Hundreds of people have gathered in front of the church. Most of them are unfamiliar to me. There’s also a horde of Full Moon fans, but they’re behind barriers to one side and there are police officers to keep anyone who isn’t invited out.
Walking into the church feels surreal. When we walk down the aisle, sympathetic faces greet us left and right, some people pat us on the shoulder or offer their condolences. They’re all trying to be there for us in some way or the other.
Once we reach the chancel, I gasp for breath when I see the white coffin. A large wreath of red roses adorns the top. Next to the coffin is an easel with a photo of Vincent printed on canvas. It’s a photo taken on the beach. Vincent looks so happy in it, a broad smile gracing his face. It’s an image I will forever hold dear, because that is how I knew Vincent. He would always keep his head high, always take whatever hurdle he’d encounter on his path. Even when he had leukemia, he stayed optimistic. He did everything in his life with pride and confidence. And that’s how I want to remember him – I want to forget the images that have plagued me for the past few days. Of him dying in a puddle of blood.
The first sob breaks out of me before I can stop it. Jonathan wraps his arm around me and helps me to the first row of benches, where seats have been reserved for us.
Together with the other band members, we wait for the other mourners to take their seats. The entire church service goes by in a blur. When it is almost over, it’s time for me to step up and address the gathering. Jonathan was opposed to it, but I insisted on saying a few words. I’m sure I will forever regret it if I don’t. I know I have to do this. For Vincent.
I wrote down everything to make sure I wouldn’t forget what I want to say. I get up with the crumpled paper with my speech in one hand. I walk up the steps and put it down on the dais.
“My dear Vincent. If only I could hear your voice one last time. Or hold you and embrace you. If only I could thank you for saving my life, time and again. You were the one who was there for me when I was in trouble, whether it was me scaling a tree I couldn’t get out of when I was six years old, or me discovering I was pregnant. If only I could let you know how much Maxim is going to miss you. You were the man he looked up to for the past five years. He’ll have to...”
I can’t continue. My tears are freely running down my face now and I can’t get the rest of the words out. Jonathan rushes forward. He comes to stand next to me and his arms is around my shoulders. Jonathan knows how much I wanted to finish my speech. I see him struggle, but at last he says goodbye to his brother with his own words, in his own way.
“Vincent... I had the chance to save you once. After many years of silence between us, I seized the chance to save your life. The day I found out I was a suitable donor for you was one of the happiest days of my life. Unfortunately, this time I couldn’t save you. The only thing I can do is honor your final request to me. My dear brother, I promise you I’ll take care of Camille and Maxim, no matter what happens. Someday... someday we’ll see each other again. Goodbye, Vincent.”
Present day
Jonathan
The past few weeks were tough. After Vincent’s funeral, Camille and Maxim moved in with me. After a short break, the band and I committed to finishing our national tour. Camille quit her job at the coffee bar and is now a full-time mom for Maxim.
I see how guilt is eating away at her. Camille feels responsible for what happened, even though it makes no sense, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to convince her otherwise.
I just dropped off Maxim with some of my band members, where he’ll be picked up by Karen later on. She’s babysitting tonight so I can spend the evening alone with Camille.
When I step inside, I notice just how quiet the house is. I walk upstairs and go into our bedroom, where Camille is sitting on the edge of the bed. She’s clutching a photograph of Vincent in her hand. Carefully, I sit down next to her and take the photo out of her hand. When she looks up at me, she starts to cry desperately. I realize this may be exactly what she needs. She always tries to stay strong for Maxim, but that way she doesn’t allow herself to mourn.
I lose track of time while sitting here with Camille, but I give her all the time she needs. When she finally stops crying, I slip my finger under her chin and lift her face to mine. Her eyes are red-rimmed and full of tears, and yet I get the feeling that she is looking right through me, into my soul.
I softly press my lips to hers. Slowly, I run my tongue over her mouth, waiting for her to let me in. When she opens her mouth at last, I carefully enter her. All emotions of the past weeks are swept up in the erotic dance of our tongues.
My hands slide up to her head and I deepen the kiss. As soon as her hands caress my body as well, I know that she needs this. She needs to know that I am here for here in this moment.
I lower her onto the bed and start to unbutton her blouse, trailing my fingers over her bra, down to her stomach and past it, to the hem of her skirt. Camille lifts her hips off the bed and I pull her skirt up to her waist. Then, I hook my thumbs around the edge of her panties, but I look at her, asking her for permission with my eyes before I proceed. She meets my gaze and I see the complete trust in her eyes when she nods. I slowly pull down her panties, then lift her up to position her in the middle of the bed.
Her eyes are riveted on me while I strip. I crawl onto the bed and she spreads her legs to give me room. Positioning myself in front of her, I enter her inch by inch, my gaze never leaving hers. Once I’m completely inside of her, I sweep the hair from her face and kiss her softly.
“I love you,” I say quietly.
“I love you too.”
Camille moans when I start to move in and out of her. A tear rolls down her cheek and I kiss it away. “From now on I’ll be there to catch you when you fall, Camille. Let it go.”
My hand slips down, between us, so I can stroke her clit in small circles. I feel her contracting around my shaft.
“Now, Camille,” I whisper.
She climaxes with a loud grunt, and I hold her as promised. I’ve lost her once before – I’m never going to let it happen again.
With that thought, I tumble over the edge and follow her. This is our fresh start, and from now on I will do everything in my power to protect her and Maxim.
One year later
Camille
Jonathan comes to stand next to me and takes my hand. His fingers entwine with mine and he reassuringly pumps my hand.
“Come on, Camille,” he encourages me. “I know you can do it. Only a few more and he’ll be there.”
With all the strength I have in me I push. It’s been six years since I gave birth to Maxim and I’d forgotten just how damn painful it all was. “Aaaaah!”
Exhausted, I slump backward. A few seconds later, I can hear my son’s first cries. Jonathan kisses my sweaty forehead.
“You did it, Camille. He’s here. Good job.”
The nurse comes toward us and places our newborn son in my arms. The little bundle of joy immediately takes my breath away.
“Congratulations,” the nurse says with a happy face. “What’s the little guy’s name going to be?”
Jonathan and I look at each other, both with tears in our eyes. He nods at me encouragingly. We’ve hesitated for such a long time, but now that our son is here, in my arms, I know for sure that the name we picked fits him perfectly.
“Vincent,” I say.
Curious to find out more about Camille and Jonathan? As a bonus, this book contains the short story ‘A Christmas just for us’. Happy reading!
Bonus: A Christmas Just For Us
Camille
Maxim storms into the room. ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy….’
Enthusiastically, he jumps onto the bed and I’m able to catch him just before he headbutts me.
‘Hey, little man.’ I wipe the sleep from my eyes.
‘Mommy, you have to get out of bed, we’re going to buy a tree today.’
I smile. Maxim’
s been begging me for a big Christmas tree since forever, but it was never possible before. I didn’t have the budget for it, plus it wouldn’t have fit in our small apartment. Even though it caused me heartache as well, Vincent and I simply needed the money for other things, year after year.
“Are you sure it’s today?” I tease him.
“Yes, Mommy. Very sure. You really have to get up or they might sell out!”
Maxim jumps off the bed again and heads for the kitchen. I slowly get up, stretching languidly in the process. I get my dressing gown from the peg on the bathroom door and go to the kitchen myself, stopping momentarily on the threshold when I get there.
I’ll never grow tired of this view. Jonathan’s in front of the stove, busying himself with making a stack of pancakes. He’s spoiling Maxim rotten, as usual. I never allow him to eat pancakes for breakfast.
Jonathan’s just wearing his pajama bottoms. His torso is naked. He’s put Vincent in the rocker, which is on the kitchen counter, and he’s beaming at his daddy because Jonathan’s pulling funny faces at him. Maxim’s already sitting at the table, waiting for his pancakes.
Jonathan looks up when he notices me in the doorway. The smile he uses to greet me every morning appears on his face. “Good morning, sunshine,” he says, walking over to me to give me a kiss. “I tried to convince him not to wake you up, but he’s so excited. Did you sleep well?”
“Like a log.”
He kisses me on the forehead before turning back to the stove. I walk over to Vincent and get him out of the rocker. He sits on my arm and I contentedly look around.
How did my life change like this in such a short time?
The pain of missing Vincent hasn’t faded, but Jonathan and I have found ways of coping with it. We talk about him a lot and he’ll never be forgotten.
Shortly before the funeral, I moved in with Jonathan. I just couldn’t keep living in that apartment filled with memories anymore. I’ve been here for over a year now and living here agrees with me.
I’ve had to get used to all the luxury, though. In the beginning, I tried to pay for my share of the expenses, but it turned out to be impossible. Jonathan wouldn’t hear of it, either. He insists I remain a stay-at-home mom so I can take care of our two sons while he concentrates on Full Moon and all the responsibilities that come with it.
Once everybody’s done with their breakfast, I make sure Vincent and Maxim are dressed warmly. I then find myself some warm clothes too. Jonathan’s gone out to get the car, which he parks in front of the door.
I still have to suppress a giggle every time I see him in the SUV we got for our little family. The other band members keep teasing him for being so domesticated. Of course his wild days aren’t completely over – his sports car is still parked in our garage – and he seizes every opportunity to take it out for a spin. But the car we use for the kids is just much more practical; even he agreed with me.
We drive down to the tree lot next to the gardening center not far from here. Jonathan parks the car close by and we all spill out to check out the hundreds of Christmas trees waiting for us.
“I want this tree,” Maxim exclaims.
I shoot an anxious glance at Jonathan. The tree Maxim picked is gigantic, but he’s giving us such a puppy-dog-eyes look... I really don’t want to disappoint him, but I don’t think we can set up this enormous thing in our house, let alone transport it in our car.
“Maxim, I’m afraid this one is just a bit too tall,” I say. “Shall we look around a bit more?”
“But Mommy, I want this one,” he insists.
Jonathan crouches down in front of Maxim and I temporarily hold my breath. He basically gives in to Maxim every single time and it often triggers arguments between us.
“Maxim, this tree really is too tall, buddy. Let’s go look for a smaller one.”
Maxim looks from me to Jonathan and apparently realizes he isn’t going to win this. He gives it up and heads for the next row of trees. Jonathan stands up straight again and I put my hand on his arm.
“I’m glad to see you finally backing me up for once,” I grin.
He grins back. “Oh, I’ll make you pay for it tonight, rest assured.”
A warm feeling nestles in my stomach. If there’s anything I learned from past events, it is that Jonathan always sticks to his promises.
Jonathan
I look up at the enormous tree that was just delivered to our home. Oh my God, Camille is going to be so pissed with me. I still don’t know how she does it – refuse Maxim something he wants. All it takes is one pleading look from him and I’d buy him the world.
I have to confess that I’m beginning to understand what she meant when she said the tree was too tall. The entire living room looks as if a hurricane has just ripped through it. There’s pine needles everywhere, which fell off when the delivery guys forced the tree through the door of the room. Some guys are running around to clean up the mess, while another cluster of people is busy decorating the tree and the rest of the house.
Okay, I may have gone overboard a bit when I hired an entire crew to make our house ready for Christmas, but I just really wanted to surprise Camille, Vincent and Maxim. After all the misery from last year, they deserve that.
Right now I can only hope that the crew will finish up shortly, because Camille is going to back here within an hour with the kids. I’m looking forward to seeing Maxim’s reaction. I still remember vividly how fond Vincent and I were of Christmas when we were kids. It was the only holiday that made us feel we were part of a warm family. On Christmas day it wasn’t all about my father’s practice – it was a day to spend time with each other as a family. We’d have stuffed turkey, gifts under the tree... for just one day we were like other families. One Christmas in particular has always stayed with me...
My brother and I are busy decorating. According to tradition, Vincent and I have to take care of putting up the fairy lights outside. And as per tradition, it is an impossible chore to untangle the string of lights.
“I know I’m saying this every year,” Vincent says, “but we really have to come up with a better system to pack these lights.”
I laugh, because I already know now that’s not going to happen. By the time we have to take them down we’ll have long forgotten how much we struggled with them now.
We’re about to start on the giant hedge lining our yard. Vincent is climbing the ladder and I’m holding it steady so it doesn’t fall. We wouldn’t want him to spend Christmas with his leg in a cast, after all.
Vincent has just reached the top of the ladder when Camille rounds the corner. As usual she looks breathtaking. She’s wearing jeans and her snowboots. On her head is a cute hot-pink hat with a fur ball on top, and her scarf is the same color. You can hardly see her face, and yet I know exactly what she looks like. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to tell her what she means to me, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I look up and see Vincent has noticed her too. Another reason I’m not acting on my infatuation: I’m pretty sure Vincent likes her too.
“Hey there! Decorating the hedge, huh?”
“Yep. As usual. Our father always thinks this is the perfect task for us.”
She looks from left to right, admiring the lights we’ve already put up. “Looks cozy.”
In the meantime, Vincent has climbed down the ladder to join us. “Hey, Camille. Aren’t you cold?”
She rubs her hands. “I wouldn’t mind an early summer. Christmas is okay, but all the ice and snow... not really my thing.”
“I’m always here to warm you up if you need me,” Vincent teases her. That’s just like him – always Johnny on the spot. Camille starts to blush, clearly unsure of how to react. “Uhm... maybe you guys want some hot cocoa when you’re done? You can come round to my place.”
“Sounds great,” I reply.
“Okay, see you in a while then!”
She turns around and walks back to her house, both me and Vincent staring after her.
I look around one more time and take in the results. Everything looks fantastic. The crew has left. Just in time, it turns out, because at that precise moment Camille turns onto the drive. She parks in front of the house and lets Maxim get out before getting Vincent out of his baby seat. I open the door and Maxim comes running for me.
“Hey, rock star, how was your trip to the playground?” In the meantime, Camille joins us with Vincent on her arm.
“It was so cool, Daddy. You know I went down the big slide? All by myself.”
“I knew you were a hero. You know, Daddy has a surprise for you and Mommy and Vincent, so close your eyes for a second when you step inside.”
Maxim doesn’t hesitate for a second and dutifully folds his hands in front of his eyes. Camille shoots me a skeptic look, then complies as well. I escort them both to the living room. “Okay, open your eyes,” I say happily.
Maxim goes wild. “Wow, Daddy! That’s the tree I wanted!”
He zigzags through the living room, taking in all there is to see, from the tree to the Santa village they put up on the mantlepiece. His eyes glisten and I know exactly why I invited a crew to put up this whole circus inside the house. But when I turn around and catch Camille’s baffled stare, I’m no longer so sure whether this was a good idea.
Camille
I look from left to right, blinking a few times to adjust to all the Chrsitmas cheer in our living room. Maxim is ecstatic and is running to and fro. It looks like I walked onto the set of a sappy Christmas movie. There’s not a place in this room that isn’t decorated somehow. In the middle of the room is the gigantic Christmas tree we decided not to buy this weekend. It’s decked out with Christmas balls, tinsel, glowing lights... the works. At the top of the tree is a Santa decoration instead of a star.
Say You Need Me Page 11
