Cassidy peeked at Piper in her rearview mirror. Their daughter bobbed and swayed with the music as she looked out the window, clearly distracted and oblivious to the fact that her parents were talking.
Cassidy knew she would be well within her rights to snap at Wade or refuse to talk, but what good would that do? Sure, it would make her feel powerful for a few minutes but hurting someone or seeing them squirm had never been her style. Most of the time, she went out of her way to be positive and smooth things over.
Besides, they should be civil for Piper’s sake. That’s why she would talk.
Who was she kidding? She had never been known to hold her thoughts.
“It’s just a lot, Wade. All of this. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to process or act.” She turned onto the next street, which brought the cemetery into view. Cassidy tightened her hold on the wheel while a wave of nausea rocked through her. “I mean, there’s a gravestone with your name on it in there.” She gestured toward the graveyard. “But here you are. That’s messed up.”
Wade touched the window, his gaze fixed on the cemetery. “If I could take it back. If I could take all the pain I caused away—”
“But the thing is, you can’t.” She sighed. “It’s a nice sentiment but saying that doesn’t make everything we’ve been through go away. It’s all still there like some overstuffed pot of chili on a forgotten burner, getting ready to explode everywhere.”
“Talking in food terms. It suits you.” The statement could have been taken as mocking, but not how Wade said it. His voice was bathed in so much warmth and pride. As if he cared and wanted to understand how her mind worked—as if he liked knowing this new piece about her personality that hadn’t been there when they dated.
“Well, that’s what makes sense right now. My emotions are all over the place, and they have to be dealt with but I don’t know how. And I just really don’t want the chili to explode, you know? I don’t think I can handle one more thing.” She shook her head. “And no one out there has written any self-help books for people dealing with an ex they thought was dead. Shocking, I know.”
“There is a book,” he said quietly.
“You’re kidding me.” She had actually searched the internet for blogs or articles that could help her but the keywords kept leading her to purchase pages full of weird books about zombies or costumes.
He ran his hand over the side of his face. “In the Bible it says God goes before us. He’s with us and won’t fail us and He won’t forsake us or leave us dismayed. That’s a paraphrase, of course. I’m trying to be better about memorizing that stuff but it’s been slow going.” He shifted in his seat to face her more. “What I mean to say is, God’s pretty clear that if we need rescue or help or a hiding place, He’s there waiting to meet those needs.”
Wade Jarrett was quoting the Bible and giving her godly advice. The image didn’t compute with the man she thought she knew. Moreover, she didn’t feel safe going to God right now. She had run to Him for the past five years and God had played along—knowing Wade was alive while she cried and prayed. But there wasn’t enough time left in the trip to get into all that.
Cassidy glanced at Wade but quickly trained her eyes back onto the roadway. “Who are you?”
He let out a puff of air that sounded like it wanted to be a laugh. “Same guy I’ve always been. I just have God’s grace now.” He leaned toward her. “I want to help. I want to be there for you if you’ll let me. Last night, with Piper at your house... Cassidy.”
Oh, there was the soft way he said her name as if each syllable was precious to him.
Cassidy swallowed hard. “Do you know how many nights I’ve tucked her in and pictured what it would have been like if you had been with us? I’ve cried myself to sleep plenty over stuff like that. Can you understand what that’s like?”
He tentatively reached over and gently placed his hand on her leg. “I’m so sorry.”
“It hurts, Wade. It hurts and it’s hard, but then I feel like it’s wrong to feel that way. I have this grief about all the things Piper has missed out on. But you didn’t know about her and it’s my fault you didn’t know, so I’m to blame for the missed time.”
His hand was still resting on her leg, warm and reassuring. “Don’t say that. You aren’t to blame for any of this.”
But he was simply being nice because she was to blame, wasn’t she?
If she had been honest with him before he left on the fishing trip, their lives might have all been different. Piper could have always known her father. A knot formed in Cassidy’s chest.
Piper’s singing grew even louder.
Cassidy turned into the parking lot and found a parking space. Once the car was in Park, she unbuckled her seat belt and pivoted in her seat, causing his hand to slip away. She looked at Wade. “I know you wouldn’t have stayed for me but you might have for her.”
“Cassidy.” Frustration laced his voice, not with her but almost with himself, with a situation he couldn’t fix. “I loved you.” He glanced back at Piper as if to make sure she was still paying more attention to her music and dance moves than to her parents.
Cassidy’s heart rattled inside her chest. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear whatever Wade was trying to say. Hadn’t she already decided just that morning that getting close to him was dangerous?
Wade continued, “I know you don’t believe that and you have every right not to. But that’s the truth and it kills me to think of you believing some lie about what was between us. That first day, you didn’t want me to talk about why I left but—”
“Here we are.” Cassidy hit Stop on the stereo. She looked back at Piper. “Let’s get that cast off.” She exited the car as quickly as she could.
She had let her guard down with Wade again and while she knew she had to talk with him in order to heal in a healthy way, she could only handle it in small doses. Anything more and she didn’t trust herself to behave or speak rationally.
Anything more and she might believe he still loved her.
* * *
Wade held Piper’s hand on the way out of the doctor’s office. She had kept a stiff upper lip the whole time the doctor used the noisy cast saw on her arm, then declared it only tickled her skin a little afterward.
Piper swung on his forearm as if he were a jungle gym. “Look at how strong I am!” She beamed up at him when she set her feet back on the ground. “Uncle Rhett says I’m the strongest cowgirl he knows.”
Wade chuckled. “Well, Uncle Rhett is pretty smart.” He pressed through the door and then tugged Piper to a stop to wait for Cassidy, who was finishing at the desk in the doctor’s lobby. She hiked her purse onto her shoulder and faced them but her gaze didn’t meet Wade’s.
The talk in the car had been too much for her, but it was impossible for him to sit there and listen to her say she believed he had left to get away from her.
Nothing could have been further from the truth.
He disappeared to save her. He disappeared because he loved her.
After today, once the doctor confirmed whether or not the biopsy showed cancer, Wade would know how to proceed with Cassidy. But he had to deal with his health first. He shouldn’t expect deep talks with her until he was able to be completely open about everything on his end. And he couldn’t tell her what he was facing, not yet. Cassidy had said she was dealing with too much already, so he was glad he hadn’t mentioned it to her.
The last thing he wanted to do was add another burden onto her shoulders. Not when he had caused her a lifetime’s worth of grief already.
Wanting to sleep in, Shannon had promised to meet him in the parking lot so they could get on the road to Houston. He shielded his eyes as he scanned the parking lot. When he spotted a truck from the ranch, Shannon honked the horn once and climbed out. She was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and jeans, which struck Wade as odd given how hot it was,
but maybe she had the air-conditioning cranked.
Piper let go of his hand. “Is Aunt Shannon coming swimming too?”
“I’m sorry, buddy. Shannon and I won’t be able to swim with you guys today,” Wade said. Piper’s bottom lip jutted out and trembled. Wade got down on one knee and took her shoulders in his hands. “Hey, how about tomorrow we go on an adventure together?”
Piper’s eyes narrowed. “You promise?”
“Promise.” He hugged her.
“Will you be back for dinner? Mom’s making steak tacos and they’re so good.”
“I’m planning on it. Have fun today, okay?”
She hugged him a second time and then jogged to see Shannon. Wade started after her but Cassidy clamped onto his arm, pulling him up short.
“Don’t ever promise her something if there is even the slightest chance you might cancel.” Cassidy’s voice was a low rumble. “It’s better to surprise her than to disappoint her.”
It stung to know how little Cassidy thought of him and his promises. How little she believed his word meant. Wade shoved away the thick tang of discouragement that seemed to coat his insides. He had lost the right to be believed and believed in a long time ago.
He might never get it back.
Wade set his hand on top of Cassidy’s. “Trust me. I’ll plan a great day.”
She looked down at where their hands touched but instead of slipping away, her fingers tightened against his arm. “You don’t know everything she needs or how to work her car seat. You don’t know what to pack if—”
He squeezed her hand. “Come with us.”
Wade was shocked when she easily agreed. They settled on a meeting time for the next day before everyone parted ways.
“Sure you don’t want to go swimming?” Piper called one last time while Cassidy was buckling her into her car seat.
“Believe me, I’d much rather be doing that than what I have to go take care of.” Wade waved as he headed for the truck. “You ladies have fun.”
Wade pulled the direction app up on his phone when he climbed behind the wheel of the truck. While Shannon buckled up in the passenger’s seat, Wade adjusted the visor to keep the sun from blasting him in the face, then steered the truck toward the I-10.
Shannon fished a bag from the back seat.
“Alright, we have two kinds of chips.” She hauled snacks from the bag, showing a red bag and a blue bag. “Peanut butter M&M’s, because they’re clearly the best.”
“No argument.”
The plastic bag rustled again. “And MoonPies.”
“You found some? I didn’t know they still made them.” Wade hadn’t eaten one in years. They didn’t exactly stock them in Caribbean grocery stores. “I have to have one of those first.” He held out his hand while she unwrapped one of the sweets for him.
Shannon licked a smear of chocolate from her finger. She stretched out her legs, crossing her ankles. “Now’s the part where you tell me what’s so important in Houston.”
Wade swallowed hard. How to tell her? Blunt. Quick. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. “The University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center. That’s what’s in Houston.”
She shot up in her seat. “Wait. Cancer. Did you say cancer? Wade?”
Where to start?
He braced his elbow against the window, steering with his left hand. He scrubbed his right hand over the side of his neck and jaw. “A few months ago, I slipped on a pier and hurt my neck. The pain didn’t go away, so a few weeks ago I had a scan done when we were docked in Florida. Make sure I hadn’t busted anything, you know? The good news is my spine is fine, but the doctor spotted an abnormality in my neck. He wasn’t a specialist, so he said he couldn’t diagnose it, but he urged me to see someone. I did some research and that led me to Houston.”
Shannon had reached over and taken his free hand in both of hers while he was talking. “Abnormality? What does that even mean?”
“There was a spot on the scan that shouldn’t have been there.”
“But that could be anything, right? People get weird benign growths all the time. Benign. That’s the word, right? For the good kind of abnormality?”
He had been through the same thought spiral Shannon was currently in many times over the course of the last month. But right now he couldn’t cling to the hope that it was nothing. He didn’t want to hang his heart on likelihood or chance—he wanted truth. No matter what it was.
“The other day when I was gone? I was in Houston having a biopsy,” he said. “They stuck this insanely tiny needle into my throat to remove cells and today they’re supposed to tell me what’s going on.”
“But there’s a chance it’s not cancer?”
Wade sighed. “Let’s just say, they didn’t think the biopsy was going to shock them. And after everything I’ve read online, I’d be amazed if it was nothing.”
“You’re talking so robotically about this.” She shook his hand. “Aren’t you scared? I’m scared.”
“They told me even if it’s cancer that with this type, there doesn’t have to be a huge hurry.” He caught her gaze. “But, sis, I’m so freaked out. I just want it gone. Each time I look up thyroid cancer online, each time I read more, I get more freaked out. When I look in the mirror, all I can focus on is this lump in my throat.”
Shannon reached over and ran her fingers lightly across his throat. “I don’t feel anything.”
Wade swallowed hard. When he touched his neck, the lump felt as if he had a golf ball stuck in there. It’s all he felt.
“Let’s work through this like the old days. Rational. Twin minds in sync.” She took his hand again. “Just because they found it—if they even found anything—it could have been there for months, right? Even years. These things don’t pop up overnight.”
“True.” He nodded. “That doesn’t mean I want to sit on it now though.” The fact was Wade was terrified. He hadn’t gotten a full night’s rest since the scan in Florida. Thoughts kept him up. Anxiety tapped cruel nails down his chest whenever he lay in bed. His throat would feel tight and he’d worry it was cancer growing. When he did sleep, his dreams turned sour—cancer taking over his body, cancer cells morphing outside his body and chasing him. It was easier not to sleep sometimes.
“Does Cassidy know?” Shannon’s question pierced through his thoughts.
“No.” His jaw tightened. “And I don’t want her to.”
“Wade.”
“I’m serious, Shannon. Don’t tell her.”
“She has the right to know.”
I don’t think I can handle one more thing.
“What if I do find out it’s a big nothing today? She would have worried needlessly. I won’t do that to her.” Cassidy might not care about him at all, but she would still worry if she knew because that’s just the kind of person she was. She would worry because she had allowed Piper to meet him, and now what if he was suddenly gone again? She wouldn’t want to deal with explaining why he disappeared if it was the worst-case scenario.
“Don’t you think I’ve caused her enough grief in this life? I won’t add to it, not if I can help it. Cassidy deserves less stress and hassle when it comes to me.” She deserved so much more than Wade could have ever given her.
“What if this ends up being bad, Wade? What if we end up hearing what we don’t want to?” Shannon asked quietly.
He lifted his hand away from hers to grip the steering wheel tighter than he needed to. He didn’t want to think about possibly dying. Not now, when he was back home and slowly making strides with his family, when he had only just learned he had a daughter and Cassidy was back in his life.
Maybe the doctor would tell him it was nothing. Perhaps today would be the last appointment. The last sleepless night spent worrying.
“You have to tell her.” Shannon broke through his thoughts.
&
nbsp; Wade sighed. “Eventually I probably will.”
Or possibly he would never have to burden her. That sounded better.
“Wade. Come on. This isn’t something you keep to yourself.”
“I’m not keeping it to myself, Shannon. You know.”
“Only by seconds. You’ve been dealing with this a month, Wade. A month. And you haven’t shared the load with anyone. That’s not okay. It’s not healthy, to say the least.”
“Not true.” He held up a finger. “I’ve shared it with God and that’s enough.”
“Is it?”
“Of course it is.” His conversation with Cassidy that morning came back to mind. He had told her that God was a rescuer, someone she could run to for help. He couldn’t spout out things like that and not believe them—not put them into action in his own life. God knew what he was facing; Wade prayed about it every day. Sometimes when the hard days came, Wade wondered if this was a punishment for all he had done wrong or a test to see if he would truly lean on God. Test if his faith was real. Wade got through those days by deciding he was going to withstand whatever this trial ended up being with God alone as his support. He would prove to God that he was a changed man too.
That’s what faith was, wasn’t it? Depending on God alone. That’s what all the podcast preachers said.
Shannon shook her head. “But God put people in our lives to help us. We’re supposed to trust others and live in community so we can share our loads. You can’t read the depend-on-God parts of the Bible, only to ignore the love-one-another-and-take-care-of-each-other parts. Keeping this to yourself isn’t the right thing to do.”
“It is if you’ve already put everyone you care about through horrible trauma by faking your death, okay?” He was in a unique position, one where he had no right to rally troops to his side. Going through this virtually alone was a consequence of his horrible choices. One he would have to deal with. He had hurt and alienated his support system and he had no right to ask for their help. Not now, maybe not ever. “You’re the only person I’ve told.”
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