by A J Wolf
Most days, I know I'm decidedly not okay without looking at it. Nana always said, “Hadley, the day is what you make it, honey, and you can make it great.” She said it like it was a simple solution, to just not have a bad day, to just not be sad. And maybe it is that simple, although I don't understand how, Nana certainly was never sad.
But Nana isn't here anymore, and all I have of her is my mood ring and memories that make it swirl grey and yellow. I don't need the mood ring my Nana gave me to understand that I am nothing but a broken doll without her. A puppet for those around me to use as they see fit and jerk around even as my strings fray from the constant abuse and my porcelain cracks. I have no one that truly cares about me. I'm just the sad, quiet girl who relies on an old pawnshop ring to tell me how I'm feeling. The girl who lets guys fuck her to feel a semblance of intimacy inside her cold, dark world of self doubt. Their rough hands and wet lips never entirely fill that void, not completely, but for a few precious moments, I can pretend.
I can pretend I'm not the girl who fucks strangers in the dark so they don't see my scars. That I'm not the girl who cries into her pillow over the pain in her chest she doesn't understand. I can pretend that I'm not the girl who has nothing and no one. I desperately want to be wanted, not just for my body, but for me. Desperately want to be needed in a way that doesn't involve sex or a means to an end. But if my past has taught me anything, it's that that's not the life I've been given. I drew the short end of the stick, destined to be the black sheep, branded with the mark of disgrace for all to see.
At some point, I know I'll stop chasing my need to feel needed, that I'll just give up and disappear like everyone I've ever cared about. But right now, I'm still sick with lust for it. My desperate heart makes me sick even as I do what I have to to feed that dark pit that lives just under my ribs. I hate that I allow myself to be used. I hate that I allow my strings to be stroked and plucked at the will of others. I hate that I like it. I hate that a dark, sick part of me clings to it because it's all I can get.
Kyler's body lands atop mine as he orgasms; hot, sticky ropes of cum dripping down the inside of my thighs as he pulls out of me to spray his release across my ass cheeks. He does it for his own satisfaction, something he's never voiced, but I'm more than aware of as his fingers swipe over the warmth of it to swipe a sticky path down the crease of my ass.
I'm not worried about getting pregnant; I had an emergency hysterectomy when I was fourteen. I was too young to care at the time to know exactly what that meant, to know that I'd never be able to have my own children, but I knew it was significant based on how all the adults would get the same look on their face whenever they found out. How they all would look down on me with what I now realize was pity. A look my parents never had on theirs, I might add. As I got older, I never felt sad about it; instead, my ring only ever glows violet with happiness when I think about it. I am not fit to be a mother, that I know without a doubt. I would never wish to bring another being into this awful world. A thought I wish my parents had had before forcing me into it. Although I often think they thought the same, but for different reasons.
I rest my cheek against Kyler's pillow as his weight presses into me, just this side of too heavy, so it's almost difficult to breathe. I don't mind, though, if anything, I almost wish I couldn't at all. "You come, baby?" I swallow, closing my eyes with the hum that I force past my lips in answer to his question. Of course, I didn't, I almost never do but telling him that would be pointless. He kisses the side of my head, and I feel my heart flutter at the contact, the need for those types of touches pulling my aching heart by its sad little strings. "Good."
He moves from me, and his warmth is immediately replaced by the cool breeze of the air conditioner sitting in the window, my skin pebbling under the direct contact. My eyes open just enough to track his dark form as he walks to the bathroom, and I stay lying on the bed until the door shuts behind him, watching the light flick on under the crack of the door. Ignoring the yellow swirling in my ring, I rise from the bed, using Kyler’s sheets to clean my legs. Reaching down, I grab my underwear off the floor and tug them on, quickly covering my skin with my discarded clothing before slipping my dirty, old converse onto my feet to build my armor back up before Kyler gets out of the bathroom.
The soft glow from the bathroom lights up his room as he comes out, now in a pair of black fitted briefs. He frowns at me as I grab my phone from his nightstand, the warm brown orbs settling on mine when I turn my face toward him. "You know you can stay."
He steps forward, his hand reaching out to touch my cheek, but I step to the side and watch it fall. I know I can stay. The needy, desperate part of me wants that; wants to let him hold me all night, but I don't want that. I don't want to need that. Kyler doesn't love me, he doesn't actually have any genuine feelings for me. He only calls me when his girlfriend is out of town and only acknowledges me when it's convenient for him. I allow myself to come here to fill that void, but I won't allow that weakness to take over. I already hate that I'm here, hate that I let him use me.
I step around him, my fingertips trailing along the wall as I put space between us. I can feel his gaze follow me in the dark as I walk across his small studio apartment, the soft sound of my feet sinking into his carpet the only noise. I look over my shoulder as I open the door, the security light from the complex hallway flooding into the space, "Tell Vickie hi for me."
He snorts at the mention of his girlfriend, shaking his head with an unamused smirk. He starts to speak, but I don't listen, shutting the door before he's even finished. It's late, maybe close to three AM, so I'm the only one on the street when I leave his apartment complex. Tucking my hands into the pocket on my hoodie, I step off of the sidewalk, choosing to walk through the dark park instead. I should stay on the lighted walkway, but I don't, stepping off into the grass and licking my lips as the warm summer night breeze blows my hood off of my head.
My feet pause in the grass momentarily, eyes falling on to a sleeping bag nestled against the outstretched branches of an overgrown bush. Not wanting to bother the poor man's sleep, I head the other direction. Seeing another person reminds me that I'm not alone, despite the stillness that fills the park at this hour. My thoughts wander to the recent news headline that I'd read just the other morning, the title inky and dark next to the blurry photo of a pretty blonde woman. Ella Rosenberg, the article had said, a junior at Rivercrest University that was majoring in economics and was a part-time ballet instructor at the local dance school. The Butterfly Killer snubbed her light out at a University party where she was murdered in her sorority bedroom, left with nothing but bloody sheets and a butterfly kiss. That's what the locals are calling the little paper butterflies that are left behind with every slain soul, anyway.
What a pretty name they've given something so ugly.
A hand wraps around my head, slapping over my mouth and stopping my forward progression as I suck in a surprised gasp. My heart pumps in my ears as his lips brush along my cheek in a familiar touch that does nothing but spur it to beat even harder against my ribs. "Got you."
Rhys's fingers dip between my lips as he pulls his hand away, pressing the tips into my teeth as they push into the soft flesh. I fight the urge to slip my tongue out and taste his fingertips, let their rough pads brush more than the inside of my lips. I may have left Kyler's house less than twenty minutes ago, but unlike him, Rhys is the forbidden fruit I crave. He terrifies me in a way I don't understand and makes me feel things that my mood ring doesn't show me. Around him, I forget everything I've grown to understand about myself and constantly find my eyes landing on my ring to tell me how I feel.
Right now, the dark pink and purple swirls glinting in the low light tells me I'm more than just happy to see him. He excites me. Makes me drunk with lust.
Rhys Elliot is everything that I'm not; everything I wish I was and also not. He's an enigma to me in the same aspect that I understand him completely. He has friends, real ones, who actually w
ant him around. He's not afraid to say what's on his mind or stand up for himself. He radiates an energy that everyone is drawn to, like moths to the soft blue haze of a bug zapper. But unlike the others, that's not what draws me. I crave to see the way his cornflower eyes burn when he gets angry. To see the shadow of his face when he lets his demons take the forefront. He holds his shadows close in his chest just like I do, fights the urge to let them loose. His ugly reminds me that I'm not the only one.
Yet despite the inky fingers gripping his ankles, Rhys can still radiate the light needed to illuminate the room. He can still smile so wide all you see is nothing but perfectly straight teeth. He has found a way to still be happy, and I find myself eyeing the green of my mood ring whenever his smile isn't directed my way. Much to the ache of my heart, it usually isn't.
Fingers falling from my face, he moves to stand in front of me, eyes so brilliantly blue they almost shine in the dark. He's not smiling as he crowds me, hand reaching out to grip the collar of my hoodie and tug me close. His knuckles dig into the soft skin under my chin as I look up at him, eyes blinking as his breath blows over my face. "What did I tell you about walking alone at night, Hadley?"
I swallow, and his knuckles press even deeper into my skin. While everyone else gets the kind boy with an apparent hard edge, I get nothing but stone. But I wouldn't want anything else. "Not to."
My simple answer tugs a smile onto the corner of his lips, tilting them toward the pale glow of the moon as he looks down at me. It disappears almost as quickly as it came, his hand twisting the fabric at my neck to tighten it in his fist. "You were with him again, weren't you?"
Although I couldn't be sure, I almost think it makes Rhys angry that I search out comfort from others and not him. We don't have that sort of relationship, him and I, but we could. We dance along a thin line between being friends and almost lovers. Neither one of us is willing to admit we have more similarities than differences. I'd like to think he's drawn to my dark in the same way that I'm drawn to his, that the strange bond we share is because of our demons, but I don't actually know. I know that he doesn't hang out with me if he has other options, yet he seeks me out every chance he gets. I imagine he's just as confused by us as I am, and I find that thought comforting in a weird way.
I don't know how long we stand there, staring at each other, but he doesn't seem bothered by the delay in my response. "Why do you ask when you already know the answer?" I tilt my face the slightest bit, eyes narrowing on him, "When are you going to admit you wait out here for me? That you're hoping to get his sloppy seconds." I'm only ever brave enough to speak so boldly around Rhys, never able to find the courage in situations I actually need it.
His eyes flit across my face instead of answering, that dark hiding behind the blue teasing me with just a small glimpse. I wish he didn't keep it bottled up like that; I want him to let it loose. I hate to admit that I try to get it out whenever I can, try to coax it out with my snotty quips and false anger.
I hiss as he jerks me up onto my toes, his teeth biting into my cheek, my toes scrunching in my sneakers as they scrape across my skin to tear into my bottom lip. It's hardly a kiss, the soft flesh of my lip bleeding and my face stinging as he shoves me backward, his fingers slipping from the fabric of my hoodie as I'm pushed away from him. The heel of my sneaker catches on the grass, and I almost fall, but he grabs my arm, fingers bruising through the sleeve of my hoodie. "You're so fucking clumsy, Hadley."
I jerk my arm from his grip, tongue swiping over my lip to wipe away the metallic sting. Rhys is cruel and rude, all wrapped up in a package so pretty that even angels would cry with jealousy at just one look at him. His back is to the glow of the moon, but I wouldn't need the small bit of light to know what the cut of his jaw looks like, how his hair is a bright peroxide blond that flops over his brow when he looks down at me. I'm fairly tall for a woman, but he's even taller, with shoulders wide enough to fill doorways. He's a beast trapped in a man's body, a horned devil stuck in the confines of a beautiful shell walking amongst humans.
"Are you walking me home or not?" My voice is loud in the dark, and my eyes flick to the sleeping man under the brush not far from us. I forgot he was even there; I hadn't made it very far from him when Rhys snuck up on me.
He shakes his head, strands of white blond hiding his eyes from me as he starts to step backward. "Not." He spins away, and I don't need my ring to know the smoke billowing around my lungs reeks of disappointment. "Oh, and Hadley?" He doesn't look back, his voice drifting over his shoulder as he keeps moving farther away from me, "Try not to get a butterfly kiss."
One breath in.
One out.
My feet lightly slap along the concrete in tune with my lungs, nostrils flaring when I push myself a fraction faster to keep pace with the ebony ponytail swinging ahead of me. Her dark head disappears beyond the bend in the path despite my quickening pace, and I bite my cheek, pushing myself to keep her in my sight.
I've been thinking about this for days; I'm not about to let her fly away now.
"Do you run here often?" Earbuds are pulled from her left ear as she tilts her face my way, eyes widening ever so slightly at my nearness. I lift my leg up onto the park bench and tighten my shoelaces as her perfectly whitened teeth flash.
"Did you say something? Sorry I didn't hear you." Her tongue darts out to wet her parted lips, eyes following my face as I stand and lower my foot from the bench. I don't miss the way she takes a slight step away from me.
"I just asked if you run here often, I'm new to the area, and I haven't had great success finding a new running spot."
I see the moment she relaxes, fingers unflexing from the scrunched fabric of her athletic top. "Oh yea, I run almost every morning. It's great here." She gestures to her left with her thumb, long black ponytail swinging over her shoulder with the movement. My eyes are drawn to the shiny strands, the inky black reminding me of the soft flap of butterfly wings as they blow in the gentle breeze. "This way ends on the east side of the park. It’s my favorite because of the trees."
I stretch my arm over my chest, raising a brow at her. "The trees?"
She smiles, a small laugh scrunching up her nose in a way that flutters in my gut. "Yea, the trees." Her lips pinch in another smile, a flirty flush marking her cheeks before she continues. "It's more secluded than the other side of the park; I don't feel like everyone is watching me."
I nod at her, giving her a smile of my own as I look past her and down the path. "I might have to get a look at these trees of yours." Pulling earbuds from my pockets, I put one in my ear, winking at her as I step around her. "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow?"
I had seen her the next day. And the day after. And often enough to know that she runs four days a week, although the days vary. I've been running for weeks, something I thought I'd never do, just to see her dark ponytail sway on the path ahead of me every morning. No matter what, though, she always runs on Thursday, and just like she said the first time we met, the east path is her favorite. She never runs any other way; she always takes five to eight minutes to stretch before she runs, always has Shakira blasting from her earbuds, and always shows up fifteen minutes before dawn.
Thanks to her, I've had "Hips don't lie" on a loop in my head every fucking day.
We don't talk much; a few sentences at most before we separately start our exercise. We haven't even exchanged names, but it's unnecessary. I’ve learned everything I needed in the time we didn't talk. It takes my Limenitis camilla, my little black and white butterfly, just over forty minutes to finish her run. The last ten minutes are always ran at a more leisurely pace than the rest. She takes her time winding through the heaviest growth of trees and bushes, watches the sun finish rising through their branches.
I'll admit it took me a few days to be able to look past the decorative slits in the leggings that fit over her long legs like a glove or the smooth curve of her slim waist. Even longer to keep my gaze off of the long, overgrown length of her
ebony hair. It shines and snaps when she runs and smells sweet and florally when it catches on the breeze. I know it'd look even more beautiful wrapped around my fist. It's my favorite part of my Limenitis camilla.
Although everything about her is almost perfection, I can't help but feel like she's missing something. She's beautiful but not flawless, and I know exactly what she needs.
The thought has me picking up my pace again, eyes lasering in on that glorious swaying hair when it comes back into view. She knows I'm here; I often run behind her, so my increased speed won't be alarming to her. The smack of my shoes on the path fills my ears as I press closer, the earbuds in my ears silent as always. I've never used them to listen to music, they're only there to give the illusion that I am, so my little butterfly feels comfortable enough to take her personal phone calls when I'm near and mumble her favorite song lyrics. She has no idea I'm privy to every conversation she's had during these last few weeks on her run, that I’ve heard every off-key song.
I'm close enough now that I can hear the faint thumping of her music through her earbuds, and if I strain to listen, every loud inhale and exhale that leaves her chest. Every step closer has my heart thumping more roughly against my ribs, has my lungs sucking in almost too much air. My fingers bite into my palms as I pump my arms, keeping them confined within my own clutch instead of straining to touch the silk of her hair. Being this close to her always makes me shake, makes my mouth water in anticipation.
