Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Epilogue
Afterword
I. Bonus: A Christmas Just For Us
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
About the Author
Say You Need Me is a publication by SVM Publishing
Copyright © 2018 SVM Publishing
Author: Stefanie van Mol
Cover Design: Danielle Dickson at Vixen Designs
Translation: Jen Minkman
Interior Formatting: Abigail Davies at Pink Elephant Designs
First published in 2018
All rights reserved. No parts of the book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author, except for inclusion of brief quotations in a review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, establishments, organizations, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously to give a sense of authenticity. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
To my readers,
After all your positive feedback on Say You Want Me I realized who I am doing this for.
Thanks to you I can pour my creativity into these books, and if there ever is a moment in which I stop believing in myself, you are all there for me.
I can’t thank you enough for that.
I’m doing this for all of you.
Thanks for your support!
Five years ago
Camille
Who would ever have guessed that hearing the door slam shut after both Jonathan and Vincent stormed out would not be the most painful moment of my life? That day, it felt as though someone had torn my heart out and cut it up into a thousand pieces right before my eyes. Even though I knew I’d taken the right decision, I still hadn’t expected my feelings for Jonathan to run so deep after such a short time. And Vincent... he was my best friend. Even though I could understand why he wouldn’t back my decision, I had at least hoped he’d give me a chance to talk to him and explain. So he would see that the decision I made was tearing me apart too, but that it was the only right one.
But no – that day turned out not to be the worst day of my life. I still remember it like it was yesterday. When Jonathan stormed out of the room, I thought my life would be changed forever. And when Vincent left after that, I felt so alone. Helpless and hopeless. But now, one week after Jonathan left me, my entire world has been turned upside down once again. Life will truly never be the same. And the only one I have to blame for it is myself. There’s just one choice left to me. No matter how much I want to protect Jonathan, I can’t keep this from him.
My hand is shaking so badly that I almost drop the piece of paper with his phone number on it. After that fateful day I erased Jonathan’s number from my contacts so I’d never be tempted to call him on my cell again. Every last trace of him is gone from my life: I deleted his texts, his number, all the selfies I took of him and me, every picture of him... Every last bit of what even remotely reminded me of him is gone from my life. It’s the only way I know to protect myself, because I knew I’d fall back on him in difficult times. But I can’t – I made my choice. I can’t allow him to choose me over his music. His music is his life.
When I first found out, I drove to his parents’ place. Of course I didn’t tell them what my reason for visiting them was. They had questions, of course, but all I did was make it clear to them that I had to talk to Jonathan urgently. When they both gave me sad looks, I knew that what they were about to tell me wouldn’t be good news.
They told me he had left the country.
Full Moon is on tour and he packed up and left without saying goodbye. Without another word. I felt the gaping hole in my heart open all over again. But could I really blame him after the way we broke up? He probably thinks I’m the meanest bitch in the world. That I set him up and seduced him just so I could save his brother. But I didn’t. I just used the opportunity to make him think I loved Vincent so he’d draw his own conclusions and I wouldn’t have to try so hard to make him forget about me.
Fortunately I was able to convince his parents to give me his number again. And so I’m reaching out now. I key in his number on my cell and wait. The first ring cuts right through my heart, and so does the second and the third. Just when I think no one is going to answer, Joe’s voice pipes up on the other end of the line. “Hello?”
“Hi Joe, its’ Camille. Could I speak to Jonathan, please?”
“He’s busy right now,” Joe informs me. “The boys are recording. Can I pass on a message?”
“Joe, I appreciate he’s really busy, but what I have to tell him isn’t something I want anyone else but him to hear.”
I hear Joe sigh irritably. “Camille, I’ll tell him you called. He’ll call you back if he has time.”
“Can you tell him it’s really important?”
“Will do. See ya, Camille.”
Before I can stress again how important it is for me to talk to him, he’s hung up. I stare at my cell incredulously.
Well, it’s all out of my hands now. I tried. All I can do now is hope for him to call me back. How I will break the news to him, I have no idea. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
For the next couple of days I watch my cellphone like a hawk. I keep it close wherever I go. But nothing happens. No missed calls, no texts, nothing at all. Radio silence. Of course I understand I’ve hurt him like hell, but I hadn’t expected him to completely ignore me.
After a few days I pucker up the courage to call him again. If he chooses to ignore my pleas, the only thing I can do is try again. I have important news and can’t sit around waiting for him to reach out to me. It’s Joe who answers the phone yet again.
“I’m sorry, Camille, I tried to make him call you back,” he says. “But Jonathan wants nothing to do with you anymore.”
That pushes me to go for shock value.
“In that case, maybe you can take the time to pass on a message?” I say angrily. “Just tell him that I’m pregnant and if he wants to be involved in the life of his child he should call me back.”
I click off, fuming. I can only hope that will push him to call me back. It’s what I expect him to do. After everything he’s been through with his own parents, I can’t believe he’d abandon his own child.
But after another few days of silence, it’s becoming painfully clear to me that he’s not interested in being there for his child. He wants nothing to do with either me or our child, because my phone doesn’t ring. I’m all alone. But I know very well that I can’t do this alone, so I do the only thing I can think of. I reach out to the only other man who has ever been there for me. The man who would never let me down.
I can only hope h
e won’t turn his back on me and my unborn child.
Present Day
Jonathan
My eyes open to a slit and I immediately regret it. A pounding headache in my temples reminds me of the party we had yesterday. I moan as I think of it and even making that sound hurts my head. Max thought it would be a good idea to celebrate our return to Belgium by throwing a party. Well, it was a memorable gathering. Lots of booze and we were received like true heroes. We have a lot of fans here in Belgium who kept following our careers, and coming back home was like a warm bath to me. This is where everything started.
We partied and tanked down those beers all night long. I’ll be honest: of course I enjoyed all the attention. That’s why we’re all in this. Sure, musicians will tell you it’s not about the fame and admiration, but I call bullshit on every single one of them. They’re just not cock-sure enough to admit it. Well, let’s just say I no longer have any trouble with being arrogant anymore. I have learned to be honest about what I like about being in a band in the past few years.
My thoughts come to a screeching halt when I feel someone stir next to me. Shit – I don’t remember bringing someone home last night. And I definitely don’t remember what happened next. Which is a clear sign of the fact that the person next to me didn’t exactly rock my world.
I look over my shoulder and see the long, blonde curls of the girl next to me. She’s still fast asleep. I carefully lift the sheet we’re both still under, and sure enough, we are both naked. Naked like the day we were born. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and sit up straight. Then I plant my elbows on my knees and rest my head in my hands. Seems like I’m picking up old habits again. This is what I used to do during the first few months after I left Camille.
Fuck – just thinking her name is painful.
Every time I think of her and that fateful day is like a dagger through the heart. You’d think time heals all wounds, but not in my case. At first, I was mostly upset. Angry with her for toying with my heart like that. Why would anyone do something like that? If she wanted my help to save my brother, all she had to do was ask. She didn’t need to pretend she was in love with me. And then I got angry with myself for being so blind, so eager to believe in fate. The way she just happened to be at that concert... I should have seen through her the minute she told me who she was. She knew, all this time, and she didn’t tell me. That should have raised a red flag. But no – I chose to be blindsided by my feelings for her. I’d always felt about her that way but I never acted on it because of my brother. I imagine he’s really happy with Camille in his life now.
The first few months after we left Belgium, I had a different girl in my bed every night. I tried to fuck the pain away. You’d think it would have helped me to forget about Camille, but no. Every new girl made me think: Camille used to do it like this, Camille tasted different, Camille has a different smell... no matter how many women I dragged into my bed, not a single one could compare to her.
Thanks to Full Moon being quite famous it was never a problem to find a different girl every night. Which is a good thing, because I vowed to myself never to let it happen again. After Camille disappeared from my life, all I have allowed myself are one-night-stands.
It’s been five years, but I still remember it like it was yesterday. Five years ago, my life was changed forever. That was the day I stalked out the door of that hospital room, never to look back. I didn’t just shatter the glass in the door – I shattered my own heart. I felt so much anger right then that I couldn’t cope. And until this day I still don’t understand why things happened the way they did. Why? I ask myself that question every single day. It has haunted me through the years and I’m still not any closer to answering that question now.
Why did Camille pretend she was in love with me? She could have told me about my brother’s illness straight away. Did she really think I’d refuse to help him? I know I wasn’t exactly close with my family, but that doesn’t mean I’m a heartless jerk! Of course I would have helped my brother. She didn’t need to tug at my heartstrings to pull me over the threshold. Again I feel the anger surge. Just thinking of her or hearing her name is enough to make it flare up.
When the band received an offer to play a number of shows abroad, the week after that terrible day, I didn’t hesitate. I think I was the first one to say I was on board. It took us a while to arrange it, but touring abroad was an easy decision for all of us. We have been away for so long, only coming back to Belgium for the odd month in between. For holidays, mostly, and those periods were the worst for me.
I’d spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve in the house I had bought just before we left. It was better for me, in a way. By staying there I wasn’t tempted to visit Camille or my brother and make it clear to them what my opinion of them was. I haven’t talked to either of them up till this day and they haven’t reached out to me either. And if it’s up to me, that won’t change anytime soon.
But now we are back in Belgium for good, and to be honest it has taken me every last ounce of self-control to not contact Camille straight away. Despite everything, I want to know where she is and what her life has been like in the past five years. Is she still together with my brother? Are they happily married? Do they have pets and a cute little home? Do they have two point four children – in other words, are they the most average family you can imagine?
I have to stop thinking about it, have to stop torturing myself like this. Secretly I hope their love didn’t last, that they’re both deeply unhappy. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: surely he doesn’t mean that. The hell I do! After the way they treated me I have no respect left for them. Frankly, I don’t want to know how they’re doing – I want to know why they did what they did. I deserve some answers.
I’m not the same Jonathan I was back then – living as a rock star has changed me for good. People who want to stay on good terms with me have learned to do things my way by now. After the whole drama with Camille and my brother, I’ve decided to take no shit from anyone anymore. It’s my way or the highway, and if people don’t like it, they have no place in my life.
At the moment, the whole band is staying in a hotel for the next series of concerts. It’s easier than to drive up and down to my house every day. When I throw another glance over my shoulder, I see Blondie is still sleeping. Which makes it easier for me to leave without comment. I can’t go back to sleep anymore, I know that much. I get out of bed and walk toward the closet to take out sweatpants and a T-shirt. While putting them on, I sneak another look at the blonde girl and grin when it occurs to me I probably wore her out so completely last night that she’s still recovering now. She hasn’t even noticed that I slipped out of bed.
I text Joe to tell him about my ‘situation’. He’ll make sure she’s gone by the time I get back. It means I’ll have to listen to his rants about him being disappointed in me again, about how he’s not some private bouncer for my one-night-stands, but honestly I don’t give a fuck right now. Besides: I know he’s only too willing to be a shoulder to cry on for the girls I dispose of. If anything he should be grateful. Without me he wouldn’t have a sex life.
Standing in front of the door I slip my feet into my running shoes and reach for my MP3-player, which is lying on the table next to the door. Maybe a long running session will be able to get my mind back on track. I shut the door behind me, pop in my earbuds, and take off. I hope this will set my mind at ease.
Five years ago
Vincent
I‘ve been insufferable all week and I know it. I still can’t believe what happened back in the hospital. I won’t lie: that kiss with Camille was everything I ever dreamed of. I’ve had a crush on that girl ever since I was a boy. And when her soft, red lips caressed mine, I was utterly lost. I allowed myself to be swept away. Because it wasn’t just any girl – it was Camille. She’s the girl for me. The girl I’ve dreamed and fantasized about for years. The girl I always secretly hoped would be mine one day.
Seein
g her and my brother together... I don’t think there are words to describe how much that hurt. When I got very sick and the doctor told me there was a good chance Jonathan would be a suitable donor, it all seemed so simple. Camille promised she’d visit him and make him want to help me. I warned her that it was a bad idea and nothing good would come of it, but as usual, Camille was being as stubborn as a mule. Once that girl gets something into her head, there’s no way to talk her out of it. She gives it her all. But the way things ended now were worse than I even I had been able to anticipate. This was hell on earth.
Of course she had to fall for him. Or maybe she already did way back when. We all grew up together and I saw the way she always put him on a pedestal. That look of deep admiration was always in her eyes whenever Jon was around. She’d never looked at me that way. So when the opportunity presented itself to kiss her, I didn’t think twice – I just took the plunge. I’m just a man, after all. And those few seconds her lips were pressed to mine, it felt as though everything would work out for me. But of course Jonathan had to come in at that exact moment.
I still don’t understand why Camille couldn’t just tell him the truth. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. So many emotions had played up before that I didn’t know what I was doing when she came on to me. Because no matter what, I’m not some asshole eager to seduce his brother’s girlfriend. That’s not how I tick. We may have been out of touch for years, but I’d never stoop that low.
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