Chapter Thirty-One
Lorenzo and I didn’t speak on the way to the hotel. He made several attempts to comfort me. I couldn’t handle the sensation of magic on my skin. He was reduced to clutching the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He was the last person I wanted to hurt. That made me cry even more; my heart was broken.
I didn’t know what to say. I was too busy crying and sobbing hysterically to even consider telling Lorenzo what happened. I wasn’t able to speak. Sobs choked my words and drowned out everything I wanted to say. The only thing I could do was cry. I couldn’t stop. I tried hugging myself to prevent the sobs from breaking free but it was no use. There was nothing in this world that could sooth the pain. I didn’t want to drift into a state of numbness. That’s where the monsters lurked and the darkness waited for me. I didn’t want to lose myself to the darkness.
All of my friends were dead. The team I called home no longer existed. I had grown attached to Winters’s team, even after telling myself when I first joined the agency that I wasn’t there to make friends, I was there to make a difference. I didn’t mean to get so attached. My team were all kind, loving, friendly, compassionate, and always had my back. Distancing myself from them hadn’t been an option. They welcomed me into their team with open arms after getting to know me and treated me like one of their own. Now they were gone and all I had left of them were memories. Memories weren’t enough after being with them for over three years.
I kept torturing myself by replaying their final moments in my mind over and over again, thinking about what we could have done differently. We could have gotten backup, the agents who were with Sky and Dane would have made a difference. We could have used knockout gas to clear out the room, if we had considered making the trip to the armoury for the extra gear, instead of going in blind. Winters didn’t want the opportunity of cornering Oliver to slip out of our hands, not when we were so close. It didn’t matter what alternative I came up with because they were all dead and nothing would change that. They were gone. All of them were gone.
The only regret I had was not being able to kill Oliver more than once. He deserved a thousand deaths. He had broken me. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be comfortable with magic again, not after being tortured with power so raw, it made my body ache. I couldn’t imagine how his victims felt after being exposed to that magic for six months. I’m not surprised they lost their minds and we had to put them down.
Although I hated Cyrus, I couldn’t deny that it was him that kept my mind safe from Oliver’s magic. If it wasn’t for Cyrus’s shield protecting my thoughts from others, I would be Oliver’s slave. I would have been killed, just like the rest of Oliver’s victims. Maybe Damian’s magic would have saved me before that happened. I would never know.
Dwelling on the past wasn’t going to fix me. I wasn’t sure what would help ease the pain, especially when Lorenzo couldn’t touch me. We hadn’t been together for six months. This was rough. I had been looking forward to seeing him. He was centimeters away from me but I felt more apart than ever. He couldn’t hug me. He couldn’t kiss me. He could do nothing but be mad at me for rejecting who he was. Magic was a part of him. I was hoping my condition wasn’t permanent. If it was, we wouldn’t last as a couple. I didn’t want to lose him, not when I had lost so much already.
I let out a steady breath when the car came to a stop. I somehow managed to stop bawling my eyes out but the emotional breakdown was hiding just around the corner; anything could set me off again.
“You do realise that the receptionist is going to freak out the moment they lay eyes on you, right? Maybe I should hose you down outside first,” Lorenzo said, trying to make light of the situation.
I gave him the smallest of smiles. “Let them freak out. I need the entertainment.”
“They might arrest me. I’m too gorgeous to be in prison.”
My smile grew a fraction larger. “Say we just came back from a zombie party and you’re the human I was chasing the entire night. I’m sure they’ll buy it.”
“Take the Kevlar off that has your badge attached, then it will be more convincing.”
I nodded in agreement and took my seatbelt off, shuffling forward in the seat so I had more room. I tried to undo the Kevlar clips. My hands were soaked in blood, just like the rest of me. The blood was wet from the rain and made everything slippery. This wasn’t working.
“Can you do this please? I’m having trouble,” I said, giving up with a huff.
“Sure thing, hun.”
Lorenzo took care not to brush his hand against anything but the Kevlar as he undid the clips and shimmed off the vest. My shirt almost came off with it. Blood was like glue and stuck to anything if you were covered in enough of it. I was gonna have a long bath. Then again, I didn’t fancy sitting in a tub of red water. Maybe I would just have a long, long shower.
“I don’t have anything to change into,” I said when I chucked the Kevlar onto the back seat.
“You don’t need clothes when you’re around me,” Lorenzo said, reaching behind his seat to grab his bag.
I shoved him. “Jerk.”
“You can sleep in one of my shirts.”
“Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be doing much sleeping tonight.”
Lorenzo wiggled his eyebrows suggestively; I smacked him.
“Not that! You perv! You are so immature!” I snapped, getting out of the car before my smacks turned into punches. With the roller coaster of emotions I had trapped inside me right now, I didn’t want to risk resorting to violence, mainly because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stop. I had already hurt Lorenzo enough as it was by avoiding his touch like the plague. Treating him like a punching bag wasn’t something I planned on doing to him. I wanted him to hug me and stick me back together.
Lorenzo was right. The receptionist did freak out. She was reaching for the phone as we approached the desk, eyes wide and face paled by shock. I’m glad she wasn’t one of those people that fainted at the sight of blood. That would have been awkward.
“That zombie party was a terrible idea! I’m going to spend the whole night scrubbing that gunk out of your clothes. You do know that, right?” Lorenzo stated curtly, making sure his voice was loud enough for the receptionist to hear.
“That’s why you’re the housewife, dear,” I replied, all smiles.
The receptionist put the phone down after clearing the number she was about to call. It didn’t take a genius to know it was either the police or emergency services. Maybe I should have played victim so Lorenzo got escorted off in cuffs. He was right, he was too gorgeous to be in prison, and I wasn’t that mean.
“Do you have a booking?” the receptionist asked, looking rather displeased at the mess I was leaving behind. This was a really flashy hotel. I didn’t blame her for being mad. There were red splatters on the marble floor.
“Yes, under Grayson,” Lorenzo told the receptionist.
That surprised me. “Why my surname?”
“I don’t have one. Fancy places like this required a full name so I put yours.”
I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. There was no playful smile, no amusement gleaming in his eyes, nothing at all. He was being dead serious. I had known him for years. Lorenzo had been around for the most important parts of my life. He didn’t have a surname and I never knew. Some girlfriend I was.
“What do you mean you don’t have one?” I asked.
“I don’t know where I came from,” he admitted, voice incredibly soft.
“Can I see some ID?” the receptionist asked.
I nearly got mad at her for interrupting our conversation.
I guess I looked like a college student that lost their way back to their dorm, or the zombie party. I’m glad that lie was convincing. I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone the truth. It was too frightening and depressing, not to mention morbid and nightmare fuel.
“I don’t have my wallet on me,” I said. All my stuff was back at HQ.
“No ID, no entry,” the receptionist said.
Lorenzo rolled his lips together. I’m pretty sure he was contemplating using his charm to bypass the rules. I wasn’t sure the receptionist was going to bite. She seemed pretty uptight. I wasn’t in the mood to see my boyfriend flirt to get access to our room.
I was about to make my way back to the car to grab my badge but Lorenzo caught my arm. He let go when I tensed up, forgetting about the whole I-can’t-stand-magic-right-now situation. I think he didn’t want the receptionist to know I was an agent. This was pretend blood, not real blood. I couldn’t blow my cover.
“I have the credit card I used to pay for the room. Will that do?” Lorenzo inquired, radiating his charm with a flirtatious smile, tone easy going and friendly.
She actually blushed.
I was going to punch something.
I stood on Lorenzo’s toes to remind him that his girlfriend was present while he fished around in his wallet, looking for his credit card. He didn’t wince. Apparently his shoes were thicker than my combat boots – interesting – that or he was good at ignoring people. I was leaning towards the second. He briefly poked his tongue out at me, silver stud bobbing.
Lorenzo handed the receptionist his credit card, golden eyes on me the entire time, much to her annoyance. I wasn’t sure how he could look at me so calmly when I was covered from head to toe in blood. He was used to me coming home with blood splatters on my clothes. This was the first time it looked like someone tipped buckets over me. He was handling the situation rather well. I wasn’t sure whether to be concerned or proud.
“Thank you. Your room is on the top floor. Enjoy your stay. I hope you clean up after yourself,” the receptionist said, handing Lorenzo his credit card back and a set of room keys. Her eyes were narrowed and her lips were puckered.
“Of course. Sorry for the hassle.” His charming smile melted away her anger. “Come on, Joan. Let’s head to our room.”
“Yup,” I mumbled, following Lorenzo to the elevator. “I’m beginning to wonder if you flirt with every woman you come across.”
“Did you want to sleep in the rental car?” he countered, voice snappy.
I met his face with a peaceful mask, giving him silence as a reply.
“Yeah, I didn’t think so,” he said, smacking the elevator button. He let out a calming breath not a moment afterwards. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”
“It’s ok. I shouldn’t have said anything,” I murmured, folding my arms and wandering into the elevator.
I stared at the floor when I caught a glance of my reflection in the glass. I didn’t want to see what I looked like. Being dragged through hell and back didn’t come close to what I saw in that glimpse. I was a damn mess. I wanted to look but at the same time I didn’t. I just stared at my boots, ignoring everything else about me.
“You never told me about the surname thing, why?” I asked when the elevator moved. I was still staring at my feet. I didn’t want to risk looking up, knowing that curiosity would get the best of me. I wouldn’t be able to tear my eyes off my reflection a second time around.
“It’s not something I talk about. Besides, not having last name is kinda cool. It makes me mysterious.”
“Gorgeous and a mystery,” I said, shaking my head. “Why don’t you know and why haven’t you made an effort to find out? If I didn’t know where I came from, I’d move mountains to find where I was born and who my family was.”
“I had my memories wiped for a reason. Best to leave it alone,” Lorenzo said, sounding like he’d rather be talking about something else. “I’m content with what I have. I don’t need to go digging in the past when my future is standing beside me.”
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. There was an itch in my throat when the waterworks threatened to start again. I didn’t know what the future held for us if my discomfort around magic was permanent. There couldn’t be an ‘us’ if there was no physical contact.
“I’m not the best person to be around right now. I’m an emotional wreck. I lost my entire team today. With the way things are going... I’ll probably lose you as well.”
There was a short pause in the conversation. I could only imagine that Lorenzo was thinking of what to say. This was a sensitive subject, one that could easily lead to me breaking down. I was already on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry for what happened to your team. That’s awful. They were lovely and didn’t deserve to die,” he paused to let out a heartfelt sigh. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m always here for you. I know things are a bit rough right now. Just because we’ve hit that rough patch doesn’t mean I’m going to walk away when things are tough. We’ll work through this, Joan. Don’t worry.”
I didn’t want to argue otherwise so I just left it alone. Plus, the lady screaming like a banshee when the elevator doors opened broke the mood. She didn’t stick around. She fled down the hall, shrieking that there was a walking corpse in the building that wanted to eat people. I guess I really did look like a zombie.
“Not a word,” I said to Lorenzo when he took a short intake of breath, undoubtedly to say a remark I wouldn’t find funny. “Let’s find our room. I want a damn shower.”
We wandered down the hall, looking for the room number that matched the key; three hundred and ninety-four.
I wasn’t entirely sure how I was still walking. Everything inside of me was completely broken. Being a zombie wasn’t far off the truth. I was brought back to life and practically dead on my feet. Brains, anyone?
“When was the last time you ate?” Lorenzo asked as he unlocked the door.
I inclined my head in thought. I remembered losing food, not eating it. “Lunch.”
“That was hours ago.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve had a pretty crap day,” I muttered, gesturing to my appearance. “You think I had the time to stop and eat something? No.”
“I’ll order room service.”
“I’m not hungry.”
Our room was like a palace and had an amazing view of the city; it was still raining outside. There was only one bed, which Lorenzo and I would have to share. Thankfully it was a king sized mattress, plenty of room. I wasn’t going to make him sleep on the couch. I wasn’t that mean. There were far too many pillows. Maybe I would make a wall.
The only thing I cared about was the bathroom, which I promptly slipped into as soon as I saw the tiled floor. I avoided looking at the mirror. There was a massive hot tub. The shower looked tiny in comparison but that didn’t bother me. A bath wasn’t going to work, not with my current condition.
Lorenzo put clean clothes on the vanity. What I had on was going straight into the trash. There was no salvaging my pants; the fabric was nothing but shredded ribbons. My white blouse was completely red and I doubt it would ever be pristine again.
“You ok?” Lorenzo asked, tone soft and concerned.
I shook my head as I unbuttoned my blouse. “No,” I muttered, having trouble trying to take off my shirt.
The fabric stuck to me and yanked my skin when I finally managed to slip out of my clothes. My pants came off in pieces when I tugged at the fabric. Everything was definitely going into the rubbish.
“You’ll feel slightly better after a nice relaxing shower.”
“Mhm,” I mumbled, twisting the shower knob.
I leaned my head on the wall while I waited for the water to heat up, standing just outside the shower, away from the stream.
“I don’t want to be alone right now,” I told Lorenzo.
“You won’t be. I’ll be just outside if you need anything.”
“But I don’t want to be alone right now,” I reiterated, keeping my voice soft. I didn’t want to sound snappy.
“Joan,” Lorenzo sighed my name. “You won’t let me touch you.”
I winced at how hurt he sounded. “I’m not doing it on purpose. I want you to comfort me, to hold me, to kiss me... but after what I went through today, I
can’t handle the sensation of magic. I have nothing against you as a person... it’s just power that’s making me uneasy right now.”
“It will pass.”
“What if it doesn’t? What if I’m permanently broken?” I blurted, lifting my head off the wall to look at him.
Lorenzo was biting his lower lip. There was a discreet flush in his cheeks. His eyes glimmered too many emotions for me to count. The gold was flecked with silver, moisture that refused to become tears.
“Just have your shower. I’ll order food. You need to eat.” He left after he spoke.
My hand reached out to pull him back but all my fingers grasped was air. I had been too slow, too hesitant. I lacked the courage to call out. Even if I did, I wasn’t sure that he would come back.
I grabbed a cloth to take into the shower with me because scrubbing with my hands wasn’t going to cut it. I needed thick material to scrub off the gunk. Thankfully there was a decent sized bar of soap in the shower, not one of those tiny soaps that you’d find in cheap hotels. There were also bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Lorenzo had picked the perfect room. All I needed now was a hairbrush.
I wasn’t sure how long I spent in the shower, frantically scrubbing away until my skin felt raw. The water swirling by my feet eventually turned clear, no longer tainted by red. The bubbles swirled down the drain, almost hypnotically.
It would be a dishonour to my team and myself if I made the decision to forget them with the same magic that erased Lorenzo’s memories. They had been my closest friends. I couldn’t forget them, not after everything we had gone through together.
I slid down the shower wall and onto the floor. I leaned forward, resting my chin on my knees. I wrapped my arms around my legs. Water splattered on my back like a soothing massage. I closed my eyes and listened to the pitter-patter of raindrops on my skin.
I wasn’t sure if what I was doing was worth it any more. What could I possibly achieve on my own, now that my team was gone? Claire’s final words whispered in my mind. She told me to continuing living for the team and made me promise to stay alive. She said I was the last hope to ending this war. She wished she could see the day where Tainted Beings no longer had to hide. How could I do all of those things when I didn’t even know where to start? What could I possibly do after I had lost everything?
The shower switched off on its own. It wasn’t until a warm towel fell around me that I realised Lorenzo had been the one that turned the water off. I didn’t glance up or move. I stayed on the ground, eyes shut, arms wrapped around my legs.
“There’s a hairbrush on top of the clothes I’ve lent you. There’s also food outside once you’ve dried off and changed,” he said, still speaking softly.
I raised my head to look at him. “I said I wasn’t hungry.”
“This isn’t up for debate, Joan. You need to eat something.”
“Whatever,” I muttered, wrapping myself up in the towel. “Just get out of my face.”
“What happened today wasn’t your fault. You didn’t kill your team. You weren’t responsible for their deaths. Don’t blame yourself, love.”
“I don’t,” I said, pausing. “I blame Oliver but he’s dead, thanks to me. I blame Dane and he’s still out there. I should just kill him and be done with it. Killing him won’t bring them back but it might make me feel better,” I mumbled, pressing my feet on the floor to stand up, being careful not to slip. I was wearing my towel like a strapless dress.
“Joan...”
“I know what you’re gonna say, that killing Dane will be irresponsible and get me nowhere. Some bigot will replace him and they might be worse. At least Dane is semi-civilised when it comes to me, even if he’s ruthless and is always threatening to kill me... he never does. I should be grateful that I’m still alive but I’m dead on the inside. I’ve lost everything. I always lose everything.”
Lorenzo held my face in his hands. His skin felt normal. There was no magic flowing through his veins. He was just warm.
“How–” my sentence was cut off when Lorenzo’s thumb touched my lower lip.
“I’ve stored all my magic into something else. It took some doing but I didn’t want to spend the night apart when all I want to do is hold you and comfort you. I’m completely powerless but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for tonight.”
I smiled, feeling moisture build in my eyes. “Thank you.”
Lorenzo’s hands felt soft against my face as he caressed my cheeks. His hands slipped down my arms and found their way to my waist. He kissed my forehead before resting his chin on the top of my head, pulling me into him. He didn’t care that I was still dripping wet from my shower. I hadn’t been given the chance to dry off properly.
“I can’t do this all the time.”
“It’s ok. This is nice,” I murmured against his chest, hugging him tighter. “I didn’t know you could store magic in objects.”
“It’s not common practice. I could live out my days as a mortal if I really wanted to. I like living, which is why I’d rather not do this on a constant basis. I’m putting myself at risk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. This is just for tonight. We’ll work through your issues with magic one step at a time.”
“What if there’s no fixing it?” I felt him tense up when I asked my question.
Lorenzo was tracing circles on my back absentmindedly. That was his way of showing he was thinking really hard about something. He got fidgety when he was stuck or reluctant to speak what was on his mind.
“What do you want me to tell you?” he finally said, ceasing his circle tracing.
“The truth,” I spoke, my voice coming out in a soft whisper. There was no point in lying, not with something like this. I would probably regret my answer but it was better to know now than find out later and be upset about it.
Lorenzo sighed and held me closer. “I don’t want to. Not yet. You’re fragile.”
“Just tell me.”
Lorenzo pulled away from the hug. “Dry off and get dressed. Our dinner is getting cold.”
“We can reheat it. Tell me.”
“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“No.”
“Please, just for tonight, forget about tomorrow and focus on the present. I want to be here for you. I’m here, now, don’t take that away from me.”
“Why? You planning on ditching later?”
A quiet huff of irritation escaped from his nose. “Joan...”
“My entire team is dead. I’m completely messed up after being exposed to Oliver’s magic. Killing him didn’t fix anything. Killing him only prevented more people from being subjected to his torture. Those who were touched by his power went mad and had to be put down. I’m lucky I’m still in one piece, even if that’s a contradiction since we all know I’m broken,” I said, staring into those golden eyes that told me nothing. “What are you so afraid of telling me? Things can’t really get much worse.”
“If it comes down to choosing you over magic... I can’t give up my magic for you. My coven is relying on me. With Damian moving to Paris, there’s a high chance outlying covens will threaten our territory once he’s gone. Being the next second in command, I can’t keep who I am buried when I’m around you. I’m a mage. Magic flows through my veins. If you don’t recover from this, then I don’t know how we are going to make it work.”
I took a sharp intake of breath. “That’s simple. We don’t.”
“That’s not–”
“What you want or were going to say,” I finished for him. “There’s no sugar coating this, Lorenzo. If I can’t handle who you are, then we can’t be together. I’ll let this go for tonight since given the circumstances...” my sentence trailed off as I struggled to find the words. “I can’t storm out. I can’t be alone right now. I need you. Your magic is gone and I can hold you without being unsettled by the power that usual radiates from your skin. I get tonight is a onetime deal... I just wish we h
ad more time...”
I heard Claire’s voice echo my last sentence. The ache in my heart grew larger, like a black hole. The world started to crumble to pieces around me, being devoured by that abyss.
Lorenzo held me to stop the world from falling apart. “Relax, sweetheart. Just close your eyes, you’ll be alright. You’re safe and sound, no one can hurt you now.”
“There’s plenty of people out there that can hurt me, even you.”
“Joan, I will never intentionally hurt you. Everything I have done leading up to this point was out of love. I have been supportive. I have been there for you as much as I can, through thick and thin. Being given the position of second in command was out of my hands. It’s not something I can turn down. Like you, I live a double life, and seeking balance is difficult. Sometimes, circumstances outweigh what is most important to you. You’re precious to me, Joan. You always have been. But the coven–”
“Comes first. I get it. You don’t need to explain yourself.”
“Yes, I do. I need to make sure you know how much I love you.”
I bundled his shirt in my hand, feeling silent tears pour down my cheeks. “I know, Lorenzo. I know.”
“Please don’t be upset with me. I’m doing the best I can.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I sobbed, unable to keep my emotions hidden away any longer.
Lorenzo held me tighter as soon as the sobbing started. “You shouldn’t be the one who’s apologising.”
“But I’ll be the one who messes this up if I can’t get better. I’ll be the one who walks away because I won’t be able to hold you without feeling uneasy. I know magic is a part of who I am but mine is easy to ignore. Yours isn’t. You’re a powerful mage and I never expected you to give that up for me if this problem won’t go away. I wasn’t surprised when you told me you’d choose magic over me because I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now in the agency. I wouldn’t throw that away for love, not when the world needs saving.”
“If the problem around magic you’re facing is permanent, you won’t have to walk away, Joan. I can do that for you. I love you enough to let you go.”
“Don’t let me go, not tonight.”
“I promised I’d stay. I promised to hold you and comfort you tonight. I’m not going to break that promise, not for a second. I’ll give you all the time you need to move past your fear. We’ll take it slow, step by step. If it gets too much for you, we’ll stop.”
“But I don’t want to lose you,” I murmured against his chest.
“I want what’s best for you. I can’t force you to be comfortable around magic if it makes you uneasy. We can’t be in a relationship without any physical contact; you know that. These past six months without you by my side have been hard for me, and I know you struggled also. I don’t want to get into that position again, especially when the circumstances have changed. Let’s take your magic rehabilitation slowly and go from there.”
“Ok,” I replied, voice coming out strained.
“I love you.”
I held him tighter. “I love you, too.”
Everlasting Flame Page 31
