by Marie Force
I think about what I’m going to say for a long moment, and then I force myself to look him dead in the eyes. “Last night, I would’ve loved to hear you say that. Now you’re saying it for all the wrong reasons, and that’s not okay. So I respectfully decline your offer to ‘take back’ what you said last night.”
I’m almost to the door when he says, “This is not over, Addison. It’s not even kinda over.”
I resist the urge to reply to that comment and smile to myself as the door clicks shut behind me. All things considered, I’d say that went very well.
Chapter 9
I’m losing my fucking mind. The thought of Addie seeking out BDSM training from someone other than me makes me insane. As I zip up my jeans, I can’t believe she blew the truth out of me, basically proving my point. Addison York is no one’s submissive, and I have zero control over her.
Picturing her submitting to someone else, though… That kills me. I reach for my phone and call Gordon Yates, our director of security in LA.
“Hey, Hayden. Nothing new to report on your mom. She’s had a quiet few days at home.”
“Good to hear. I’ve got another situation I could use your help with. I need eyes on Addison York.”
“Flynn’s assistant?”
“Yeah.” I grit my teeth to keep from correcting him. Yes, she’s Flynn’s assistant, but she’s also my woman.
“What’s the concern?”
“She’s been making some questionable choices lately.” I feel like an absolute shit for saying that, because the only questionable choice Addie has made is getting involved with me. “I want to make sure she’s safe.”
“Can you define questionable or give me something else to go on?”
“I want to be apprised of her whereabouts.”
“Anything in particular?”
“All of it. Everything she does, I want to know.”
“That’s gonna cost you, my friend.”
“Add it to my bill.” I’m already spending a small fortune to keep eyes on my mother. What’s another small fortune if it means keeping Addie safe and out of the hands of a Dom who doesn’t love her like I do?
“You got it. I’ll be in touch.”
“Thanks, Gordon.” Though I’ve got a million and one things to do and people waiting to get back to work on the film that defies naming, I take the elevator to the fifth floor. I pass Addie’s closed door. Is she in there researching LA-area BDSM clubs? I want to break down the door to find out. Barely resisting the urge to storm in there to see what she’s doing, I go down the hall to Flynn’s office. The door is open, so I step inside and close it behind me.
I ought to be fucking furious with him for what happened earlier, but I’ve got too many other problems at the moment.
“Hey,” he says, removing reading glasses. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is fucking fantastic.” I flop into the chair in front of his desk. “She knows, and she wants me to train her.”
“And you said…”
“No. I fucking said no, because as much as she cares about me—and she does, I know she does—she’s not submissive. It’d be a disaster from the get-go, and I’m not going there.”
Looking relieved, he sits back in his chair and puts his feet on the desk. “For what it’s worth, I think you made the right call.”
“I know I did, but guess what? She says if I won’t train her, she’ll find someone else who will.”
He sits up so abruptly, his feet drop to the floor and his mouth hangs open in shock. “She said what?”
“You heard me. She’s determined to find out more about the lifestyle, and if I won’t teach her, then she’s going to do her own research. What the fuck, Flynn? I’m fucking damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
Leaning his elbows on the desk, he appears to mull it over. “Can I ask you something and will you tell me the truth?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Do you love her?”
“Yeah, I do. I have for a long time. You know why I couldn’t do anything about it, and now she does, too.” I’ve never said those words to anyone before, and when I’ve heard them from other people, often it was because they wanted something from me. Except for the other night when Addie said them. That was real, and all she wants from me is me.
“Maybe, if you love her, you could train her—”
“No.”
“Hear me out. She may not be classically submissive, but she might be able to get there because she knows how much it means to you.”
I’m shaking my head before he finishes. “I’m not training her.”
“You know Addie as well as I do. When she sets her mind to something, she doesn’t back down. If she said she’s going to find someone else to train her, she probably will. Are you going to be okay with that?”
“How okay would you feel about another Dom training Natalie?”
His brow furrows, and his expression is positively murderous.
“Exactly.”
“So what’re you going to do?”
“I’ve got Gordon watching her every move effective immediately, and if I hear that she’s heading for danger, I’ll intervene.”
“Intervene how?”
“I’ll go in there and get her.”
“And when she has you charged with kidnapping and assault?”
“She won’t do that.”
“This is Addie we’re talking about. I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“She knows what you and I deal with in regard to the press and the Hollywood gossip machine. She’d never do that to me—or to you through me. What happens to me affects you, and she cares too much about both of us to cause trouble for Quantum.”
“Maybe so, but I’d still think carefully about this plan of yours. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
“What would be worse? Me going after her, or her getting hurt by a Dom who hasn’t the first fucking clue how to properly care for a sub?”
“The latter. Definitely the latter.”
“Remember how stupid and clueless we were at first?”
Cringing, he nods in agreement. His first marriage ended in disaster because he pushed his wife for way more than he should have—among other reasons.
“What if she encounters someone who doesn’t treat her right?” I ask.
“We’ll have him killed.”
“Seriously, Flynn. The thought of that makes me crazy. She says I can’t forbid her to do this, but you could. As her boss, you could tell her not to do it.”
“Whoa.” He holds up his hands. “That’s not happening.”
“Not even to keep her safe?”
“Addie is a smart woman. She doesn’t need me or you or any man running interference for her.”
“She’s a smart woman who has no idea what she’s getting into by venturing into our lifestyle.”
“I’m not going to tell her not to, Hayden. I’ll tell her to be careful and do her homework, but I can’t—and won’t—intervene in her personal life.”
I rub my fist over a sharp ache in my chest. “I feel like I’m having a heart attack.”
“You did the right thing by putting Gordon on it. He’ll let you know if she’s venturing into trouble.”
“What if I get there too late and she’s hurt or worse?” I rub my chest more urgently. “I fucked this up so bad, Flynn. Last night, I told her we can’t be together anymore, and then today she overhears you guys talking and forces me to tell her the truth. And then when I do, she won’t let me take back what I said last night and… Oh my fucking God! Are you laughing?”
He’s laughing so hard he can’t speak.
It’s all I can do not to reach across the desk and pound the shit out of him. “What the fuck is so funny?”
“You are,” he says when he recovers the ability to speak. “You’re always so cool and collected when it comes to women. Seeing you like this over someone we both love is refreshing, to say the least.”
“I don�
�t want to be like this. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her or anyone else. That’s not how I roll, and you know it.”
“Then I guess you have no choice but to let her go and hope for the best for her and yourself.”
“That’s a shitty option.”
“Let me see if I can sum things up for you. You fucked her, left her, refused to train her and now you’re having a heart attack because she wants to find someone who will train her. Did I miss anything?”
“Yeah, you missed the part where I fucking pound you for gloating about it.”
“I’m not gloating.”
“What would you call it?”
“I’m summarizing a series of events for you. That’s all.”
“It’s a series of very unfortunate events.” But not all of it was unfortunate. The hours I’d spent lost in her sweet body were anything but unfortunate. Remembering how her tight pussy clamped down on my cock when she came has me hard as steel. I shift in my seat and cross my legs.
“I have to find a way to fix this before she does something that can’t be undone.”
“Have you tried groveling? Begging? Those things worked well for me when I fucked up with Nat.”
“Hayden Roth doesn’t grovel or beg.”
“Then I guess Hayden Roth will have to be prepared to see the woman he loves tied to another man’s St. Andrew’s cross.”
“Fuck you. Fuck you all the way to hell and back again.”
Chuckling, he says, “It might be time to grovel and beg.”
I hate that he’s right, but I can’t deny that the idea of groveling is far better than imagining her submitting to someone other than me. I push to my feet. “Fine. If that’s what it’ll take, I’ll do it.”
“Since you’ve never done it before, I can give you some pointers about how to really sell it.”
“You’re enjoying this way too much.”
“I’m not enjoying the idea of Addie doing something dangerous. But seeing you out of your mind and in love with one of the best women I know? Yeah, I’m kinda digging that part.”
“Fuck you,” I mutter on my way out the door, slamming it for added emphasis. And here I thought he was my best friend. He’s an asshole. I take the stairs to the sixth floor where everyone is waiting for me to get back to work, even though my concentration is blown to hell and back again. I’ll get through the day, and then I’m going talk some sense into her.
From my office, I can hear Hayden shouting in Flynn’s office. I hope they aren’t at odds because of me. I couldn’t help overhearing Flynn and Natalie, and when I realized they were talking about Hayden and me, well, what would you do? Flynn and Hayden get into it all the time, and they always bounce back. They will this time, too.
I’m thrilled that Hayden is so upset about my plan to seek training elsewhere. It’s the least of what he deserves for being so obstinate. His behavior reminds me of being a little kid and fighting over toys on the playground. I don’t want that toy, but I don’t want you to have it either.
Part of me aches for him. His experience with functional relationships is limited to his Quantum partners and a few other friends. He’s never had a long-term relationship with a woman that I know of, but he’s never lacked for female companionship. He’s in uncharted waters with me, and he has no idea how to cope with the emotional element. He’s got the physical part down to a science, but since he’s never done both at the same time, it’s up to me to show him how.
In case you’re wondering, I’m going to forgive him for being an idiot. Eventually. Why should I make it easy on him?
My gaze settles on a plaque one of my girlfriends gave me after a breakup years ago. It says, “I’ve tripped and fallen. My heart has been broken. But even when I was hurting, I always found a way to pick myself up and carry on. I am a woman. I am a strong woman. I will never give up.”
On more than one occasion, I’ve needed the reminder that I can get through anything, and the current situation requires all my strength and fortitude. I’m determined to get what I want—and I want Hayden Roth. I want a life with him. I want to love him and have him return my love freely and without reservation. I want to be everything he wants and needs in a partner and a lover.
I pick up the phone to call my stylist friend Tenley, one of the best-connected women in all of Hollywood and one of the most sexually liberated women I’ve ever met. If anyone can help me find what I need, it’s her.
“Oh my God,” she says. “I was going to call you today. What’s up with you kissing Hayden Roth on international TV?”
“Hello to you, too, and in case you didn’t notice, he kissed me.”
“I noticed, and so did the rest of the world. Are you two together? I had no idea!”
“Nah, we’re just friends.” I hate to lie to her, but Hayden and I are a long way from ready to go public with our relationship. “He got caught up in the moment.”
“That looked like more than a moment, but if you’re going to hold out on me…”
“No holdout. We’re really just friends.” Right at this moment, that’s the truth. She doesn’t need to know the rest, especially with what I’m about to ask of her. I don’t need her putting two and two together to get that Hayden is a sexual dominant. “I’ve been asked to do some research in scouting locations for a scene at a BDSM club. I was wondering if you have any recommendations.”
“What makes you think I’d know anything about BDSM?”
“Because you know something about everything in this town and because you’ve told me you’re sexually adventurous.”
“You’re right on both counts,” she says with a laugh. “You could check out Black Vice in the Hollywood Hills. It’s one of the best clubs in town, and the owner, Master Devon Black, is a friend of mine. A close friend. I could introduce you and ask him to give you a tour.”
The words “Master Devon Black” make my blood race as I wonder what he’s like. “That’d be amazing. Would you mind seeing if you can set it up for tonight or tomorrow night?”
“You’re in a big rush, huh?”
“Apparently, this scene was just added to the film at the last minute, so they need the info pretty quickly.”
“I’ll give him a call and see what I can do.”
“If you could not mention who I am or who I work for, that’d be best. I’d hate to get the rags talking about the guys.”
“Say no more. I understand completely. I’ll get back to you shortly.”
“Thanks, Tenley. I really appreciate it.”
“Anything for a friend.”
We say our good-byes, and I force myself to get back to work on the plans for the Mexico trip as well as Flynn and Natalie’s trips to Rome and Prague. I have a long to-do list after yesterday’s foundation meeting, too, including trying to find a place to hold the carnival. Flynn’s parents offered up their Beverly Hills home, but he wants me to give the board several options to choose from before any final decisions are made. I think he’s worried, and rightfully so, about inviting the public into his parents’ home.
I hear back from Tenley after lunch that Devon Black will see me at ten o’clock tonight. My body tingles with anticipation of what I might learn from him.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Tenley asks.
I want that so badly I can barely speak. “Do you want to?”
“Sure. Sounds like fun. I’ll pick you up at nine, and we’ll get a drink before we go.”
I’m more relieved than I let on that I won’t have to go alone. “That’d be great. I’ll be ready.”
“See you then.”
I’m not proud of how I spend the rest of my afternoon—surfing the Internet for as much information as I can find about BDSM, dominance and submission, the lifestyle itself, the people who enjoy it and the emotional as well as physical elements. As I read, my imagination runs wild as I picture myself at Hayden’s mercy while trying not to picture Flynn and Natalie doing the stuff I’m reading about.
/> It’s fascinating in every sense of the word. I drop so deep into the rabbit hole of intrigue that I’m completely startled when Mackenzie pops in to tell me she’s leaving.
“You’ve been quiet today,” she says.
I wonder if my face is flushed from my research. “A lot going on.”
“Oh, well, see you in the morning.”
“See you then.” A glance at the clock on my computer tells me it’s five thirty. I feel guilty about how I totally wasted this afternoon, but it was for a good cause. It’s in the best interest of everyone at Quantum if Hayden is happy, and I intend to make him happy. I clear the history on my browser twice and then do a check for keywords to make sure it actually cleared. I shut down the computer rather than putting it to sleep, hoping that will provide even more assurance that no one will be able to see what I’ve been up to.
Not that I expect anyone will check on me, but one can never be too cautious when searching for information about BDSM while at work. I grab my keys and purse and head to the elevator, aching twice as much as I was earlier. I’m dreaming about the painkillers I left sitting on my counter at home when the elevator dings.
It opens, and there’s Hayden, slouched against the back wall. He straightens when he sees me.
“You go ahead,” I say. “I’ll take the next one.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. We can share a freaking elevator.”
“Fine.” I step in and turn my back to him.
“So this is how it’s going to be?” he asks on the way down.
“How what’s going to be?”
“You and me, avoiding each other, not speaking, that kind of stupid shit.”
“When did I avoid you or not speak to you?”
“Just now when you told me you’d take the next elevator.” He moves closer to me. His lips brush against my ear and his hands squeeze my hips.
I want to sag into his embrace and let him hold me and comfort me and tell me it’s all been a big mistake. Of course we’re meant to be together. How can it be any other way? But I remain stubbornly still, hoping to send the message that I’m unaffected by his touch when I’m anything but. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
