It was okay to cry.
The music switched and it was Matthew West’s “Strong Enough.” Mary Catherine sniffed and settled into her seat. Crying might have been allowed, but it wasn’t possible during Matthew’s song. She sang along, quietly at first. “ ‘You must, you must think I’m strong, to give me what I’m going through.’ ”
Then, to her surprise, Marcus began to sing, too. Louder and more off-key than her. “We’d make quite a duo for America’s Got Talent.” He was still holding her hand and now he winked at her.
It was impossible to stay sad around him. Plus the words to the song were too powerful. Okay, so she needed a heart transplant. And sure, not everyone on the list received one. Maybe she did only have a year left.
But she absolutely refused to use her days trying to stop falling, trying to see past the blackness. There would be time to cry, yes. But she had to believe in the message of the song. Especially with Marcus singing it at the top of his lungs beside her. That God was strong enough for her. Strong enough for Lexy.
After a minute, he released her hand and pretended to sing into a microphone. “I’m ready for Fifteen Minutes.”
From the backseat Lexy said her first words of the morning. “Maybe not yet.”
“Hey now.” He looked at her in the rearview mirror. “You barely know me.”
“Still.” Lexy sounded disgusted. But it was a start. A way to connect. A bridge they could maybe cross again later today.
The rest of the drive was upbeat, and Mary Catherine didn’t have to pretend to be okay. She actually felt it. Not until they reached the prison and started across the parking lot did Lexy hesitate. “I feel sick. Maybe we should turn back.”
Mary Catherine stopped with her and so did Marcus. The prison loomed in the near distance, a monolithic structure made of block walls and razor wire. Everything about it looked intimidating.
No wonder Lexy felt sick. She was probably terrified, something they’d gone over in training. Mary Catherine put her hand softly on Lexy’s shoulder. “Lexy, we’ll be with you.” The girl didn’t jerk away. Mary Catherine smiled. “You’ll be fine. I promise.”
“Yeah.” Marcus’s voice was light and easy. Another tool they’d picked up in training. “Besides, I can’t sing in there.” Marcus had removed his baseball cap and left it in his Hummer. He peered at Lexy, clearly trying to see past her walls. “It’s just a tour.”
Lexy gave him a rude look. “I know.” Whatever spurred her forward, she started walking again. “Come on.” She looked back at Mary Catherine. “We can’t be late. That’s one of the rules.”
They made their way past four security checkpoints, and then they were ushered into a large cement room with no windows and just one door. Tyler and Sami and the girl they were helping were already there. Sami had tried to meet the girl before today, but she hadn’t been willing to meet.
Which was too bad because, as it turned out, Sami and Tyler had Sierra Wayne’s friend. Alicia Grange. The girl was tiny with pale blond hair. She looked barely old enough to be in middle school, let alone fourteen. Grand theft and truancy? Mary Catherine hoped the program worked for the girl.
For all the girls.
Over the next ten minutes the room filled up until all six girls were present along with their chaperone volunteers. At exactly ten o’clock the door opened and six prison guards pushed their way in. All of them seemed angry and put out, upset they had to be there.
This was part of the plan. Mary Catherine knew it. So did all the volunteers. But it was another thing to see the angry guards coming at them. Mary Catherine had to remind herself that these were volunteers. That no matter how it looked in this moment, these men and women cared very much for the girls in the program.
As for the volunteers, they would be advocates for the teens, people the teens could turn to when the reality of the prison visit became too much. That was one of the differences between Last Time In and Scared Straight. The point was to build connections between the teens and the volunteers. That way the volunteers would have a better chance of helping the teens stay off the streets in the days and weeks, even years, to come. At least that was the hope.
Mary Catherine tried not to think about the years she might not have to influence Lexy.
The guards moved toward them. They had their clubs out, and two of them were slapping them against their hands. Here we go, Mary Catherine thought. She stood close to Marcus, with Lexy standing in front of them. Already she was shaking.
“Got a buncha girls wanna spend their lives in here, that right?” The biggest prison guard lunged forward so his face was inches from the first girl. “You wanna be here? You gonna be a career criminal, missy?”
“No.”
“That’s ‘No, sir’!” he screamed at her face. “Say it.”
“No, sir!” The girl’s voice could barely be heard.
“Louder!” He couldn’t have been more than an inch from her. “Say it louder!”
“No, sir! I don’t wanna be a career criminal, sir!”
The guard stepped back, his face an angry twist of knots. “That’s better.”
Mary Catherine had to remember to breathe. She could feel Lexy backing up, getting closer to her. Even in the first few minutes, Mary Catherine felt like the program was starting to work. Lexy was feeling a trust connection with her.
And the tour hadn’t even started.
The other prison guards stepped into the action. Each of them went to a different girl. A muscled guard moved up to Lexy.
“Your guy’s leader of the gang, right?”
Lexy didn’t answer. She cocked her head back, the way she’d done when Mary Catherine first met her.
“We got a smart one here, do we!” He moved closer to her. “You dating the leader of the gang? Talk to me, gang girl. You’ve got no rights in here.”
“He ain’t the leader yet.” Her words were soft, her eyes directed at the blank wall at the other end of the room.
“ ‘He’s not the leader yet. Sir’!” He enunciated each word for her.
Lexy put her hands over her ears. “He’s not the leader yet, sir.” She still didn’t sound very loud.
The officer towered over her, his physical presence intimidating to everyone in the room. “Next time you forget you’ll do pushups.”
For a brief moment, Lexy looked back at Mary Catherine. Terror flashed in her eyes. Mary Catherine nodded. Lexy had to obey. That was part of the program.
“Don’t look at your volunteer, gang girl.” He twisted his head so his face was almost up against hers. “I changed my mind. Next time is now.”
Lexy moved reluctantly to her hands and knees.
“You’re going to do pushups, gang girl. Hurry up!”
Mary Catherine knew this would be the hardest part. Watching the guards treat the kids like they were prisoners. It was part of the program. After all, if they kept on the way they were headed, they would wind up here. And this would be a part of their everyday life. Having a prison guard in their faces, ordering them to obey.
This treatment was important. But it was almost impossible to watch.
Lexy began doing pushups. She was stronger than she looked. Mary Catherine would’ve guessed the girl wasn’t quite ninety pounds. But her arms were strong.
Meanwhile, down the line the other guards questioned the teens. Some were being forced to do jumping jacks. Others looked terrified. One girl had to march to the opposite wall and back. Four of the six were crying by the time the guards stepped back and folded their arms. Lexy was one of those.
“Time for your fellow inmates. You make it back here, and these women will become your family. Your best friends.” It was the first guard. He was still bellowing, still lunging toward the girls with every other word. “You don’t wanna know everything they’ll become to you.” He looked at his fellow gu
ards. “Right?”
“You don’t want to know.” One of the guards shook her head.
“We’ll let them tell you.” The shortest officer walked to the door. “Follow me.”
Marcus put his hand on the small of Mary Catherine’s back as they walked with Lexy into the hallway and down a corridor. On the way they passed a row of cells and every one they passed was teeming with angry women.
The inmates pressed up against the bars, shouting obscenities and gesturing to the girls. Mary Catherine wanted to turn back. She could only imagine how Lexy and the other girls must feel. Please, God . . . let this work. It’s so hard. Please speak to Lexy at the depths of her soul.
At the end of the corridor there was another room—this one much larger. At least it appeared that way through the window. The short guard turned and faced the group. “This is where you meet your new friends.” She unlocked the door.
All around the room, the guards unlocked the doors of the smaller cells and the inmates joined the group in the open space. The area had four cement tables, built into the floor, each of them with attached cement benches.
Otherwise the room was empty.
Sixteen prisoners came out and started walking toward them. The collective anger from them was like a physical force. Something Mary Catherine had never experienced before. She was tempted to put her hand on Lexy’s shoulder but that wasn’t allowed. The volunteers were supposed to be a presence of shelter, safety. Hope, even.
But they weren’t supposed to interfere.
Suddenly Lexy crumpled to the ground. “No!” She turned around and glared at Mary Catherine. “You didn’t tell me!” she shouted at the closest guard. “How come no one told me?”
Marcus took Mary Catherine’s hand again. “Pray,” he whispered to her.
“I am.” She had no idea what was happening. But the meltdown seemed to be caused by an inmate walking straight for Lexy.
A woman who looked almost exactly like her.
“No, Mama, no! You can’t do this!” Lexy started to turn around and run for the door.
But the guard caught her by the arm and turned her back around. “What’s the matter, gang girl? Didn’t you think you’d see your mama here? You wanna be just like her, right?”
Mary Catherine felt the blood leave her face. Lexy had said that her mother was in prison. But Mary Catherine had no idea the woman was in this prison. Mary Catherine felt sick. This was turning out to be the worst idea ever.
“No!” Lexy was still trying to run.
This time the prison guard lowered his voice, as threatening as he could sound. “You keep throwing a fit and I’ll lock your mama back up. Then you won’t see her at all.”
Lexy grew calmer. Tears streamed down her face as her mother approached. For a brief few seconds, Mary Catherine wondered if the woman was going to start crying, too. She looked upset. But then, just like the other inmates, she came to Lexy and started yelling.
“Don’t cry, little girl. This ain’t a place for tears,” Lexy’s mother snarled at her. “Last time I saw you, you was all sweet and pretty.” She jabbed a finger close to Lexy’s face. “Now look at ya! You a gang girl now, Lexy. That it? All cool, hanging with the boys.” The woman couldn’t have been very old. She looked like Lexy’s older sister.
“Stop it, Mama.” Lexy turned her head, her body convulsing with sobs. “I hate you! Leave me alone!”
Mary Catherine felt tears in her own eyes. The scene was too disturbing. Lexy clearly didn’t know she’d see her mother here. Let alone have her mama turn on her this way.
“No, little girl!” Her mom shouted louder. “I will not leave you alone!” Her mom moved so she could get her face up close to her daughter’s. “You wanna be here with me, I’ll show you what it’s like.”
Her mom rattled off a list: the danger of showers, the way young inmates could get owned by older inmates. The way inmates could sell the young ones to other inmates for a pack of cigarettes.
“You hear that, daughter!” Lexy’s mother yelled. “A pack of cigarettes!” She practically spat in Lexy’s face. “You want this. Don’t forget it!”
Lexy looked ready to faint. She was sobbing and only every so often did she manage to say anything. “Please, Mama. Stop it!”
Mary Catherine could feel her heart breaking. There was a reason for all this. But watching Lexy’s mom shout at her, yelling at her mercilessly, was more than Mary Catherine had planned for. Only one thing could be worse than this sort of prison tour.
Coming here forever.
ASPYN AND JAG had hovered over the prison tour from the beginning. It was the ugliest hour they’d spent on earth.
“I’m going to see the girl’s mother.” Aspyn nodded at Jag. “She’s back in her cell already. You all right by yourself?”
“Go ahead.” Jag looked like he understood. His job was to keep Marcus and Mary Catherine safe.
Instantly, Aspyn was an orderly ready to clean up after the prisoners. Her uniform was light blue and she had a mop bucket. She walked out of a janitor’s closet and past a few cells to the one where Lexy’s mother was. The woman was alone, her back to the others.
She was crying.
Aspyn slipped into the cell and shut the door behind her. “What’s wrong, Camila?”
The woman spun around. Everything angry and hateful about the way she’d looked earlier was gone. She took a step back. “Who are you?”
“I’m new.” Aspyn had one hand on her mop. “Gotta clean up. But I heard you crying.”
It took a minute for Camila Hernandez to believe she wasn’t in danger, that Aspyn didn’t want anything from her. Aspyn started moving the mop slowly over the floor. So she wouldn’t raise Camila’s suspicions. This moment was for Camila alone.
“You didn’t answer me.” Aspyn moved her mop slowly in a circle between them. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Camila melted against the back wall of her cell. “My girl . . . she was in there. I haven’t . . . seen her in so many years.”
Aspyn slowed the mop. “You wanted to be with her, right?”
“I did.” She covered her face with her hands. “I love her so much. I never stopped loving her. This is the last place I wanna see her.”
Aspyn and Jag had figured this was going to happen. They knew Lexy’s mother was an inmate here. And now Aspyn felt herself hurting for Camila. “You’re doing the right thing. Don’t give up.” Aspyn set the mop aside and went to Camila. She took hold of the woman’s hands. “Write your daughter a letter. Do it now. Do you have paper and a pen?”
The woman sniffed. “I do.” She pulled a small plastic box from beneath her bunk. “In here.”
“You write it. I’ll make sure she gets it.” Aspyn took a step back. “Your daughter will know you love her.”
“I miss her so much.” Camila allowed another wave of tears. “I wanted to run up and hug her. I missed . . . everything. All her growing up years. I’m the worst mama ever.”
“No.” Aspyn wanted Camila to hear her. “You’re doing everything you can to keep her out of this place. That makes you a loving mother.”
Camila shook her head. “She’ll hate me forever.”
“Write the letter.” Aspyn needed to go. Lunch would be over soon and she couldn’t be caught.
For a long time Camila only stared at the paper and pen. Then she sniffed and nodded. “I will.” She lifted hesitant eyes to Aspyn. “Can you help me?” She looked embarrassed. “I’m not . . . that good a writer.”
Aspyn felt her heart melt. “Yes.” She took the paper and pen from Camila. “Tell me what you want to say.”
“Okay. I’ll try.” The woman struggled to find the right words, but in the end the message was all hers. Camila seemed calmer. “You’ll make sure she gets it?”
“I promise.”Aspyn hesitated. “You
ever pray, Camila?”
“I want to learn.”
“There’s a Bible study once a week in your cell block. Did you know that? Monday nights.”
“I never go.”
“Start.” Aspyn smiled at her. “God has plans for you, Camila. Even now. Even here.”
The woman looked dazed. Like the news was hard to believe. Aspyn couldn’t wait another minute. She nodded. “I’ll get the letter to Lexy.”
With that Aspyn stepped out of the cell and back into the closet, and disappeared.
25
MARY CATHERINE WANTED NOTHING more than to take Lexy in her arms and comfort her. The poor girl. The day was dragging on, but Lexy never recovered from seeing her mother as one of the inmates. After lunch it was more of the same, and by the time the prison tour was finished, Lexy looked like she might pass out.
Tyler and Sami’s girl also spent most of the day crying. If Mary Catherine had to guess, she doubted the girl would ever steal again. School probably looked like a dream vacation compared with this.
Marcus stayed by Mary Catherine’s side as they ushered Lexy through the main space and into the corridor. They were halfway to the holding room where they’d started when a woman mopping the floors stopped Mary Catherine. “I got something for you.”
“What?” She stopped. The woman looked familiar, but she couldn’t place her.
“Here.” The orderly kept her eyes averted. She handed Mary Catherine a folded piece of notepaper. “This is for Lexy.” Then the woman put her head down and kept mopping.
The group was still moving, so Mary Catherine had no choice but to keep walking. “Did you see that?” she whispered to Marcus.
“What?” He looked behind them and back at her.
“That woman. She was mopping the floor.” Mary Catherine held up the letter. “She handed me this. Said it was for Lexy.”
Marcus looked back again. “There’s no one there.”
“She was just—” Mary Catherine turned around and stopped for a second. “Where is she? She handed me the note like five seconds ago.”
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