by R. J. Blain
“You like when I’m honest. It’s sad. When this happens to a child, doors open, people step up, and help is a phone call away. When it happens to an adult, the adult is expected to magically keep going as though nothing has changed when everything has changed. They’re expecting you to be, well, you. You’re not you anymore, and you probably don’t have a clue who in hell you are anymore. You don’t know if you can trust any of them, and when you see Pauline, all you can probably think about is your ma. They don’t see it, but I do. And because Jake has such a fundamentally close relationship with his mother, walls have been erected you’re in no condition to handle. Then there’s the issue of their pack. They’ve forgotten foxes are just as social as wolves. I tried to tell them. I truly tried.” Mellisa sat beside the bed, stretched her legs out, and sighed. “I’ve got all the time you need. I’d say all day, but this is going to take a lot more than a day to sort out, and I think we both know it. Where would you like to begin?”
“I just want to be done with it, Mellisa.”
“Define ‘it’ for me.”
Maybe if I said the words, I could cut the infection out and have some chance to take a step forward in any direction. “Jake. His pack. His family. His life. Amelia will suit him.”
“You’ve already given up.”
“It didn’t take them long to accept her.”
“No, it didn’t.”
“And he likes her.”
“He does like her, but not in the way you likely believe.”
“I spent all last night thinking it’d be nice to just become a fox, jump out the window, and leave. Maybe find some place to claim as a territory, and just go day to day. Be done with it.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“It was too much work,” I confessed.
“What do you think becoming a fox and running away would accomplish?”
“Absolutely nothing, but it would be better than this.”
Anything would be better than the nothing I currently had.
“Of all of my patients, you are one of my favorites. Why? No matter how bad things get, you remain honest. You don’t try to sugarcoat anything for me. You don’t even try to hide what you’re thinking. You’re an open book, and you’re an open book by choice. I’ve seen you bottle things like the best of them. But when we’re talking, you lay it all out. You have no fear of me.”
I shrugged. “It seems pointless to waste your time. You’re here to help, and you can’t help if I don’t talk to you.”
“Pauline and Sebastian will always put their pack first, and their pack doesn’t understand why a fox would want to be in the pack bonds with wolves. When you first came to them, you were absolutely terrified of them. Every last one of your instincts warned you away from wolves, yet you persisted. You wanted—and you still want—what they have. Foxes are pack animals, just like them. A pack of wolves is better than being alone. Am I correct?”
“I’m tired of being alone.”
“Amelia was an unclaimed bitch. She was brought into the pack the instant the Alphas discovered she was without a pack. No question. And you hate it, don’t you?”
“I hate she can have what I can’t, but I don’t hate her for having it.”
“You wouldn’t even hate her if she took Jake away from you.”
Amelia didn’t want Jake, but I could see Jake’s parents trying to push them together. “He’s already gone. I left him. I looked at her, and well, she’s pretty much perfect for Jake. I’m not blind or stupid.” He’d been gone from before I’d walked out the door, we just hadn’t put the sham of our relationship to rest yet. “He is no different from his parents. He will always put his pack first.”
“What makes you think that?”
Without looking away from the window, I waved my hand to take in the room. “He isn’t here.”
“You’re right. He isn’t here. Where do you think he is?”
“Probably talking with Amelia.”
“And if I told you your assumption is correct?”
“We were already falling apart, Mellisa. No, we were already over. I told him that to his face. I asked for something he couldn’t give me, and I wouldn’t budge on it. He can’t or won’t change his mind on it. We’re married, but we’re not partners anymore. We haven’t been for a while. I will file for divorce once I’m out of here, I guess.”
My fox’s grief smothered me, but what else could I do?
I didn’t want to live a lie forever.
“I thought things had been going well before your return to the United States. What changed?”
“I wanted what he has with his pack.”
“And because you’re you, you tried to earn it, becoming frustrated when it wasn’t a matter of earning it, but rather their culture just doesn’t allow it. Some packs out west will bring Normals into their pack, but they’re few and far between. It’s becoming more popular out west, though. From your file, I had assumed you were a lone wolf, figuratively speaking, of course. I’ve since figured out I was wrong. Your family was your pack. But then your family turned on you, so you have no one.”
A numbing cold settled through me. “Yes.”
“Jake has stayed away for several reasons. First, his parents thought it would be wise to keep from further agitating the pack. Second, he has been involved with questioning Amelia. Third, he’s been preparing divorce papers. Once again, at his parents’ suggestion. I was not invited to offer commentary on this decision. And since Pauline hasn’t seen fit to tell you, I’m telling you. And no, your assumption isn’t correct. He won’t cheat on you. That’s not the Fenerec way. He’ll discover on his own that no matter how much he sees you in her, she’ll never be you. Once he stops fighting himself—and his wolf—he’ll figure out the mistakes he is making. I’m of the opinion the only reason he’s spending time with Amelia is because she was with you when he wasn’t, and that makes her valuable to him. I’m of the opinion he is only doing the preparations for divorce papers to make his mother happy and has no intention of following through with them. But the fact he is doing this to please his mother is a severe issue, one I need time to address assuming I’m given the opportunity. That sort of manipulation is not unheard of within packs, and it is destroying you both. Right now, my job is to try to save you. Once I’m done saving you, then I can worry about saving Jake. Jake’s at no real risk of actual death. You are. He’ll just be miserable for a while, and he can live with that. You need a hell of a lot more help to keep going, so, it’s my job to make sure you get that help.”
The chill intensified. “Why did it turn out this way?”
“You’re not like Normals or Fenerec-born, that’s why. They don’t have an integral need to be within the pack. They don’t understand what it means to be in a pack. You do. You need a pack’s stability as much as any Fenerec. I can’t give you what you really need, and unless they get out of their old, set ways, no one here can. For that, I’m sorry. They aren’t listening to me. They aren’t listening to anything other than their customs and traditions. There may be a chance for me to call someone out west to come take care of you, however, and bring you into a pack there so you and your fox have company, but this would be hard for you, as your fox would want to be near your mate, and by extension, your mate’s pack. I’ll work on it as I can. Alternatively, should the Washington pack accept you into the fold, I may make arrangements for you to be taken and essentially held hostage until the pack gets its act together. That display would be to prove they genuinely want you, and I feel it would be wise. At a minimum, should the pack fail to do as needed, a new pack will adopt you.”
I had a hard time believing any pack would want me and my fox. “What do you think I should do?”
“I think you’re up a shit creek without a paddle or a boat. I think there’s a bunch of ignorant puppies who think they know what you need better than you do. I think you might be right. Anywhere might be better than here, and if you have paws instead of hands and can’t si
gn any papers your mate is unwillingly filling out because of unfair pressure on him, that would buy me some time to fix the main problems. I’ll tell a few lies here and there to impress upon the ignorant puppies the errors of their ways.”
“Why would Pauline say they were trying to arrange for me to return to work?”
“Because Pauline lives in a delusional fantasy world where she thinks a divorce between you wouldn’t change your drive to be in the FBI and CARD, and that everything will just magically have a happily ever after. Pauline’s an idiot sometimes. Sebastian’s figured out there won’t be a magical happily ever after, but because Pauline wants one, he does as his mate desires, hoping for the impossible. Jake’s caught in the middle of it, but he believes you’d keep running for the same goal as always, not realizing your goal has changed because your circumstances have changed. I believe she fully intends on making it possible for you to return to CARD.”
I sighed.
“The question is, will you want to? You worked your entire life to join CARD because of your parents. Your ma killed your pa, and she tried to kill you, too. That your ma is dead, too? That’s a story that won’t ever have a happy ending. Every time you think about CARD and why you were so driven to join it, you will remember. You’re not ready to face that sort of burden. I wouldn’t authorize your return to duty in CARD, no matter how much paperwork Pauline and Sebastian do to pave the way for you to pick up where you left off. I might authorize a return to the violent crimes division, but you’d be best in an interior role until you’ve stabilized. I know interior roles are against your nature, but you need the time to prepare yourself. You’ve survived through a worst-case scenario, but you’re an adult. The first time a similar case comes up, it will hit you hard.”
I nodded.
“So, here’s what I’m going to suggest. I’m going to suggest that when the sun goes down, right after the start of the evening shift, you become a fox, and you leave out the window that will be conveniently left open for you. Pick a direction, find the wildest place you can, claim a territory, and just be for a while. Hunt, sleep, hunt some more, and roam the forests. Forget as much as you can for however long you can.” Mellisa sighed, giving a slow shake of her head. “It will be risky, because if you’re like a wolf, there’s a high chance you’ll degrade to an animal and never be able to become a human again. But that might be what’s best for you. I just want you to go in understanding that is a possible reality. You’ll be happier that way, and that’s what I care about right now. You deserve a chance to be something other than miserable, and that’s the only thing I can offer you. I can tell you this much; your husband doesn’t want to lose you, but he’s been convinced he has no other choice. It is a symptom of pack life, and it’s not something I can easily undo. For your sake, I will try.”
I considered her words, searched for a light at the end of the tunnel, and found nothing but darkness. “That makes it sound like you just want me to give up.”
“In a way, you’re right. All staying here will do is fester already infected wounds. Your depression will intensify. Your resentment will grow. You’ll get a divorce, and you’ll regret it. You’ll watch Jake struggle from the sidelines, trying to chase after something he will never find with anyone else, too blind and stupid to realize what he had and let go of because he loves his parents and wants them to be proud of him. Your depression will continue to intensify until there’s nothing left. Maybe you’ll go for a swim until you’re too tired to keep on swimming. Maybe you’ll find a gun. Maybe you’ll take pills. But that’s how that story ends. I’ve seen it too many times. My job is to help you get better, and you’re not going to get better here. That’s not who you are. With everyone except me, you’ll bottle it, and you’ll pretend everything is all right. You’ll go to work. When I don’t authorize you to return to CARD, they’ll bring in someone who will.”
I could easily see Pauline and Sebastian doing just that, so I nodded.
“And you’ll understand that the instant your new psychologist walks through the door. It’ll be someone you can’t trust, so you won’t, so you’ll keep bottling it. You’ll pass the evaluations because you know exactly how to manipulate the system when you need to.”
Once again, I nodded.
“Maybe one day you’ll be in the line of duty and just decide you’re tired and stop watching your back. Maybe you’ll see an opportunity to do something good and end up biting a bullet, not caring if you don’t get back up again. Right now, it could go so many different ways, and I don’t want to see that. I’d rather lose the battle right now, leave the window open for you, and give you a fighting chance to win the war later.”
“A fighting chance for what? Won’t I just become a fox?”
“Maybe, maybe not. If you were a Fenerec, I’d say yes, but you’re not.”
One truth rose above the others. “I was born the wrong species.”
Everything would have been easier had I been a human or a Fenerec, not whatever I was.
“No, you were born exactly the species you should be. It’s not your fault no one else realizes that. The nightly rounds for your room are on three hour intervals. They have you on watch, but not a close one. I’ll tell them you seem stable so they lower their guard. So, once you leave, you’ll have that long to get away before anyone notices. Eat your lunch, eat your dinner, and pretend everything is okay. You might even be left the entire evening after I speak to the doctors and nurses on the floor. After nightfall, wait ten minutes after the nurse leaves, then go.”
“What will you tell them?”
“Me? You mean when you’ve abandoned ship? I won’t tell them anything at all. I’ll act very, very surprised. Then I’ll point out it doesn’t matter if you’re alive or dead. It’s not like they wanted you anyway. If they had, they would have treasured you instead of discarding you. I’ll inevitably piss them all off, and we’ll have a spectacular fight over it. I’ll spin a pretty tale or two about how it was inevitable, and how I should have been on a better guard against it. I’ll lament how I should have realized you would be even more fragile when your own husband wouldn’t visit you, choosing to be with another woman instead—one the appropriate species. Then I’ll suggest that they just wanted you out of the way, so why would they care if you ran wild and just disappeared? It’ll be a terrible thing of me to do, made even worse by the fact I’ll enjoy it. They’ll probably ship me out west or to London for a while as punishment, and I’ll like it.”
“You’re making an assumption,” I pointed out.
“What’s that?”
“You think they’ll care.”
“Yes, I do.”
“If they cared, there wouldn’t be divorce papers in the works. They don’t. Try if you feel you must, but don’t expect anything from them. Once I’m out of the picture, they’ll have the perfect bitch in Amelia, I’m certain.”
“Maybe she’s the perfect bitch, but she’s not you, Karma. Jake will never forget that. I recommend you never forget that, either. And this may not help right now, but in the future, consider this: Jake is being just as hurt as you are, and he’s woefully aware of the truth of your circumstances. Your ma turned on you. He’s afraid his will turn on him for the crime of daring to love you rather than a proper bitch. Right now, I know that doesn’t matter all that much, but once Jake breaks free of the manipulation, I think you’ll find the only future he wants is one with you in it. It’ll ultimately be your decision if you want a future with him in it.”
Did I?
I couldn’t even dare to hope for one.
Mellisa smiled. “My recommendation? Make him beg for forgiveness—and make him prove just how badly he wants you back in his life. Most importantly, give yourself time to figure out what you truly want. In any case, you’ll need real therapy eventually, but I recognize when I’m fighting a battle I can’t win—and you can’t win your battle here or now. And I want you to win. If nothing else, please remember that. I will always want you
to win. If you need me, call, and I’ll come as soon as I can. And if you don’t call and they screw everything up, I’ll take steps to show up anyway.”
I did as Mellisa suggested, choking down lunch and dinner despite an utter lack of desire to eat a thing. Francesca seemed happy with me, and when her shift ended near dusk, she offered a smile and told me she’d see me in the morning.
My smile was a lie of the worst sort.
A little after ten at night, I pulled the catheter out of my arm and hunted for the fox lurking beneath my skin. It didn’t take long to shift, and I stood on my hind legs and pawed at the screen until I hooked a claw in it and pulled it out. It fell on my head, and I eased it to the ground before jumping my way to freedom.
My body hurt, lingering reminders of my healing gunshot wounds.
I headed across the lawn to the street, which wasn’t busy despite being the early evening. On the other side, trees waited. I crossed, and I ran for the safety of the forest. It didn’t take long for me to discover it was a park. Chittering my annoyance, I picked a direction and ran.
Hopefully, if anyone did spot me, they’d think I was someone’s lost, over-sized dog—or a misplaced coyote. Maybe someone would mistake me for a wolf. I didn’t care.
Within three hours, the nurses would discover I was gone. Maybe the Thomas family didn’t actually want me, but I suspected they would hunt for me anyway. Without me, the divorce papers wouldn’t get signed, which wouldn’t fit well with their plans, whatever they were. Those plans probably involved Jake pursuing Amelia.
It hurt just thinking about Jake, a betrayal that cut so deep I doubted the wound would ever stop bleeding. No number of miles would change that fact.
In retrospect, I understood where I had gone wrong, asking for more than he could give me and refusing to back down. But, he had promised a life with me—one where we would be partners in all things.
He hadn’t wanted me in his pack. I still had no idea who he’d been spending his time with, but it hadn’t been me. I hadn’t been right, either, but the truth remained. I needed what he couldn’t—what no one—could give me.
