Why Murray had sent his only son with me was still a mystery. I knew little about Max, except that he thrilled in making me uncomfortable and was a man of many masks. He was smarter than he led on and always observant, but to be honest, I didn’t care to get to know him; I didn’t need his story. This trip wasn’t about making friends. I had one mission—one job. Rid Coleman of this world by avenging Cytos and all the people Coleman had taken from me.
All I wanted to do was see my revenge to its end. And after that, I didn’t care much about what happened to me; I just wanted it all to be over. The pain, the loss. It overwhelmed me every morning, waking up covered in my sweat from the nightmares that haunted me. If only time would stop torturing me so I could be done with it all.
The ocean depths were so crystal clear blue that I was reminded of him every time I looked out there—Kenzie. Even just thinking his name caused my chest to tense up. The pain was still there, it always would be. But mostly, it was the guilt—that he died and I lived. That Kyle died, and so did Byron. It should’ve been me.
Instinctively, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small star pendant, the twin to the one I wore around my neck. My vision glazed over before I felt Max’s stare. His eyes met mine and rage flickered across his face for only a second, as if he could sense the pain I felt, but he quickly composed himself as he looked away and kept petting Chevy.
Shoving the pendant in my pocket, I swiftly left the room with a scowl on my face. Chevy followed on my coattails. Sympathy was the last thing I needed from Max. I couldn’t stand the look he gave me when he thought I didn’t notice. The look of pity for what I was and what had happened to me. It made this all feel even more tragic than my own heart constantly conveyed.
Down the narrow hallway and up three flights of stairs, I found the Captain sitting in his usual spot, sipping a cup of tea. The crew worked away as they navigated the ever-changing waters around us. There were three rows of men at tablets and computers, each with their own task and job. In the center of the room were the main controls with a wheel that seemed to move on its own while a table of controls sat to its right. At the rear, a short ladder led up to the sealed deck. Two oversized chairs also leaned against the wall; the only things in the room not made of metal.
“Mornin’, Sawyer. And how are ya’, my boy?” Captain Lankey rubbed Chevy’s head as the pup leaned into him, eager for more pets. “Care for a cup of tea?”
“No, thanks.” I sat in the oversized chair beside him, curling my feet underneath me. “How much further?” The longing to leave this metal confinement was immense. I wanted to breathe real air for once.
“We be ‘bout three weeks travel away from home, my dear,” he said as he sipped the tea. His little pinky stuck out to the side in a soft, dainty manner. A sharp contrast to his tattered, black, patched-up coat and studded boots. His hat was the only immaculate thing on him, which I’d never seen him without. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he slept in it.
“Will we be able to surface anytime soon?” I asked.
“Aye, soon.” He smiled a toothless grin. “We be almost at the borders of the United Isles. There we’ll be safe to surface.”
“Good.” I slouched down, crossing my arms behind my head and enjoying the busy energy of the room. Most of my time was spent there, otherwise I found myself thinking about Kenzie and what had happened. A burden threatening to consume me at any moment. But it was hard to concentrate on any of that in a room like this so I spent as much time as possible surrounded by the noise and chaos. Beeps and small sirens sounded. The men were always chattering with their thick slang, making it hard to understand the words, let alone allow my mind to wander. I enjoyed it.
“How are ya’ likin’ yer accommodations? Suitable, I hope.” Captain Lankey took another sip of tea as Chevy squeezed his way in beside me.
“It’s a bed to sleep on. I can’t complain.” I shrugged as I squished over more to make room for the dog.
“And yer roommate?”
“He’s tolerable.” I drummed my fingers against the armchair.
“Full of anger that boy is! If he ain’t treatin’ ya’ right, let me know,” Lankey warned.
“Nah, he’s fine. Let’s just hope this friend of yours can help me fast. Then we can all part ways.” Max wanted to be here about as much as I wanted him around. Despite his constant teasing, it was clear he hated being here.
“Oh, you’ll be gettin’ the help ya’ need. Don’t ya’ worry yer pretty little head darlin’.”
As the days passed, I felt more and more uncertain that this wasn’t a huge waste of my time, going with Lankey to the United Isles. He was convinced his friend would be able to harness whatever my Carbon body held inside, but he kept tight-lipped about it all.
“So what is this friend of yours like?” I asked, trying to get any information out of him that I could.
“Oh, they’re quite amazin’ they are. Powerful beyond yer imagination, but kind and fair. We live by a code on the United Isles, a set of rules that we all abide by. Everyone plays a part in our community, and as long as ya’ stick to the rules, ya’ can stay as long as ya’ want.” He smiled.
“I’ll follow the rules, but I don’t plan to stick around for very long.” I huffed.
“I wouldn’t be so sure there, missy. Ya’ just might like it there.”
“Doubt it.”
Cytos was the only place I ever considered home, but it was gone along with everyone I’d ever loved. All I had left now were the memories and a promise I’d yet to fulfill.
After a few hours of sitting and watching the hustle and bustle of the ship while tossing a ball around for Chevy, I strolled over to the mess hall for a little food. It was mostly empty, so I sat at a table in the corner of the hall by myself. I filled two small bowls with the slop they called food, one for Chevy and one for me. Chevy pawed at it for a moment before hunger took over, and he licked the bowl clean. My nose scrunched up at the smell, and I began picking at the food but barely ate it. Eating wasn’t one of my top priorities lately. Though I had always been skinny and a little underweight, I knew what the lack of food was doing to me, but I didn’t care.
There was a bang across the hall as Max strutted in. His usual smooth grin hit me from across the room as he filled up a bowl full of slop. Amusement tugged at the corner of his mouth when I scowled back at him and he parked himself down across from me.
“Do you mind?” he asked.
“It’s a free world.” I shrugged.
He snorted. This was his usual game, finding any way to annoy me. Even sitting down across from me irritated me to no end, but I did my best to ignore him and returned to stirring my cold food.
We were both silent as Max moved his food around with his spoon for a few minutes before he let out a heavy sigh. Max placed the bowl onto the floor where Chevy was waiting eagerly to gobble it all down.
“I can’t eat any more of this garbage,” he grumbled.
“Keep your voice down,” I hushed.
“Oh, come on. It’s not like you’re eating it either. Everyone knows it sucks. I’m not saying anything you’re not already thinking.” He gestured to my still-full bowl, now cold from sitting for so long.
“We’re guests here. Show a little respect.” My voice was quiet but stern.
Max leaned into the table, surveying my body, my face, and my mouth. “Then you eat it,” he challenged me. “Eat more than one bite, and I’ll stop complaining.” He raised an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to piss me off, or if the hint of worry and pleading in his voice I detected was begging me to eat something. Anything. I’d been starving myself unintentionally, but it was hard to focus on things like eating when there was so much rattling my brain.
I didn’t look away, and I didn’t touch the spoon that still sat in my cold food. Crossing my arms, I settled in to wait him out, unwilling to let him win even one battle with me.
His shoulders slumped, and I realized worry ind
eed was hidden behind his feeble challenge. He pushed his chair back hard, clenching his jaw tightly, as he picked up the empty bowl from Chevy. “Didn’t think so. Looks like we’re both going to starve to death in this metal trap.”
I rolled my eyes, “I’ll be fine. You’re the one who will suffer, not me.”
He swaggered around the table and leaned in so close that his breath tickled my neck, but I didn’t flinch or look away. His gaze swept from my head to my toes once again. “I’m not the one who needs to save a dying world. I don’t need to be in peak condition or feed a body that isn’t quite human. I’m not the one who’ll suffer. Everyone else will if you don’t stop moping around and feeling sorry for yourself.” His cold glare was like ice in my veins as he stepped away. With a slight smirk, he spun on his heels and left before I’d even blinked, leaving a shudder down my spine.
His words rang in my ears, “a body that isn’t quite human.” I was a Carbon now, no longer human, even though every instinct inside of me was wired to protect humans, not hurt them. That was why they all looked at me differently, why Max looked at me with prying eyes as if he was trying to figure out what exactly I was. I was different, yet I found myself forgetting that at times.
But I wasn’t a hero anymore. I was no longer someone or something to be proud of. There was a monster living inside of me, waiting to break free. And the weight of everything he said was the reason I hadn’t slept in weeks or eaten in days. I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to be better. But every time I thought of it, the guilt and pain took over, and I could barely breathe without breaking down. I often wondered what Kenzie would think if he saw me, or if he knew what I was—what I had become. Would he look at me like he used to? Or would he look at me with disgust for what I let happen to me? What I let myself become?
Chevy sat at my side, pawing at my leg, as he looked up with worried eyes. I stroked his head as I looked at my bowl of slop with a groan. My hand quivered as I took a tentative bite and fought the gag threatening to bring the food back up. With a long, hard swallow, I took another bite and another—until the bowl was empty.
And I could’ve sworn I saw the door to the hall close a crack more than it had been before.
~
I was fighting back a yawn when I finally decided to call it a night. Scooping up a sleeping Chevy, I headed for what I was sure would be a restless sleep. The lights were off when I entered. Max was already in bed.
I turned on my side lamp and began to change into my nightwear before I heard a small rustling behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Max staring at me, his mouth open to say something, but the words seemed lost in the moment. The usual smirk returned as he rested his hands behind his head and leaned back into his pillow. He examined my body, his eyes following my slight curves and right through me, almost as if he could see down to my non-human heart.
A low growl escaped me at the sight of his prying stare.
“If you didn’t want me to look, you wouldn’t have turned on the light.” He shrugged, but he didn’t look away. His eyes flickered to the bare skin on my shoulders and then back to my face.
My pillow hit him square in the face, a little harder than I intended.
“Okay, okay. Just hurry and turn off that light. Some of us are trying to sleep here.” He scowled with a little smile before he tossed my pillow back. He rolled away from me with a huff, pulling the blankets over his head.
I stifled a snide remark, not giving Max what he wanted—a reaction. He’d been doing it since we arrived, trying to get under my skin. Analysing me like some puzzle he was trying to solve. And he had … gotten under my skin
I flicked off the light as I lay down in my bed. Chevy softly pawed at the covers and I pulled them back so he could curl up underneath.
~
Cold sweat rolled over my body as I watched, over and over again as he died. The scene replayed in my memory like a broken record, and no matter how many times I tried to will my body to move, I was stationary. Stuck in the same spot, watching the man I loved die repeatedly. This was the same dream that haunted me most nights. Sometimes the image felt so real I’d wake up screaming his name, but it made no difference. He never came back, and I never saved him.
I strained, begging my body to move, just one step closer to him, and maybe I could save him. Maybe this time it would be different. If only I could get whatever was holding onto me to let go. I finally looked behind me, and my heart hit the pit of my stomach. Holding onto my other arm, preventing me from moving forward toward Kenzie, was me. I gripped onto my wrist with one lazy hand and shook my head. I knew I wasn’t going to let go. I tried kicking at the hand holding on to my wrist, clawing at the fingers to get them to release, but they held on tight. As I turned back around, it was already too late. Kenzie lay motionless on the cold ground once again. I screamed out in frustration as I was suddenly jolted awake.
My hand was around his throat before I realized where I was.
“Sawyer…it’s me…” Max’s voice sounded with struggle against my hand clamped around his throat.
As my mind focused, I swore under my breath and released my hand from his neck. He coughed as his lungs filled up once again with air. His eyes searched me, scanning for whatever might have caused me so much pain. But my pain was deep inside, and he’d never see it.
With a wince, I noticed the bright red mark around his neck that was sure to produce a bruise.
“Sorry, I didn’t—” I sat up, not sure what to do.
“Yeah, I know.” He coughed again. “Another nightmare. Just like every night.” Max sat on his cot, rubbing his neck as he tilted his head side to side.
“I—” No words escaped me as my mouth gaped open. “Next time, don’t try to wake me.” I said, a little colder than I intended.
“I normally don’t. But this time you sounded…hurt. It was worse than normal, wasn’t it?” His voice was soft as he looked me over once more.
I nodded, not wanting to relive it again or reveal what was keeping me up every night.
Max sighed as he lay back on his pillow, wincing a little at his already stiff neck.
Guilt poured through me. “I really am sorry.” I breathed.
“Just try to get some sleep…so I can too.” Max rolled over away from me.
Even though I closed my eyes, I knew sleep wouldn’t reach me again.
Chapter 2
I must’ve dozed off because I woke to a wagging tail hitting my face. Groaning, I opened my eyes and stretched my arms. “Oh, sorry. Did we wake you?” Max smirked. He threw a treat to Chevy, who jumped down from my bed and sat on the floor, patiently waiting for more. Chevy had taken a liking to Max, unlike me. Max knew the way to the little dog’s heart … food.
With a stretch, I swung my feet over the edge of the bed, revealing my bare, pale legs that tingled from the cool air. Max glanced at them before I threw a blanket over my lap. “Thanks, Chevy.” I stifled another yawn. Chevy gave me a sideways glance before he returned his attention to Max for more.
Max tossed him another treat before he showed him his empty hands, “Sorry, boy. All out.” Max rubbed his head, and Chevy whined. “I’ll bring you more later. Maybe I’ll bring your grumpy owner one too.” He winked and then strolled out the room.
My glare followed him the whole way.
With a long yawn, I flopped onto my bed as Chevy sauntered over and jumped up, trying to lick my face. A soft chuckle reverberated in my chest as I pushed the dog away, recalling the first time I met Chevy and how he placed a slobbery, wet kiss across my cheek. Time seemed to slow all around me, and I was all too aware of the silence. How did it have the ability to sneak up on me without notice?
The nightmares haunted every hour of my day. Even in the daylight, I couldn’t shake them off. The horrors followed me like a shadow I couldn’t escape.
My chest ached as I squeezed the star pendant around my neck so tight it broke skin, but I didn’t let it go. I couldn’t until ever
y last one of them paid for what they’d done. The pain would linger on until I righted that wrong.
As I wiped away a tear, Chevy squirmed his way under my chin and whimpered. I could wipe away the tears from my eyes, but I couldn’t erase the pain in my heart.
~
Despite being stuck deep in the ocean with little room to move, I still found ways to get some training done. Within the depths of the ship, down by the boiler room where I didn’t let Chevy join me, a furnace room provided a space just big enough for me to train and exercise without scalding myself on the large, hot furnaces. I had burned myself a few times already but learned to be careful. Despite the lack of energy I felt, training at least felt natural and normal—it was my release.
I stood in the middle of the furnace room with sweat dripping down my body as the heat rose. It was nearly unbearable, but it helped me to stay focused on my training and prevent my mind from wandering.
My knife was in one hand, and my eyes were closed. Little sparks grew from the furnaces surrounding me, and every now and then, a larger spark flashed. I would swipe my knife at it as fast as I could, trying to slice it before the embers disappeared. It was a test of patience and accuracy. At first, I had started with my eyes open, but that had become too easy. I had graduated to closing my eyes and waiting for the telltale pop of a spark before I opened them to find the ember.
My mind was focused on the task at hand as I strained to hear the subtle, little pop, and then I attacked.
Once my body was attuned to the sound, I stood and closed my eyes. This small change had potentially painful consequences. If I was off-balanced, I risked falling against one of the furnaces. Even with my Carbon body, the burns would last awhile, and the pain would be intense, stinging on the inside long after the exterior wound disappeared.
Watcher (The Watcher Series Book 1) Page 23
