by Rachel Dove
‘He knows why you did it. I understand too, though I don’t like it. I also hate the thought that you were with someone else, even if he was imaginary. Was there really never a guy?’
The look of relief on his face when she shook her head made her stomach flip.
Don’t start this game, missy. There’s too much at stake to let him play with your emotions. You can bet the farm that he didn’t spend his nights in bed, pining alone for the other half of himself.
‘I won’t ask the same about you,’ she countered.
Another flex of the jaw from him.
‘I had other things on my mind for a long time,’ was all he gave her. ‘And then I was busy with work. I went on a couple of dates, but it never came to anything. I wasn’t looking. When I got your call, all I could think about was finishing my contract and getting back here. I just didn’t expect this. I do want to see him though. I’ve seen photos of him at Dad’s. He looks just like you.’
Annabel smiled, as she always did when someone mentioned her boy.
‘Yeah, he does. He’s got your stubborn streak though.’ She laughed despite herself. It was so hard to be angry at him all the time. Just being around him made her head spin from annoyed to elated that this moment had come. She’d thought of telling him about Aidan so many times over the years, played the scenes out in her head. Not all of them were filled with recriminations and anger. Some ended with them running off into the sunset together.
He came back because I asked him to. The day our son was nearly lost.
‘Aidan had an accident at school. He fell off some gym equipment. It was pretty bad for a few days; he had a head injury, swelling on the brain. The day I called you, it was the day I found out he was going to be okay.’
His face fell, and this time his hand wrapped around hers with hesitation. She let him be.
‘He’s okay now though?’
Annabel nodded, shocked to see how pale Harry had gone.
‘Yes, he’s fine. Fully recovered, thanks to the guys at the hospital. It just made me think, that’s all. About if he’d died.’ She stopped and clenched her teeth to stop herself from crying. ‘I felt so guilty over the years, and I realised that he could have died without ever knowing about you, and you would never have known him.’
‘Dad never told me a thing; I guess it wasn’t his place. I’m so sorry, Annabel, that must have been awful. That’s why you called me?’
‘I’d had a little to drink. I guess I was a bit of a mess once the adrenalin wore off. I wanted you there.’ She pressed her lips together.
‘You wanted me there?’ he echoed. His grip on her hand tightened. ‘I’m sorry. It must have been hard. I wish I had been there. For all of it. I can’t imagine how scary it must have been for you.’
She looked across at Harry, and he was white, his face a picture of pain.
‘Hey, it’s okay. It was tough, but we got through it. I guess I had a bit of latent rage afterwards, and I had a drink or five when I got home—’
‘Rage?’
He was looking right at her now, his lips almost bloodless.
‘Yeah, you know. Life’s a cruel mistress, and I think I got mad. At myself more than anything. I couldn’t help him and I felt powerless. Even with everything we do in this job, I couldn’t do much but just be there.’
‘I bet that was more than enough for Aidan. It’s just what I would have wanted.’
She gave him a little smile and looked away. ‘I was just so glad he came through it. You’d never know it happened now, to look at him. It’s like a bad dream.’
* * *
She was downplaying it; he knew she would. He’d known as soon as he’d heard her voice on that voicemail that she was in pain, that something was wrong with his girl. He’d almost called her back so many times, but he knew a phone call just wouldn’t cut it, and for once he’d listened to his dad. He could tell she’d been drinking, and he didn’t want her to take those words back. He’d wanted to be in front of her, even if it was only for her to take it back and tell him to leave again. He needed to be there, explain things. The truth was, since being cancer-free and getting the all-clear, he’d just been...waiting. For what he didn’t know, until he’d got that call. Just hearing her voice told him to return home, and he wasn’t done yet.
Now just wasn’t the time to blindside her with a confession of his own. He couldn’t tell her now; he couldn’t risk shutting her down when she was finally starting to open up. He thought about the time when he was sick. When he’d wanted nothing more than her by his side, as selfish as he thought that notion was. Now, he saw that his actions had released her from caring for him, from derailing her life, but it had robbed them of so much time together. Time together that they might never have had. Still might never have, given her mistrust of him. The thought added another band of guilt around his heart. He’d believed he was setting her free to live her life, but he’d just missed out on being a family instead.
‘I’m sorry about not being there, and I understand the rage you felt.’
Cancer was a silent stealer of many, many things. It might not have taken his life, but it had changed it forever in so many ways.
He took another bite of his lunch, wanting to choose his words as best he could. ‘If I had known about Aidan, I would never have wanted to leave him. Leave either of you.’
‘I know,’ she retorted, surprising him. ‘That’s why I didn’t tell you when I found out. You wanted that new life, and I didn’t want to interfere with that. I want to listen to what you have to say, Harry, I just don’t have the strength quite yet. And I might get mad and punch you in the face. It would make it awkward at work.’ She flashed him a rueful grin, and his heart almost popped out of his chest.
Ah, Annie. You can never be mean for long. Not without feeling the need to cushion the blow. If someone robbed your purse in the street, you would find a way to give him a backstory. A reason why that person needed your money more than you did.
‘So you covered for me, had our child, looked after my dad, and then got mad at me years later after a Chardonnay?’
She looked at him for a long moment and then started to laugh. A slightly manic laugh that made Harry’s heart swell.
‘I missed that laugh.’
‘It was whisky, not some chick drink, and yeah, you missed a lot.’ The laughter stopped then, and her smile faded. She was already checking her watch, but Harry didn’t want the moment to pass.
‘I know I did, but I came back. I’m here for good now.’ He flashed her his very best Harry smile, the one that she never could resist. Till now, it seemed, judging from her unamused facial expression. ‘I know that we’re not in a good place, but I think with me being back we can—’
He wanted to keep talking, to tell her that he’d come back for her, unable to think about anything else since she’d called, but she was already shaking her head.
‘There is no “we”, Harry. I know I told you about Aidan, but I’m not about to uproot our lives for you when you might not even be here in a few months.’
‘The job’s permanent, Annie.’
She flinched at his use of her shortened name, but he kept going.
She is my Annie.
‘I came here to stay. I’m looking for a place. Hell, if I’d been here any sooner I would have bought our dream house. I’ve left Dubai for good, Annabel, and I do want to see Aidan. We have a lot to talk about. I’ll wait till you’re ready, but I mean what I say. I’m here. For good. For you both.’
She banged on the side window in frustration, and he fell silent. He’d pushed too far. He steeled himself for the punch in the face she’d joked about. Hell, he would take it if it meant getting closer to her.
‘I don’t think so, Harry. Can you imagine how upsetting it will be for him? I can’t do it to the poor boy. He doesn’t have much family; I can
’t risk it. He’s still getting back into school, into his routine.’ She almost blurted out about the move but stopped herself just in time.
‘You don’t have to risk anything. I’m his dad; I would never hurt him.’
Annabel snorted, throwing the rest of her sandwich back into her bag and sanitising her hands. ‘You don’t even know him, Harry! He doesn’t know you’re his dad!’
‘Whose fault is that?’
‘Yours! You left me there like an idiot that day. What was I supposed to do—hop on a plane with a baby bump and surprise you?’
‘That would have been better than how I found out, yes, but no, I—’
‘This is pointless,’ she snapped at him, so hard she almost showed him her teeth like a cornered animal. ‘You don’t think I feel guilty enough, lying to everyone all this time? Lying to my son? Lunch is over anyway. You ready?’
Harry felt his eyes roll back in his head. ‘I don’t want to fall out.’
‘Really? Well, you could have fooled me, Harrison.’
Damn it. She full-named me again. A sure-fire sign that she’s mightily hacked off with me.
‘We have to work together and that’s hard enough, okay? I can’t deal with anything else right now. I have a lot on, and I don’t want Aidan upset.’
Harry stared straight ahead as she took the wrappers and walked out of the ambulance to put them in the nearby waste bin. She’d looked as if she wanted to take the door off with the slam she gave it, and he watched her as she stomped back over, her lips constantly moving. She was talking to herself, as she always used to when she was worked up. He knew this girl—this woman—so well, and being near her after all these years felt like torture. He just wanted to take her into his arms, tell her his truth. Not that he could now, not after the conversation they’d just shared. He could tell that reliving that memory had affected her, and he wanted to pick a better moment than when they’d just fought.
He’d give anything to see her light up again. Light up when she saw him. The smile she used to give him when he walked into a room never failed to floor him, make him want to thank his lucky stars that she loved him. Instead, she got back into the cab and, without even looking his way, she put them back on work duty. A call came in seconds later, and they were off. By the time the last call came in, any chance to restart their conversation seemed lost.
‘Ambulance seventeen, you’re the closest to this call. Woman, thirty-six, chest pains.’
Harry took down the details and Annabel threw on the sirens and lights and they raced to the scene.
‘Any history on this patient?’ Harry asked, building up the best picture they could before arriving on scene.
‘No, fit and healthy otherwise. The patient has been suffering stress of late and be aware she has an infant with her. No family to call.’
‘Got it,’ Harry replied. ‘Two minutes ETA.’
They pulled up outside the neat house, where a woman was sitting on the doorstep, slumped over, the front door behind her wide open. They could hear crying, and next to where the woman was sitting on the front step there was a pram which was moving from side to side with the exertions of the screaming baby inside.
‘Go!’ Annabel shouted the second they pulled up, turning off the engine and yanking the handbrake up. She and Harry ran to the patient, kit bags on their backs. Annabel ran straight to the woman, who was now unconscious and blue. ‘She’s not breathing, Harry!’ They laid the woman down on the hallway carpet, calling out to any occupants in the house, even though they knew she was alone, hoping that someone might just have come to the woman’s aid. The baby was screaming in the pram, and Annabel found no pulse. ‘She’s not breathing. I think it’s a heart attack.’ She checked the patient’s airway, loosening her clothing and supporting her head. ‘Starting CPR!’
Harry rushed to bring the pram indoors, the outside temperature dropping now. Checking at lightning speed, he ascertained that the baby was no more than six months old, was well looked after, just hungry and a little cold. He parked the pram at the bottom of the stairs and watched as Annabel pumped the mother’s chest. Checking for a pulse again, she shook her head. ‘Defibrillator!’
Harry ran to get what they needed, Annabel pulling off the clothing and getting ready to shock the patient. Harry updated the station on the patient, taking the baby in his arms to stop her crying. She snuggled into the warmth of his body, stopping crying almost immediately.
‘Come on, Diane,’ Annabel said to the woman as she got everything ready, her hands moving with precise speed. ‘Don’t you die in front of your beautiful daughter. Come on! Clear!’
She pressed the paddles to the woman’s chest, and her body jerked up with the movement. Annabel checked her pulse again, putting the paddles aside.
‘We have a pulse!’ Diane gasped for air, coughing and murmuring as she came to. ‘Diane, Diane, it’s okay. We’re from the ambulance service. We’re here to help; we need to get you to hospital.’ Harry had already laid the baby back down in the pram and was racing to get a stretcher. They hooked her up to monitor her heart, and Annabel made her lie back down when she tried to get up.
‘Izzy?’ she asked. ‘Where’s my Izzy?’
‘She’s right here,’ Harry said from behind her. They lifted her onto the stretcher and strapped her in, Harry picking up the baby and letting her mother see her. ‘Do you have milk in the changing bag?’ Diane nodded weakly, and Harry picked it up off the back of the pram. ‘Let’s get you both in. Do you have anyone who could look after the baby?’
Diane shook her head, crying now. Annabel gave her some pain medication, and she settled a little. ‘No,’ Diane said weakly. ‘My husband left me. He’s selling the house. He left me for someone else. I’ve been so stressed. What happened?’
Annabel took the woman’s hand in her gloved one, leaning in so Diane would stay settled. ‘We think you had a mild heart attack, Diane, but we have some of the best doctors in the country waiting to help you. We’ll take Izzy with us, okay?’ The woman nodded, crying again now. Checking the monitors, both paramedics were happy to see that her stats were coming back up. She was out of the woods for now, but they needed to act fast.
‘I just felt a bit ill. I thought it was heartburn. How did I have a heart attack?’
Harry, leading the stretcher out of the house, the baby quiet and settled in his arms, gave Diane a comforting smile while Annabel checked the house over quickly and locked up. She put the keys in the changing bag on Harry’s shoulder and within minutes they were heading off. Harry offered to drive, and Annabel was glad. She didn’t want to leave the poor woman alone. She’d grabbed the detachable car seat from the pram, and she strapped the baby into the seat in the back of the cab, wrapping a blanket around her. She was now starting to stir, reminded of her hungry belly.
‘Do you want to call your husband? Anyone?’
‘I only have Izzy. It was just the three of us. I thought it would always be that way. Don’t call him, please.’
Diane shook her head, and Annabel didn’t press the matter. Harry closed the doors, but not before he squeezed Annabel’s shoulder.
‘Good job there,’ he told her.
‘Back at you,’ she said, meaning every word. ‘Drive fast.’
Harry winked at her before he closed the doors, and she turned her attention back to the woman. They’d got there in time, but she knew that the image of the new mother, slumped and alone, the baby crying next to her, wouldn’t leave her for a long time. She had people, but once she locked her doors in the evening it was just her and Aidan. The thought of something happening to her was something she tried not to dwell on, but it was there just the same. Seeing Harry hold the baby girl in his strong arms hadn’t helped either. He’d never held Aidan like that, and she felt the pain of moments lost once more, and the crushing guilt of her decision. She’d taken things away from him too.
Moments they would never get to have. They blue lighted it all the way to the hospital, and they didn’t leave till the social worker turned up to help with the baby. Diane was going to be fine, but she had a long hard road ahead and she would need help to get there.
When they both got back into the ambulance some time later, they sat for a moment.
‘I hope they’ll be okay. She looked terrified.’
‘She’s a new mum going through a lot already. Hopefully the dad will come through for her.’
Aidan’s jaw tightened, and she patted his leg. He reached for her hand and held it there, under his.
‘If you ever need me like that, you’d call, right?’
She looked across at him, his features shadowed in the fast fading light outside.
‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘It’s one of my biggest fears. Not being well enough to take care of him. If I needed you, I’d call.’
He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it once. The shivers that ran down her arm could have been from the cold of the evening, but she knew it was more than that.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I’ll always be here. Let’s get signed off, eh? It’s been a day.’ He didn’t let go of her hand the whole time, and for once she didn’t object to his attentions.
* * *
They pulled into the station, sorted their jobs out and went in to clock off. Harry waved to some familiar faces, most of whom looked back at him open-mouthed. Word had spread about his return. He had expected as much.
Annabel went on ahead, her shoulders hunched. She’d probably seen the looks he was getting too. It was hardly likely to get her to let her guard down. He wanted to tell them all to mind their own business.
‘God, I wish they wouldn’t gawp,’ she said at the side of him, while his face set into an irritated scowl. ‘I’d better get my paperwork done.’ He watched her leave. He could almost hear her defences clanging back up into place. Looking back down the corridor, he made a point of staring the onlookers out. Most of them had the good sense to look away, scattering like autumn leaves in the wind. Spotting a friendly familiar face, he started to smile.
