by K. A Knight
“Oh, hi Karen, I didn’t see you there. Looks like the ass kissing is working out well for you,” I say sweetly, enjoying her outraged expression. Karen has been a thorn in my side since I woke up with the title of Hero. Little miss goody-two-shoes can’t seem to do any wrong, always being praised, and now, by the looks of it, she is working with the big guys.
I finally turn my attention on the other two people in the room, two imposing dudes, one of whom is looking at me like I’m a piece of shit he just trod on, the other is watching me with a smirk.
“This is the one who has been causing so much trouble? Her?” the frowning guy who looks like he swallowed a whole tub of protein powder asks. I mean, hello Mr. Muscles. Shame he seems to be disgusted by me. Waving in my direction he snorts, like he doesn’t believe I’m capable of causing havoc. Hey, I may look cute with my tiny form, golden ringlets, and bright white wings, but I can be mean when I need to be.
“Oi. Mr. Protein. Pick on someone your own size, I can totally cause trouble. Once, I was following this guy because he had the most amazing smelling box of donuts, you know, the glazed ones with the gooey centers? Anyway, I asked him, super nicely by the way, if I could have one of his donuts. You should have seen the look on his face, like I asked him to kick a puppy or something. Well, we got into a bit of a scuffle, and next thing I know, I’ve punched him in the face! See, I forget my own strength and broke his nose! Turns out, he was delivering those donuts to orphans, and he couldn’t because of the whole broken nose thing,” I finish with a shrug, only to see three stunned faces watching me open-mouthed. Only the other huge guy in the room doesn’t look shocked, and lets out a startled laugh.
“Oh yeah guys, you were right. She is total Villain material,” he snorts, rolling his eyes. Narrowing my own I round on him, about to give him a piece of my mind when I realise who he is.
Oh crap, I am in such deep shit. Because standing before me is Claus, the Villain of all Villains, the head honcho, the Big Cheese. Focus Eden, you’re rambling again. I must be in more trouble than I had thought if he’s here. And if Claus is here, that must mean that… I glance over at Mr. Muscles again and see the golden lining of his clothing that I hadn’t noticed before. Yup, Jeremaya, our Head Hero or as I call the uptight prick...Jerry.
“Eden,” Mr. Boss man calls sharply, and my eyes jump to him. He looks thoroughly pissed off, more so than he does usually. “You have been warned, time and time again.” He shuffles through the papers on his desk, reaching for a stamp that has the word ‘VILLAIN’ branded across it.
“Whoa, wait. Let’s just calm down for a second.” I hold my hands up in a placating gesture, they can’t be serious right? “It was an accident! I tried to help her!” I exclaim, my wings bursting out behind me in my panic, knocking over a pretty looking vase in the corner of the room. Oops, I hope that wasn’t expensive. A haughty little laugh has me narrowing my eyes to look at my nemesis.
“Your total ineptitude has lead to this Eden. Reclassification.” Karen looks like she’s about to orgasm with how happy she is with this little conversation.
“Oh, shut it Karen, you shart,” I sneer, enjoying the little pop noise her mouth makes as it falls open at my words.
“You guys can’t be serious, this girl is not cut out to be a Villain,” Claus argues, taking a step forward as he points at me, the muscles in his arm rippling at the movement. Whoa, that is one mountain of a man. “Her most convincing story was that she punched a guy in the face. For a donut!” He laughs again as if he can’t believe he’s having this conversation.
“Hey, buddy. Don’t point at me, it’s rude.” I swat at his hand before putting my hands on my hips. “Plus, didn’t you hear the bit about the orphans?”
“Shouldn’t you be trying to convince us that you don’t want to be reclassified?” Jerry asks, his top lip pulled back in a sneer.
Oh shit, he’s right.
“Please don’t reclassify me Boss Man, I’m too pretty to be a Villain,” I say in my best damsel in distress voice, fluttering my eyelashes in hope it makes me look more innocent. Except the whole look is ruined when a stray lash pokes me in the eye. “Fucking ow!” I cry out, rubbing at my eye, trying to stop the stinging.
The room is silent again save for Claus, who looks like he’s about to wet himself from laughing so much.
“You see what I have to deal with.” Boss Man waves towards me while looking between Jerry and Claus. “She can’t stay as a Hero,” he states firmly and I feel my stomach drop.
“Well, I don’t want to have to deal with her!” Claus counters, quickly sobering up with a frown, his eyes scanning me from head to toe. Charming.
“There is another option,” a smarmy voice chirps from the corner of the room. “Just kill her,” she says with a shrug, but a smug little smile stays on her face. Fucking Karen, what a cunt.
There is silence in the room and they all look thoughtful for a moment.
“What? You can’t kill me! Won’t that affect the balance or something?” I cry, spouting complete bullshit, but Boss Man is always talking about the ‘balance’ between good and evil. Something about you not being able to have goodness without evil or some crap. I never really paid attention, but my bullshitting is coming in handy because Boss Man lets out a deep sigh and nods.
“She’s right, it would affect the balance if we killed her,” he agrees, crossing out something which he had written down on his notepad. A weight lifts from me now that imminent death isn’t on the cards, but I still need to deal with reclassification.
“Damn it,” Jerry mutters under his breath, but not quietly enough.
“Fuck you, Jerry. Some example to the Hero community you are!” I cross my arms and tut like the little old ladies I enjoy watching back on Earth.
Before Jerry can retaliate, Boss Man clears his throat and stands up, glaring first at Jerry, and then at Claus, before gesturing to Karen to start taking notes.
“Eden, we have given you enough chances, but you keep messing up and people end up dead. I don’t know if you are doing this on purpose, or just because you’re useless, but I have no other option. From here on out, you will be known as a Villain.” He announces, reaching out for the large stamp and branding the front of my folder with my new status. VILLAIN.
A wave of panic and uncertainty runs through me, I have no idea how to be a Villain. I may not love my life as a Hero, but I don’t want to be reclassified! In my panic, I push up from my chair and bolt away from the desk.
“Not today Satan!” I shout as I run, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I need to get away. The room seems to stretch forever, the door never coming within my reach no matter how fast I run, until a cough from behind me has me looking over my shoulder. Fucking hell. I’ve barely moved and Karen is watching me with mirth as her fingers glow. I forgot that she could manipulate time and space. Claus is chuckling again and I glare at him.
“Really? Where were you going to go?”
My anger starts to get the best of me as I watch the smirking assholes in front of me, judging me.
“You know what, you guys can go fu—”
Before I can finish my cussing, I’m pulled from the room and dropped back to Earth with a thump, into a trash can.
“Thanks guys, real classy,” I shout up at the sky, startling a few norms as they walk past the alley I’ve been deposited in. I guess I know how they feel about me. Pulling myself out of the trash, I brush myself down and start trudging back towards my apartment. Wait, is it even my apartment anymore? Fuck it, I’ll deal with that when I get there. Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to do.
Chapter Four
Turns out that my flat was for Heroes only, which I found out when I tried to walk over the threshold just to be thrown on my ass by some sort of forcefield. Fucking great. I’m now a homeless Villain, not to mention all my toys and shit are now locked in that stupid apartment. Slumping back down the stairs in sadness, I flip off Mr. Sprinkles and make
my way to the nearest donut store, ready to drown my sorrows. Once I’m in line I realise my second mistake, I don’t have the Hero credit card anymore. Fuck a duck. That’s when it hits me—I’m a Villain. Villains do bad shit, I’m great at that. I’m going to be the greatest Villain of all time and as my first act—shoplifting. I steal a dress successfully and slip into it, discaring my old clothes apart from the leather jacket which I keep.
Sneaking out of the line, I walk to the fridges and grab a bottle of wine. Looking around, all sneaky like, I shove it between the girls, it totally sticks out the top but who cares. Next, I grab a pre-packaged box of eight donuts—yes, okay, I have an addiction. It’s a real problem, get over it.
Okay, Villain mode initiated.
Straightening my back, I walk out of there like I own the joint. I hear shouts, and with a swear I burst into a run. I race down the nearest alley, clutching my boozey boobs. Shit, I wasn’t made for running. I would have thrown on a sports bra if I’d have known I was going to be doing cardio. Thankfully, with my super speed it’s not long until I can’t hear them anymore, so I slow down as I come out into an empty car park for a warehouse.
Grinning, I hop on top of the nearest closed garbage dumpster and pull the wine from my boobs.
“My precious,” I mutter, before twisting the top and flicking it away. Rebellion two: littering. I’m killing this Villain shit.
Taking a swig, I chase it down with a donut before drinking again. Muttering reaches me and I tilt my head as three familiar looking dudes come around the corner. They stop when they see me and watch me in a weird fascination.
“Take a picture, it lasts longer,” I yell and toast them with my bottle.
The one in the middle lifts his phone slowly and when the flash comes, I narrow my eyes.
“Did you just take a picture of me?” I screech.
“Erm, you told us to?” he replies, confused, his honey voice washing over me. He’s skinnier than the other two. He’s got to be about six foot, with a slim muscular body. Black-rimmed glasses cover his deep brown eyes, and matching brown hair flops over his head unstyled. He’s hot, in a geeky way.
“It’s a saying, dipshit.” I groan and take another drink.
The one on his left laughs and nudges him, sending him flying to the ground, and my mouth drops open in shock. The dude looks like Thor. All long blond hair, big handsome face with bright blue eyes, and muscles in places I didn’t even know people had them. He grimaces as his face heats and offers the guy on the ground a hand. He pulls him up and nearly sends him flying again. Strong motherfucker.
The last one laughs, watching them with a smirk on his handsome face. Where Thor is hot as hell and light, this guy is dark and mischievous. I can just tell from the twinkle in his deep green eyes, the way his short black hair is styled, and his sharp cheekbones and strong jaw. He glances over at me and winks. I drop my eyes to his body and grin in appreciation. He’s less muscly than Thor over there, but more so than geek boy. His thick legs are encased in tight, black skinny jeans and he has a leather jacket draped over his top half.
Oh, did I mention they are all Villains?
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Thor mumbles and drops his hands from geek boy.
“So, what's crack-a-lakin in the Villain world?” I ask, taking another swig.
They all turn to me, their eyes in mirrored shock, and I glance behind me and sigh. My bloody wings have come out, stupid things do that when I’m angry...or horny...or tired. Basically whenever.
“Erm, is this a new weird Hero trick?” Geek boy inquires.
Thor frowns, looking me over. “I don’t know, I’ve not seen a Hero like her before.”
“You wouldn’t have, cutie.” I wink.
“That’s because she’s a Villain,” the last man adds and I glare at him.
My device on my wrist buzzes and I glance down at it in shock, I hadn’t expected it to work anymore, after all, it’s only for Heroes. Ignoring the three Villains in front of me, I start playing with the device.
“Ooh, mail!” I happily tap at the new message.
New classification status: Hero Eden has now been reclassified as a Villain.
Fucking great, this is a message out to everyone, so now all the Heroes will know how badly I fucked up. It pings again and I see a new message.
Reclassification info. You have been reclassified as a… VILLAIN. Your new name is… CRUSHER. Have a nice day.
I re-read the message five times to make sure I understand what they are saying.
“Fucking Crusher? For fuck’s sake.” Jumping off the dumpster, I pace forwards and backwards, forgetting about the Villains in my anger. I should probably be more worried, seeing as they are the bad guys, but I’m more focused on my new Villain name. “I bet fucking Karen was behind that new name. Do I look like a ‘Crusher’ to you?” I all but scream at the guys. They take a step back and glance at each other worriedly.
“I swear, you drop one car on a person and poof! Crusher!” I screech. “Ugh, if I see that Hero bitch again I’m going to kick her in the cunt.”
“Erm, she scares me,” geek boy whispers, but I hear him.
Spinning, I stride towards them. “Well, do I?”
“Do you what?” smirk guy asks.
“Look like someone who should be called Crusher?” I nearly shout.
“Depends, whatcha do?” he replies, completely ignoring my meltdown. “For instance, big guy over there is Ripper. Ask him why.” He grins as the Ripper groans.
I deflate and turn now curious eyes on Ripper. “Well, Thor look-alike, seeing as though we are sharing. What did you do?” I question curiously.
He groans and looks up at the sky. “Why are we talking about this?”
“He ain’t going to help you,” I point out helpfully, and take another drink from my bottle of wine. “Spill.”
“If I do, what do I get out of it?” he asks.
“He’ll suck your dick,” I offer, and jerk my thumb in the smirking guy’s direction.
“Not what I was aiming for,” Thor mumbles, and it only makes me grin. “Fine, whatever. It was three years ago…”
“Walking down the street I duck my head to try and avoid the rain lashing down on me. When a scream cuts through the air, followed by a cry for help, I burst into a run, splashing through puddles until I find the people who cried out.
There, stuck underneath a piano, are two people. A woman, half of her body under it, and a man with his legs trapped. No one seems to be here to help yet, just shocked, and a crowd of people is slowly gathering.
Straightening my shoulders, I barge my way to the front and reach down and grab the woman's flailing arm. I can help, I know I can, I can do this. I just need to—
SHIT!
Tugging on the woman's arm I freeze when, with a horrible ripping and wet noise sound, it tears straight from her body. Blood spurts everywhere and the woman howls before fainting.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I can fix this!” Turning to the crowd, panicked and feeling slightly ill, I gasp, “Does anyone have a plaster?” I lift the arm in gesture and blood squirts in my face.
Oh dear god, no. I start to sweat, feeling sick as a dog until I bend over and heave all over the ground. Retching for all my worth, I grab my hair, dropping the bloody arm into the vomit at the same time.”
“And then they code named me Ripper. Real name’s Noah though,” he finishes, and I just stare until I fall backwards. Howling with laughter. The type where you can't breathe and tears race down your face, I swear I even pee a little.
“Oh god,” I cry. “It hurts, make it stop.” Every time I think I might stop, I look back at his reddening face and laugh harder.
“It wasn't funny, I was sick for days,” he mutters, and it sets me off again.
“Okay, okay.” I hold my hands up and slowly get to my feet, holding my aching sides as I suck in air, the laughter finally stopping.
“What about you two?” I inquire, wiping tear
s from my eyes.
“I’m Bates, my code name is...” The geek with the glasses mumbles the last word while looking at the floor and I lean closer.
“What was that?” I ask and he sighs, looking into my eyes.
“Streaker,” he answers loudly and I lean back, biting my lip.
“Can I ask why?” I press, trying to contain my laughter. Ripper and Streaker?
“My power is invisibly, let’s just say before I learned to control it, I had a few...mishaps. It’s not like it comes with a manual,” he finishes, and I have to look at the ground to control myself.
“And you?” I address the last guy, my voice tight from trying to contain my laughter.
He winks at me. “Name’s Storm, sexy. Code name Peeper. Guess people don’t like my telepathy. Or could be the fact I used it for dirty reasons.”
I narrow my eyes and he grins. “Oh yeah, I heard about you picturing us naked,” he finishes and I groan.
“So, Ripper, Streaker, and Peeper?” I conclude and they all nod.
These three have to be the worst Villains in the world. I like them.
Chapter Five
“She’s following us,” Storm, aka Peeper, informs the other two helpfully, not that they can’t see me badly dodging around buildings and using people as human shields whenever they look over their shoulders. After my breakdown, they ran away when I got distracted by a pigeon trying to eat my donuts. The bitch, I’m going to make him into a goddamn purse, then see if he can try and steal a girl’s stolen food.
“Er, miss, what are you doing?” comes a high-pitched voice.
Looking up, I skip over the crotch in front of my face to the man whose groin I’m using as a shield, as the Villains stare at me from behind him. “Shh, good human shield,” I mutter, trying to blend in with my surroundings.
His face reddens as his jeans turn tight, right in front of my face. Rolling my eyes at him, I poke his growing erection. “Really dude? How rude. Just because I’m near it, doesn't mean you have to try and poke me in the face with it!” I huff. Really, some people!
