by Rowan Shaw
"Raphaël, I can't give anyone more than a few exceptional nights. That's what I do. That's who I am." I sighed. "If that's something you'd want to do, I'm fine with that."
"I can't afford your services," he said sullenly.
"Not as a service." I sustained his gaze to make my point clear. "We would fuck for free. No strings attached."
"I thought that wasn't allowed by your agency. Didn't you say fucking me and Charlotte was a slip?"
"It is against the rules, but I'm my own person. I do whatever I want in my own apartment. I can fuck whomever I want. No one needs to know what we're doing."
Raphaël gave me a long look. "I don't know. I mean... Charlotte assured me it'd be no strings attached too, and you can see how that went."
"You're still friends with her, though, right?"
"Yeah. Yes, of course."
"So what's the problem? It's not like it ruined your friendship."
"It's not a good idea."
I gave a nod I didn't feel. No matter how much I wanted him, I couldn't force him if he didn't want me too. I gave a faint smile and rose from the couch.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"To bed. I had a long day."
He hesitated for a second before giving a nod. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Raphaël."
When I was about to reach the door to my room, he called me back. "So will you come with me to visit my family?"
"I guess I will. How long will we be gone? I can't leave Ila alone for more than two days."
"Can't you bring her along?"
I tsked. "Not sure she'd like that. She's an indoorsy kind of cat." I wriggled my fingers. "Night."
Chapter 37
RAPHAËL
The couple of weeks leading to Christmas were stressful, to say the least. I was thankful the bakery let me take the time off during such a busy month because I was reaching a point of exhaustion where I might collapse. One of my coworkers wanted to get full-time hours, so everything had worked out perfectly. I'd managed to convince Adrien to join, even if he'd been more than reluctant, shifting between a "yes" and a "no" almost every other day.
I let him take the seat by the window when we entered the train. He set Ila's carrier at his feet, grateful there was enough space for her even though she kept complaining through eternal meows.
"Go to sleep. It won't be long," Adrien whispered to her, eliciting another unhappy sound. He looked at me as I sat down. "I should have given her a sleeping pill."
"Maybe. I'm sure she'll be fine. Not sure the other passengers will be thrilled, though."
I pulled my backpack from under my feet and opened it to grab my copy of Le Grand Meaulnes. I could finally relax for two full weeks. Granted, my thesis wasn't going to write itself, but I knew from experience my brain wouldn't function if I overworked its fuses until they burnt out. I opened my book, noticing Adrien looking outside the window, his headphones already over his ears. The train left the platform slowly to take us across the rails and under bridges tagged with graffiti, catching speed as it left the city. The sky was gray, announcing rain. I knew not to expect better weather in my region.
I settled back in my seat and read a bit, but Adrien's cologne permeated the air, mixed with his personal, masculine scent. It distracted me too much to focus. I looked at his iPod and stared when I saw the title playing. "I didn't know you liked Renaud."
He took down one of his headphones. "You said something?"
"I didn't know you liked Renaud."
"Oh yeah. I've always been a fan. Some of his songs give me chills. Here, do you like this one?" He placed his huge headphones over my head and played Mistral gagnant, a song written from the point of view of a father singing to his daughter. The melancholic tune gripped my guts.
"Makes me think of my sister," Adrien said with the saddest grin. "She loved that song when she was little."
"Is it your favorite song too?"
"Yes, but also this one." He flipped through the titles on his iPod and put on Dès que le vent soufflera, about a sailor at sea. It had a catchy rhythm I remembered from the radio.
"Do you like Yannick Noah?" I asked.
"As a tennis player?"
"No, as a singer."
"I don't know his music much. Just the songs I've heard."
"I have some of his CDs at my parents' place."
Adrien laughed at my expense. "You have CDs? What are you, a dinosaur?"
"Pfff. Sorry, but I like to touch what I pay for," I replied.
His sarcastic grin grew on one side, reaching his eyes. "I've heard that one many times before."
"Can you be serious for one second?" I exclaimed and gave him back his headphones.
"I guess not," he puffed, still jesting. "Anyway, you brought food, right?"
"No, I didn't bring anything."
He paused. "I thought we'd agreed you'd bring sandwiches."
"We said no such thing," I replied. "The trip is only an hour. I'm sure my parents will take us somewhere when we arrive. Knowing my mom, she's probably made crêpes and everything, too."
Adrien forced a smile, but the hint of melancholia in his eyes never fully dissipated. I hoped he'd be okay being around my family for five days. I didn't want this week to push him down into the pit.
Chapter 38
ADRIEN
Meeting Raphael's parents wasn't as awkward as I'd imagined. I wasn't used to being around families, but it wasn't like we were dating. The car trip from the station to their house in Vandœuvre was fairly relaxing. His family was nice, and I got a good vibe from them almost instantly.
I observed the neighborhood and the beige façades as his dad parked in the driveway and opened his door to get out. The Diops' house was small, but with two levels. It was nicely kept, featuring box planters under all the windows—all of them empty for the winter—and white shutters that rolled down at night. It was windier here than in Paris, but it was a nice change of scenery for me.
"You'll be sleeping in Florian's room," Mrs. Diop told me when I followed Raphaël and joined him by the trunk to get our suitcases. "He rarely uses it anymore. It'll be nice to have someone in there. I invited him over for Christmas, but he's visiting his girlfriend's parents."
Raphaël made a face at that, his mouth twirling down in disgust. I wasn't sure what the deal was, but I didn't have time to dwell on it because his mom was looking at me with beautiful hazel eyes that mirrored her son’s. Her white skin clashed against her jet black hair, her lips turning slightly blue from the cold as she stood there without a word, waiting for my reply.
"Whatever you offer is great, Mrs. Diop. Is it a problem if I let Ila out in the bedroom?"
"Please call me Christine. Et tutoie-moi, s'il te plaît. Your cat is welcome anywhere in the house. We're not allergic."
I nodded, agreeing to use her first name, though I wasn't about to use the familiar "tu" form when addressing her. Nor was I letting Ila roam the place. My cat could be trusted, but letting her own the house didn't feel like good manners.
"Raphaël told you about Florian, right?" his mom asked. "He's our other son. I guess you could say he's the second child we never had. I didn't grow him in my womb, but he is my son nonetheless."
I nodded, deciding I loved Mrs. Diop already. She was everything that was lacking in this world. I could picture her as the kind of person who would attend Pride just to offer free mom hugs. If only more parents were like her.
I stepped inside after the three of them and found myself in a tiny foyer where everyone took their shoes off before entering a bright open-floor living area with bleached white walls, a large fireplace, one couch big enough to sit three people, and two armchairs, all of them made of dark brown velvet. A wooden table that looked like an antique stood in the dining room, while a glass door looked out on the back patio.
Raphaël beckoned me up the stairs, then took me down a long hallway. "There are two toilets in the house, one upstairs and one downstairs, but
there's only one bathroom. In the morning, we need to wait for my dad to turn the heater on before we can wash up. I know you love long showers, but there's only a tub in this house, and there's only so much hot water for everyone. Unless you want to hear my dad rant, I'd advise you not to use it all."
I gave a nod as he pointed at the door all the way down the hall. "That's the toilet over there. The bathroom is here to your right."
He pointed at two more doors on either side. "That's my room, and that's my parents' room," he explained and tilted his chin while moving forward to open a door located on the left. "This is your room."
I followed him in and dropped my suitcase by the door along with Ila's carrier. The place was small but welcoming, with light blue walls and a bed already made with a marine blue comforter and white pillows. A wardrobe as well as a small desk faced the bed. I noticed a picture of Raphaël on top. He had his arm around some blond guy's shoulders, the two of them beaming at the camera.
"That's my best friend Florian that I told you about," Raphaël said. I could hear his affection for the guy seeping through his tone.
"Come down here when you're done," his mom shouted from downstairs. "I made coffee, and I have some cookies from Bretagne for you."
"Une minute, maman."
Raphaël left me behind to take his suitcase to his room while I freed Ila, who was reluctant to leave her carrier. I knew it smelled different here, and she wasn't used to traveling, but still. She hissed at me when I tried to pull her out so I decided to let her be. Instead, I took her litter box out of my suitcase as well as two bowls—all of them brand new and never used—then I opened a can of tuna for her before giving her some water from my bottle and filling her box. I placed her sleeping pillow next to it even though I knew she'd insist upon joining me in bed. I wasn't home; I wanted to ask Mrs. Diop if that was okay first. If not, I might have to leave her in the carrier for the night, which promised to be a nightmare for us both.
I didn't want to snoop or intrude upon Raphaël's privacy, so I waited for him by the stairs when I was done before heading to the living room with him. It turned out his mom was in the kitchen waiting for us. After I took a seat, Raphaël served me a cup of coffee. His dad joined us, and everyone came to the table to chat while nibbling on some butter galettes from Bretagne.
"So Raphaël said you travel for work sometimes?" Mr. Diop asked with a warm smile. I could see where Raphaël had gotten the dimples from as the same ones dug into his dad's dark brown skin.
"Yes," I replied cautiously. I didn't much like where this was going, though I was used to lying about my job.
"He said you work in marketing and customer service?"
"That's correct." I didn't elaborate. The situation was getting uncomfortable already, and we hadn't been here a half hour yet.
"He told us you're really good at your job," his mom added, smiling broadly.
I rounded my eyes at Raphaël, but he responded with an innocent smile, whispering "sorry."
I cleared my throat, shifting in my seat, about to reply with some bogus story when his mom added the expected yet dreaded sentence: "Your parents must be proud."
"Mom!" Raphaël exclaimed then looked at me. "I am so sorry. I didn't tell them. I didn't think it was my place."
I nodded. I appreciated his discretion, though it put me in the difficult position of having to explain my circumstances. "I no longer talk to my family."
I expected the Diops to react like most people did by gawking at me like I was a freak or a monster of some sort. It was "unnatural" for a child to reject his own parents. It rarely occurred to people that maybe I wasn't the one who had done the rejecting first. Yet, Raphaël's parents simply nodded as if my situation was nothing new.
His mom took a long breath. "May I ask what they did to you that you no longer talk to them?"
I was baffled by her question. Never had anyone considered the fact that I might have a valid reason for not having a family.
"Let's just say things got difficult when they found out I was queer."
Raphaël's dad groaned. "Reminds me of someone." He threw a quick glance at his wife, then at me. "You will always be welcome here, Adrien. Raphaël told us you've become good friends, and we truly appreciate you renting him the apartment when he was running out of options."
I didn't know how to reply to that. Obviously, they didn't know what else I'd done with their son. I wondered if they'd accept me as easily if they did.
"Aasim and I totally understand," Mrs. Diop said, motioning at her husband. "I'm not sure if Raphaël told you this, but my parents refused to see me when they found out I was dating Aasim. They've always been devout Catholics. They didn't approve of me seeing a Muslim."
I stared at her, then her husband.
"Thankfully, Aasim's parents were a lot more understanding. His parents practice their religion, but they accepted me as their own daughter, especially when my parents refused to even come to our wedding. Aasim's family opened their door to me and never looked back."
Mr. Diop gave his wife a warm, loving smile and squeezed her hand tightly before kissing her knuckles.
"I have rarely met people as kind and generous as Aasim's parents." Mrs. Diop grinned then gestured toward Raphaël. "Then, we had our son. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful gift. My parents asked to be involved when they heard of my pregnancy, but as far as I was concerned, it was too late to make amends. They sought to sue us and gain certain visiting rights. The few months after Raphaël's birth were really difficult on us because of them. But the court judged in our favor. That's rare—or so I've heard. We wouldn't have felt safe to leave Raphaël alone with them. They were so hateful toward Aasim."
I looked at Raphaël. He was so damn lucky to have parents who were willing to protect him like this. At least he seemed to appreciate the chance he'd had in life.
"We're a bit sad Raphaël isn't a believer. We tried to raise him to believe and let him choose his faith, but he chose to have none."
"Mom!"
She raised her hands and grabbed her son's face to kiss his cheek, her long hair falling over her shoulders. Raphaël rolled his eyes, and when the conversation came to a standstill, he asked me if I wanted to go out for a walk. I couldn't lie, the affection between them was painful to watch, even if it was heartwarming. I needed some time outside to clear my head. I gave a nod and thanked Mrs. Diop for the coffee and cookies.
Chapter 39
RAPHAËL
Christmas Eve unfolded as it traditionally did with its share of foie gras, lobster tails, roe on toasted bread, and champagne. Mom kept the dinner rather light because she had a huge feast planned for Christmas Day. After all, one wouldn't want us to get sick before we got to taste the raw oysters or finish the chocolate bûche.
When we were done and after everyone had gone to bed around midnight, I went to knock on Adrien's door to check on him. Though he'd seemed rather jovial all evening, he couldn't completely hide the grief from his eyes. There were times when he looked away, staring into space, and it was hard to ignore the pain veiling his face.
I found him lying on his bed, his headphones over his ears. He took them off when I walked in and gazed at me, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, slowly rising into a lazy smile. Ila was curled up by his side, sleeping peacefully while he stroked her fur. I was surprised how quickly Mom had allowed the cat to join Adrien in bed considering she'd never even let me have a pet to begin with. I suspected she had a soft spot for Adrien. She'd already commented at least five times about how polite and sweet he was.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Just wanted to check on you." I went to his bed and sat down.
"Yeah? I'm good." He was looking at Ila when he said it, still petting her.
"Why won't you look at me, then?"
His Adam's apple danced in his throat before he turned his head. Nothing could have prepared me for those tears rimming in his eyes. He wasn't crying exactly, but he seemed aw
fully close to it.
"What do you want me to say, Raphaël? You want me to lie, tell you I'm okay so it will appease you?"
I shook my head. "I want you to tell me the truth."
"I missed two doses of lithium today. I was so caught up with everything here. I took my dose tonight, but missing the doses fucked me up. I'll be fine."
"Did you double the dose tonight?" I asked.
"That's not recommended. I have to wait for it to take effect."
"Is that all?" I knew there was more to his sorrow than that. I knew it had to do with his family, but I couldn't help him if he wouldn't open up.
"I miss them, you know?"
I didn't respond. I wanted him to let it out and free his chest.
"I know it's fucked up, but I miss my family. I miss those days when I was little and I thought I was straight. When they still loved me. Even if their love wasn't real or unconditional. I hate that I can't spend Christmas with my sister or give her a gift in person. I'm angry at myself all the time because I did this to myself. I'm the one who walked away. I'm the one who disowned them. So in some way, I guess I deserve this."
"You don't. Okay? Even if you're the one who chose to leave home, they didn't give you much choice. You did what you had to do to survive."
Adrien looked at Ila again and nodded as if accepting this truth, though the shadows in his eyes grew as his gaze filled with heartache.
"You never deserved what they did to you, Adrien."
He shrugged as if he didn't believe me, so I grabbed his hand. "Hey, look at me."
He turned his head to me, but his eyes never met mine.
"You didn't deserve any of that."
He didn't respond.
"I want you to say it."
"You sound like my shrink."
"Say it!"
He sighed. "I didn't deserve any of that."
The tone of his voice implied he didn't believe a word he was uttering.
"I want you to believe it," I insisted.
"I can't."
Right then, something took over me. The agony tearing at him was too much. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I couldn't let him hurt like this. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, hard, without opening my mouth. When I pulled back, he grabbed my neck and locked his lips on mine again, seeking a way in with his warm tongue. I let him kiss me slowly, his tongue caressing mine in a waltz that didn't seem to end.
