote it all cute-like: Liv + Ry 4ever. So, Hannah and I decided to give each other matching tattoos that said: Han + Ry 4ever. We knew we were young, but if my parents taught me anything, it was tha
t when you met your person, you knew. And Hannah was my person. We were going to the same university, and we planned to get married someday. Mom would kill me if I did it anytime soon. That’s okay. We could wait. We had our whole lives ahead of us.
But I had two things to tackle first: the jump and the plunge. Jumping from the cliff would be far easier than the plunge I was about to take into my past. I’d waited my whole life for both, so it seemed only right that on the precipice of this important junction in my life, as I hung balanced between the last summer of my childhood and the rest of my life, I took a leap of faith and trusted that I would be okay after both.
“Let’s do this,” I said, standing. I pulled Hannah up with me, and we stripped down to our bathing suits.
“You sure you’re ready?” she asked. I squeezed her hand.
Up here, in the mountains, time stood still. Not much had changed since my parents used to come. It was the same big clearing, the same big tree, and the same quarry. The only thing that changed over the years was the rope.
“It’s now or never.”
Hannah laughed when I still didn’t move. “Would it be easier if I went first?”
And that was just one of the bajillion reasons why I loved her. I hadn’t told her yet. I was saving it for today—just like my OG dad had done. “I feel like it’s something I’ve got to do,” I explained.
“Go get ’em, Ry,” she said, pulling me in for a kiss. This time it was deeper and longer since my parents weren’t around. The good kind of shivers raced over my skin, causing goose bumps to form even though it was warm outside. I knew it was time.
“Hannah, I need to tell you something first,” I whispered when our kiss ended.
“It’s okay if you’re afraid to go. We can just chill instead. Do our tattoos. Wait—” she pulled back and looked at me. “You do still want to do them, don’t you?”
