by Cindy Maddox
Juliann saw a muscle twitch beside his mouth. “No, you were not speeding. In fact, you were going five miles under the speed limit. But you were swerving a bit back there. Slow, erratic driving is often a sign of someone driving under the influence.”
Mish laughed. “Oh, that’s right, I did swerve a little back there. It was because of the dick pic.”
The officer’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”
“Some young man thought it was a good idea to send a photo of his Lil Chubby. So my granddaughter here just made some improvements to the picture and I had to see it before she sent it back.” Mish took the phone from Juliann’s hand and showed him the picture. “Now can’t you see why I swerved just a bit?”
The officer took one look at it and burst out laughing. Mish turned to Juliann and winked, and Juliann gave a weak smile in return.
“Ladies, I have to say I admire your spunk! Now, on a serious note.” He ducked his head to see Juliann better. “Miss, are you under eighteen? Because if an adult sent this to you, I can take this phone and charge him with sending pornography to a minor.”
“I’m afraid you can’t do that,” Mish said. “It’s my phone.”
He looked at her blankly. “Yours?” He shook his head. “Sorry. I assumed the latest model iPhone belonged to the teenager.”
Mish sat up straighter. “I wanted the smartest smartphone I could get, and the sales boy said this was it. I bought it so I can be hip!”
The officer laughed again. “Yes, ma’am, I can testify to the fact that you are hip.” He returned Mish’s license and registration, then tipped his hat and told them to drive safely. He was still shaking his head when he climbed back in his car.
Juliann laid her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, willing her stomach to stop churning. They didn’t know. She wasn’t in trouble. It was going to be okay. She was going to be okay.
And by this time tomorrow it would all be over.
Juliann lay in the dark staring at the ceiling, wondering if sleep would ever come. It was still early by her standards, but Mish said it was past her bedtime, so, of course, Juliann had gotten ready and turned off the lights. She stayed on Mish’s phone for a little while, but she didn’t want to risk using all Mish’s data plan.
She ran her hand over her belly, something she intentionally hadn’t done very often. She didn’t want to risk bonding with this intruder, as she had thought of it. But now that their brief relationship was almost over, it seemed safe. She thought her belly felt a little rounder. She wasn’t sure why—the embryo was only half an inch long. She had looked it up. It wasn’t even a fetus yet and didn’t even look human. No matter what the pro-lifers said, it wasn’t a baby. Not yet. She wasn’t ending a life. She was preventing one. She could live with that. She would have to because she didn’t have a choice.
She wished she had a choice about these pillows, though. They were all too poofy. She pulled one out from behind her head and put it with the others, then lay back without one. She already had enough of a headache without her neck being at the wrong angle. But at least the pain in her head took her attention away from the constant queasiness.
The nausea was another thing she looked up. Of course, she looked it all up. Learning was her way of dealing with the world. If she could understand it, she could cope. She had learned that morning sickness doesn’t happen only in the mornings. And different people react in different ways. She hadn’t actually thrown up that much, though she read that some people did. Still, she felt like she was constantly just a little bit nauseated, like she had motion sickness or something. Crackers seemed to help. So did coffee. But other strong smells were horrible. She couldn’t stand the smell of garlic or bananas.
Of course, it could all be in her head. Or it could be nerves. Maybe if she’d been happy about the pregnancy, if she had welcomed this little parasite inside her, she wouldn’t have felt nauseated all the time. The thought alone was enough to make her queasy. She let out a heavy sigh, then turned on her side and retrieved the pillow to try again.
“Can’t sleep?”
Juliann hadn’t realized Mish was still awake. “I’m sorry—am I bothering you?”
“No,” Mish assured her. “I often have trouble sleeping, especially in a new place. And these pillows are horrible. They’re all too poofy! Four pillows on the bed, and they couldn’t give us one skinny one?”
Juliann chuckled. “I thought the exact same thing.”
Mish paused for a moment, then said, “But it’s not the pillows keeping you awake, is it?”
Juliann shook her head, then remembered Mish couldn’t see her in the darkened room. “No,” she said.
“Nervous about tomorrow?”
“A little bit. I read all the info on their website. There are a couple different options, and I chose the one that sounded best. So I know what to expect…” Her voice trailed away.
“You know what to expect for your body. You don’t know what the rest of you will be feeling.”
They were silent for a few moments, while Juliann tried to figure out what she was feeling. She didn’t speak again until she had a full list. “Nervous, a little bit scared, embarrassed, eager, and soon-to-be-relieved. Oh, and stupid.”
“Why stupid?”
“For getting myself pregnant in the first place.”
“Well, I don’t think you did—get yourself pregnant, I mean. It’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure somebody else was involved.”
“Well, of course, but it’s not his fault.”
“And it’s yours? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Yes. I mean no.” She rolled back over to stare at the ceiling again. “I mean I should have known better. He’s not to blame.”
“I’m sorry, hon, but I gotta disagree with you. It takes two to tango, and it’s not fair for one to take the blame. Unless one forced the other, and that’s a whole nother thing entirely.”
“This is different,” Juliann insisted. “There are things I should’ve known. Things everybody knows. But I didn’t know and that was stupid. So yes, it’s my fault.”
“I don’t—”
“I know you don’t understand, okay?” she said, her voice rising. “You couldn’t possibly understand—nobody does—because nobody knows.”
“And is that the way you want it?”
“I—” She stopped herself, not sure how to answer. It was a good question. Did she really want to keep this story secret? Would it do any good to tell anybody? She’d have to say it out loud. It would be hard to find the right words and even harder to hear them. On the other hand, keeping it to herself wasn’t doing her much good anyway. Maybe it would loosen the band around her chest that she’d felt ever since that night. And if she could tell anyone, it was Mish.
“No. It’s not what I want,” she finally admitted, then took a deep, fortifying breath. “It happened at a party…”
9.
Juliann had been excited to be invited to the party. She considered herself socially awkward—had felt that way since she skipped third grade. She had friends, of course, but not a tight circle of them. Her friends came from scattered interactions—the French club, her AP classes, and of course the dance studio where she had taken lessons for years. But none of them hung out together. She was more on the fringe, and she often found out about parties after they happened—or even while they were happening—via social media. Naturally, it hurt her feelings not to be invited, but she understood. She wasn’t in the A group. She was in the B group or “backup” group of friends. And backup friends rarely get invited to parties.
But this one was different. She was friends with Shelby from French club, and she knew Shelby’s older brother Sean from her AP classes the previous year. So when Shelby and Sean threw a party together while their parents were away, her name made the cut. She had been depressed ever since her g
randma died, and a party sounded like a perfect antidote. She had chosen her outfit carefully, aiming for the casual cool that seemed so natural for other girls.
Sean had brought a couple of his college friends home with him, plus some other guys that graduated with him the previous year. A couple of the guys had a beer or two, but there wasn’t a lot of drinking, and Juliann was glad. She’d seen enough alcohol-fueled bad behavior at home.
She gravitated to the dance floor—which, of course, was just the living room with the furniture pushed to the edges, but the hardwood floors and large expanse of their open-concept house created a great place to dance. She was comfortable dancing, and she was good at it. Plus, it meant she didn’t have to make small talk, which she wasn’t good at, so it was a win-win, as her grandma would have said. Somehow—she wasn’t sure how it happened—she found herself dancing with Aiden. She knew him, of course, or at least knew of him. Everybody did. He was one of the stars at their high school the previous year. He was athletic and smart—and still not a jerk, which was pretty miraculous. Juliann was shocked that he was dancing with her, of all people.
When a song came on that neither of them liked, he led her to the couch, then went to get her a drink. As soon as he was gone, Shelby appeared. “I can’t believe you’re dancing with Aiden!”
“I know, right?” Juliann responded, grinning. “But now we’ve stopped dancing, and I don’t know what to say to him. Quick—give me a conversation topic!”
“If he’s like most guys, just ask him one question about football, and you’ll never have to say anything but ‘wow’ for the rest of the night!”
Juliann laughed, then shooed Shelby away as she saw Aiden winding his way back to her through the crowd. “So, what college do you go to?” she asked when he handed her a can of pop.
“WVU,” he said with a shrug. “I know it’s not exciting to go so close to home, but they have a good program in engineering, and money was a factor. In-state tuition is really low, plus they offered me good scholarships. I don’t want to graduate with a ton of student loan debt, and since my parents aren’t in a position to help much, it was an easy decision.”
Juliann was surprised. Most people in their school didn’t admit if their family didn’t have money. It didn’t really matter to Juliann who was rich and who wasn’t, but to some of the kids—especially the popular kids—what kind of car you drove was a pretty big issue. She gave Aiden extra points for his honesty.
“What about you? Where do you want to go?” he asked as he opened the bottle of beer he’d been holding.
“I’m not sure yet,” she admitted. “I want to go away. I know that much. I don’t want to consider anything within four hours.”
He tilted his head and frowned. “You don’t think you’ll get homesick?”
She let out a cynical laugh. “For my home? Not likely.”
“Well that sucks,” he replied.
“What does?”
He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “That you don’t have a home you’ll miss,” he said simply. “It probably sounds stupid, but I really miss my family when I’m at school. What’s so bad about your home that you want to get away?”
Suddenly Juliann was sorry she had chosen school as the topic of conversation. The talk was turning more personal than she’d anticipated. She tried to laugh it off. “Oh, you know, the usual. Demanding parents, too many rules.”
Aiden chuckled softly. “Oh, you’re a big rule-breaker, are you?”
“Juliann? A rule breaker? You can’t be serious!”
Juliann looked up to see Kirstin standing above them, one hand on her hip and the other playing with her large hoop earring. Kirstin was one of the most popular girls in their school, and Aiden seemed to be the only guy Kirstin wanted that she hadn’t gotten.
Kirstin leaned down between them, putting her boobs right at Aiden’s eye level, then flicked her hair so that Juliann had to lean back to keep from getting whacked in the face. “Juliann has probably never broken a rule in her life. She might break into hives at the very thought.”
Aiden leaned around Kirstin so that he could see Juliann better. “Hives, huh? Are they anywhere interesting?” And with a wink, he took her hand and led her back to the dance floor.
The rest of the evening they spent dancing or talking or both. Juliann was amazed at how much they had in common. They both enjoyed science and math, though he didn’t also love English the way Juliann did. They both were fans of Hamilton, the musical, even though neither one really loved hip-hop. He laughed at her jokes and looked at her as if she was the only one in the room. And she was equally unaware of their surroundings. When he suggested they go somewhere quieter, and took her hand and led her upstairs, she didn’t even consider saying no. It felt so natural, so right, and she felt alive for the first time in—well, as long as she could remember.
She was eager for his kiss, but he took his time. He drew her close, then bent his mouth to her ear. “No pressure,” he whispered. “We’ll only do as much as you want, okay?” Then he pulled back and looked into her eyes until she nodded.
When his lips touched hers, she stopped thinking, stopped feeling anything but his mouth against hers, his tongue, his hands. She had kissed boys before, but not like this. This was new. This was different. She needed more. She pulled his shirttail out of his pants but when she fumbled with the buttons, he stilled her shaking hands with his, then deftly removed his shirt and hers.
Skin. When she felt his skin against hers, it literally took her breath away. How could skin feel that amazing? She wanted to feel, to smell, to taste. He lowered her to the bed. She lost track of time, lost track of anything and everything but him and her and how amazing he made her feel. She was barely aware of him removing the rest of her clothes, but she obviously chose it. She wanted it. At one point he stopped and leaned over the side of the bed, and when she heard the rustling of his clothes, she was afraid he was leaving. She clutched at his arm, but he was back in an instant, something in his hand. A few seconds later he had transferred it to her hand, and she looked down long enough to realize it was a condom. But in the moment, she didn’t know why he’d given it to her and didn’t want to stop to ask. She let it drop on the bed and pulled his mouth back to hers.
Her body was hot and cold, aching and comforted, alive in ways she had never known or imagined. When he pulled away a second time, asking her if she wanted to stop, she tried to pull him back to her again, but he resisted. “Stop and think,” he said. “Be sure.”
She forced herself to do what she always did. She thought through the reasons, the pros and cons, but none of them made sense. Her mother had warned her against sex because it had consequences. Her father had warned her against sex because no daughter of his would be a slut. Even her grandmother had warned her against sex because it was a sin. But nobody had told her how it felt. Nobody had told her that it would feel so damn good that she wouldn’t want to stop.
Everybody had told her it was wrong. Nobody had told her it was good. And it was so good and real, and she was alive and aching and the ache was the center of her universe. And so she said she didn’t want to stop. She spoke truth. And it was hers to speak.
***
She didn’t tell Mish all the details, of course. But there, in the dark, in a hotel room in Washington, DC, she finally admitted to someone the worst part of it all. She hadn’t known it would feel like that. She hadn’t realized that a body could come alive—especially a body still grieving death.
Mish had been silent throughout the story, but when Juliann ran out of words, she finally spoke. “So that’s what you’re embarrassed about? That you didn’t know it felt good?”
“It’s stupid!” Juliann exclaimed. “Everybody knows sex feels good—that’s kind of the whole point and why people want to do it. So how did I not know that?”
“Oh, hon, it was
n’t that you didn’t know sex could feel good. It’s that you didn’t know you could feel that good. Because nobody ever made you feel it before. And I’m guessing you haven’t seen a whole lot of good expressions of love in your own house. Of course you was surprised. Plus, you was still grieving the loss of your grandma. You was still missing her arm around your shoulder or her fingers in your hair or whatever it was that she did to show you she loved you. There’s only one thing that surprises me in your story, and it ain’t that.”
“Then what—?”
“I’m just surprised a young man his age was so good at it! I mean, most young bucks don’t think about what feels good to the girl, just themselves. At least that’s my experience.”
“Well, that sucks!” Juliann said, smiling as she realized she was repeating what Aiden had said to her about her family.
“That it did,” Mish admitted. “It took me a while to convince Floyd that I’d be a more eager participant if he made it worth my time! So what happened to this fella of yours? Are you dating now? Is he okay with your decision?”
“No, we’re not dating. Not anymore.”
“But why?” Mish asked. “He sounds wonderful!”
“He was,” Juliann admitted. “He is. But once I realized I was pregnant, I had no choice.”
“No choice? Of course you had a choice!”
“No, I didn’t,” Juliann argued. “He might think he was supposed to marry me or something stupid like that. I was not going to be the girl who made him come home from college and give up his dreams.”
Mish was quiet for a minute. Finally, she whispered, “I don’t think that’s the only reason. It’s just not big enough to explain breaking up with someone you care about.”
Juliann waited a minute before responding. She was glad it was still dark in the room. “I couldn’t take the chance that he would try to make me keep it,” she whispered back. “That was not an option.”
“Not an option,” Mish repeated. “Because of your dad?”
Juliann wiped a tear from her eye. “Everything is always because of my dad,” she sniffed. “But we’re almost done. Everything will be fine in a few hours.”
