by Lea Coll
That’s all she was asking of me—she’d said we can work together. I couldn’t get her plea out of my mind as I watched her work Jack and Samantha’s rehearsal dinner at The Fish House. She talked with the staff to organize the meal, directed the speeches, the music, and the dancing. To anyone else she looked fine. She was efficient and hard-working, but I saw her. She was barely holding herself together. Her neck and shoulders were held in a stiff line as she refused to look at me and I couldn’t blame her. She’d needed me and I’d failed to listen to her.
I had wanted to approach her so many times over the past few days, but I hadn’t gotten past texts asking how she was feeling and how was the baby. And I’d gotten clinical responses back. I’m fine. The baby’s fine. She was responding to me, but not giving me anything else.
I followed her as she quietly made her way through the crowd and on to the attached balcony. Once outside, she leaned against the railing. She looked exhausted and weary. Her shoulders drooped and she kicked off her heels.
“Are you okay?” I asked as soon as the door closed behind me and we were alone. I wanted to touch her because she looked like she was tired or in pain or both.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Her voice was strained, and she didn’t turn around.
“I don’t know. You’ve been running around all night taking care of everyone but yourself.”
“I’m fine.” Her shoulders tensed like she had to hold herself together in front of me.
“So, you’re actually leaving?” I moved closer, unable to stop myself from asking.
“I told Carl I was pregnant.” She laughed bitterly. “A part of me hoped he’d rescind the job offer, but he said he’d accommodate me—I could work from home during leave or bring the baby to work. It’s double my old salary and good benefits.” She finally looked at me, her eyes shimmering with emotion. “I want to do what’s best for me and the baby.”
“I would have married you,” I said softly.
She pushed off the railing to face me with her arms. “You’d marry me, so I’d have benefits?”
“I want to take care of you.”
“Take care of me because I’m carrying your baby?” She shook her head. “I need more from you.”
“What else do you need? I’ve been here for you every step of the way. I love you. I don’t understand why you’re leaving.”
She raised her brow at me as if I should already know the answer.
“I get that you want to have a career and you think it’s a great opportunity, but I’m not sure it’s the best decision.”
“Why not?”
“This is the same boss who fired you when someone stole your work. Who’s to say he won’t do that again?”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. He offered me a director position. Why would he do that if he was going to fire me down the road? I want to try and see if it’s going to work. I have a few months before the baby’s here. I can see if it’s a plausible option for me. It doesn’t have to be forever, but I’d have a director position on my resume.”
I couldn’t argue with that logic. It would be good for her resume and we had several months before the baby was here. I didn’t want her to go but I couldn’t say it out loud. It would be selfish for me to hold her back if this is what she wanted.
“You’re not asking me to stay, are you?” Her voice was soft.
I opened my mouth, but couldn’t do that when she clearly wanted this job. I didn’t want her to give up her dream any more than she wanted me to give up mine.
“That’s what I thought.” Her voice was sad and resigned but I couldn’t figure out why. She was getting what she wanted. Then she walked away from me for the second time, but this time it felt a hell of a lot like my fault.
Lucy
The next day, I was up at dawn at Samantha’s house to get her ready and shoo Jack out the door. It was a flurry of makeup, hair, dresses, deliveries, decorating—the list went on and on. I knew there was no way I could do this job in a few more months pregnant. I was lifting heavy boxes, decorating the reception tables, and running around in heels. But at least it kept my mind busy so I wasn’t thinking about how I’d have to walk down the aisle with Wyatt in a few hours. The closer to the start of the wedding we got, the more my hands shook and my heart raced.
By the time I stood next to Wyatt, I was dead on my feet. With my fingers curled around his arm, his strong presence at my side, it was heartbreaking to think he’d never be waiting for me at the end of an aisle. Jack stood, hands clasped in front of him, nervously watching over my head for his fiancée, as his best man, Luke, stood next to him.
Right before we broke away to stand on our respective sides, Wyatt kissed my cheek and said so softly I almost missed it, “I miss you.”
My heart clenched at his words. It was so hard to be around him and not be with him. With no time to respond, I moved to my position in line next to Emma, Ashley, and Stella. Once I was across the bridge and back in the city, this would be easier. I wouldn’t have to see him every day. He wouldn’t have this hold over me. I wouldn’t question my decision to choose my career over a family with Wyatt. I shivered as Samantha walked down the rose petal-covered aisle toward Jack who had tears in his eyes. A family with Wyatt. It sounded so amazing.
I snuck a glance at Wyatt, but he was watching Jack as he accepted Samantha’s hand from her father. The idea that I needed to take the job to see if it was right for me was suddenly less appealing in the romantic setting of Samantha’s wedding. I couldn’t help imagining walking down the aisle toward Wyatt as he accepted my hand from my father.
Jack and Samantha recited their vows and were declared Mr. and Mrs. Perry to cheers as they walked down the aisle hand in hand. I barely held it together while we waited for the photographer to take pictures of the wedding party. I was forced to stand next to Wyatt. His hand on the small of my back, his scent washed over me—stronger now that my sense of smell was amplified with pregnancy. Memories of being held by him, lying in bed next to him, came to mind and I wanted to lean into him, unload all of my worries on him. But I couldn’t do that. I needed to stand on my own. As soon as the photographer was done, I handed my bouquet to Ashley and went back to work.
I barely sat during dinner or the reception, mainly because I didn’t want to be near Wyatt. I couldn’t help but think how it would have been different if we had been together for the wedding. It would have been a perfect night. Warm wind blew off the river, carrying the fragrant smell of roses. The flickering lights of the candles, the tiny lights lining the roof of the tent, and the chandelier cast a romantic glow on the guests.
After the cake was served, the string quartet played quietly, and I had a quiet moment to take everything in—the tent was perfect, just like the picture I’d shown Samantha online. Lights lined the roof and came to a point at the center where an ornate chandelier hung. Candles lined the tables, providing romantic lighting now that the sun was setting. A dance floor stood where the wedding had taken place on the waterfront. It was perfect. If I had a wedding, I’d want something outdoors like this—Wyatt would too. Why was I picturing Wyatt and I getting married? The answer was that I never imagined myself with anyone else—it was always him.
“Can I have this dance? Are you going to leave me hanging?” Wyatt looked pointedly at his hand outstretched toward me.
Shaking my head no, I placed my hand in his and followed him to the dance floor. He pulled me into his arms, holding me close, my cheek resting on his chest. I’d remember this moment when I was sitting in my apartment alone in Baltimore.
“I’ve missed this. Holding you. Having you close.”
He’d voiced my exact thoughts, and I could barely speak because my throat was tight all of a sudden. “Me too.”
“Please don’t—”
I held my breath waiting for the words I wanted to hear: please don’t leave, stay with me. The location didn’t matter. Wyatt repeatedly said we’d figure everything
out if we did it together. Where was that man now? Was he hiding behind fear of getting hurt?
“Can I jump in?” a tall blond woman with large blue eyes asked.
“Casey?” Wyatt asked, pulling back from me, his body now tense, his jaw tight.
This was his ex-girlfriend—the one he couldn’t commit to.
I stepped back, dropping his hand. “He’s all yours.” I knew the smile on my face was bitter. Jealousy coursed through my veins, which was ridiculous. We weren’t together. He could dance with whomever he wanted. It wasn’t until I was seated at the attendant’s table that I realized he’d never finished his sentence.
“Are you okay?” Ashley asked.
“Oh yeah.” I might have confided in Kristen if she was here, but not Samantha’s friends. I didn’t know them well enough.
“Just so you know, I don’t think he’s interested in Casey.” Ashley pointed at Wyatt and Casey dancing.
He looked stiff and uncomfortable, but he was still dancing with her. I ignored the voice that whispered because you walked away. “I’m fine.”
I just needed to get out of here. My job was done. The yacht club was tasked with cleanup and I’d come back in the morning to meet with the vendors.
I waited through a few more songs, long enough to see that Wyatt and Casey separated after one dance and she didn’t look happy.
“Have a nice night. I’m exhausted,” I said to Ashley and the others at the table.
I approached Samantha and Jack.
“You headed out?” Jack asked.
“Yeah, I’m exhausted.”
Samantha hugged me. “Thank you so much for everything. It was beautiful and I love that you planned it for me.”
“You’re welcome. Congratulations.”
Samantha moved away to talk to other guests, leaving me alone with Jack. We’d discussed my job opportunity and he’d expressed his concern already.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.” I shook my head. “Not really, but I will be.”
Hugging me, Jack said, “You don’t have to do this alone. No matter where you go, we’ll be there for you and so will Wyatt.”
I nodded because I wouldn’t be able to speak without crying. The thought of leaving everyone now seemed inconceivable, but I wasn’t sure if I could stick around and watch Wyatt date someone else. Not so soon.
“You’ll figure it out. Thanks for the amazing wedding, sis. Couldn’t have asked for anything better.”
I smiled up at him then, thankful he’d abandoned the subject of Wyatt. I said goodbye to those I passed on the way out, sad to be going home to my parents’ home and not to Wyatt’s. Would this ever get easier? Had I screwed up the way I approached the job offer with Wyatt? Should I try again? One last effort to reason with him—to get him to see my side? But wasn’t that what the conversation on the balcony was about?
As I lay in my childhood bedroom that night, I couldn’t help but wonder what Wyatt had almost said on the dance floor. If he intended to say stay with me and if I would have said yes. After tossing and turning for hours, I finally fell asleep, but my sleep was filled with dreams where I was running from something. I kept jerking awake. I was exhausted when I woke up the next morning. I needed to move on and get back to my life in the city. It was time. I couldn’t stay here and torture myself about making the right decision. I needed to make a decision and act on it. Even if it was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do.
Wyatt
My heart dropped the moment Casey approached me on the dance floor. It couldn’t have been worse timing. I wanted to say please don’t leave. Don’t do this to me. Instead, Lucy walked away, leaving me with my ex-girlfriend and the moment was gone. I took Casey’s hand in mine but held her body away from me as we danced.
“Why are you here?” I asked quietly, my voice tight.
“Just wanted to see how you were doing. I heard you’re having a baby so soon after you told me you weren’t ready for commitment, marriage, and babies.” There was a slight sneer to her tone.
“Things change.”
Casey looked up at me. “We dated for two years.”
I didn’t bother to argue with her that what we had paled in comparison to what I had with Lucy. There was no point in hurting her feelings. “I think it comes down to who you’re supposed to be with. When you find the right person, the next step will be inevitable.”
“Then why aren’t you with her?”
I stiffened. Of course, the news of our break-up had already traveled around town. There was no stopping gossip. “That’s between me and Lucy, but you and I are over. I’m not interested in you, Casey.”
Hurt shined in her eyes. “I wasn’t enough for you.”
There was no hint of question in her tone. “It wasn’t that. You weren’t right for me.”
She nodded but wouldn’t look at me after that. We danced until the music was over and she stepped back from me, our arms dropping to our sides. “Good luck, Wyatt. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
It was the same sentiment I’d said to Lucy on the front steps of her parents’ house after our visit to Assateague. Casey walked away and I was left wondering if I would ever find what I was looking for.
Lucy
I walked through the large doors to the Planit office the Wednesday after Jack’s wedding, taking in the three-story ceiling, exposed brick walls, and trendy artwork on the walls. Some people smiled at me and others watched me warily. My promotion was unconventional, and I expected skeptics and pushback. I’d been fired then hired back at two grades above my old position.
I stepped inside the office with the nameplate on the outside: Lucy Perry, Art Director, and its partial walls. I sat down at my desk, expecting to feel excited or thrilled that I had my own office with my name on the door. I was now an art director with my own team of people under me. It should feel surreal to be in this position at a young age. If this is what I always wanted why did it feel anti-climatic? Why did I feel so alone?
I placed a hand over my belly and closed my eyes, wondering again if I’d made the right decision. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes, determined to focus on my work. I wanted to be a good example to my child. I’d explore this opportunity and reevaluate in a few weeks. It was too soon to conclude it was mistake even if the whole drive here had felt wrong.
I’d settled into the hotel room Carl insisted on paying for yesterday. I’d stay there until I could find my own place. He seemed eager to please me after everything that happened. Elizabeth still worked at Planit, but I was assured she had no access to my particular department’s work or email.
I spent the day learning my job duties, which were vastly different than my old ones. I was now reviewing other designs and deciding on the best one to present to the clients. It was daunting being the one making the decisions, and I had to admit I missed being on the creative side.
That afternoon, April walked into my office. “Hey! Congrats on the new title and office.”
“Thank you. It’s a little surreal.”
“I bet. I heard congratulations are in order for another reason as well?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Are you happy about this?” she asked cautiously.
My shoulders stiffened. “Of course, I am.”
“Congrats, then. So, tell me all the details. You went home and had a steamy affair with a local guy?”
I shifted uncomfortably because I didn’t want to share details with her. “Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m happy about the pregnancy and my new job.”
“Okay.” But I could tell she was disappointed.
I’d need to be careful about office gossip now that I was a supervisor. I was already the source of a lot of talk right now between getting fired, re-hired, and Elizabeth stealing my work.
“Want to grab lunch sometime?” she asked.
“Sure.” I’d roomed with April for the year before I was fired, and I thought she
was my friend, but she wasn’t. She’d only told me about Elizabeth because she’d run into me at the spa. We were acquaintances, co-workers. She didn’t have my back, not like my family, Kristen, or Wyatt.
That night I went back to my hotel room, and the contrast between my life in Chestertown and the city had never been more obvious. This was the first time I’d lived alone—no roommate and no family nearby to talk to. It was lonely.
I needed to find an apartment. I couldn’t live in a hotel forever. This time, I had the added worry of finding a place appropriate for a baby. I couldn’t share with a roommate. No one my age would want to room with a crying baby who was up all night. How was I going to handle that? And all by myself?
I couldn’t help myself from picturing a bassinet in Wyatt’s bedroom as he stood over it holding a tiny baby. The image was so real I could almost sense what the baby’s skin would feel like—soft and warm, and the fragility of the baby’s scalp beneath my fingers. Why was I torturing myself with thoughts of the baby and Wyatt? I’d chosen to do this alone so there’d be no family moments like that.
The next few weeks, I fell into a routine at work and became more confident making decisions and interacting with clients. But I struggled with conveying the clients’ wishes to my team in an effective manner. They couldn’t seem to create what I saw in my head. It was so frustrating. I wanted to design it myself.
It would have been nice to wear stylish clothes again, but I was starting to show and I hadn’t been able to find trendy maternity clothes. When I looked online, they were pretty pricey and I hated to spend money on clothes I’d only wear for a few months.
I spent hours searching for the highest-rated car seat, stroller, and crib. My priorities had changed drastically. I searched for apartments but couldn’t decide on a location—Baltimore county where I’d have a commute but it would be safer, or in the city closer to work in a less safe environment. The thought of handing my baby off to a stranger at a daycare was scarier than I originally thought. I’d picked a doctor and hospital in the city—one that came recommended by some of my clients.
