“What’s so funny?” Vivaldo asked, quietly.
“If you don’t see it, I can’t tell you,” Rufus said. He had stopped laughing, was very sober and still. “Everybody’s on the A train— you take it uptown, I take it downtown— it’s crazy.” Then, again, he looked at Vivaldo with hatred. He said, “Me and Leona— she’s the greatest lay I ever had. Ain’t nothing we don’t do.”
“Crazy,” said Vivaldo. He crushed out his cigarette on the floor. He was beginning to be angry. At the same time he wanted to laugh.
“But it ain’t going to work,” said Rufus. “It ain’t going to work.” They heard the whistles on the river; he walked to the window again. “I ought to get out of here. I better get out of here.”
“Well, then, go. Don’t hang around, waiting— just go.”
“I’m going to go,” said Rufus. “I’m going to go. I just want to see Leona one more time.” He stared at Vivaldo. “I just want to get laid— get blowed— loved— one more time.”
“You know,” said Vivaldo, “I’m not really interested in the details of your sex life.”
Rufus smiled. “No? I thought all you white boys had a big thing about how us spooks was making out.”
“Well,” said Vivaldo, “I’m different.”
“Yeah,” said Rufus, “I bet you are.”
“I just want to be your friend,” said Vivaldo. “That’s all. But you don’t want any friends, do you?”
“Yes, I do,” said Rufus, quietly. “Yes, I do.” He paused; then, slowly, with difficulty, “Don’t mind me. I know you’re the only friend I’ve got left in the world, Vivaldo.”
And that’s why you hate me, Vivaldo thought, feeling still and helpless and sad.
* * *
Now Vivaldo and Rufus sat together in silence, near the window of the pizzeria. There was little left for them to say. They had said it all— or Rufus had; and Vivaldo had listened. Music from a nearby night club came at them, faintly, through the windows, along with the grinding, unconquerable hum of the streets. And Rufus watched the streets with a helpless, sad intensity, as though he were waiting for Leona. These streets had claimed her. She had been found, Rufus said, one freezing night, half-naked, looking for her baby. She knew where it was, where they had hidden her baby, she knew the house; only she could not remember the address.
And then, Rufus said, she had been taken to Bellevue, and he had been unable to get her out. The doctors had felt that it would be criminal to release her into the custody of the man who was the principal reason for her breakdown, and who had, moreover, no legal claim on her. They had notified Leona’s family, and her brother had come from the South and carried Leona back with him. Now she sat somewhere in Georgia, staring at the walls of a narrow room; and she would remain there forever.
Vivaldo yawned and felt guilty. He was tired— tired of Rufus’ story, tired of the strain of attending, tired of friendship. He wanted to go home and lock his door and sleep. He was tired of the troubles of real people. He wanted to get back to the people he was inventing, whose troubles he could bear.
But he was restless, too, and unwilling, now that he was out, to go home right away.
“Let’s have a nightcap at Benno’s,” he said. And then, because he knew Rufus did not really want to go there, he added, “All right?”
Rufus nodded, feeling a little frightened. Vivaldo watched him, feeling it all come back, his love for Rufus, and his grief for him. He leaned across the table and tapped him on the cheek. “Come on,” he said, “you haven’t got to be afraid of anybody.”
With these words, at which Rufus looked even more frightened, though a small smile played around the corners of his mouth, Vivaldo felt that whatever was coming had already begun, that the master switch had been thrown. He sighed, relieved, also wishing to call the words back. The waiter came. Vivaldo paid the check and they walked out into the streets.
“It’s almost Thanksgiving,” said Rufus, suddenly. “I didn’t realize that.” He laughed. “It’ll soon be Christmas, the year will soon be over—” He broke off, raising his head to look over the cold streets.
A policeman, standing under the light on the corner, was phoning in. On the opposite pavement a young man walked his dog. The music from the night club dwindled as they walked away from it, toward Benno’s. A heavy Negro girl, plain, carrying packages, and a surly, bespectacled white boy ran together toward a taxi. The yellow light on the roof went out, the doors slammed. The cab turned, came toward Rufus and Vivaldo, and the street lights blazed for an instant on the faces of the silent couple within.
Vivaldo put one arm around Rufus and pushed him ahead of him into Benno’s Bar.
The bar was terribly crowded. Advertising men were there, drinking double shots of bourbon or vodka, on the rocks; college boys were there, their wet fingers slippery on the beer bottles; lone men stood near the doors or in corners, watching the drifting women. The college boys, gleaming with ignorance and mad with chastity, made terrified efforts to attract the feminine attention, but succeeded only in attracting each other. Some of the men were buying drinks for some of the women— who wandered incessantly from the juke box to the bar— and they faced each other over smiles which were pitched, with an eerie precision, between longing and contempt. Black-and-white couples were together here— closer together now than they would be later, when they got home. These several histories were camouflaged in the jargon which, wave upon wave, rolled through the bar; were locked in a silence like the silence of glaciers. Only the juke box spoke, grinding out each evening, all evening long, syncopated, synthetic laments for love.
Rufus’ eyes had trouble adjusting to the yellow light, the smoke, the movement. The place seemed terribly strange to him, as though he remembered it from a dream. He recognized faces, gestures, voices— from this same dream; and, as in a dream, no one looked his way, no one seemed to remember him. Just next to him, at a table, sat a girl he had balled once or twice, whose name was Belle. She was talking to her boy friend, Lorenzo. She brushed her long black hair out of her eyes and looked directly at him for a moment, but she did not seem to recognize him.
A voice spoke at his ear: “Hey! Rufus! When did they let you out, man?”
He turned to face a grinning chocolate face, topped by processed hair casually falling forward. He could not remember the name which went with the face. He could not remember what his connection with the face had been. He said, “Yeah, I’m straight, how you been making it?”
“Oh, I’m scuffling, man, got to keep scuffling, you know”— eyes seeming to press forward like two malevolent insects, hair flying, lips and forehead wet. The voice dropped to a whisper. “I was kind of strung out there for awhile, but I’m straight now. I heard you got busted, man.”
“Busted? No, I’ve just been making the uptown scene.”
“Yeah? Well, crazy.” He jerked his head around to the door in response to a summons Rufus had not heard. “I got to split, my boy’s waiting for me. See you around, man.”
Cold air swept into the bar for a moment, then steam and smoke settled again over everything.
Then, while they stood there, not yet having been able to order anything to drink and undecided as to whether or not they would stay, Cass appeared out of the gloom and noise. She was very elegant, in black, her golden hair pulled carefully back and up. She held a drink and a cigarette in one hand and looked at once like the rather weary matron she actually was and the mischievous girl she once had been.
“What are you doing here?” asked Vivaldo. “And all dressed up, too. What’s happening?”
“I’m tired of my husband. I’m looking for a new man. But I guess I came to the wrong store.”
“You may have to wait for a fire sale,” said Vivaldo.
Cass turned to Rufus and put her hand on his arm. “It’s nice to have you back,” she said. Her large brown eyes looked directly into his. “Are you all right? We’ve all missed you.”
He shrank involuntarily
from her touch and her tone. He wanted to thank her; he said, nodding and trying to smile, “I’m fine, Cass.” And then: “It’s kind of nice to be back.”
She grinned. “Do you know what I realize every time I see you? That we’re very much alike.” She turned back to Vivaldo. “I don’t see your aging mistress anywhere. Are you looking for a new woman? If so, you too have come to the wrong store.”
“I haven’t seen Jane for a hell of a long time,” said Vivaldo, “and it might be a good idea for us never to see each other again.” But he looked troubled.
“Poor Vivaldo,” Cass said. After a moment they both laughed. “Come on in the back with me. Richard’s there. He’ll be very glad to see you.”
“I didn’t know you people ever set foot in this joint. Can’t you bear domestic bliss any longer?”
“We’re celebrating tonight. Richard just sold his novel.”
“No!”
“Yes. Yes. Isn’t that marvelous?”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” said Vivaldo, looking a little dazed.
“Come on,” Cass said. She took Rufus by the hand and, with Vivaldo ahead of them, they began pushing their way to the back. They stumbled down the steps into the back room. Richard sat alone at a table, smoking his pipe. “Richard,” Cass cried, “look what I brought back from the dead!”
“You should have let them rot there,” Richard grinned. “Come on in, sit down. I’m glad to see you.”
“I’m glad to see you,” said Vivaldo, and sat down. He and Richard grinned at each other. Then Richard looked at Rufus, briefly and sharply, and looked away. Perhaps Richard had never liked Rufus as much as the others had and now, perhaps, he was blaming him for Leona.
The air in the back room was close, he was aware of his odor, he wished he had taken a shower at Vivaldo’s house. He sat down.
“So!” said Vivaldo, “you sold it!” He threw back his head and gave a high, whinnying laugh. “You sold it. That’s just great, baby. How does it feel?”
“I held off as long as I could,” Richard said. “I kept telling them that my good friend, Vivaldo, was going to come by and look it over for me. They said, ‘That Vivaldo? He’s a poet, man, he’s bohemian! He wouldn’t read a murder novel, not if it was written by God almighty.’ So, when you didn’t come by, baby, I figured they were right and I just had to let them have it.”
“Shit, Richard, I’m sorry about that. I’ve just been so hung up—”
“Yeah, I know. Let’s have a drink. You, Rufus. What’re you doing with yourself these days?”
“I’m just pulling myself together,” said Rufus, with a smile. Richard was being kind, he told himself, but in his heart he accused him of cowardice.
“Don’t be self-conscious,” Cass said. “We’ve been trying to pull ourselves together for years. You can see what progress we’ve made. You’re in very good company.” She leaned her head against Richard’s shoulder. Richard stroked her hair and picked up his pipe from the ashtray.
“I don’t think it’s just a murder story,” he said, gesturing with the pipe. “I mean, I don’t see why you can’t do something fairly serious within the limits of the form. I’ve always been fascinated by it, really.”
“You didn’t think much of them when you were teaching me English in high school,” said Vivaldo, with a smile.
“Well, I was younger then than you are now. We change, boy, we grow—!” The waiter entered the room, looking as though he wondered where on earth he could be, and Richard called him. “Hey! We’re dying of thirst over here!” He turned to Cass. “You want another drink?”
“Oh, yes,” she said, “now that our friends are here. I might as well make the most of my night out. Except I’m a kind of dreamy drunk. Do you mind my head on your shoulder?”
“Mind?” He laughed. He looked at Vivaldo. “Mind! Why do you think I’ve been knocking myself out, trying to be a success?” He bent down and kissed her and something appeared in his boyish face, a single-mindedness of tenderness and passion, which made him very gallant. “You can put your head on my shoulder anytime. Anytime, baby. That’s what my shoulders are for.” And he stroked her hair again, proudly, as the waiter vanished with the empty glasses.
Vivaldo turned to Richard. “When can I read your book? I’m jealous. I want to find out if I should be.”
“Well, if you take that tone, you bastard, you can buy it at the bookstore when it comes out.”
“Or borrow it from the library,” Cass suggested.
“No, really, when can I read it? Tonight? Tomorrow? How long is it?”
“It’s over three hundred pages,” Richard said. “Come by tomorrow, you can look at it then.” He said to Cass, “It’s one way of getting him to the house.” Then: “You really don’t come to see us like you used to— is anything the matter? Because we still love you.”
“No, nothing’s the matter,” Vivaldo said. He hesitated. “I had this thing with Jane and then we broke up— and oh, I don’t know. Work wasn’t going well, and”— he looked at Rufus— “all kinds of things. I was drinking too much and running around whoring when I should have been— being serious, like you, and getting my novel finished.”
“How’s it coming— your novel?”
“Oh”— he looked down and sipped his drink— “slow. I’m really not a very good writer.”
“Bullshit,” said Richard, cheerfully.
He almost looked again like the English instructor Vivaldo had idolized, who had been the first person to tell him things he needed to hear, the first person to take Vivaldo seriously.
“I’m very glad,” Vivaldo said, “seriously, very glad that you got the damn thing done and that it worked so well. And I hope you make a fortune.”
Rufus thought of afternoons and evenings on the stand when people had come up to him to bawl their appreciation and to prophesy that he would do great things. They had bugged him then. Yet how he wished now to be back there, to have someone looking at him as Vivaldo now looked at Richard. And he looked at Vivaldo’s face, in which affection and something coldly speculative battled. He was happy for Richard’s triumph but perhaps he wished it were his own; and at the same time he wondered what order of triumph it was. And the way the people had looked at Rufus was not unlike this look. They wondered where it came from, this force that they admired. Dimly, they wondered how he stood it, wondered if perhaps it would not kill him soon.
Vivaldo looked away, down into his drink, and lit a cigarette. Richard suddenly looked very tired.
A tall girl, very pretty, carefully dressed— she looked like an uptown model— came into the room, looked about her, peered sharply at their table. She paused, then started out.
“I wish you were looking for me?” Vivaldo called.
She turned and laughed. “You’re lucky I’m not looking for you!” She had a very attractive laugh and a slight Southern accent. Rufus turned to watch her move daintily up the steps and disappear into the crowded bar.
“Well, you scored, old buddy,” Rufus said, “go get her.”
“No,” said Vivaldo, smiling, “better leave well enough alone.” He stared at the door where the girl had vanished. “She’s pretty, isn’t she?” he said partly to himself, partly to the table. He looked at the door again, shifting slightly in his seat, then threw down the last of his drink.
Rufus wanted to say, Don’t let me stop you, man, but he said nothing. He felt black, filthy, foolish. He wished he were miles away, or dead. He kept thinking of Leona; it came in waves, like the pain of a toothache or a festering wound.
Cass left her seat and came over and sat beside him. She stared at him and he was frightened by the sympathy on her face. He wondered why she should look like that, what her memories or experience could be. She could only look at him this way because she knew things he had never imagined a girl like Cass could know.
“How is Leona?” she asked. “Where is she now?” and did not take her eyes from his face.
He did not want to
answer. He did not want to talk about Leona— and yet there was nothing else that he could possibly talk about. For a moment he almost hated Cass; and then he said:
“She’s in a home— down South somewhere. They come and took her out of Bellevue. I don’t even know where she is.
She said nothing. She offered him a cigarette, lit it, and lit one for herself.
“I saw her brother once. I had to see him, I made him see me. He spit in my face, he said he would have killed me had we been down home.”
He wiped his face now with the handkerchief Vivaldo had lent him.
“But I felt like I was already dead. They wouldn’t let me see her. I wasn’t a relative, I didn’t have no right to see her.”
There was silence. He remembered the walls of the hospital: white; and the uniforms and the faces of the doctors and nurses, white on white. And the face of Leona’s brother, white, with the blood beneath it rushing thickly, bitterly, to the skin’s surface, summoned by his mortal enemy. Had they been down home, his blood and the blood of his enemy would have rushed out to mingle together over the uncaring earth, under the uncaring sky.
“At least,” Cass said, finally, “you didn’t have any children. Thank God for that.”
“She did,” he said, “down South. They took the kid away from her.” He added, “That’s why she come North.” And he thought of the night they had met.
“She was a nice girl,” Cass said. “I liked her.”
He said nothing. He heard Vivaldo say, “— but I never know what to do when I’m not working.”
“You know what to do, all right. You just don’t have anybody to do it with.”
He listened to their laughter, which seemed to shake him as though it were a drill.
“Just the same,” said Richard, in a preoccupied tone, “nobody can work all the time.”
Another Country Page 8
