I knew better than to argue when Nan called me missy. It was a name that struck fear into my heart. Back in the old days, it was usually followed up with the lick of a switch. I stayed silent, and Nan grinned, looking much like the proverbial canary swallowing cat.
"That's what I thought. Now, get some boots on and march your butt down to the barns. Abigail will be happy to see you, and the boys could use some help, I'm sure."
Nan didn't play fair. At the mention of my favorite horse, it was all I could do not to run down there at full speed, and she knew it. My mind was already in the barn, patting Abigail and feeding her sugar cubes, whispering to her as I worked through all of life's problems. Abigail was a good listener. She had been my best friend.
"Fine," I sighed, knowing that I had lost this round. "But, I'll be back soon, so figure out something for me to do."
"Whatever you say, dear," Nan agreed. She was already sitting at the table with pen and paper in hand.
Blake
I liked a made-up woman—a little on the high maintenance side. I was a sucker for the red lipstick and long lashes and high heels and everything that went along with that. Cowgirls and country girls had never been my thing, not like they were Slade's.
But, hot damn. When Merry walked into the barn that morning in worn boots and dark blue jeans with a long sleeved pink tee, and her dark chestnut curls framing her face in wet curls…I had to will my body not to react. Not a speck of makeup adorned her face, and I thought she was the most beautiful I had ever seen her. When people talk about natural beauty, this is what they mean.
Her face was flushed as she looked past me, gazing over my head at the empty stalls.
"Finally came out to see Abigail, huh? Took you long enough."
Merry rolled her eyes. "I didn't know if she was still here. I was afraid to ask."
"Always afraid to be disappointed." I stepped toward her, closing the space between us and rested my hands on the curve of her hips.
"Well, I've been disappointed a lot," she answered, her full pink lips curved into a pout.
"That was then, baby girl. This is now."
Stepping into my embrace, she rested her head on my chest and looked up at me with a soft sigh. "I want so badly for that to be true."
"The thing is," I answered carefully. "We all had hard lives before the ranch, really hard lives. And that's what makes this place so life-changing. But things can only change you, if you let them, Meredith. Good things and bad things alike. You let the bad things shape your expectations and shape the way you view life. You're far too hard on yourself, because others were. And that's all human nature. But at some point, baby girl, you have to let those guards and protective walls down, and let the good things have even more influence on you."
"I tried that once," she countered. Her pain-filled expression was a blow to my heart, reminding me that getting her back here had only been half the battle. We had much work to do. "I trust you and Slade and Nan. As much as I can, I do. It's really me I don't trust. All my life, anytime I have seen something good in my life, I have messed it up just as quickly. I don't know how not to self-sabotage, Blake. It's what I do. What I have always done. Sometimes, I even see myself doing it, and I think 'no, stop!' but I just can't. I can't stop. It's almost like I'm afraid to have anything good in my life, like I'm trying to protect myself from more pain."
"Does it work?" I asked gently, knowing full well what the answer was.
"I mean, I guess in some ways I always thought it did, but now, looking back, I can see that it usually just leads to a different kind of pain.
"The kind that comes with no joy."
Her head jerked up to meet my gaze, and I saw her throat move as the swallowed deeply, acknowledging my truth in a sort of stunned silence."
"You deserve to have joy, Meredith. You deserve to love and be loved."
"But, sometimes, it just causes more hurt," she whispered thickly, as a lone tear tracked down her pale cheek.
"I know it, baby girl. Boy, do I. I see these things in you, because I know them in myself. It's a struggle every day to be thankful for what life has given me rather than fearful of the hurt and loss it will eventually bring."
"How do you do it?"
"Nan helped me a lot. Slade helped me. And you helped me, too."
"I did? How?"
"You just did. As much as it hurt when you left, and as easy as it would have been to let the guilt eat me alive and rob me of any happiness I had in my life, what kind of man would that have made me when you came back? A bitter and angry one. Then I'd have to get through the pain of losing you twice. I knew that, because I knew you'd be back, someday. This is your home."
Her jaw trembled and her eyes filled with tears as she stared at me, taking in my words. My heart felt like I had ripped my chest open and left it out on the table for people to stare at like the sideshow of a circus. I had never been this raw with anyone before. It hurt to even meet her eyes, but I knew I couldn't look away. Finally, she did, burying her face in my shirt and soaking it with her tears. I rubbed her back gently and murmured words of unintelligible solace in her ear.
When she looked up at me again, with puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, she smiled. "Will you help me? And maybe I can try to help you, in return? Like each other's accountability partners?"
Smiling, I held out my hand in front of me and waited for her to shake it. "I'd like that, baby girl, I'd like that a lot."
She shook my hand, and I offered her a bandanna from my back pocket to wipe her eyes. When she handed it back to me, I took her hand in mine. " Now, let's go see about a horse, shall we?"
Chapter 12
Slade
I was always going to feel a twinge of jealousy when I saw Blake and Merry together, simply because I knew how alike they were. Even if they didn't see it.
The truth was, though, when I pushed past the shards of hurt and jealousy, all I could be was thankful. I loved watching the way Blake connected with her. He got through to her in a way that I would never be able to, and I loved that because she brought out a side of him nobody else could. I even liked to think that I had a part in that.
I was the nurturer. The caretaker. I had caught on at an early age that the best way to lick my own wounds was by taking care of other people's. And I had done that for each and every soul who had graced the door of Second Chance Ranch since the day I arrived—including Blake. It wasn't tooting my own horn to say that Blake was who he was because I was who I was. It was just a fact I had taken him under my wing as a little brother and hadn't given him a choice in the matter, no matter how much he lashed out or how hard he tried to push me away. And he had learned to do the same for Merry. I was proud of that.
Still, it pained me to see them looking so cozy, especially after Merry's distance toward me this morning. And what was Merry doing out here, anyway? Her whole plan for the day had been helping Nan with cookies. It wasn't even time for Nan's soaps yet.
I saw Blake point across the training arena and followed his direction. It all made sense. Abigail, Merry's horse; I had almost forgotten. She hadn't said anything or even so much as feigned an interest in the horses since she had been here. Now, I realized she was just doing what she did best. Trying to protect herself.
Merry had been a natural at equine therapy. She was great with both the horses and the children. But no matter how many times I told her, she had never believed it. If she had, maybe she would have been more inclined to stay. I knew that, in her mind, she had done those kids a favor by leaving. It was easy for her to believe that, when she hadn't seen how gutted they had been after she disappeared. Merry had been, for most of those kids, just another disappointment in a long line of abandonments. But contrary to her belief, it was the only time she had ever let them down.
I'd have loved to see her working with the kids again. She had a knack for knowing just which horse would get through to each kid. It was a gift that Blake and I would never match, no matter how hard we
tried. Take, for instance, the small redheaded girl who was currently riding Merry's horse, Abigail, around the ring right now. To any outsider with two licks of knowledge, Sara and Abigail were a perfect match, both sweet and gentle and easily spooked. Two peas in a pod. Too bad they had never connected in any way. Sara remained in her shell as much as the day I had met her. If anything, she had moved backwards in the program, instead of forward.
Watching the two and watching Merry and Blake gave me an idea. I knew Merry wouldn't go along with it, but I didn't plan to give her a choice in the matter. I jogged over to them, tipping my hat at Merry when I reached them and greeting her with my most charming smile.
"Morning, little one. Come out to see Abigail?"
"Nan kicked me out of the kitchen. I had nowhere else to go, really. You know how she is when she gets an idea in her head."
"Indeed I do. And her idea was that you needed to come see the horses?"
"Abigail, mostly. But I'm excited to see them all. I knew you guys were busy. I'll just sit on the bleachers and wait. It's no trouble."
"No, no, they could use a break."
"Sara," I called, motioning for her to trot over to the fence line where I stood with Merry on the other side, watching. "Come on over here for a second."
Immediately, she seemed to shrink into herself, her face a mask of fear as she slowly trotted over. Watching her broke my heart and reminded me of another little girl I had known, not so long ago. I tried not to let my emotions show as I pointedly softened the lines on my face and smiled my most encouraging smile as Sara and Abigail sauntered to a stop beside me.
"Sara, I'd like you to meet my friend, Merry. She used to work here, and Abigail was her special horse."
"Great," Sara deadpanned without looking at any of us. "Can I go now?"
"Young lady," I scolded, keeping my voice lighter than my heart felt. "That was very rude."
"I'm not trying to be rude. I just don't understand why you had to call me over here to meet some lady who used to work here, just because she likes my horse."
Without changing my expression, I stole a glance at Merry, whose hand was still tucked into Blake's for support. She was biting her lip and looking pained. She said nothing.
"What is it, then?" Sara asked, continuing her rant. "Oh, I get it now. It's the horse. Here, take her. She's a stupid horse, anyway. All she wants to do is eat sugar cubes all day and break records for how slow she is."
Before any of us could argue, Sara dismounted Abigail and tossed the reins at me, taking off in a near run for the barn.
I watched as Merry dropped Blake's hand. For a minute, I thought she'd hop the fence that separated her from her beloved horse and take a ride. She leaned over and let her hand linger on Abigail's cheek as a look of peace I had never seen crossed over her features. And then, she took chase toward the barn, while Blake and I looked on in amazement. All I could do was hold my breath and cross my fingers that this didn't turn into a mega disaster that set our plan back even further.
Merry
Stop. Don't do it. What are you doing? Turn back. You can't help. You'll only make things worse. These are the thoughts that ran through my head on an endless repeat as I chased after a girl I had never met. When I reached the barn entrance, I paused and looked back at Blake and Slade. Their eyes were on me, and their expressions were hopeful. Blake winked at me and sent me a thumbs up. This. It was exactly what he had been talking about in the barn earlier, I realized. Everything in me was screaming not to follow her, to admit defeat now and save us both the hurt that I would cause. And everything in Blake's expression was urging me on. Screaming just as loud, if not louder, that I could do this. That she was just a girl. That I needed to have the kind of faith in myself that they had in me. And that I needed to have faith in Sara. That was the hard part. Having faith in someone I didn't even know from Eve.
I didn't want to do this, I thought, as I pushed open the barn door and tiptoed in. And that was exactly why I had to.
I found her sitting atop a bale of hay, hugging her knees in an empty stall. Her face was a dark scowl, and her eyes were full of unshed tears. She glared when she saw me. "I'm fine. Go away. Go back to your precious, stupid horse. What kind of name for a horse is Abigail, anyway?"
I had named her, actually, but I didn't take the bait, stepping into the stall and approaching the timid girl, even as she turned her whole body to face away from me. This was going to be difficult.
"I'm really sorry to have you kicked off your horse. I didn't know Slade was going to do that, honest! I just came out to watch. I wanted to see all the horses, not just Abigail."
No response from the rigid form as she stared at the barn wall, refusing to look at me.
"Men can sure be dumb, sometimes," I tried again, reverting back to the common thread of womanhood. Good old male bashing.
"Especially cowboys." The response was almost a whisper. But it was something. A starting point. I exhaled the breath I had been holding and took a step towards her.
"Yeah, but they really do mean well. They just can't help themselves, sometimes."
Again, no answer. I sighed and shifted tactics. "So, you don't like Abigail, huh?"
The soft, annoyed sigh told me Sara would rather be left alone than engage me in any sort of conversation. She was shit out of luck, though. I had come this far, I wasn't about to give up now.
"She's all right, I guess. She's just slow. Kind of boring."
"Yeah, she does well with beginners," I started. "Are you from around here?"
"Born and bred, unfortunately," she said with disgust, finally turning towards me. "I can't wait to get out of this dumb, two horse town. Soon as I turn eighteen, I'm gonna hop a bus to anywhere but here. A big city, where I can sing and dance and live on the fortieth floor of some sky rise apartment building and never think about cowboys and blue skies and horse poop, ever again."
"You sing?" I questioned, an idea beginning to niggle in the recesses of my brain.
Instead of answering, she belted out a few lines of a well-known country song in a voice that reminded me of spun silk.
"Well, damn!" She was good. Very good. I could have listened to her sing for hours, but I didn't want to ruin the current level of comradery I had worked so hard to achieve.
"Ever been around horses other than Abigail?" I had a sinking suspicion the answer was yes.
"Only most of my life. This is rural Texas, you know."
"You know, I bet if you had told them that, they would have paired you with a different horse." I knew exactly which horse I would have chosen, and I had known the girl for less than ten minutes.
"Well, I don't know when they were supposed to ask. They've never bothered to talk to me, besides to tell me what to do. Like I didn't already know." Her voice dripped with sarcasm, and I could have killed Blake and Slade both for being so dense.
"I haven't gotten a chance to look around yet. Do you know if Axel is still here?"
Sara jacked her thumb towards a stall near the back of the barn. "He's here, but Blake's the only one allowed to ride him."
"That's a shame." I started walking toward the stall, hoping Sara would follow. It took a minute, but she did.
Axel was a beautiful horse. A purebred Mustang stallion that had a reputation for being a little difficult, but the trouble he gave you was worth it, if you could get him to like you. I didn't think Sara would have a problem. I knew a little secret about Axel. He loved music.
I reached over the gate and opened the latch, hoping he remembered me, after all these years.
"What are you doing? Blake is going to kill you! Oh man. Oh man." Sara was frantic behind me, but I just smiled at her.
"Don't worry about Blake. C'mon in here; don't worry." I could see that she wanted to and that her fear of Axel was a healthy one. But, oh, she wanted to ride him. I could see it in her eyes.
I stepped up to Axel and pet his nose, whispering softly to him and calling him by name. I could hear
Sara tiptoeing in behind me. I waited until she was almost beside me and then moved to the side, putting her face to face with the gentle giant. "Sing to him."
Her eyes bulged from her sockets as she gaped at me in disbelief. I nodded.
Quietly, timidly, she began to sing The Star Spangled Banner. Axel closed his eyes and seemed to sway with the music, nuzzling her hand every so often as if to say "keep going."
When she had sang the last note, I handed her a saddle and a stool so she could reach. "Go on, he likes you."
She followed instructions, glancing toward the barn door every few seconds, seemingly waiting for Blake to come in and get angry. I wasn't worried. I knew he wouldn't come in here. I wasn't so sure he'd be an easy sell on the pairing of Sara and Axel, but that was his fault for not doing his homework.
Axel was a huge horse and Sara was quite petite, but I knew the pairing was a sound one. I helped her mount him and used the reins to lead them out of the barn and over to where Blake stood with Slade and Abigail. I took her reins without a word and climbed atop the saddle, smothering a giggle when both men caught sight of the diminutive form atop the huge horse and gaped at me with fury in their eyes.
"Oh, just chill," I told them, winking at Sara as we took off across the arena, trotting side by side. Her eyes were wide with awe, and I knew I had just made a new friend.
Chapter 13
Blake
After she left the arena, I hadn't seen Merry all day. Slade and I always went to town for dinner on Friday, a tradition we couldn't make ourselves break simply because Merry was here.
Prime rib burgers with curly fries and a few beers, because it was Slade's turn to drive, had put me in a relaxed and affable mood. That, combined with the knowledge that Merry would be in my room, tonight. We were working on building individual relationships, as well as the one we had between the three of us. Plus, Slade and I both had a selfish side.
Winterland Daddies (Second Chance Ranch Book 1) Page 11
