by Raquel Belle
“Close one, huh?” Jacob asked. “You okay?” he looked concerned.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I waved him off. “I have to be anyway. There’s still two more exams ahead of me,” I said.
“Just go to the clinic and get a sick pass,” Jacob suggested. I shook my head and stood up. Jacob walked ahead of me to Josh’s desk. We handed in our exams and I avoided eye contact with him to hurry out behind Jacob. I had to tell Josh, there was no getting around it, but when, that was really the question. I was nervous he’d flip out or worse.
“It’s alright,” I mumbled. My stomach, thankfully, felt as if it had already settled. I got through the day without any more incidents but got home feeling weak and tired. I had to call in to work, which, I never did. I called V after.
“How long has it been since I heard from you? Are we even friends anymore?” she asked.
I rolled my eyes and turned onto my back in bed. “Yes, we’re still friends,” I said blandly. “I uh…have some stuff to tell you though,” I said.
“You’re pregnant,” she said, her tone joking. I paused for too long and then the silence on the line thickened. “That was a joke, you know,” V said.
“I wish it was,” I said in a low voice.
“What?” Her voice was so loud, I startled and almost tossed the phone away from my ear. “I’m coming over.” She hung up directly after that. I prepared myself to tell her what was going on. She knocked on the door ten minutes later. I got up to let her in. When I opened the door, V looked me up and down, her expression was incredulous.
“You look like shit!” V yelled.
“I’m okay, it’s just bad morning sickness,” I said and pulled her inside. V gave me a tight hug.
“Where is the pregnancy test?” she asked. I walked with her to the bathroom and showed her the proof. I left the tests on top of the toilet tank. Whenever I worked up the courage to tell Josh, I was sure he’d want to see the proof as well. “Oh my god,” she whispered. “Naomi, you’re really pregnant!”
I nodded. “Yeah, Josh and I split the day before I found out and I haven’t told him yet,” I said. V blinked at me and then we stepped into my room to sit on the bed.
“Holy shit,” she murmured. I told her the whole story and by the end of it, all she did was repeat that sentiment.
“Yeah, it’s a pile of shit, actually,” I said and fell back against the blankets.
“So…you are thinking about an abortion?” V asked, curious.
“Sort of. I have to tell Josh first, how he reacts is pretty much going to be my deciding factor,” I said. I couldn’t envision a future in which I was a single mother with my child’s dad wanting nothing to do with her…or him.
“What do you mean he’s going to be your deciding factor? Are you going to keep the baby or not?” V asked. I sat up and blinked back an inexplicable press of tears.
“Um…I can’t be a single mother. I just can’t. So yeah, my decision depends on how he reacts—what he says,” I said. V sighed harshly.
“Well, Naomi, you have to talk to him, this can’t be put off,” she said.
“I know…I know. I’m just—nervous. I know that he wants kids but with someone he can marry and have a family with. Not me, his student,” I said. “He could get fired!”
V held up her hand to stop me from saying anything else. “I think you’re assuming and you’re selling him short. You cut things off, not Josh. He might have a good reaction,” she said. “Call him or text him you guys have to talk,” she added.
I closed my eyes briefly, wanting to be in another scenario, in another reality where I was smarter and hadn’t started a fling with my professor, not to mention the having sex without a condom part. While chewing on my bottom lip and fidgeting with the strap of my tank top, I went to the living room to grab my phone off of the couch. I took a deep breath and texted Josh, I told him simply that we had to talk.
A second later, he called me. I rolled my eyes and almost didn’t answer, at the last ring, V stepped into the living room and gestured swiftly at the phone. “Hello?” I said, my voice cracked.
“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah…no. I have to tell you something,” I said.
“Then I’ll come over,” he said. I sighed and rubbed my temple. I wanted to tell him not to, that I could just tell him over the phone but the words wouldn’t come out. “I’m on the way,” he said and then the call ended.
“Well?” V said.
“He’s coming over,” I mumbled. V picked up her purse.
“This is a conversation for you guys to have alone,” she said. V gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll come back in a second if you need me, okay?” she said.
“Thanks, V.” I walked her out. Once she made it down the hall, I stepped into the apartment and closed the door. My heart was already beating fast in my chest. If I could survive it unscathed, I would definitely jump out of the window and try my hardest to disappear. I didn’t know the first thing about what I was about to get into.
I paced the apartment with Jerry on my heels. When Josh knocked on the door, my body went cold and a light sweat broke out across my forehead. I took a deep breath and opened the door. He looked a hundred times better than I did. His hair was gelled and combed back and he wore a checkered blazer over a white button up and blue slacks.
“Were you…at some event?” I asked. Josh stepped inside, he smelled like cologne and a fresh shower.
“I was on a date at the insistence of my sister,” he said. I felt a pang in my chest but ignored it. Of course he was dating, he had every right to.
“Oh…how’d it go?” I asked, but I didn’t really want to know. Josh shook his head and chuckled awkwardly.
“Not my type,” he said. I gestured to the couch for him to sit and he did. Jerry hopped onto his lap and Josh scratched him behind the ears. “What’s going on? Why’ve you been looking so sick lately?” Josh asked. I walked to the living room and stood in front of the TV with the coffee table between us, it somehow made what I had to say easier.
“It’s morning sickness,” I said in a low voice. Josh tilted his head, his brows furrowed and the look of confusion was almost comical.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” he said.
“I’m pregnant,” I said with a huff and then hurried to get the test from the bathroom. When I stepped back into the living room, Josh was staring at the coffee table with his mouth open a little bit, his eyebrows were so high they nearly touched his hairline. “Look,” I said. He unfroze for a moment and took the test away from me to study it.
“You’re pregnant with my baby?” he asked.
“You were the only person I was having sex with all this time,” I said. He looked down at the test again and seemed to be going over each letter very carefully. I pressed my hand against my chest because my heart was about to beat its way out. I needed him to say something.
Chapter Twenty
Joshua
This wasn’t possible. My brain felt like a boulder inside my head as I held and stared sightlessly at the pregnancy test. She had to be joking. Maybe she was nuts and was playing some elaborate prank on me for some reason.
“Naomi…this isn’t possible,” I said. I handed her the pregnancy test and her face kinda crumpled, she looked at me as if there were something wrong with me. “I wasn’t able to have a baby before when trying. Now you’re telling me you got pregnant from the first time we had sex?” I asked. She stared at me with wide eyes as if she didn’t know me.
“But Josh, the test—”
“Have you been to the doctor yet?” I asked.
“No, I wanted to tell you first,” she said.
My chest felt inflamed. I had to stand up and I paced behind the couch, putting more distance between us. “I-I’m just finding this hard to believe,” I said. “There’s no way.”
“Yes there is, Josh. I’m telling you and showing you that I’m pregnant,” she said, her voice
louder.
“We don’t have to argue, I don’t want to argue…” I glanced at the door then back at her. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” I said. Her apartment felt too small and too warm. I hurried through the front door and practically jogged down the hall to the elevators. “Pregnant?” I said to myself as I waited for an elevator to open. “Pregnant?”
The concept, for some reason, just couldn’t compute for me. I kept thinking in the sequence of her breaking up with me and now all of a sudden she’s pregnant? I rubbed my temple and punched the call button angrily until the elevator finally opened. The shock was so intense that I started to laugh. I drove home chuckling hysterically but by the time I got to my house, the laughter had died down and the image of that pregnancy test was emblazoned on the forefront of my mind.
The little screen had unmistakably read, “Pregnant.” I slid down to the ground and leaned against my door. “Fuck, me,” I mumbled. I was still numb, still shocked but that test was solid. I had no rational reason to believe that she would be faking or show me a fake test. She’s never lied to me, ever. Naomi has always been bluntly honest with me.
It still made no sense. When Melissa and I had been trying, we went to the fertility doctor and she told me that my guys had low motility. The chances of me getting anyone pregnant were slim to none.
I loosened my collar, then took off my blazer and unbuttoned my shirt altogether. I still felt stifled and hot. I undressed and changed into workout clothes. I jogged in the dark around my neighborhood, trying to run from the buzzing thoughts in my head. The image of that stupid pregnancy test remained, though. I couldn’t get it out of my head as I made it back home, showered and poured myself more than enough scotch.
As I sat on my couch with the TV playing in the background, I stared into space and sipped from my glass. My cell phone rang next to me, it was Amy. “Hello?” I answered, my voice was hoarse so I coughed to clear my throat.
“What’s up, how was the date?” Amy asked eagerly. “Stace said she thought it went really well.”
“It was okay…too soon after Naomi, I think. And uh…” I paused, unsure what to say or how to say it.
“Uh, what?” Amy asked. I could tell she was holding something back that she wanted to say. I took another sip of my drink and then sat forward to put the glass on the coffee table.
“Naomi called me tonight and I went over there and she told me that she was pregnant,” I said. “And she showed me the pregnancy test,” I added. The line got so quiet suddenly that I had to check the phone to see if the call was still connected. “I-I don’t know what to think because it’s basically impossible for me to get anyone pregnant and if she really is pregnant that means it happened the first time we had sex,” I said in a rush.
“What do you mean if she’s really pregnant? She showed you the pregnancy test, right? She’s not crazy, right? There’s no doubt that the baby is yours?”
“Yes, no, and no.” I said. “I’m the only one she was sleeping with in a while.” I picked up my glass again and took another drink.
“Is she going to keep it?” Amy asked. I paused and my mind blanked. I hadn’t even considered that an option, I was still coming to terms with the fact that Naomi was pregnant and I was the father. I was…going to be a father.
“I reacted badly,” I groaned.
“You need to talk to her,” Amy said hurriedly. The problem was, I didn’t know what the fuck to say or how to say it.
“Fuck,” I sighed, “okay, I’ll call you back.” I hung up and then texted Naomi, I wasn’t ready to really talk yet but I had to tell her something coherent. I typed, Hey, I’m sorry for reacting like a douche. It was a shock to me and I still need time to process. I want to talk again about everything. I hit send and left it at that. She didn’t text me back after ten minutes. I poured myself another drink and got stupid drunk in my living room.
Chapter Twenty-One
Naomi
I woke up with puffy eyes and a heavy body. My limbs felt like I’d just hit the gym three times harder than I should have. I sat up in bed, rubbed my eyes and reached for my phone. I had a bunch of text messages and missed calls. Most were from Jess and V. But there was a text from Josh. I debated opening it. But of course, I did.
He wanted to talk again. I honestly had no more tears left so my tear ducts pricked painfully as I rubbed my eyes again. I texted him back a simple, “okay.” Then I dedicated myself to the tremendous task of getting out of bed. I made it to the bathroom and through a shower without throwing up. I got dressed, fed Jerry and debated calling V or my sister back. I texted them both to let them know that I was okay and then looked up the syllabus for my one class on Tuesdays. We weren’t doing anything that important and it was thankfully the only class that I didn’t have a midterm in.
“Looks like I’m skipping today, Jerry,” I said and pulled out my textbook to study a little and get ahead a bit. My stomach growled like an animal was inside it around noon. I needed food. “Fine, fine,” I murmured. It wasn’t as weird as I thought it was to talk to my stomach, I did have a baby in there, as surreal as it was to think about. I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich and cautiously took a bite. When my stomach didn’t heave, I scarfed down the rest of it and made another. It felt like ages since I’d been able to stomach anything.
When I heard a knock on the door, I looked at it curiously. Only V or my sister would show up unannounced. I opened the door expecting to see them. Instead, Josh stood in the doorway wearing a graphic t-shirt and jeans. His hair was disheveled and he looked as tired as my body felt.
“Rough night?” I said, to break the tension. He didn’t say anything or make any move to come inside.
“Ah, something like that,” he said. “Sorry to just show up like this,” he added. I let him inside and steeled myself for what I knew was going to be an emotionally draining conversation. I didn’t want to have it but I was pregnant and the hard talks had to be voiced.
“Can we sit outside, I’ve been cooped up all day,” I said while pointing to the balcony.
“Of course.” Josh opened the sliding door for me and I took my sandwich with me. We sat on the patio chairs and looked at the dog walking trail behind my building. People jogged and rode bikes back there too. The sun was starting to lower from its peak in the sky, which was sometimes the hottest part of the day, but thankfully the building was starting to block it.
“I’m sorry I reacted like an idiot last night,” Josh said. I glanced at him and shrugged.
“It was hard news to take. I was still in a state of shock when I told you,” I said and took a bite of my sandwich.
“I’m glad that you’re eating,” he said suddenly. “You’ve been looking like you lost weight,” he added.
“It’s hard to figure out what I can put down,” I said.
Josh nodded then pressed his fingertips together and glanced up at the sky. “I never wanted to split up,” he said.
“I know, Josh. I just—I thought that we wouldn’t be able to work. I thought you’d get bored with me,” I admitted.
He looked at me incredulously and pushed his hair out of his eyes. “Have I ever given you reason to believe that I was bored with you or that I didn’t care about our relationship?” I blinked rapidly and felt kind of like a scolded kid. “Naomi, we can stay together. Once the semester is over we won’t have to worry about me being fired or you being penalized for whatever gossip might come up,” he said earnestly.
I blinked at him, a little confused. I’d told him I was pregnant and he wanted to talk about our relationship? “What?” I said. I had to put down my sandwich on the small table between our chairs.
“I still want to be with you, Naomi. And of course I want to be here for you and for our baby. I can’t wait to be a dad,” he said as a matter of fact. My bemusement deepened and my heart pounded. He said all the right things, right? I questioned if I was dreaming or not. That was what I’d wanted to hear. That he would be there for me and be a
great dad for our baby.
“Are you sure?” I asked in a small voice.
“Of course I’m sure, are you kidding?” Josh stood up and pulled me up from my chair. His arms were tight and secure around me. I took a deep and shaky breath. It was surreal how safe I felt, how sure that things were going to be okay.
Josh tilted his head and his lips met mine. I pulled away from him, kinda embarrassed. “I was just eating grilled cheese,” I said. Josh laughed.
“I don’t care,” he said and tried to kiss me again but I hopped out of his grasp.
“I care!” I darted to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Josh knocked on the bathroom door and I let him in. He spotted the pregnancy test that I still had sitting on the toilet tank. He took it and sat on the edge of the tub while looking at it.
“This is wild. I never thought I’d be able to have a baby outside of like…adoption or surrogacy,” he said. Josh looked up at me and I took a deep breath.
“This baby has beat all sort of odds because I was on birth control too,” I said. Josh smirked.
“My parents always say that when two people are meant for love, they have a baby together. They said that’s how Amy and I were born because it wasn’t supposed to happen for them either,” he said. I bit my lip to keep from tearing up. Josh was looking at the test in wonder as opposed to the confoundment on his face from the night before.
“This is incredible,” he said in a low voice.
“You’re going to make me cry ugly tears,” I warned him. Josh chuckled and put the test back. He picked me up and cradled me against his chest. Our lips met again and, my body hungry for his, lit up like a switchboard. I knew for a fact that my hormones were all over the place because my nipples hardened almost instantly and my sex throbbed with need. The feelings were heady and I felt a little winded just kissing him.
