by Erin R Flynn
I swallowed loudly, hating I couldn’t say what he wanted, but also unable to say what I’d come there to… Not that I was really sure what that was. Something. Some way to try and articulate what I was feeling.
After several moments of simply staring at each other, I saw his phone sticking out of his pocket and came to a decision. I moved over to him and squatted down, taking out his phone. I tapped in the unlock code and several more times until I found what I wanted.
OneRepublic’s “Let’s Hurt Tonight” came on and filled the quiet library. Never did the song touch my soul more than in that moment when the gorgeous voice sang about fighting together for what they had, not leaving until they were an us again. Tears spilled out of my already puffy eyes as I stared at him, seeing he was just as affected.
There was only one thing I could think to say when the song was over. “If you ever leave me again, there will be no third chance, no third strike for you to have with me.”
He closed his eyes and swallowed loudly before setting down the bottle and looking at me again. “Am I completely sauced already or did I hear you wrong? You walked in with so much sadness and grief in your aura that—how can you agree to try again when you’re so sad about it?”
It wasn’t the time for lies, my words coming out choked. “I don’t know how to let you back in, Julian. I want to try because I love and miss you, but I—you will leave me again. I won’t be what you want and you’ll leave. I get it’s my past and pain making me more sure of that than maybe what you’ve done. Or because of that, I can’t see how hard you’ve tried to make it up to me, but I’m certain you will.”
“Then why try?”
I gave him a look not to be silly this time. Those dreams being real had made all the difference. We’d been us again and shared… Everything. I’d gotten a glimpse at what we could have, only thinking it was a dream and it hadn’t been.
What sane person would walk away from that chance?
“Are you sure?” he whispered.
Again, I couldn’t lie. “No.” I slid the phone back in his pocket and knelt down, sitting back on my feet, staring at my water bottle. I didn’t know what else to say. I knew what I felt, but I couldn’t put it into words.
I really and truly was broken.
“I’m going to be a selfish git and accept before you risk changing your mind.” He drew in a slow breath and moved his hand to my knee. “I love you, Tamsin.”
“I want to believe you, but I think I’m broken, Julian.” I closed my eyes against the tears I couldn’t seem to stop no matter how much I wanted to be strong. “I don’t blame you for leaving me. I understand it. I’m not… There are parts of me missing that other women have. I’ve always known that. I’m different, and I wouldn’t have stayed either.”
“Stop it,” he choked out, grabbing my arms and shaking me until I looked at him. “You are not broken. You think you are emotionally stunted and different in a bad way, like something is wrong with you, but there’s not. You are wonderful. You are different, love. You are better than all of us. You are not emotionally stunted. You feel more than us. You feel more than any of us. That takes a toll on you.”
It did. I knew that. Just as seeing injustice and not being able to fix it injured me in ways I couldn’t put into words. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“You don’t have to,” he rasped. “All you have to say is you want to try. The rest is on me to fix. I broke us. I will do my best to fix this if you let me. That’s the permission I need.”
I gave a watery chuckle. “Oh, you’ve been waiting for my permission?”
“No, because I’m a selfish git—as previously stated—who needs you too much. Please give it though. Please give it. Take me back, Tamsin.” He let out a choked sob and lowered his forehead to my shoulder. “Please take me back, love.”
“Okay,” I breathed.
He pulled me onto his lap and hugged me with all he had. I soaked up his determination and certainty. He was completely sure we would work and make it this time.
And I didn’t think he was lying to himself. It wasn’t him blowing smoke or having more faith in himself. Or us. He was simply certain.
I was not, but maybe I wasn’t as certain we would fail. Maybe?
“Thank you, love,” he rasped as he kissed my temple and rubbed my back. “I won’t let you regret it, I promise.”
I nodded as he kept whispering sweet things and promises to me. I wasn’t sure what else to do.
I did know what to do when he tried to kiss me. “Slowly.”
“Right, you thought the dream was…” He let out a slow breath. “I’m sorry.”
“I know, but I don’t regret them,” I admitted.
“I’m glad.” There was an awkward pause and he cleared his throat. “We also need to talk about something else difficult.” He gave me a worried look when I glanced up at him. “You broke the mistress charm.”
And now we were back together. Fuck.
It wasn’t as if we were going to jump right back into doing dirty things all over his lecture hall—far from it. But our auras had gotten us busted more than once. If his wasn’t full of so much grief and upset, it would get us caught.
Or him in serious trouble for having such strong feelings for a student. It wasn’t against the rules, but someone would bust him and start shit because they could. Because it involved me.
Probably that would be the culprit.
The problem was we had to have sex to activate a new charm.
“Okay,” I breathed, not sure what else to do. The last thing we needed was more trouble.
“We can go back to slow after,” he murmured. “I understand you weren’t ready for everything in the dreamscape.” He sighed when I flinched. “I didn’t mean that. I meant naked snuggles in bed or any of it. I knew that without even knowing you thought it a normal dream. It’s easier there. It was for me too. You’re still asleep.”
I considered what he’d said and nodded. “Yeah, it was easier. Calmer. Not so much of everything conflicting. It was like how River or Lucca’s bear thinks and feels as opposed to Hudson or Lucca.”
“I never thought of it that way. I don’t… I’m not a shifter or dragon. It’s not something I can comprehend well.”
I snorted. “My telepathy was the only way I didn’t completely lose my mind trying to understand it all. I could hear the thoughts and get it better then.” I cleared my throat and gave him a tentative glance. “Before break ends. We’ve got a week still.”
“If that’s what you want.” He kissed my forehead and didn’t push it.
He also didn’t let me go for a while. At least a half an hour, he held me on his lap and we snuggled without saying a word. It meant something. There was meaning to it, I was sure of that, but I had no idea what.
I rarely did.
14
The Friday before school started again and I needed to return to campus, we decided it was time to unfreeze more fairies. Everyone else was already back at campus—even Izzy—and had brought my stuff, but I was more than safe with all the fairies now staying at my house.
My magic was doing that weird spidey sense thing and had been for a few days. I didn’t think it had to do with the plan, but some sort of warning. Something was up and it was trying to let me know.
Why the fuck couldn’t it just send me a damn text?
It got worse about an hour before we were to start and for some reason, I knew to head to sitting room in the other wing. I didn’t worry that was creepy or question it, simply throwing up my barrier and cloaking myself from everyone before heading that way.
And was I ever glad I did.
“You’re not hearing me,” Neldor sighed as I slipped into the room since the door was ajar. “This won’t work if we’re not a united front. She’s an idiot to unfreeze more dark fairies, but we have to use that to our advantage.”
“It’s fair and so is she,” Cluym defended. “As fairies, we praise fairness, not critic
ize it.”
Neldor shot Cluym an amused look. “Only when it’s not being stupid. It’s putting her at a disadvantage for the power struggle we’re in.”
“You’re in, Neldor. She’s not playing this game with you. You’re the only one focused on the struggle between the thrones of the two realms. Her priorities are on saving all fairies and our planet.” He sighed. “And honestly, I’m disappointed that’s where your focus is.”
Neldor stopped in his tracks and gave Cluym an unfriendly but mostly confused look. “What?”
“We’re in crisis. Serious crisis. All our focus should only be there and yours is not.” He held up his hand when Neldor went to argue. “There is looking ahead and planning properly and there is what you are doing. It will take years before we can recover all our people and have some sort of life like we once had.”
“I know that,” Neldor snapped.
“Do you? Do you really?” Cluym pushed. “I think you are forgetting that, skipping thoughts of the recovery because of guilt. But the guilt is not yours, Neldor. Your mother did this, and we did all we could to try and stop her. If you continue on this path, the guilt of things going wrong when they didn’t have to will be yours.”
“I’m seeing the ripples and how it will shape the reformation of our world in the wake of all that happened. If Tamsin keeps being at the center and the one to handle all the droplets, all the ripples will be hers, and that will be a mistake for us.”
Cluym didn’t answer for several moments. “For you, maybe.”
“Excuse me.”
“You are forgetting something important here.”
“Oh? I am? Enlighten me please.”
“I switched sides as you did. We swore our allegiance to the light.”
Neldor frowned at him. “Of course I know that. We sided with Queen Meira as was the right move because—”
“And her daughter,” Cluym growled, stopping Neldor in his tracks. “I swore my allegiance to the side of the light, Neldor. Many of us did to try and stop the war. Yes, I, at that time, agreed with your mating the heir of the light realm and combining the realms, a king maybe what we needed. Things are different but my allegiance is not. I am on the side of the light. I am on the side of Queen Meira’s daughter.”
“No, that’s—”
“And so are you. You are supposed to be, by your oath,” Cluym cut in. He sighed when steam practically came out of Neldor’s ears. “You swore it. Do with that as you will, but people know you did.”
Neldor deflated as he seemed to realize something. “It’s why you stopped referring to me with certain titles since you came back.”
“Yes,” Cluym confirmed. “I’m not a subject of the dark realm anymore, but the light. And with all due respect, you are not the dark realm heir. Even though you are the only royal still alive, you cannot be the heir.”
“I know that,” Neldor snapped.
“Do you?” he challenged. “Because you seemed to think I would address you as ‘Your Highness,’ as we do heirs instead of ‘Your Grace,’ as I would any other royal or commoners do nobles.”
It was Neldor’s turn to be quiet for a bit. “I don’t know what I expected, Cluym. I wished I could turn back the clock and this not be our future. I’m not so shallow I was focusing on the titles. I think I was shocked you didn’t immediately refer to me as your prince, but it was an afterthought of everything else we face.”
“I am glad to hear that because I haven’t been happy with your focus,” Cluym said gently. “And I’m sorry, I won’t side with you on this. I won’t push for her to honor the betrothal. I don’t think it’s what’s best anymore.”
“How can you say that? She knows nothing about our people, our world, and needs—”
“You don’t even respect her, Neldor,” he whispered sadly. “I’m ashamed at how I’ve seen you treat her, and I believe the others that you’ve been curbing it now that we’re here. But I don’t think she needs anything. I think she is exactly what we need.”
“You are mad,” Neldor scoffed.
“No, you are blinded with fear and guilt at what your mother did. She is what we need. Please just listen to me, Neldor.”
“Fine, enlighten me.”
“She doesn’t see me as a dark fairy.”
“That’s it? That’s your argument? That’s she’s ignorant and—”
“It’s not ignorance,” Cluym snapped. “She knows I’m one. She’s not daft. You take all of her different opinions as her being stupid. It’s not. She’s highly intelligent. She simply doesn’t agree with you. But hear me on this because this will touch all fairies as it has touched me. She does not see me as a dark fairy. I am simply a fairy to her. I am like her and that’s all that matters. I’m a person.”
“Yes, she’s a bleeding heart, according to all the supes and—”
“Kind! We need that to heal. No more wars, Neldor. Wasn’t that the dream? That was the goal and it was her first push. She stepped up and did what no queen has for over a thousand years and demanded champion warfare.”
“Only because she’s stronger than me,” Neldor argued.
“She wouldn’t have agreed to curb her power then. We need her, and I cannot push for the betrothal when I do not think it in the best interest of our people or what Queen Meira even truly wanted it!” He cursed several times and winced as rage about poured out of Neldor.
“What madness do you speak of?” Neldor demanded, his tone cold and deadly.
Cluym swallowed loudly, fear filling his eyes. “Queen Meira had visions. We all know this. She saw much. It was why she smuggled Princess Tamsin out of Faerie. She thought ahead to get the one person out of Faerie who could save us all because of the counterspell Queen Meira would place against your mother’s magic. She knew this future was a possibility.”
“Yes, thank you, I know that as well. I spoke with Meira about the plan to get Tamsin to your mate. He was a wise choice, but everything went to hell from there it seems.”
Cluym sighed, looking ready to pull out his hair, but what he was alluding to hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t even contain my hope.
I didn’t even care that I would out myself as having eavesdropped, taking down my barrier and showing myself to both of them. “You think she never planned for us to truly mate but to have Neldor switch sides, swearing allegiance to the light—which you said transfers to me—so he didn’t try to take over the instant I started unfreezing people. She had no idea what age I could get back in and do it.”
Cluym’s gaze stayed on Neldor as he answered me. “Yes. Yes, that’s what I believe, and I’ve told my mate the same. I think Queen Meira proposed the idea to try and bring peace to the realms as her visions were never certain. But if things went the worst path then there was protection for you should she die when she saved us all. She was wise like that, and my heart tells me this truth.”
“You can’t know that,” Neldor hissed.
“You’re right; I can’t,” Cluym agreed, before meeting my gaze. “But we can’t know I’m wrong either, and it kills me that you have the impression of your mother that you do. She would never have sold you. Queen Meira was maybe one of the kindest, most selfless women I have ever met. She was beloved. She proposed an idea, but would never have forced you.”
“She still promised—” Neldor argued.
“You are being as evil as your mother became by pushing this,” Cluym snapped. “You know Meira would never have promised this for Tamsin. You know this. She would not have sold her beloved daughter. She made the promise of hope of an alliance. She could not make the promise for her child. It is against our ways. We do not believe in forcing matings.”
“She still signed her name on the line for something that wasn’t hers to give,” I whispered, trying to swallow the idea that things weren’t as bad as I’d first thought. I didn’t have it in me to hope though after everything had been pulled out from under me once.
We’d never know for sure, after a
ll. Was there any point in even speculating? Fine, it was great to know that Neldor had actually sworn his alliance to the light, meaning it was to me, but I didn’t put much stock in any of that. I couldn’t even accept I was the heir.
“No, please, you have to understand what I’m saying and stop listening to his poisoning of you against your mother,” Cluym begged me as he moved closer. “He has an agenda in this, and I wish to be fair.” He waited until I nodded. “It is against our ways, unlike supes. We do not push for alliance matings or selling off our children like you have seen with the elite children at Artemis.”
“He is right,” Neldor sighed. “And I tried to explain some of this, but she would not even listen to me.” He shrugged when I shot him a nasty look. “I didn’t say it was unfair. You should listen to those more knowledgeable than you though.”
“I do. The ones I can trust,” I sneered. I gestured between them when he tried to object. “My magic was warning me something big was going on here. That’s how I walked in on this. You were pulling shit again, Neldor. I’m not an idiot for unfreezing dark fairies next. Of course I know you’re going to try to sway them to your cause. I don’t care.”
“What?” he whispered.
Cluym chuckled at his shock. “You truly need to start listening to her. Even I know this, and I’ve known her only a short time. Every fairy and fair folk in Faerie could want her to mate you to join the realms and she would not cave if she didn’t think it best for our world.”
I shrugged at Neldor’s gobsmacked expression. “Even then. I’m not for sale. There is always another way. If we’re smart, there is always a better way than the one in front of us, but time might limit us. So try and sway all the fairies you want to your side. The only thing it will make me do is walk away from all of you.” I shrugged again. “I’ve lived just fine without you all these years. I would again.”
Cluym swallowed loudly, believing me whereas Neldor didn’t.
Which was stupid since I’d already showed him I was a woman of my word.
“For fairies, it’s different,” Cluym explained, bringing my focus back to what he was trying to say. “It’s a blessing on an idea. It’s meant to bring… Well, this time peace but normally, it’s prosperity on houses or businesses that joining bloodlines can happen in the future. But lots of times they never do, and that’s fine. There is never bad blood if the children’s hearts take them to another.”
