by Marie Force
“I already told him he won’t scare me off.”
“How can you say that when you don’t know what you’re signing on for?” Flynn asks.
“I do know. I’ve done some research. I’ve seen what goes on.”
“When? Where? You just found out about this.”
“I went with a friend to Black Vice and had a tour.”
Flynn’s face registers shock and disbelief.
“Don’t act like it’s so unbelievable that I would do that! I love him! I want to understand him! He’s refused to train me, so I’ve found someone else who will.”
Flynn drops his glass onto a table with a loud thunk. “No fucking way, Addison. This is not something you just go out and do.”
“Give me a little credit, will you?” It’s not often that I find myself truly furious with him, but this is one of those times. “I’m not an idiot, Flynn. I know exactly what I’m doing, and I’ll be doing it in a safe, sane, consensual environment.”
His jaw pulses with tension, and I can tell he’s on the verge of losing it. So can Natalie, because she gets up and goes to him.
She puts an arm around him. “Settle down.”
“I will not settle down when she hasn’t the first clue about what she’s getting into!”
“Yes, she does,” Marlowe says. “We’re talking about Addie. She’s nothing if not thorough, and that’s why you brag about her being the best assistant in Hollywood. I have no doubt that whatever she’s doing, she’s researched it thoroughly and feels comfortable.”
I smile at her. “Exactly that.”
“I don’t like it,” Flynn says.
“You don’t have to,” Natalie says. “It’s her life and her choice, and frankly, I don’t blame her for doing her own research. That’s what I would do in her shoes.”
Flynn’s low growl lets his wife know what he thinks of that statement.
“Tell me more about what you’ve got planned,” Marlowe says.
“I have a date tomorrow night—or I guess it’s tonight now—with one of Devon’s staff members, who will oversee my training.”
When Flynn starts to object, Natalie puts her hand over his mouth. His eyes flash with rage. I fear she’ll be in for it when they get home, but judging by the dewy glow of happiness she constantly wears, she seems to enjoy his brand of punishment.
“And you feel confident that he’s someone you can trust and who’ll take good care of you?” Marlowe asks.
“I trust my friend, who trusts Devon Black, who trusts Andre, so yes. I feel confident.” I don’t, really, but I keep that to myself. The only man I want to surrender to won’t have me.
“I agree that you’re going to keep that date and find out more about what you’d be taking on with Hayden,” Marlowe says with a calculating look in her eyes.
“What’re you up to, Mo?” Flynn asks.
“What if you were to casually mention to Hayden that Addie has a date with a Dom at Black’s place?”
“He’d fucking lose his mind!”
“Exactly,” Marlowe says, smiling.
“So wait…” Flynn begins to pace again. “Are you suggesting we set him up?”
“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. He needs a nudge, and if this doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.”
Listening to Marlowe’s plan, I feel a flutter of hope in the area of my breastbone. It’s a delicate, fragile feeling that I want to hold tight to, even though I’m scared, too. Marlowe’s idea goes much further than Devon’s would have.
“Addie?” Marlowe asks. “What do you think?”
“Do I really want him if I have to trick him into wanting me?”
“That’s not what you’re doing,” Natalie says. “Wanting you isn’t the problem. If he actually sees you embracing his lifestyle, that might make a difference to him.”
“I don’t like the idea of her embracing the lifestyle outside of our clubs,” Flynn says.
Once again, I’m stunned. “Wait a minute. There’re clubs? Where?”
“Um, in the basements of the Quantum buildings here and in New York,” Flynn says, seeming reluctant to share.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” This is truly shocking to me. “Right under my nose? When can I go there?”
Marlowe waves her hand. “Let’s worry about that another day. Are you in on this plan or what?”
“You’re sure it’s a good idea?” The only person I trust more than Marlowe is my dad, with Flynn also at the top of the list. They’ve been the three most important people in my life for a lot of years.
“If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have suggested it,” Marlowe says. “You’re just what he needs, Addie, and he’s so afraid of screwing it up that he refuses to even try. We need to take that option off the table and give him no choice but to let you all the way into his life, which is where he wants you anyway. Don’t you agree, Flynn?”
Other than when Natalie’s painful past was being made public, I’ve never seen him so tense. “I’m not a big fan of game playing in situations like this, but I agree that Hayden’s never going to come to this conclusion on his own, and a push in the right direction might be beneficial.”
“Okay, so it’s unanimous,” Marlowe says.
Natalie holds up her hand. “Wait. Do I get a vote?”
“Of course you do, babe.” Flynn is acting as if this is his deal rather than mine. But who am I to quibble over the details when I want to hear what she has to say?
“You know I want you to get everything you’ve ever wished for and then some, right?” Natalie asks me.
“I think so.”
“I do.” She crosses the room to sit at the foot of my chaise. “You’ve been such a good friend to me since Flynn and I got together, and I’d love to wave a magic wand and have this situation with Hayden magically resolved with both of you happy and in love and planning a future together.”
Because that’s what I want, too, I feel my throat tighten with emotion.
“I just don’t know if this is the right way to go about it. I’ve seen his temper in action, and it’s not something to trifle with. He’s apt to kill someone if he thinks another guy is touching what he considers his.”
“That’s a good point,” Flynn says.
“Then we bring Devon Black in on it,” Marlowe says. “I know him. I’ll give him a heads-up.”
“It would be better if he knew,” Natalie says.
“I’ll make the call,” Marlowe says. “So we’re in agreement? We have a plan?”
All eyes turn to me. I realize this is probably the last chance I’m going to have to convince Hayden that I can be everything he wants and needs. I take a deep breath and release it slowly. “We have a plan.”
Chapter 14
After I leave Addie’s, I drive around aimlessly. I already regret leaving, and I hate that I hurt her. I suppose it was inevitable, which is exactly why I kept my distance for so long. Thinking about Oscar night, when she basically took the choice away from me, I realize I was powerless to resist her. I lost control, and I can’t let that happen.
It was the right thing to leave, but even knowing that, I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without touching her again. How will I go back to being just her friend after having experienced the exquisite pleasure I found in her arms? I feel like I’m going to be sick, and I pull off the road.
Throwing open the door, I breathe in the cool night air, wishing for comfort that I already know can only be found with her. Part of me wants to say fuck it, fuck it all, and go back.
God, if this is what it feels like to be in love, I want nothing to do with it. No wonder my parents couldn’t manage to go the distance with any of their spouses. If this is what it was like for them, I don’t blame them for bailing.
When it becomes apparent that the meager contents of my stomach are going to stay down, I close the car door and contemplate my choices. I need help, and I have no idea where to turn. My partners and friends at Quantum
are too close to Addie to be objective. I have other friends, lots of them, but no one I would share something like this with. There is one person who has always been there for me in times of crisis, and knowing she’s usually up half the night reading and watching TV, I put the car into gear to head for my home-away-from-home in Pasadena.
I don’t want to scare her, so while I wait at a red light at the entrance to the 110, I text her to ask if I can stop by.
You’ve got the code, honey. Come on in.
Be there in twenty.
I pull up to the house seventeen minutes later and punch Sebastian’s birthday into the keypad outside the gate, which swings open to admit me. I bought the Spanish hacienda-style home for Graciela with some of the first money I ever made on my films. I’ll never forget the day I brought her here and handed her the keys. She cried so hard I worried I’d have to take her to the emergency room.
Smiling at the memory, I kill the engine outside the mudroom door that we use to come and go.
Thanks to my patronage, she doesn’t work anymore. Rather, she donates her time to other youth in need, doing for them what she once did for me. Every time my parents forgot they had a son on a holiday or birthday, Graciela filled the void. She never forgot about me, and I’ve never forgotten her or what she did for me.
My family has no idea I’m still in touch with my father’s former housekeeper, let alone that I happily support her. I enjoy imagining what my father would have to say about that since I’ve refused to give him one dime of my earnings—and he has asked plenty of times. Why should I? He barely acknowledged me until I had money, so I’m not inclined to share with him or his “real” family, as he once referred to his other kids while raging at me about something.
Wearing a robe and slippers, Graciela is waiting for me at the door and greets me with a warm hug. With her long dark hair framing her pretty, unlined face, she looks much younger than her sixty years.
“This is a nice surprise, hijo.” I love when she calls me the Spanish word for son, which is what she also calls Sebastian. Funny how one small word can convey a world of meaning. Though she left Mexico with her family as a very young girl, her native tongue still makes an appearance from time to time.
She hooks her arm through mine and leads me to the cozy family room that’s my favorite room in the house. The TV is paused on Jimmy Fallon’s face. She records his show and watches after it’s over so she can skip the commercials.
“What brings you out so late?”
“I need a shoulder.”
“Mine are always available to you. You know that.”
“Sorry to come at this hour.”
She pours me a glass of Pappy and hands it to me. “You’re well aware that I’m always up past my bedtime.”
I gesture to the TV screen. “Still nursing that crush, huh?”
“You know it. I’d leave home for Jimmy.”
“I told him that when Flynn and I were on the show last year. He said he’s coming for you.”
“My bags are packed.”
I smile at the predictable reply as she curls up on the sofa next to me, hugging one of the plump pillows she has all over the house. Sebastian and I tease her about how many pillows one woman needs, and she says a body can never have too many. As far as we’re concerned, she can have a million of them if that’s what makes her happy.
“You didn’t come here to talk about Jimmy Fallon.”
“No.” I focus on the movement of the amber liquid in my glass. “There’s a woman.”
“Ahhh,” she says with a big smile. “I had a feeling. Is it Flynn’s Addie?”
Startled, I look over at her. “How do you know?”
“The whole world saw you kiss her on TV, hijo. I was watching. One of my boys was up for the big awards. I saw the whole thing.”
“That was the start of it. Well, it started a long time ago, if I’m being truthful, but that was the first time I acted on it.”
“Why so long?”
“It’s complicated.”
“The best things usually are,” she says with a knowing smile. She’d been wildly in love with Sebastian’s father, who left her while she was pregnant and then came back ten years later to make amends to both of them. As far as I know, they’re still together, but for whatever reason, they don’t live together. She’s private about her personal life, and I don’t pry. “What’s so complicated with your Addie?”
“What isn’t complicated?” I take a deep breath and release it. “Other than what she means to my closest friends, she’s Flynn’s assistant and everyone loves her.”
“Including you?”
“Yeah.”
“Is that the problem?”
“Kind of.”
“I’ve waited a long time to see one of my boys finally take the fall.” Her smile is full of maternal delight. “It’s high time, wouldn’t you say?”
“It feels like total shit. Is it supposed to feel like that?”
She dissolves into laughter that infuriates me. How dare she laugh when I’m dead serious?
“Hayden, honey, it only feels like shit when you fight it. Why’re you fighting it?”
“Because! It’ll be a freaking disaster.” I still don’t dare say the actual F word around her after having my mouth washed out with soap as a nine-year-old trying out the word for the first time. “I’m not cut out for the things she wants from me. Look at my parents. Look at how I was raised. What do I know about relationships or making them work?”
“Seems to me you know quite a lot. How far back do we go?”
I eye her with disdain. “You know full well we go all the way back.”
“And you still show up. You still care about Sebastian and me and your other friends, like Flynn, who you’ve known for twenty-five years. You’ve got more friends than anyone I know, and you’re loyal to all of them, not to mention what you do for your mother.”
“Addie says the same thing, but it’s different with her. That’s not the kind of relationship she wants to have with me.”
“I should hope she wants a hell of a lot more from you.”
“She wants everything.”
“Would it be so hard to try, Hayden?”
“It would be hard if I tried and failed. Too many people who matter to me, including Addie, would hate me if I screw it up.”
“The Hayden Roth I know and love doesn’t care what people think of him.”
“He cares what some people think.”
“That’s not enough to keep the man I know from being with the woman he loves. So what aren’t you telling me?”
I take a drink from the glass and then put it on the table. For once, Pappy isn’t doing a thing for me tonight. “I feel out of control when I’m with her, like everything is spinning away from me, and I can’t seem to make sense of anything.”
“Ahhh, I see,” she says, nodding, an astute expression on her face. “That would mess with your equilibrium.”
“Yes, exactly!” I’m relieved she gets it.
“Of course, you know that’s total bullshit.”
I’m not sure which shocks me more—that she doesn’t actually get it or the words she uses to say so. “What does that mean?”
“No matter how hard you try, you can’t control every aspect of your life. You can’t control what other people do or feel. You can’t control how you feel about some things. As much as you’d like to think you can, you can’t actually stop the world from turning or bad things from happening. That’s life, hijo. Shit happens. People fall in love, and they survive it.”
“I don’t know if I would. I have no idea how to do it. I don’t know how to be what she wants and needs.”
“Yes, you do. You know exactly how to love and be loved. You show up for me and for everyone you care about. You can do it for her, too. That’s all you have to do, Hayden. Show up for her. That’s what she wants from you.”
“You make it sound so simple when we both know it’s anything but.”
“It’s messy and complicated and painful and beautiful and joyful and agonizing all at the same time.”
“Sounds like the flu,” I mutter.
She laughs and shoves my shoulder. “Stop being such a grumpy old man. It’s nothing like the flu, as you know, or you wouldn’t be so torn up about it.”
“I can’t even bring myself to say the words she needs to hear, even though I feel them. I’ve never said them to a woman before.”
“When the time is right, and the feeling is right, they’ll be the easiest words you’ll ever say.”
In the scope of a minute, the time I’ve spent recently with Addie replays in my mind like the sweetest movie I’ll ever shoot. In addition to the last few incredible days, I also see flashbacks from years of friendship, smiles and laughter and sunny days at the beach, nights on the town and so many memories that revolve around her.
“You need to give yourself a chance to be happy, Hayden. If anyone has earned that right, you have.”
“That’s not true. Lots of people have grown up worse off than I did.”
“Not too many people I know.”
I shake my head. I’ve never been able to handle people feeling sorry for the poor little rich kid whose parents ignored him.
“Let go of that rigid control of yours and let her in, if that’s where she wants to be. Stop thinking about the worst that could happen and try thinking about the best.”
“And what would that be?”
“A beautiful, sweet life with the woman you love.”
Yearning so sharp and so intense takes my breath away. I can’t recall ever wanting anything more than I want that sweet life with Addison. “I want that,” I say in a gruff whisper. “I want her. I want her so much that it makes me feel powerless.”
“You’re not powerless, my love. You have the power to create a life that makes you happy and satisfied. There’s no greater power than that.” She holds out her arms to me, and I go to her, resting my forehead on her shoulder while she runs her fingers through my hair, mothering me the way she has my whole life, when my own mother has been unable to. “You’ll never be sorry for taking a chance. But if you don’t, I fear you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”
