“I always think I want to cut it because it drives me crazy, but I don’t know if I could rock short hair.” She could rock anything and look gorgeous.
I let go of her hair.
“But then your hair always looks perfect, Stella.” I scoffed. My hair definitely didn’t always look perfect and I spent a fair amount of time on it every day anyway.
“You always look perfect,” Kyle said in a lower voice and now I was the one blushing.
“Thanks,” I said, biting my lip. We both laughed a little.
“This is a little awkward, isn’t it?” Kyle said and I nodded. Neither of us really knew how to do this. If Kyle was a boy, it would be different. So different.
Girls were complicated. Me being one didn’t make Kyle any easier to figure out.
“Do you want to do something this weekend?” I blurted out. I knew that I couldn’t go the whole weekend without seeing her, that was for sure.
“Um, sure. What did you have in mind?” Making out with you and maybe convincing you to take off your clothes? But I didn’t say that.
“There’s not a whole lot to do. Maybe we could go shopping or drive around or something.” I didn’t care as long as it involved her mouth and my mouth.
“Well, uh, my parents are going to this thing on Saturday to learn about financial aid for college and won’t be home until late.” Perfect. “You could come over. If you want.” Yes. I did want.
“Sounds good. Do you want me to bring a pizza or something?” My heart fluttered at the idea of an entire day with Kyle when we didn’t have to worry about being caught.
“Yeah, that’d be great.” Silence descended on us again.
“Are you going to come to the game tonight?” I’d gotten used to seeing her in the first row of bleachers. Most of the time I cheered directly to her, as if the other fans didn’t even exist. I didn’t mean to do it; it just happened. I had Kyle blinders.
“Yeah, do you not want me to? Would it be weird?” I put my hand on her arm.
“No. No, it wouldn’t be weird. I want you there. I like it when you watch me.” It sounded more intimate than I meant it and Kyle blushed again and ducked to hide a smile.
“It doesn’t hurt that you look hot as fuck in your uniform.” I raised one eyebrow.
“Is that so?” She sighed and tilted her head back, looking at me out of the corner of her eyes.
“You know you do, babe.” It was hot as fuck when she called me “babe.” I’d always found guys giving their girlfriends cutesy nicknames to be patronizing, but I think I was finally understanding it. It made my insides feel like warm mush and my skin all prickly. In a good way. A very good way.
“Oh, well. Sorry?” She shoved my shoulder and I tipped back so she fell against me.
“Sorry!” she said, trying to scramble off me, but I clamped my hands on her arms.
“Don’t be.” I couldn’t take it anymore and I pushed myself up so I could kiss her. Just a little one. Just because it had been so long. Like, more than twenty-four hours, which was basically an eternity.
Kyle let out a tiny little moan and I had to stop myself from pulling her on top of me so I could feel her body pressing against mine.
But she pulled away, looking over her shoulder, as if she was going to find the librarian standing above us and glaring down in disapproval.
Of course no one was there.
“We shouldn’t,” she said, sitting up again. I sighed. She was probably right. I didn’t know how the administration would deal with finding two girls making out in the library. Probably not as well as they would if one of us was a boy. Fucked up, but true.
And this was exactly why I’d wanted to wait until college for all this. And then Kyle Blake came and smashed all my plans.
“It’s okay,” I said, reaching out to stroke one finger down her cheek so she knew I wasn’t mad. “We should be careful. You’re right. I guess you’re the one with the most common sense out of the both of us.” I laughed a little under my breath and then the bell rang, making is both jump.
“We should go,” I said as I stood up and held a hand out to Kyle. She took it and didn’t let go right away. I had a brief flash of what it could be like, if she didn’t let go and we walked out of here together, still holding hands. What would happen? Would people stare and scream at us for being dykes? Or would they not even notice? Or would they spit on us? There was just no way to know for sure. And then we’d have to tell our parents and hell to the no.
Kyle gave me a sad little smile, as if she was sorry before she dropped her hand.
“We should probably leave separately,” she said and I nodded.
“I’ll go first, I guess.” She shrugged one shoulder. I started to walk away. Another anti-climactic ending for us. We seemed to have a lot of them.
“I’ll text you later,” she said with a wink and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.
“Later,” I said, giving her a little wave as I walked away with a bounce in my step.
I couldn’t believe I’d asked her to come over. Again. But I wanted to see her and that was the best option. I didn’t want to take the chance that if we went out that we’d see someone from school or someone’s parent or someone else from this damn small town. Gossip spread quicker than a wildfire in a field of dry grass. Everyone knew everyone’s business, no matter how small or insignificant.
Fortunately, Stella got it, which made things a lot easier. If I could use that word in this situation, which wasn’t very easy at all.
I was still coming to terms with the fact that I liked her and wanted her. Why now? Why her?
“Your face is all red, are you okay?” Grace asked as we headed down to the field for the football game. Of course most of the town was here, because what else was there to do on a Friday night in Maine? Other than drive out to someone’s gravel pit and get drunk and shoot shit with a pellet gun, which was probably what the people who weren’t here were currently doing.
“Yeah, fine, why?” I’d been blowing Grace off a bit, claiming that I was stressed with schoolwork, but that wasn’t going to fly. Not with Grace.
Her fingers dug into my arm and she made me stop walking.
“I swear to God, if you don’t tell me what is going on right now, I am yelling out that you’re not wearing any underwear for everyone to hear.” I gaped at her, but knew she was dead serious.
Shit.
I bit my lip and looked toward the field where the cheerleaders were warming up. Of course, Stella chose that moment to laugh at something Midori had said, her face lighting up. So gorgeous.
I opened my mouth.
“Not here. I can’t do it here.” So Grace and I went back to my car. The doors shut and I was having trouble breathing.
Grace reached out and took one of my hands.
“Before you say anything, I want you to know that you can tell me literally anything and I will still love you. Even if you killed someone. No conditions, okay?” I squeezed her hand and forced the words to come out.
“I think I’m gay. No, I know I am.” My entire body shook and I felt like I was going to die. Grace just started laughing.
“Yeah, and I’m black. What else is new?”
Did I hear her right?
“What?” I said and she stopped laughing.
“Oh, Kyle. I know you. How long have we been best friends? I’ve known for a long time. Maybe forever. I was just waiting for you to tell me.” Words deserted me. I just kept opening and closing my mouth. Grace leaned forward and pulled me into a hug.
“It’s not a surprise and it doesn’t make me think any differently of you. How could it? You’re you and I love you.” Before I knew it, I was crying onto her shoulder and she was holding onto my shaking body.
“Oh, Kyle, I’m sorry this is so scary for you. I can’t imagine, but I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” Apparently I’d chosen well in my best friend. She rubbed my back and let me cry it out. I didn’t even know why I was crying
that much, but I finally got a hold of myself and pulled back. I’d gotten Grace’s shirt all wet, so I popped open the glovebox and pulled out some napkins. I handed a few to her and used a few to blow my nose and wipe my face.
“So that happened,” I said, laughing a little.
“Yup. It did. How does it feel?” I wasn’t sure. My heart was still pounding, but I didn’t feel any different. A little better, maybe. Because now someone other than Stella knew.
Stella.
We were very late for the game, but I knew that I needed to fix things with Grace first.
“You can ask,” I said because I knew she would. Anyone would.
“Ask what?” she said and I rolled my eyes at her as I crumpled the napkins up and threw them in the backseat.
“How I figured it out, am I in love with you, that sort of thing.” She snorted.
“You’ve already told me a ton, so I don’t need to know anything else unless you want to tell me and I know you’re not in love with me. Not that way.” Lottery. I’d won the Best Friend Lottery.
“Oh. Okay,” I said. She wasn’t going to push, which was kind of a first for her. And totally at odds with the fact that she’d dragged me up here in the first place. Weirdness.
“Do I look like a hot mess?” I asked and she used some of the napkins to wipe the rest of the tears from my face and told me when my face wasn’t red anymore.
“Your eyes are little puffy, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. It’ll go down. Just say that you had an allergy attack if anyone asks.” Yeah, that wasn’t going to work. I wish I had ice or some cold spoons or something, but it couldn’t be helped.
“Come on,” Grace said, getting out of the car. I took a breath and opened the door. She strung her arm through mine and we walked together back toward the football field.
“Where have you been?” Paige asked as we took our seats again.
“Robbing a bank,” Grace said, putting the hood on her jacket up. It was a chilly night and I was wishing I’d brought gloves. The cheerleaders had their pants on tonight, but Stella still looked great. She looked good in anything. And probably nothing.
Grace nudged my arm and I looked over at her.
“What?”
Her eyes flicked to me and then where I’d been staring. At the cheerleaders. I looked away as fast as I could, but the damage was already done. Now Grace knew I was into a cheerleader. I just didn’t want her to find out which one.
But she didn’t drag me back to the car to grill me about it. She just turned back to the game and started clapping as our team scored a touchdown.
And my eyes slid back to Stella.
Grace didn’t say anything else after the game, but gave me a huge hug and told me that if I wanted to talk, she was always there. And that she loved me. I almost cried again, but made it home without losing it.
I feigned a headache and went to my room, but I spent my time lurking around the gayer parts of Tumblr. I discovered there were a lot of people in similar situations and I stayed up late reading through stories. For the first time since everything had started, I felt like I could take a deep breath because there were people who had been through the same thing. I could feel myself nodding as I read the posts. And I’d told Grace and the world hadn’t ended. She didn’t hate me, or think I was a freak, or not want to be friends with me anymore.
I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t alone. I clicked out of Tumblr and texted Stella. She’d caught my eye a few times at the game, but we hadn’t said a word to each other. But she’d texted me about an hour after and we’d been talking off and on the whole night. Nothing earth-shattering, just stupid little things and memes and jokes. Still, every time my phone dinged with a new message, my heart tried to smash its way out of my ribcage.
I hadn’t told her about Grace. Mostly because I didn’t know how she would react. If she’d think that I had outed her, or something. That would kill me if she thought that.
You can bring some movies, if you want. Or we can see what’s on Netflix.
I cringed at how stupid it sounded, but I didn’t want us to spend the whole day being awkward in my living room. I still had some fear that our chemistry would suddenly die and there would be nothing left for us to talk about.
Movies with girls making out?
Whoa.
Maybe? Do you have a lot of those?
I could almost hear her laughing.
Maybe . . .
I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea or a bad idea. Or both.
I didn’t get much sleep that night, and when I finally woke up the next morning, I couldn’t resist bouncing out of bed. I hadn’t been this giddy in a while. It was like being ten again and going to my first concert.
I did my hair extra carefully, hoping that by the time I came home, it would be messed up from having someone’s hands running through it. I also wore my favorite jeans that made my butt look great and a simple tunic with a t-shirt underneath. Casual, but cute. Or at least I hoped so.
I had a moment of panic just before I pulled into Kyle’s driveway.
Was this a date? Were we dating? Was that what this was? We hadn’t talked or used any definitions. Fuck.
What were we doing?
I was still flipping out as I walked to the front door with a pizza, a bag of chips, and sodas and rang the doorbell. She opened it with a grin on her face.
“Hey,” she said, a little out of breath.
“Is this a date?” I blurted out and her smile fell.
“Um . . . Do you want it to be?” she asked. I opened my mouth.
“I have no idea.” She laughed and pulled me into the house.
“Let’s not worry about that now, I’m starving.” That broke the ice a little as she led me into the kitchen to get out plates and so forth.
“How’s your day been so far?” I asked, cringing at the terrible small talk.
“A little manic. I’ve cleaned the house within an inch of its life.” I looked around and it was definitely cleaner than it was last time, not that it had been dirty or messy. Just lived-in.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, touching her arm as she popped open the pizza box.
She turned and her mouth was so close that I couldn’t resist giving her a kiss. We were almost exactly the same height, so no one had to bend in half.
Kyle smiled as I kissed her and then stroked my face.
“I was trying to impress you. You’re intimidating. You also look, really, really good today,” she said and I couldn’t help but grin. There was nothing like a compliment from Kyle to make me feel like I could conquer the world. Or at least a few countries.
“Thanks,” I said, running a few strands of her hair through my fingers. She’d worn it down and I hoped it was for me. She’d also dressed up, or at least as “dressed up” as Kyle got with a nice pair of jeans and a short-sleeve button up that was white with pale green stripes.
She looked amazing.
“Is this a date?” I asked again.
“I don’t know yet,” she said, kissing my cheek and then turning her attention back to the pizza.
We both filled our plates, grabbed sodas, and put the chips in a bowl.
“Look how healthy we are,” Kyle said as we both sat on the couch, putting our plates on the coffee table. Sitting at the dining room table would have been weird and too formal.
“The pizza has sauce on it, which is made from tomatoes, which are fruit. And potatoes are vegetables,” I said, pointing to the chips. She laughed.
“Good point.”
We started out sitting with several feet of space between us, but when we were done eating, we’d somehow slid until we were sitting right next to each other.
“Hey,” she said, bumping my shoulder.
“Hey back,” I said, turning to face her. “What are we doing?”
She took a breath and shrugged.
“I don’t know. I mean . . . do you want to talk definitions? It seems a litt
le early for that. And weren’t you the one who, two days ago, didn’t want to label anything? Just wanted us to be two people hanging out and having fun in secret?” I opened my mouth to argue, but she was right.
“Well, I guess I changed my mind,” I snapped and she laughed.
“There’s the bitch queen,” she said, but it didn’t sound like an insult. It sounded more like an endearment.
“Shut up,” I said, fighting a smile. “I don’t know. I just . . . it’s not enough. I feel like I want to have some sort of claim on you, which is totally ridiculous, but I can’t help it.” I hated admitting that to her. How much I wanted her.
“Wow,” she said, blushing.
“What? Does that scare you?” She bit her lip and shook her head slowly.
“No. Because I kind of feel the same way about you. And it’s crazy. This is crazy, Stella. We kissed for the first time less than a week ago. I thought you didn’t even have a heart less than a week ago. It’s not supposed to happen like this.” How was it supposed to happen? It also wasn’t every day that a girl fell for another girl. Maybe that was it. Maybe girls were just different. I didn’t know, I’d never felt like this before. Not even about Shannon.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s supposed to be this way or not. It is what it is. And I like it. Like you.” She snorted.
“Somehow I like you too. In spite of seeing you act like an asshole for years.” I mean, I hadn’t been mean to anyone. Just cold. Just closed off. Protecting myself.
“I don’t get why you want people to hate you when, if they knew you like this, they wouldn’t.” I pressed my lips together. I had strong feelings for Kyle, but I definitely wasn’t going to talk about that. Not this soon. Maybe not ever.
“I get that you don’t want to tell me, but it still has me puzzled. Anyway,” she said, waving that off and grabbing the remote.
“What do you want to watch?” she said, turning on the TV. I wanted to talk some more, but she’d clearly shut the door on that conversation for now. I guess she was probably still a little new to all of this anyway. I’d had years to deal with these feelings and she’d just started.
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