by Rachel Dove
‘Harry’s so cool, Mum. He played football when he worked away, you know. I want to do that when I grow up.’
‘Did he?’
‘Yeah, he played with the other doctors. You should start a team, Mum, at the ambulance station. Harry could be the striker.’
Annabel laughed, sitting down on the bed and smoothing a tuft of hair off his face. ‘Well, I think the nurses might like that, but there’s no way I’d be getting my lily-white legs out in front of my colleagues and showing them how rubbish at the game I am.’
Another giggle filled the room. ‘Yeah, you’re rubbish.’
‘Hey! I was great at netball at school, I’ll have you know.’
That just produced an eye roll of epic proportions.
‘That’s lame, Mum. Messi is way cooler than any netball player.’
‘I’ll give you that,’ she said, dropping a kiss on the top of her beautiful son’s head. Seeing Harry and Aidan together had made her realise just how alike they were in their mannerisms. The eye rolls, the mickey taking. Harry always had been cheeky, and Aidan was just the same. She wondered what else she had blocked out about the past. ‘Straight to sleep now.’
He turned onto his side, facing Annabel and resting his head on the plump pillows beneath him.
Sleepily, his eyelids already hooded, his brow furrowed. ‘I like Harry. Do you, Mum?’
‘Yes, I like him. He’s good to work with.’
‘I think he likes you too.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘He looks at you a lot. Like how Uncle Tom and Uncle Lloyd look at each other.’
‘Well, your uncles are in love, so it’s a bit different.’
‘I think it’s the same. I think he likes you, Mum. Do you like him?’
‘Of course I like him. He’s a good friend, and we work together a lot so that’s a good thing.’
‘That’s not what I meant, Mum.’
Annabel smiled down at him, fighting to stay awake as his busy day started to take its toll.
‘I know, love. It’s grown-up stuff; sometimes it’s a bit complicated.’
‘I know,’ he said, showing wisdom far beyond his years. ‘I just think that people who love each other should always say it. That’s what Granddad says, and he’s really smart.’
Annabel said nothing, her throat not co-operating now. She played with his fringe, just like she’d done when he was little, dropping another kiss onto his little forehead and watching in silence as his long dark lashes fluttered as he fell asleep. She was halfway out of his bedroom door when his soft voice, thick with sleep, stilled her departure.
‘Do you think he’ll stay forever? I really hope he does. We need him now, don’t we?’
She turned to ask him what he meant, but he was already fast asleep.
‘Yes, kiddo,’ she whispered into the half light of the room. ‘I think we do.’
* * *
Heading downstairs, she walked into the lounge and saw it was empty. The coffee table had been cleared, the cushions plumped and the television turned off. Just as her heart was sinking at the thought that Harry had left, she heard humming coming from the kitchen.
‘You didn’t have to do that,’ she said from the doorway, watching him wash up at the sink. He looked so at home in her kitchen, as though he had always been there. Here in this house, with her.
‘I don’t mind, the least I could do really. I had a great night.’ He turned to look at her as he placed another clean plate onto the dish rack. ‘Aidan asleep already?’
‘Yeah,’ she said, crossing the room and taking a bottle of white wine from the fridge. ‘He was exhausted.’ The leftovers from their meal had been wrapped up and put into the fridge. ‘You even saved me some snacks!’
He laughed, another low rumble. ‘I couldn’t find a trough, so I improvised.’ He dried his hands on one of the towels from the rack and leaned back against the sink, his forearms flexing under his rolled-up shirtsleeves.
‘Carry on with the sow jokes, I dare you.’ She waggled the wine bottle at him. ‘Drink?’
‘Sure. Dad send a text a few minutes ago, complaining that Leonard is cheating. He mentioned something about 1976, so I’m guessing it’s not the first time they’ve butted heads. I’m in no hurry. Glasses?’
‘Behind you, top cabinet.’
They took them through to the lounge, sitting next to each other on the couch. Annabel flicked on the television, some comedy sitcom on low.
‘You feeling better, after the Ben call?’ She’d wanted to ask him since the minute he’d walked in but hadn’t wanted to spoil the mood.
‘Not really, but I checked with A&E. He’s in for the night for observation. Mum’s staying with him.’
Annabel filled both their glasses, offering one to Harry. Their hands crossed on the stem, and he stroked his finger along hers before taking it.
‘That’s good. I checked with the social care team. They are in the system, so I flagged up today’s call with them. They’ll check in with mum before they leave the hospital.’
Harry’s shoulders relaxed a little, and he took a deep gulp of the cold drink. ‘Thanks. I had been thinking the same thing, to be honest.’
‘No problem. I would have done it anyway; the family needs some help. The mother’s always worked well with them, by all accounts.’
Harry nodded. ‘I got that feel from her. She obviously loves him.’
They fell silent, watching the television for a while in comfortable silence.
‘I’d rather die than see Aidan suffer like that,’ he said eventually, turning towards her on the couch. She tucked her feet up behind her, their knees touching now.
‘I know that. He thinks you’re amazing.’
‘As a friend of his mum’s, sure,’ he retorted, his jaw flexing. ‘As some long-lost son of his granddad.’
This isn’t going how I thought it would. He’s...angry.
‘I don’t want to argue, please. We’re doing okay, aren’t we?’
Harry sighed, and the anger seemed to leave his features. ‘Sure. I’ve loved getting to know him. Dad’s been great too. It’s weird—the old issues, they just don’t seem to be an issue any more.’
‘He missed you, a lot. He did try to contact you; they all did.’
‘I know,’ he acknowledged. ‘I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to hear from them.’ He looked her right in the eye. ‘I would have answered when you called again. I was on shift. I wish I’d called.’
She was mid sip, the rim of the glass resting on her lips. She finished the action, allowing the wine to cool her throat and give her strength. She’d almost bitten down on the glass when he’d spoken, but she had nowhere to hide with him staring straight at her.
‘I know,’ was all she could summon to say. ‘I wish you had too.’
‘Did you miss me?’
Stupid question, Harry.
‘That’s not a fair question.’
‘I know, but I’m asking it anyway. Answer it, please.’
Answer it, he says. Hell, I could write a book about it. What the heck do I say? Do I tell him the truth, that I missed him every day? That I sobbed at every sonogram appointment? That I once punched an advert on the wall of the Tube station because it had an advertisement for Dubai on it? No, no, no. Protect that underbelly, Sanders. Don’t give everything away.
‘Well, yes. Short answer, I did miss you, for a long time.’
For ever, in fact. You ruined me for all other men. No, not that either. You sound like an old maid.
She took another sip of her wine and started to talk. ‘I vomited. In the airport. Did you know that? All over the airport lounge. Pregnancy joys, I guess, but I didn’t know at the time.’
He shook his head, his expression giving nothing away. She waved him off wit
h her hand.
‘Of course you didn’t. Sorry. It was after you’d gone. I threw up right there in the check-in hall, in front of everyone. The woman behind the counter got a shock, I can tell you.’
‘I’m sorry for that.’
‘I threw up because I was already pregnant with Aidan. I didn’t know at the time, not till a few weeks after. I ignored the signs, I suppose, or more I didn’t see them. The possibility didn’t enter my head. Even with all my training, I didn’t have a clue.’
Harry hung his head, a look she’d never seen before on his face. ‘Sometimes, even the best training in the world can’t make you see the signs that are right there in front of you. Not till the body takes over and makes you see it. None of this is your fault. Did you ever hate me?’
‘Who says I don’t now?’ she quipped, but he didn’t laugh. ‘No, I never hated you. We had a child coming. I had no room in my heart for hate.’
‘Did you miss me all the time?’
He was looking at her intently, his eyes focused on her. Her eyes, then her lips. She licked them without thinking, feeling suddenly parched. She took another sip of Dutch courage, and she could feel Harry tense at the side of her when she took too long to answer. As though doubt had crept into the silence and filled it for him.
‘Sorry. Forget I asked. I didn’t mean to push.’
‘Yes,’ she admitted finally. ‘I missed you every day. I missed telling you about work, about the funny things that happened in the station. When Aidan took his first steps, I cried myself to sleep. When I was in labour, Tom at my side, I shouted for you to come. He told me after. I was delirious on gas and air, half out of my mind with pain and fear. I missed you Harry; we all did.’ She turned back to the television and heard the clink of his wine glass on the coffee table. Felt him take her glass from her hand. She kept her eyes on the television, feeling as if every nerve-ending was on fire.
‘Look at me, Annie. Please.’ For once, hearing his name for her didn’t make her feel anything but cherished. She was still his Annie.
She took a breath and turned to him. He was closer now, his face inches from hers.
‘I’m glad I told you why I left. I wanted you to know. To understand why I made the mistake of not taking you with me. I missed you too. I loved you so much, Annie. Every single day. Your face kept me going on my worst days. I threw up a lot too, when I was sick. I regret a lot in my life, but nothing quite so much as how much I hurt you. How I wrecked our little family before it had even begun. The thing is, I—’
‘Do you still?’
* * *
Her question threw him off track, and he tried to stay on subject. Being so close to her after all this time was intoxicating. It made his head spin. Her lips were so close, her body turned to him as her face searched his for the answer she sought. He was trying to get his lips to work, to form the sounds he was desperate to get out there, but all the treacherous things wanted to do was meet with hers. He wanted to kiss her stupid, and they tingled with the sheer need. Damn his body; it had let him down at some of the most pivotal moments. You never learned that in any textbook.
‘Do I still what?’ He finally managed to get them back under control.
Looking at him now, she looked like the young girl he had fallen in love with. Strong, driven, but less sure of herself.
‘Love me.’
That was the easiest question to answer. It had never been in doubt, all these years. It had never dulled. Not over time or the thousands of miles, or even when he’d been fighting against the bad cells that were within him, trying to take him away from her for good. Throughout all that, she had been the voice in his head, his reason for getting up and facing each day. Every day—from the day in the airport to this one. Till the day he finally left this earth.
‘Yes, Annie. God, yes.’ He took her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs along the soft skin he’d once thought he’d never get to touch again. ‘I never stopped. Never.’
She closed the gap between them and he met her there. Their lips melded together as they poured every ounce of their love into their kiss. He lifted her into his arms and she straddled him on the sofa, her hair falling over them both as they explored each other’s mouths. Harry could feel her heart pumping fast, every bit as fast as his.
She broke off the kiss to draw breath. ‘I love you too, Harry. Damn you, but I love you too.’
CHAPTER SIX
THE IMPOSING BRICK building of the inner-city primary school loomed in Harry’s windshield as they pulled into the car park. He’d driven the whole way from her house with her hand in his lap, his hand covering hers between every change of gear. He’d even grumbled about that, declaring his intention to take back his hire car the second he got the chance and buy a car with automatic gears, so he didn’t have to let go of her hand.
Annabel couldn’t argue with that. She loved every minute of the time they spent together—the minutes they were alone, away from prying eyes. Since the fateful movie night, they’d been meeting out of work whenever they got a chance, and a babysitter. He’d taken her to Chinatown and watched her demolish half the menu with a big daft grin on his face. They’d kissed in the cinema like a pair of teenagers, all thoughts of the action flick forgotten as they held each other in the dark.
They’d never taken it further than that, though it was getting harder to call time on their kissing. Without even discussing it, they’d both seemingly reached the same conclusion. They were taking their time, the pair of them seeing how fragile this new relationship was, how much was at stake. At work, they’d still been the same team, all thoughts of the past put to bed, or left unsaid. She knew that they’d never finished their conversation, that he had more to say, but at this moment in her life she was content to stay in their bubble.
Harry had spent time with Aidan too, at the house, but they’d told no one about the development in their relationship. They’d been careful around Aidan, but once he was in bed their couch kissing sessions made her feel like a young teenager in love all over again. And she was kissing the same boy, who was now the hottest man she’d ever laid eyes on. She could admit that to herself fully now she was done being mad at him. Not that she needed to. Her wandering hands were testament to that. She was surprised they hadn’t set her new couch on fire with the intensity of their barely contained heat. Amazing what a kiss could do to wake a girl up from a deep sleep. She was well and truly awake now, and she felt beautiful. Seen.
Sometimes, when they were walking down the corridor at work towards each other, acting professional, he would give her a look, or she would feel him brush against her skin, and she felt so deliciously high, naughty even. As professional as they kept things, hiding the development in their relationship from everyone around them, she felt as if they were walking around in their own bubble. Whenever he was near her, she felt his presence. She glowed like a star in the night sky and, judging by his fumbling sometimes, the way he tripped over his words, she knew she wasn’t the only one lighting up. She just didn’t want anyone else to see it. Not yet.
They didn’t need any opinions from those around them. They’d not even discussed where it was going. Annabel wasn’t going to be the one to push it. She wasn’t even sure herself what they were doing, but it felt right. They’d spent their rare weekends off together at Annabel’s house, cooking meals together and dancing in the kitchen. He’d rocked up one day with a football net for Aidan, and they’d barbecued outside in the newly finished garden, Harry being the goalie to Aidan’s striker. She’d never laughed so much, and Aidan was thrilled with having a man around the house.
It could be like this all the time, she thought to herself for the millionth time. If you just let go, let all the truths blow away with the wind, we could be happy. We could be a family.
He was still the same tender, loving Harry he’d been before, better even, but there were times when he grew quiet. He a
voided going into too much detail about his illness, how bad it had actually been. It must have changed him, and she wondered whether he was truly happy being back, especially when he seemed so far away in his own head at times. She wondered what he was thinking, whether he was longing for far-off shores again. Was he really as recovered as he said he was? She didn’t want to rock the boat, but she had a million questions. It was such a nice time sailing through life with him, so she gave him time.
The murmurs around the station were still there; she caught the odd look when they walked in together, chatting away to each other, but she held her head high and pretended that she didn’t. She was the head paramedic; her position was one of integrity, and they were doing nothing wrong. At work, other than the fizz in her belly, she was always on the ball. She would never let a patient down; neither of them ever would. Medicine and patient care meant far too much to both of them. Once she had a label for what they were, other than childhood sweethearts and secret co-parents, then that would be a different matter. Work would have to know. She was still in control of her career, and that would never change.
Harry turned off the engine and looked out at the school. ‘It looks nice.’
Distracted, she glanced at the school and smiled.
‘Yeah, he loves it here. He’s got lots of friends too. He wants to be a paramedic, you know.’
Harry’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. ‘Really? That’s great! A chip off the old block, eh? Dad will be furious.’
They laughed together, thinking of Abe.
‘I think we should tell him,’ she said softly.
‘Rather you than me; he’s already talking about getting him a doctor play set for Christmas.’
‘No, not Abe.’ She pulled his hand to her mouth, kissing the back. ‘Aidan. I think we should tell him that you’re his father.’
