by Rowan Shaw
"What do you mean?"
"You can't stay here if Patrick is there. I know how life works. I'm not foolish."
"I'm here for Wei."
She gave a nod. "I understand that, but it's twice already that you've had to move because of Ling's decision. What about you, sweetheart?"
"What about me?"
She sent Patrick another quick glance. "How long have you two been dating?"
"It's been about eleven months," Patrick replied instinctively.
I gaped at him. We weren't even dating at first, just having sex, and then there was the dry spell where I avoided him and didn't see him at all for a while. But he seemed to include all of that in our relationship.
"That's a very long time," Mom said, looking at me. "You need to talk to Ling. I don't think it's fair that you had to sacrifice yourself again. I understand her and Eve are engaged, but moving here was not your decision. I see you working so hard. You're so exhausted. That's not the life I wanted for you."
"I can't leave Wei, and I can't... I can't leave you."
She gave a warm smile. "Sweetie, I miss you when you're not here, but I didn't have a child for my own self-interest. If being in France is what makes you happy, then that's where you should be."
"But you'll be alone again."
"Brandon, it's not like you live right next door. And I'm not alone. I have my friends, your aunt and uncle. I'm fine."
Patrick sipped more of his drink while she talked. When he made a subtle face at the taste, my mom raised her hand. "You don't need to drink this if you don't like it, dear."
"No, I—"
"I can see you cringe each time you take a sip. I could make you a coffee instead if you want."
"No, really, I'm fine, thank you," he replied with a smile that made her melt.
She proceeded to interrogate him about his family, his job, and his life in France until it was time for us to leave and catch the train.
Tomorrow was Patrick's last day in New York. Ling had offered to keep Wei the entire weekend so we could have our privacy. I dreaded his departure and the hollowness that was sure to engulf me afterward. But for now, he was mine. Mine all day, mine all night.
Chapter 44
PATRICK
My chest, my lungs, and everything else clenched the moment the plane hit the ground. I wouldn't be able to see Brandon for months—not until I could take more time off to visit him. Just thinking about lying in my bed alone tonight made me sick to my stomach. Loneliness was like a coat I could no longer shake off. It lessened at times when I hung out with my friends or when I was at work, but I had to go home eventually. The evenings were what I dreaded the most.
The old me would have fucked his way out of this morosity, but that time had passed. Hook-ups didn't interest me anymore, and the sexual frustration I felt from being so far from Brandon was nothing compared to my growing melancholy. I could recognize the signs of depression when they arose. That was part of my job, after all. But while I was good at helping others, I was at a loss when it came to saving myself.
After dragging my feet through customs and grabbing my luggage, I took the RER to the Gare de l'Est, where I had to run to catch my train on time. The guy next to me seemed ready to chat. I was so not in the mood. I barely listened while he told me he'd just visited his sister, how the two of them were estranged from their parents, and how all he was missing in his life was a boyfriend. He looked at me intently upon the last words, his stare giving me the creeps. What was he thinking? That I'd date him just because he was pathetic enough to make a disturbing pass at me on the train?
"I'm already taken, sorry," I said and grabbed the magazine from the seat pocket facing me, hoping that would shut him up.
"Get over yourself, man. I wasn't hitting on you."
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. I knew his type well. The kind who cast a hook, desperately hoping for a catch, only to act defensive when the fish didn't bite. Who was he fooling? He'd be riding my dick already if I offered to fuck him in the bathroom.
I didn't even bother replying.
"Connard," he snarled under his breath.
I gave a silent laugh and flipped through the magazine. As if he were the first queer to call me a jerk.
When he saw I was barely reacting to his insult, he moved on and started chatting up the woman across the aisle, boring her to death with his private life that no one gave a shit about.
When the train finally arrived in Nancy, I asked him to move so I could get my stuff from the overhead compartment, but he pretended not to hear. I let out a sigh and made my way past him, stepping on his toes. He let out another curse at me, to which I responded with an excessive bat of my lashes. I grabbed my bag from above and left to retrieve my luggage from the suitcase storage.
To my surprise, Enzo and Florian were waiting for me on the platform when I walked out.
"Salut, mon chou. Qu'est-ce que tu fais là?" I signed, confused.
"I figured you could use the company." He gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I kissed Florian's cheeks next, guilt still haunting me any time I had to face him. He didn't seem to begrudge me, though. He raked his hand through his blond hair, his dark blue eyes turning to his boyfriend.
"We're taking you out to eat," Enzo signed.
I didn't want to burst his bubble and tell him I wasn't really in the mood, so I followed them reluctantly. I'd barely eaten on the plane, but I wasn't hungry. Sweet as always, Enzo chose my favorite restaurant even though it didn't offer many vegetarian options for him.
I sat facing them, barely able to stand the slightest signs of tenderness between the two. Being around other couples only reminded me of what I was missing. But Enzo was trying to be kind, and I didn't want him to tell I wasn't feeling well. I went through the motions, smiled when I was supposed to, forced a laugh when he signed a joke that only deaf people could understand, and I coerced down my food that tasted like papier mâché. It wasn't the chef's fault, really. It was just that everything was tasteless to me these days. I tried not to sigh upon every bite, but in spite of my effort, Enzo kept staring at me, his eyebrows furrowing a bit more as the minutes passed. He sent a sideways glance at Florian but didn't comment upon my pathetic state.
"What are you doing this weekend?" he gestured with one hand while digging into his green beans.
I shrugged. "I'm working on Saturday."
He sent another glance at Florian. I didn't want Enzo to pry into my psyche, so I forced myself to look Florian straight in the eyes before I lost my nerve. "I'm sorry."
He creased his forehead. "For what?"
"For what I said about you when you and Enzo found each other again. For not trusting you only because you're bi. For hating you because you're bi. I was a dick and a bigot, and I'm sorry."
Both his eyebrows shot up. He gave a slight nod, his eyes filling with concern. "It's okay. It's all forgiven."
"No, it's not okay."
He raised his hand. "Look, I forgive you. Okay?"
It sounded like he just didn't want to talk about it.
"I know you've had it rough with all the assholes in your life," I continued. "Enzo told me. I didn't mean to add to the list of jerks you were unlucky enough to run into. I only wanted to protect him."
"I know that, and again, you're forgiven. I've moved on."
I creased my forehead. "Do you always do that?"
"What?"
"Forgive people that easily?"
He shook his head. "I don't forgive people easily. I just move on. There's a difference. The past is the past. If you'd left your past behind, you wouldn't have judged me based on what another bisexual did to you. I'm not going to live my life thinking about the people in my past. Life is too short for that."
I raised an eyebrow and bit into my steak. "You're sure more philosophical than me."
No wonder he was so perfect for Enzo. They were the same. I wished moving on was that easy for me too.
"I don't
want to talk about it again," he said. "What you said about me hurt Enzo more than it hurt me. I'm used to all the biphobic shit. I'm done letting it take me down. If there's someone you should apologize to, it's Enzo, not me."
I gazed at my best friend, who gave me a big smile and grabbed my hand, signing before I could say a word. "I forgive you."
I gave a nod as relief poured over me like rain, cleansing me of my past. I doubted I deserved such clemency, but I wasn't going to reject it.
When I couldn't swallow another bite, I toyed with my food.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Enzo asked out loud.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I signed.
He narrowed his eyes again, looked at Florian, and gave an unconvinced nod.
Chapter 45
BRANDON
When my phone rang with a French number blinking on the screen, my heart skipped a beat. I stared at it. I didn't know the number. There could be a multitude of reasons why someone from France was calling. Maybe I hadn't closed all my bank accounts. Maybe I still owed some rent or taxes. Maybe Patrick had changed his number. But I'd gone through all the paperwork carefully when I moved; I didn't owe any money; I hadn't missed a single payment or obligation, and I couldn't fathom why Patrick would have changed his number.
My heart sped thinking something bad may have happened to him. My hand shaking, I picked up the phone.
"Allô."
"C'est Brandon à l'appareil?" a voice I didn't recognize asked.
"Yes, it's me," I replied in French.
"Hey, it's Jean-François."
I raked my brain for his name, then remembered Patrick's best friend. I should have recognized him right away; Patrick talked about him and Enzo all the time.
"Is Patrick okay?" I asked instinctively.
"Not really."
My throat closed off. I felt like throwing up. "Did he have an accident? What's going on?"
"Oh no, no. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out. He's okay. No accident, nothing like that."
My chest released a puff of air I didn't know I was holding in. "What's wrong, then?"
"Patrick hasn't been the same since you left. In fact, he's been even worse since he returned from the US. He's going to kill me when he realizes I called you, but I'm concerned about him. I've never seen him this depressed before. Not since that time when his douchebag ex cheated on him. I don't know how to help him, and he won't listen to anything Enzo or I have to say."
Guilt engulfed me whole. I was the one who had put him in this situation. I was the one who had refused to stick to sex only, the one who had asked to date, and the one who had turned whatever was between us into a relationship. And as if that wasn't enough, I ripped our liaison at the roots and decided to move right when I knew he was falling for me.
"I FaceTime him several hours on the weekends," I said for my sole defense, as if that could make up for my absence.
"It's not enough. Patrick is really down right now. He won't go out to the club with us anymore. Actually, he hasn't gone since he met you. He won't even accept invitations to eat out anymore. He's overworking himself more than before, which is practically impossible as it is. He won't leave his apartment. He's lost weight."
"What do you want me to do?" I couldn't just leave Wei behind.
"You need to come back to him, or you need to set him free."
A hole carved in my chest upon his words. I couldn't do that. I was too selfish to let him go. Just thinking about him meeting another man and building a relationship with him felt like a dagger slashing me apart.
"He will never do it himself, Brandon. Patrick won't leave you. I don't think I've ever seen him love anyone as much as he loves you. But this situation can't last. How long are you planning on living there?"
I didn't know the answer to that. It could be years.
"Enzo and I did a lot of research to look for loopholes to see if Patrick could come live in the US with you, but it's so difficult and complicated. He can't move there unless he finds a job where someone would vouch for him and get him a VISA."
"It wasn't easy for me to come to France either," I acknowledged.
"No, but Patrick said you got the citizenship."
"I did."
"He cannot come to you, Brandon. Only you can come to him."
I closed my eyes and pinched my nose. "I can't. I just can't. Right now, it's not possible."
"When will it be possible? Will it ever be possible?"
"I don't know."
"You need to think about him and his well-being. I'm deeply concerned. I wouldn't have called otherwise."
"I understand. I need time to think."
"If you love him, you'll do what is best for him," he said and hung up before I could even reply.
Yes, I did love him. I knew what I had to do.
I scrolled through the numbers on my phone and pressed "call."
"Hey, what's up?" Ling replied, all sunshine and happiness that somehow managed to dampen my mood even more.
"We need to talk."
Chapter 46
BRANDON
"Are you okay?" Ling asked as soon as she walked in and went to sit on my couch.
"Not really, no."
Her smooth forehead dug into profound lines. "What's wrong?"
I inhaled deeply and looked her straight in the eyes. "I cannot live here any longer."
She sat up straight, her body on alert. "What do you mean? It's only been a few months."
"I didn't say anything until now, but I don't think it's fair that you and Eve asked me to follow you here."
"We didn't ask you to do anything, Brandon."
"You know I didn't have a choice. Not if I wanted to make sure our daughter could live around her moms and dad."
Ling gave a long pause and blinked. "I understand."
"Do you?"
"I do."
"First, I moved to France to be with Wei even though you and I were already divorced. I left my dream career behind. I had to rebuild everything from scratch when we got to France while you had an excellent job and I was just picking up the scraps of what my life could have been.
"Then you met Eve. I thought we were there to stay. I got the citizenship. I rebuilt my life, my business, everything. Then Eve got a wonderful opportunity here. I would never deny her the chance to thrive and do what she's always dreamed of, but I'm the only one who had to make sacrifices. I had to leave everything behind again, except this time, I also had to leave the man I love. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She froze when I mentioned Patrick. "You love him?"
"What do you think? Did you think we were just playing around?"
"No, I..." She sighed and closed her eyes. "I am so sorry. I've been very selfish, haven't I?"
"Yes, you have."
She nodded and looked at me. "What do you suggest we do?"
I was surprised she wasn't trying to defend herself more, but then Ling was always outspoken and honest. She knew when something was right or wrong.
"I don't know what to do, but Patrick isn't well. I can't stay here when he's out there struggling. I won't lose him just because you and Eve decided you wanted to come here. That's a decision you took without consulting me first. I'm not leaving Wei behind, and I am not taking her away from her moms either, so you tell me, what do we do? Where do we go from here?"
"Eve will be upset if she has to leave her job. She's worked so hard for it."
"And you think I didn't work hard to build my business? D'you know how many pianists make it out there and can actually survive off their passion?"
"I never asked you to move."
"No, you just told me you were leaving and you were taking my daughter with you."
I hated myself for dragging Wei into this mess. I had promised myself when dating Patrick that no one would ever come between me and my daughter, but this problem went so much further than that. It wasn't just about Patrick and me. It was about Ling and Eve living their lives with
out considering how it affected me.
To my surprise, Ling nodded. "I will talk to Eve. I never... And you're right, I never thought what it meant for you. I knew you and Patrick were rather steady, but I didn't think it was that serious."
"I think you and I both know I don't date people if it's not serious. I've been with two people in my life, Ling. You and Patrick. So, yes, he's important to me." I looked down, my jaw clenching. "If I end up losing him because of this, I will never forgive you."
Her shoulders sagged. "There might be a way."
"How?"
"You know it doesn't matter where I work. When I got that job in France, it was the opportunity of a century, but they have offices here and there. That was why I didn't mind moving again. I can work in either country easily. And to be honest, if Eve's job had meant losing mine, I may not have jumped on that decision so quickly."
"This doesn't solve the issue with Eve. I don't want to be responsible for her missing out."
Ling bit her lower lip. "There may be an opening for Eve to work in Paris. Or at least, to travel between here and there. Her boss said her position here was going to demand more responsibilities, more traveling."
"Paris?"
"It's not perfect, but we could work it out."
"How?"
"Paris is what, an hour and a half away from Nancy by TGV? I could live in Nancy, and Eve could go back and forth. What if Eve worked there but lived in Nancy with me and Wei?"
I narrowed my eyes. "If it was that easy, why didn't you offer that solution from the beginning? How long have you known about this?"
"Her boss only gave her the news last week. They had her move here to test her ambition and see if she was really apt for the job. Again, this new position will require more traveling. It'll be more demanding of her time. They wanted to make sure she was ready to do whatever it takes to make it work."
"How soon could we make this happen?"
"Probably another six months. Eve is still being tested. We have to be cautious."
"I can't wait another six months."
"I understand that."
