by Jamie Knight
“Really? You are here, aren’t you?”
Then she flung an envelope at me.
“This came today. It’s a summons for the custody hearing. I’m glad you called me as a witness, because I don’t think Kylie should be with you. You are a pathetic excuse for a father.”
“Get out. Get out of my house.”
“Make me. You can’t tell me what to do. I’m here at this house more than you are! I’m the one always caring for your daughter.”
“Are you on the mortgage? You are not. Get out now before I agree with you that it’s like you live here and call the cops and allege domestic abuse. Try me. Kylie will certainly back me up. You were yelling at me for no reason as soon as I walked in the door and you threw a plate at me!”
She was glaring at me. I was already wondering if I could ask my lawyer to take Sasha off the witness list and put Olivia on instead. Earlier, when at the open house, I had brought it up to Olivia because I had thought of that possible plan just then. I only hoped it would work.
“And before you decide that wouldn’t be a threat, because I know you have slept with every cop on the force, don’t forget that I am still a football hero to them,” I told Sasha. “Most of those guys played with me on the high school team. So, I’d think really carefully about ignoring me and not leaving. I think you are a bad influence on me, on Kylie, all of it. I want my space. I don’t need a nanny right now. I want to spend time with Kylie myself. It’s been long enough that I have put everything else other than Kylie first. I am done.”
Sasha was so mad, I could see her heart beating under her shirt. But for once I didn’t care. In fact, it was like for once I could truly see just how selfish Sasha was – all the time, not just on this specific afternoon. I was not going to give into her now like I had always done in the past.
“We were supposed to end up together!” she exploded, finally revealing her true motive. “I was going to help you get your football career back and we’d be living the high life. Kylie could reunite with her mother and we’d have all the time we wanted to travel and shop and be a couple together.”
“You are certifiably crazy,” I told her. “I don’t know where you get these fantasies. But this nanny job of yours is over. I want you out. Now.”
She finally left, which made me glad because I didn’t really want to have to call the cops. I told myself to change the locks as soon as I had a chance. This girl was definitely crazy. I couldn’t believe all the motivations she had just confessed to behind being Kylie’s nanny, but it all made a lot more sense now.
The next morning, as I was looking around the house, I saw that Sasha had left some of her stuff here. I wasn’t sure if it was an accident, because she was here so often and probably didn’t remember in the heat of the moment to gather all her things, or on purpose, to have an excuse to come back.
I wanted to make sure she was gone for good. Also, I wasn’t sure how things would turn out with the court hearing, so I wanted to stay on Sasha’s good side as much as possible, even though she had been horrible.
I began to realize the reality of having Kylie under my care all the time, with no nanny. I had no choice, though, and I believed I could do it. I had no excuse not to, really. It wasn’t like I was busy playing ball. And at least I had my dad and Sandra to help me, for which I was very grateful.
I called a moving company and asked them to come get a few boxes of things that someone had left here and to deliver the belongings to a penthouse at the most exclusive hotel in town. After it was all securely done, I texted Sasha.
You left some things here, but don’t come back.
I have set you up at The Georgian Hotel, 32nd floor.
I have paid for a month. After that, you are on your own.
Thank you for your nanny services. As discussed yesterday, they are no longer needed. Especially after you displayed a temper against me and stated that you wanted us to be together, without Kylie in my life.
I put that part in there to cover my ass in the court hearing – just in case she did show up and try to say bad things about me. At least I would have some evidence that she might have a secret motivation about that.
She texted me back and truly, it wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated it might be.
You will fucking pay for this, Marvin. How dare you move all my things without asking? I am so going to destroy you.
I texted my response quickly.
Line up. There’s a list of people in front you. Good luck with that.
I couldn’t help myself. I had to get a dig in. Maybe that last text was unnecessary and for that I wasn’t exceptionally proud. But otherwise I was feeling really confident about my decision.
She shouldn’t have been nannying for me as long as she had. I had known for some time I should get rid of her, but I was ignoring the advice of my dad and Greg, just to tiptoe around her and having someone to take care of Kylie.
Perhaps I had wanted a female influence in Kylie’s life that badly – but Sasha wasn’t a good influence on anyone.
Maybe I would never have another Olivia. That was a fact I was ready and willing to face. Truly, there probably weren’t many out there like Olivia.
But to try to keep a bad nanny on staff just so that Kylie would have a mother figure was ridiculous. I was glad I was no longer doing it.
I felt like I had lifted twenty pounds of football padding off me.
Freedom – so that’s what it feels like.
That day was the first of many where I would take Kylie to school and pick her up. I wanted to make sure that I was more involved in her life, not because of the case, but because I was becoming the man I had always hoped I could be.
And, honestly, I was starting to absolutely enjoy the routine. True, I missed football, practice, games, being on the road, all of it, but this was nice.
One day, I decided to do something crazy. I picked up my cell phone and dialed.
“Hey, Pops. How are you? Yeah, yeah, how much did you plant? Oh well, that should restore your rose-garden soon, right? Dad, I actually called to say… Well, this parenting thing, it is hard. It’s hard, Dad. Maybe I didn’t give you enough credit or something.”
I could hear him breathing on the other end, just taking in these words. Probably words that he’d been hoping to hear for years.
“Also, hey thanks for uh, giving me a hand during all the times that I sort of dropped the ball. No, I know. I know, I am not rehashing but I realized some things and ya know when a game is fair, it goes to the rival. And I play by those rules. You were right, dad. I just didn’t see it. I also fired Sasha – neither here nor there – totally different topic. But yes, I sent her off. She’s no longer Kylie’s nanny.”
Finally, my dad spoke.
“Listen, don’t you worry. Don’t worry about any of it. You are doing right by your kid and that’s all any of us wanted. I am sorry about Sasha, son, I know she’s been nannying for Kylie for a while now, but look, you gotta aim a little higher when it comes to caretakers anyway.”
He was right. And he was being so nice about it for once that it was impossible to be mad at him for being right. I guess it really was possible for people to learn and change and grow – and even the ones you never thought would be able to.
Perhaps there was hope even for Candy yet, I thought. And maybe even for Sasha, although I didn’t want to be anywhere around her to find out whether that was true or not.
“You have new dreams, new goals and standards for your life, for Kylie. Sasha wasn’t the best nanny out there. You need the best in everything you do. You understand?”
“Yes, Dad. Thanks for looking out for me. I appreciate it.”
“So, you just hang in there. You did right. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but we’ll be here for you and you’ll make it work. You always did do the right thing, in the end. I’m proud of you, son. And I’m sorry, for not doing enough back then, but I’ll always do what I can now.”
I fel
t my knees kick out. I almost never heard that kind of thing coming out of his mouth, at least not when it came to real life. I could barely respond but I did.
“Thank you, Dad. Thanks. I love you.”
“You bet, son. Hey son, don’t look back now. The past is over. It’s done. Sure, you have a lot to make up for from the past. But just you wanting to be there for Kylie and spending time with her, well, that’s marvelous. You are a good man.”
I knew what he meant about not looking back but I couldn’t get rid of the gulp in my throat, so I stayed silent. My sense was that my dad also said nothing because he felt bad that he couldn’t change the past with me either.
So, we both sat silently on the phone taking in the moment. Not a one of us said anything until finally…
“Well, I should get back to my roses,” Dad said. “Good work, Marvin. You done good.”
And we ended it there. I knew it was one of the most important conversations I would ever have with my father. It was the moment when we met in the middle. Where each of us could step into the other’s shoes.
He understood me as a son and I understood what he went through as a father. It was fucking deep. I held the phone and sat there for a moment, as I didn’t want to move forward quite yet.
It all needed to sink in. I was alone. I had no football, no girl by my side, no prospects. It had all ended.
But I had Kylie and for the first time in a very long time I had my dignity. It felt like the first time Olivia had said she loved me. It was that rich. I felt like a king.
It was like I had everything I’d ever needed. There was no roaring crowd, no press junkets or expensive game suites, no Olivia to fuck after the win, none of it, no glory. But it was so rich.
I closed my eyes and smiled at the way life, when it hands you crazy things, hands you this other thing you never expected. I never thought I would know Olivia again. Yet there she was, teaching my beautiful little girl and setting me straight again.
She always said I caused her such drama. And for that, in my eyes, I thought I didn’t measure up.
I could never be good enough for her. Because for me, she always made me feel safe, loved and like I was the only man in the world. She chose me and while I could not figure it out, in the first months anyway, it was like being swept away on a great adventure on which I was lucky enough to go on.
I sat there taking it all in. I could see the keyhole in her cream blouse, draped over her petite but curvy frame.
In the moment, as I escaped the Sasha drama, the Kylie tantrums and the court subpoenas, as I was far removed from the suspension and the jeers of haters in the crowd, I was transported to the one time we went to a park that all us kids back in day used to call Baked Bay Park – because most people just went there to toke up.
But we were different. Everything with us always seemed so special – a trip to ice cream, time at the rink, walks home.
It always felt like we were the only people there. And this one time at Baked Bay Park, we were looking at the stars.
It was such a clear night. I had just won the homecoming game at Thanksgiving. If I didn’t already feel like a local hero, I had Olivia by my side to remind me.
She looked up at the stars and said, “What should we call that one?”
“What one?” I asked and looked up.
“That one.”
It looked a like a super bright nova and it had a tail.
“Oscar,” I said.
She laughed that super sweet laugh that sounded half little girl and half woman. She still laughed the same way now.
“Oscar? Um, that’s not so romantic.”
“Well, I was thinking Oscar because it looks like a puppy. Maybe like a golden retriever— you know how they have a little tail that goes back and forth. And I always wanted two kids and a puppy named Oscar.
“Oh.” She breathed in and out. “Well, that’s sort of nice. Okay, so then, Oscar—”
“Wait, I’m not finished.”
“Huh?”
“I always wanted two kids and a puppy named Oscar and a wife, like you.”
It wasn’t exactly a proposal. Neither of us took it that way, but I remember feeling so in love. So happy while dreaming of our future.
As Olivia looked at me, her big eyes danced and filled up a little while she looked into mine and she kissed me in a way she never had. Deep and full and long. It was the most connection I had ever felt with another human being.
It was kind of sad now, looking back, that it was the last time I would feel that connected to someone and I was in high school. But it was. It was the most absolutely whole I had ever felt in the arms of a woman up until that point and since.
I let myself sink into the moment. I could smell her musk again. It was so nice. Thinking of her was like being wrapped in the biggest fucking hug.
How was I going to navigate this resurgence of love I had for her? I was really hoping in some ways that it stayed but in other ways, I yearned for it to dissipate.
It was an itch I could never scratch. Then I wondered if she remembered Oscar too, and did she have those moments now, that she looked back and thought about the time I nearly kind of proposed to her?
Fuck.
I had wasted that opportunity with her, and I could never get it back.
Could I?
Chapter 29
Olivia
I was far from ready for my meeting with Candy. However, I had promised myself that it mattered that much to do this right. Court was in a few weeks and I simply didn’t feel qualified or comfortable commenting without knowing her role in all of it.
Certainly, her absence in Kylie’s life said so much. But I also knew Marvin. He could be quite intimidating when pushed and since she did have some vulnerability and addiction issues, I doubt he was very respectful to her, whether she deserved it or not. So, this was my attempt at being a very informed educator.
As I drove into the mall parking lot – we decided to meet at a coffee shop as I thought neutral ground was probably important – it occurred to me that I had already made mistake number one. As a mandated reporter, I probably should have met her in the home to see the way she was living.
That would have most definitely informed my testimony. But it was too late now. That ship had sailed.
I had butterflies in my stomach as I exited my car and clicked my key to lock it. It wasn’t clear to me why I was so nervous, but I thought maybe I was in over my head.
Or maybe I was anxious because I thought she was going to be incredible, sober, clear eyed, wanting the best for Kylie and then what – what would I say to the judge? Would I blow the case for Marvin?
I was almost turning around, heading straight back toward the car when I saw this fidgety woman through the coffee shop window. She was looking at her watch.
Even though I was early and could probably still text with the excuse that I had a personal emergency, I’d feel terrible if that was her and she was already waiting. So, I turned back around and swung the door open.
As soon as I saw her face, I knew this woman had to be Candy. She was pretty, if not a bit thin and disheveled. But something about her was so sad, sad the way a mother might be who has lost her child.
“Candy?”
“Yes.”
“Hi, I’m Kylie’s teacher, Olivia.” I extended my hand and she shook it. “Thank you for meeting me. Can I get you anything?”
“Yes, that would be nice. An iced coffee, please.”
“Sure.”
I walked up to the cashier and pulled out my credit card. My palm was sweaty. I ordered coffee for the both of us, trying to simultaneously organize the thoughts in my brain, but to no avail.
As soon as I sat down I felt uneasy.
“So, Candy, uh, thank you so much for meeting me. Kylie is such a joy in class. We’ve missed you at the last couple of meetings, but I’ll fill you in. She has moved on from macaroni puppet projects to family portraits. You’ll be happy to know you ar
e just beautiful in her rendition, in case you haven’t seen it.”
Candy laughed at my hyperbole.
“No, seriously though, she is a good little artist. And her tantrums, which I believe I have left you a few messages about—”
“What is this about, Ms. Olivia?” she interrupted me. “Can you get to the point?”
I was surprised at her blunt desire to not want to hear about what her daughter was doing in class. I couldn’t say I hadn’t met worse parents of my students, but, this one was pretty brazenly bad, right off the bat.
“Um, yes, so sorry,” I continued, trying to gather my wits about me after that unexpected turn of events in the conversation I had planned. “I uh – yeah, I just wanted to meet with you and, you know, get a sense—
“Of what? If I’m fit? Is that what is this about?” she demanded.
I kind of felt for her, knowing that everyone was judging her and preparing to say bad things about her on the stand. But it was part of the job and at least I was talking to her before forming my opinion.
“Well, I assure you, Candy, there is no need to get defensive,” I told her. “We are on the same page here. It’s about Kylie.”
“Really, are we on the same page? It seems to me that you’re here just to help Marvin take Kylie away from me.”
“I’m sorry?”
My head was scrambled. Did she know that Marvin and I had been a thing, back in the day? Was she accusing me of something personal? Or did she just feel as though I was automatically on his side because I had spoken with him and not her? It wasn’t as if that was my fault.
“I’m sorry, Candy, let’s maybe start over,” I suggested.
“No,” she spat back. “I think it’s time to end things instead of start them again. You have come and seen for yourself. And it’s not as if you hadn’t already had your mind made up. I couldn’t do anything to change it if I tried. But, let’s hear what you have to say, instead of just having this be a grand inquisition against me. Am I fit enough for you?”
She kept wiping the top of her nose like she had to, like it was a tick. It was striking me as quite odd.
