by Paul Hina
have a more romantic view of her?"
"Well, I certainly wouldn't describe her as a temptress. That hints at some kind of nefarious manipulation, and I don't see that in her at all."
"You prefer to think of what's happening between you two as something more emotional, and less about sex?"
"It's not about sex."
"So, you'd say there's no sexual desire?"
"I didn't say that."
"What kind of desire are we talking about then?"
"I just like being around her."
"Jacob, you're going to fall in love with that girl," David says, and as they walk across campus, their quiet, playful back-and-forth of a minute ago has suddenly become more serious. David's tone is different—serious and sincere. "Aren't you?"
"I don't know."
"I think you do know."
"Why are we even talking about this? I haven't done anything with Joelle. But you on the other hand—"
"What?"
"You can't drop a bomb like you did last week, walk away, and expect me not to bring it up later."
"I guess not."
"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"
"I'd say the exact same thing that's happening to you now was happening to me late last year," he says. They enter the café, and walk over to their usual table. "I was going through my own crisis around the fall, and I knew I had to do something to change the direction of my life.
"Clare and I... Well, things had just gotten so stale between us. We just hadn't done anything together since the kids had grown. When the kids were young, I always thought we would have this time—you know, when they were teenagers—to get away, to travel, or just to go to the movies once in a awhile. Something. But we don't do any of that. Outside of our brief conversations about the kids, we are little more than strangers. It's like we don't have a relationship anymore. And I'm not putting all the blame on Clare, believe me. It isn't any one person's fault. It just happens, slowly and imperceptibly, until one morning you wake up and you don't know who the woman sleeping next to you is anymore. It's almost like that Talking Heads song, the one where Byrne is singing, 'This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here?' We just stopped talking to each other, stopped being interested in one another's lives. She doesn't ask what's going on with me. I don't ask about her. It's no kind of marriage."
"I always got the impression that you guys got along great."
"Sure, we get along. What would we fight about? There's nothing between us. There's no surprises anymore."
"That happens," Jacob says as a way to quiet the conversation as the waitress approaches to take their orders.
After they order their lunches, she leaves the table.
"I know that you're coming from a different place than I was," David says. "You're looking for inspiration—which I still think is a rationalization, but that's besides the point. I wasn't looking for anyone at all. I knew I was unhappy, but it wasn't until I met someone that I realized why I was unhappy, and that I might be able to do something about it. Truth is, I discovered that I wanted someone that I could be new for. And I wanted someone to be new for me."
"And she's a student?"
"She is."
"And she was in your class when this started?"
"Yeah, but nothing happened until the end of the quarter."
"Nothing?" Jacob asks, feeling justified asking the kinds of questions that David wouldn't hesitate to ask him.
"Listen, all that matters is that she's not my student anymore."
"So, you're still having an affair with this girl?"
"I am."
"What do you plan to do about it?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I've been completely out of my head about all this. It's not like I enjoy hiding things, keeping secrets. There's no blueprint for any of this. It's all new to me."
"Why didn't you say something before?"
"I was ashamed, I guess. No one wants to say that their marriage is falling apart. Besides, I didn't think you'd understand. I'm not sure I understand. It's just one of those things that happens, and once it starts, things quickly get out of control."
"Do you love this girl?"
"I do."
"So, you're going to divorce Clare?"
"Are you kidding? I've known this girl for about six months. And even then, I see her so rarely because I'm still trying to avoid raising Clare's suspicions. I have no idea if this thing will last. She's twenty-two years old, Jacob. Hell, my daughter will be 18 in a couple months. To tell the truth, the whole things a little embarrassing
"But, God, she's beautiful—young and fit, and she is relentless in bed. I can't remember the last time that Clare and I... Not that we haven't tried to maintain some semblance of a sex life, but it's become more mechanical. It's passionless. It's all about keeping up the appearance of a marriage."
"Do you think you still love her?"
"That's the thing. I don't know if I ever loved her. I'm sure I must have at some point, but we've been strangers to each other for so long that I can hardly remember what it was about her I ever loved."
The waitress drops off their drinks.
"How long do you think you can keep this up?"
"I don't know. Lucy is leaving for college this fall, and William will be leaving for college in two years. I figure that's when I can end things with the minimum amount of guilt."
"Do you think you can wait that long? Will she wait that long?"
"We'll have to. I don't want to force this on my kids. Not yet. I want them to have at least the illusion of a home until they've left."
"But is it a happy home?"
"Listen, all this was really just a way for me to explain why I think you're making a mistake with Joelle."
"You’re such a hypocrite, David. Like I said before, nothing's even happened between us. Besides, you were the one that told me to open my eyes, that there were young, beautiful girls all over campus that could inspire me. Well, I opened my eyes and saw Joelle. And, honestly, I haven't felt this alive in years."
"You keep trying to pin this on me. I don't know why you're doing that, but you have to stop using me to make yourself feel less guilty. I simply said that you were surrounded by beautiful, young girls, and that you could use them if you needed to. Really, it was a throw away comment. I didn't mean anything more than for you to admire them from afar. I wasn't expecting any of this to happen."
"Neither was I."
"And if you're so keen on listening to my advice then I'm telling you now not to let what's happening to me happen to you."
"But if you could go back and prevent meeting this girl, would you?" Jacob asks.
"I guess not. But that's only from having the benefit of knowing how I feel about her now. I can't really answer that without considering all that's happened since then. But nothing's happened between you and Joelle yet. So, you can still stop it from happening."
"I don't feel like it's a matter of letting anything happen. It's already happening. Like you said, once it starts, there's no controlling it."
"You have to try to control it now. If you don't, it'll only become more difficult later. And you have a good marriage. Rachael is a good woman. She's good for you."
"Why are you taking such an interest in this? Why do you care so much about stopping this from happening?"
"Because I've known you long enough to know that you'll never forgive yourself if you let it go too far, especially if it means losing Rachael."
"David, I'm in a completely different scenario than you. You felt that you're marriage had already gone bad. It doesn't sound like there was anything for you to hold on to anymore. That's not how it is with Rachael and I. But, over the course of our marriage, we've come to understand the sacrifices that are made to keep things steady. We have always recognized how important our careers are to our happiness. It sounds sad, I know. But it's true.
"Before we got married, Rachael knew I wanted children. As fa
r as I knew, she wanted children too. But years went by while I waited for her to finish her PhD, and then whenever we talked about it, there was always some new impediment standing between us and starting our family. First it was finding a teaching job, and then it was getting tenure, and suddenly what I had hoped for, what I believed we'd have, was clearly never going to happen. I recognize that what I'm doing with Joelle is selfish, but Rachael is selfish too."
"Wow! That is a monster rationalization."
"Maybe, but, David, I need this girl. She's waking me up again. I desperately needed to wake up. I haven't written a decent poem in months and months. And Joelle has started to stir things in me that I haven't felt in a long time.
"The truth is, as distant as you're marriage has become, that has never been my problem. Certainly, Rachael and I don't talk the way we used to. Obviously, she's heard all my stories. I've heard all hers. And there's no question that our conversation has been pretty pedestrian as of late. But the problem I have is that neither one of us is working anymore to woo each other. I need that. I've realized I need the exhilaration of those beginning flirtations.
"And it's not about passion either," Jacob continues, "I can still be passionate with Rachael. I still find her attractive. But she doesn't need me, or desire to know all about me the way Joelle needs me, wants to know me. It's nice to know that there's someone out there who still wants to know who you are, someone out there to share yourself with again.
"And I know I'm rationalizing to make all this easier on myself. But I'm careful about knowing where that line is—the line of no return. I hope to maintain enough control that I never
