No, I don’t think she had anything planned then, but she was probably thinking about it. So I started being nice.
What do you mean? I said hi to her when I saw in in the hall, asked her how things were going, stuff like that. Haven’t you ever been nice to anyone before? We weren’t hanging out together after school or anything.
By that time, though, me and Ellie weren’t the only ones who knew about the stitches. Bastian saw them in Geometry, but he saw them on Tara’s ankle when she bent down to tie her shoe. The difference was, he asked her about them, and she said she cut herself on a broken glass. Then Leila saw some on the back of her neck one day when it was windy, and Van said he saw some on her shoulder except we figured he was lying since she didn’t wear tank tops. Plus, it was starting to get chilly. A couple other people said they saw them, too, but I think they just wanted people to think that. I don’t think they really did, but they didn’t want to be someone who didn’t. No one else saw what I did, though, or at least if anyone else did, they didn’t say anything and I think they would’ve. So after that, there were a bunch of rumors. She tried to kill herself, she had a bunch of warts removed, she was in an accident and didn’t want anyone to know—which is pretty funny when you think about it—they were tattoos, she was fucking with us, you know, by drawing them on. It was pretty much only a joke at that point, even when Alex gave her the nickname. He was the one who called her Frankenstein.
Wait. That isn’t the monster’s name? Then how come everyone calls it that?
No, I haven’t read it, but it’s really old, isn’t it? I don’t like to read. It’s a big waste of time. But whatever. When Alex called her that, he wasn’t trying to be mean. He was being, I don’t know, stupid-funny I guess. He said something like what’s with all the stitches, Frankenstein? I wasn’t there so I only heard it from Ellie, and she said Tara said people were pretty stupid if they believed that and hadn’t he ever cut himself before?
Sure, people believed her—wouldn’t you?—because thinking she was really Frankenstein was crazy. If we were still in middle school, maybe, but now? The world isn’t like that. At least that’s what we thought.
The nickname stuck, though, and she acted like it didn’t bother her, but you could tell it did. Alex is the one who made the picture, too, the one with her face Photoshopped on a Frankenstein body. The green one with bolts in the neck and stitches all over. He stuck it to her locker. She took it down as soon as she saw it, but he did it a couple more times, on her locker and then in it, you know, folded up and put through one of the slots at the top. Nowhere else, though.
The teachers? No. They probably didn’t see it or if they did, they probably thought it was for Halloween or whatever. You should ask them if you really want to know. And I know Tara didn’t tell them. They definitely would’ve done something if she did.
No, I still didn’t say anything about what I saw. Ellie still didn’t even know. Honestly, I didn’t even really believe it, even with what I saw, and I started to think that maybe I just thought I saw it. I don’t think Madison believed it either, but she knew something was up and she wanted to find out what. She wanted to be the one who found out.
I don’t know why. I guess because she’s Madison, that’s why. While everything was going on, I was still being nice to her, to Tara, I mean. Ellie and Madison started to, too. We told her to ignore them. I even took down one of the pictures and told Alex to knock it off. That’s when he called me Igor. I told him to fuck off, and Tara was there, too, and she said, “He thinks he’s funny, they all do, but they’re all idiots.” She said I wasn’t Igor anyway, but more of a Justine. I didn’t know who she was talking about, but she was smiling, so I smiled back.
She’s in the book? Really? What, is she like someone’s sort of friend?
So Frankenstein—
Oh, okay, got it, the monster, not the doctor, kills someone and she gets blamed? They find out the truth though, don’t they?
They kill her? But she didn’t do anything.
That’s so not funny. Not funny at all. You don’t think Tara knew … No, never mind. So what happened next was that Madison told me to try and bump into her again, but only when she was around so she could try and get it on her phone.
Why wouldn’t we?
No, I mean, I understand what you’re asking, but—
Mean? I don’t know. We just wanted to see it again.
Okay, okay, yes, I’d already seen it, but Madison still wanted to see it.
I didn’t ask her what she wanted to do with the picture or the video, but yeah, I guess I kind of knew she wanted one so she could put it online. But we weren’t going to hurt her, and it doesn’t matter anyway because we never got the chance. I tried but I guess Tara knew she had to be really careful now that she had that nickname—maybe her mom yelled at her or something—and I didn’t want to bump into her and have her know I was doing it on purpose. It was a pretty stupid idea anyway, so after a couple of weeks—and by then people were hardly talking about Tara anymore because everyone thought Anna was pregnant so they were talking about her instead—Madison said we needed to come up with something else. That’s when she told me to invite her to the Faraday house. That’s the one on Beach Road that’s been boarded up forever but there’s a way to get in. You have to be careful, the house is on a corner and there are lots of neighbors around, but we sneak in it all the time, no big deal.
No, I still thought Madison wanted to do the stupid break a stitch thing. I knew she didn’t want to be Tara’s BFF, not for real, and I guess maybe I should’ve known she was planning something bigger but I didn’t. Not right away anyway. Not until the night before. And even when she told me she wanted to cut off Tara’s hand, I didn’t believe her. She didn’t even tell Ellie what I saw or what she wanted to do until they were on their way. I mean, we didn’t even know if the stitches were still there. I thought that if they were, Madison would tell Tara what she wanted to do and scare her or make her cry or maybe both, maybe even pretend that she was going to rip open a stitch or two, but I knew she’d chicken out before anything really bad happened.
What do you mean, how? I just knew. I’ve known Madison since we were like four years old.
I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be funny. And I figured we could pick on Madison for chickening out, the way she gave us a hard time when we wouldn’t do something she wanted us to.
Well, yeah, the whole thing was kind of stupid and mean, but I told you, I didn’t really think anything would happen. I didn’t even think Tara would show up. I was surprised she even said yes when I asked her to come with us. I told her how to get in and she said she’d meet us there. Me and Madison and Ellie were there for a while, and Madison said Tara wasn’t coming, but she did, and when she showed up at the house, she scared the crap out of us. We didn’t even hear her come in and the floors are all creaky. We were up in the back bedroom—you can turn on flashlights there or light candles and you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing, not that they probably could with the windows boarded up. Madison had one of her parents’ bottles of rum and we were sitting around and talking about the teachers and stuff. Nothing major.
Yeah, Tara took a couple drinks too. Finally, Madison looked at Tara and said, “So what’s the deal with the stitches?” Tara smiled and said, “I figured that’s why you wanted me to come. You sure you want to know?” And Madison said yes, so Tara pushed up her sleeve and we all saw that the stitches were still there. Then she pushed up her other sleeve and there were stitches there, too, but not on the wrist, they were near the elbow. The whole way around.
We didn’t say anything. We were way too surprised. It’s one thing to think something’s true, but it’s another thing to know it so … So, Tara kept smiling and then took off her sweater. She had on a tank top underneath and we could see stitches on the top of her left arm and they wrapped around and went up to the back of her neck. She pulled up the tank part of the way and there were more stitches a
cross her stomach, and you could see that the skin didn’t quite match. Parts of it were darker and other parts lighter. “My mom thought everything would be healed by now, but I guess she was wrong,” she said and Ellie said, “Your mom did this?” Tara nodded. “I told her people would find out,” she said. “She said they’d find out if I didn’t go back to school. Act normal, she told me.” “What happened?” I asked. “There are more,” Tara said. “Want to see them all?” Ellie and I both said no at the same time. Then Tara said, “It was an accident. My mom and I had a fight and I took her car. I hit a tree and boom. The next thing I remember is waking up and my mom telling me that everything was going to be okay because she fixed me. And I was like this.” “Fixed you?” Madison said. “She made you a freak.” Tara didn’t say anything, and I could see that Madison was pissed off.
Why? Yes, she wanted to find out, but she didn’t want to just hear about it. She wanted to be like one of those Anonymous guys, the ones that wear the masks and figure out a story before everybody else knows the truth. “Is that why you smell?” Madison said. “You stink, like something that’s been dead and then brought back to life, like Frankenstein. You wear that perfume to hide it but it doesn’t.”
No, Tara still didn’t say anything. “Where did your mom get all the parts?” Madison said. “Cause you can see they don’t match. Did she dig them up?” Tara shrugged and said, “She didn’t tell me.” Then Madison said, “Are you even you anymore?”
No, she didn’t answer, but she had this funny expression on her face. “Do you think those people whose parts you took would want that?” Madison asked and then Tara said, “My mom said she got permission from their families.” “Right,” Madison said. “Their families, but not them. Because they were probably dead.” Tara said something about organ donors, I don’t remember exactly what, and Madison laughed. Her cheeks were all pink and her eyes were bright. Tara still had that weird look on her face, but she was kind of smiling, too, and I thought she was going to hit Madison or something, but she didn’t. Madison said, “What do you think would happen if we undid the stitches? Would you fall apart?”
No, I kept my mouth shut. So did Ellie. It was Madison’s thing. Tara shrugged and held out her hand for the bottle, acting like nothing was wrong at all, and that pissed Madison off even more. “Fucking freak,” she said and she hit her with the bottle on the side of her head, here.
Yeah, the temple. She must not have hit her that hard because Tara didn’t pass out or shout or anything. It didn’t even break the skin. There was a red mark, but it didn’t even look like it hurt her at all. Then Madison took a pair of scissors out of her purse and said, “Maybe we should find out.”
Yeah, those are the ones. I can tell by the blue handle things. And Tara didn’t even look scared, that was the weird part. She grabbed Madison’s wrist, and said, “Go ahead.” Madison tried to yank her arm back and couldn’t and her eyes got really wide. Then Tara let go and we could see the marks on Madison’s skin. “Maybe I will,” Madison said. Ellie said, come on M, let’s just hang out, okay, and Madison told her to shut the fuck up and if she wanted to leave, she knew how to get out. I could see that Madison was scared, but she was more pissed off and that’s why she wasn’t going to back down.
I could tell by her face. And the thing was, neither was Tara. I didn’t even know her that well, but it was obvious. I don’t think she thought Madison would do it, but Madison did. I think she had to, otherwise Tara would’ve won, you know? First she held up her phone though and gave it to Ellie and told her to record it. Ellie didn’t want to, but she did, and even that didn’t bother Tara, even though she had to know that it would probably go viral and then everyone would know. Madison held the scissors for a long time and then she cut one stitch, and then, super fast, almost like she wanted to do it before thinking about it too much, she cut another. The whole room smelled bad, like really bad, rotten bad. I swear, I didn’t know Madison was really going to do it. She wanted to make Tara cry. If Tara had, it would’ve stopped right then and there.
Believe what you want, but I’m serious.
No, I’m not saying it was Tara’s fault. Not really. But she could’ve stopped it.
Ellie and I were just sitting there. What were we supposed to do? Tara wasn’t fighting or anything. She kept holding out her arm and she still didn’t look scared. So Madison kept cutting the stitches, even when the smell was so bad Ellie and I were practically gagging. There wasn’t any blood, though. Not then. Ellie was crying and I knew she was trying to figure out what would be worse—staying or going. And the look on Tara’s face the whole time, it was fucking creepy. Her hand was hanging off and the inside, it was awful. I knew I was going to puke so I ran out of the house—I didn’t even say goodbye—and threw up outside in the bushes.
Because I didn’t want to see anymore. I told you I can’t watch gross stuff.
I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking about Tara, I wasn’t thinking about any of them. I didn’t even care if Madison never talked to me again. I was halfway home when I realized my bracelet was missing, and that’s why I went back.
No, I didn’t call anybody. I wanted to go in, find my bracelet, and leave. The house was quiet—I thought maybe everyone left already—and my bracelet wasn’t anywhere downstairs, so I went up to the room. Tara was still there, but she was alone. Madison chickened out after all, like I thought she would.
No, Tara wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t even see the blood right away because she had her arm kind of off to the side. She asked me if I knew. “Knew what?” I said. “What Madison was going to do,” she said. I lied and told her no. Did it matter anyway? If her mom could do all the rest, she could fix that easy. “She’s going to put it online, isn’t she, so everyone can see it.” I shrugged, but I think she already knew the answer just by the way she said it.
Yeah, by that time I saw it was completely off, the whole way. The scissors were on the floor beside her, next to the blood and the hand. I didn’t really look at it, though—I couldn’t—but she saw me not looking and said, “It didn’t even hurt that much.” She said she thought there’d be more blood and she was going to undo the rest. I told her she should go home, that the video wouldn’t be that big of a deal, that her mom could fix her. She laughed, gave me that weird look again, and said she hit that tree on purpose. “I left a note and everything,” she said.
No, I didn’t say anything, but she asked if I wanted to stay. She said I could even record her if I wanted to, said it would be better for me if I did.
Are you kidding? Uh-uh, no way was I going to stay there. I mean, what would you have done? And I didn’t think she was serious. I thought she was trying to scare me or gross me out. Payback, you know?
No, I didn’t call anybody that time either. I went home and didn’t even text Madison or Ellie.
No, not until later and then all I did was text Madison that she was a bitch. She texted back fuck you and that was it. I didn’t even know Madison put the video online until the next day.
I’m telling the truth. I felt sick from puking so I went to bed early. When I got up, my mom told me Ellie’s mom had called her because Ellie told her what happened.
What do you think? She was pissed off. She told me we were stupid, what were we thinking, she raised me better than that, all the normal stuff moms say. But how were we supposed to know what Tara was going to do?
No, uh-uh, you’re wrong. We didn’t just stop recording. I told you, I left first and when I went back, Ellie and Madison were gone but Tara was still there and she was fine. Her hand was off, but she was okay. Her arm wasn’t even bleeding, not that I could tell. That’s the truth. And when I left, she was still okay. If you watch the video, you can see everything that happened.
I don’t know why she had my bracelet in her hand. I told you I lost it. I guess she found it.
No, that’s not what happened. You have to believe me.
Because I’m telling the truth, that’s why.
>
I know she left a note. She told me so.
A different note? What did it say?
Bullies? Us? That’s such bullshit.
Well, maybe her mom’s lying.
I don’t know why. I never met her.
No, Alex came up with the nickname and made the pictures, not Madison. I don’t care what her mom says the stupid note said. We were nice to her.
I am telling you the truth.
She didn’t tell me why she was going to do it. Maybe she was unhappy. Maybe she wanted to see what would happen. Maybe she figured her mom would just put her back together.
No, I don’t know how she did it all. I told you, I wasn’t there. Nobody was except her.
Then maybe someone else came in after we left and helped her. I don’t know.
I don’t care how stupid it sounds. I’m telling you the truth. Maybe she wanted you to think we did it, but we didn’t. I swear we didn’t. She did it to herself. That’s the truth. Ask Madison and Ellie, they’ll tell you the same thing. She did it to herself.
In the Spaces Where You Once Lived
A doe picks her way from between two trees at the edge of their back yard, keeping to the narrow path, her legs moving with a dancer’s grace. Helena holds her breath, even though she and the deer are separated by a wide expanse of lawn, a deck, and locked French doors. Somehow, it seems the right thing to do. Her hand instinctively reaches for Jack’s, touches empty air instead. They say it takes twenty-one days to break a habit; the heart knows nothing of such things.
The doe lifts her head, tips it in Helena’s direction. Its eyes seem wrong, pale where they should be dark—blind, perhaps? Or ill?—and several patches appear to be missing from its fur. Helena squints and leans closer to the glass, but before she can take a good look, the animal’s ears twitch and it turns tail and disappears back into the woods, moving too surefooted to be blind. A few orange leaves spiral down from the trees, as if marking the doe’s passage, but as yet, the branches hold more than they’ve shed. The temperature is still mild, and Helena longs to follow the doe into the deeper woods. Maybe if she were younger, maybe if circumstances were different.
Cry Your Way Home Page 20
