Was it really supposed to hurt like this?
He had known something like this was coming for months now. They had just started to drift apart to the point where he wasn’t even sure who Roxie and Carter were anymore. Seeing that it wasn’t truly that big of a surprise, why did it hurt so much?
But it had been a surprise.
Even though it shouldn’t have been, it was.
As soon as he saw those papers, he felt as if he’d been kicked in the gut. Everything had just gone black and dim for a moment as he fought to catch his breath. It hadn’t been the pain of everything happening, it had just been the fact that he was losing her.
And those papers solidified it.
“Can you pass the rolls?” Dimitri asked, bringing Carter out of his thoughts.
Everybody was sitting at the dinner table passing around food and talking about their days. The kids were at the table, too, smiling and laughing and giggling with one another. And Dimitri’s dog, Captain, was sitting by his master’s side, sweetly looking up at the table, hoping for food. Not that the dog actually ate people-food, but the Golden liked to pretend that he was in dire need of it.
Everybody was here. A great big family. And Roxie hadn’t said a fucking word to him yet.
Not that he could talk to her either.
“So, do you really need the walker now?” Shep asked, a frown on his face. “‘Because you were walking just fine earlier.”
“I’m fine without it,” Carter said, ignoring the way he could feel Roxie’s eyes glaring at him. Maybe not glaring, but shooting daggers for sure.
“Then why are you using it?” Roxie’s brother asked, still piling potatoes onto his plate.
“They gave it to me after the first checkup just in case my leg gave out. It hasn’t yet, though. It’s mostly just to make sure all of you guys realize that I’m doing okay, or at least I think.”
“The doctor said you should use it, so that’s why you have it,” Roxie said. It was the first thing she had said to him all fucking day. They had spent all day together in that house of theirs, in the echoing chamber of everything they once had, and she hadn’t said a word to him. She had just calmly and silently helped him around the house, even when he didn’t need the help.
To say that the marriage was well and truly over was probably an understatement at this point.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re getting better, even if the walker is really just for show at this point. I hope.” Thea sat next to him and patted his hand, her eyes bright. The two of them hadn’t really talked much since everything happened, but she had been dealing with so much of her own stuff for the past month or so, he didn’t really blame her. Plus, he had a feeling that she didn’t really want to come over to the house to thank him or whatever she needed to do to make herself feel better about what had happened, not when she had to know what was going on and was standing between Roxie and himself. Roxie was Thea’s sister so, of course, Thea needed to take her sister’s side. Carter just hated that there were sides at all.
It wasn’t like he was waiting for a thank you. He didn’t need gratitude for pushing Thea out of the way. Yeah, he had gotten hurt, but anyone would’ve done it.
The hope and gratefulness in their eyes when they looked at him just made him sick.
Because it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. Not when everything was going to end any day now.
They continued their dinner, talking about random things and letting him be quiet for the rest of the evening. He didn’t miss the fact that Roxie didn’t speak either. It was just so damned awkward between them now, and he hated it. But it wasn’t like he could change things. Not when she had asked for the divorce. And he was probably going to let it happen.
By the time they got home, Carter was exhausted and not because of his body, because his brain and his heart hurt. They were heavy, filled to the brim with everything that he didn’t need and yet everything that pushed at him.
They stood in the entryway, Roxie near the stairs so she could go up to the master bedroom that he didn’t share with her anymore, and him facing the guest room where he would be sleeping for the rest of his time under this roof.
“Can I help you with anything before bed?” Roxie asked, her voice hollow. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, didn’t know what she was feeling.
But that was the problem, wasn’t it?
“I’m fine, goodnight.”
They still had a couple of hours before bed, but neither of them commented on that. They were just going to go their separate ways, a prelude to what would happen as soon as Carter was completely healed.
Roxie gave him a tight nod and then went upstairs. He did his best not to look at her. Because when he looked at her, he ached.
Because he missed his wife. He missed her smile, he missed everything about her.
He missed the way she would laugh at something inane and then bury her face in her hands because she knew that it was silly to laugh at it.
He missed her touch, her taste. Yeah, he missed sex, but it wasn’t like they’d had sex recently. They used to have their hands on each other all the time.
And then she’d stopped talking.
She’d stopped smiling.
And he couldn’t figure out how to make her do either of them again. He’d tried, but it hadn’t worked.
And then, eventually, he’d stopped trying altogether.
And she hadn’t done anything about it.
So, this was his fault. Because he had tried, and he’d failed. It would always be his fault.
Always.
Chapter 4
Brushes with Lushes was the tradition, a routine, something that Roxie and her friends and family loved to do once a month. Brushes with Lushes was something that she secretly despised, but only because she wasn’t really good at it. Oh, the lush part, the part where you drank wine while you pretended to paint, that part she was pretty good at. It was the brushes part, the one where she actually had to be an artist. That part, she wasn’t very good at.
The fact that the rest of her family seemed to be full of artists probably had something to do with why she felt so inadequate when it came to the brushes part of Brushes with Lushes.
Brushes with Lushes—man did she hate saying that name in her head forty times, but she did because she would likely mess it up one day—was run by Kaylee, their newer friend, but one who had become close over time. At least close to the others in Roxie’s family. She didn’t know Kaylee that well, and she kind of regretted that. It was mostly because Roxie was so far into her own mind and her own problems lately, she’d pretty much pushed a lot of people out to make room.
She hated feeling selfish, but that was apparently all her brain could do these days.
Because in order for Roxie to focus on her work, her life, and the fact that everything was crumbling around her, she had to keep from thinking about other things.
And that meant that she had no idea what was going on with Shea and Shep. The fact that they had moved up with their daughter Livvy from New Orleans a little over a year ago meant that Roxie should have been closer to her brother and his family. But, in reality, she sometimes felt as if she were closer to them when they were just using Skype and making phone calls. Hell, she had probably been closer to Shep when she was just writing him letters when he first moved away to find his art and himself. Now, he was back—a husband, a father, and far more settled than he had ever been when he first left Colorado for New Orleans.
But she didn’t really know what the couple was up to. She didn’t know if Livvy was enjoying her new home. Didn’t know if Shea liked living in a new place. Yes, the woman worked in the same field as Roxie, but that didn’t mean they actually worked together. She didn’t know anything because she hadn’t asked. Because she was so self-absorbed lately, she hadn’t been able to. And she hated herself for that. But the main thing was, if she asked, she knew they would ask about her and Carter. And Roxie wasn’t ready to talk about t
hat. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
She didn’t even know if her brother and sister-in-law were going to have another baby. She ignored the twinge that always came when she thought those words, about what would happen if Shea got pregnant again, and just focused on walking through the doorway of the studio where Brushes with Lushes was held.
And then she saw Abby sitting next to Shea, and she winced. Roxie hadn’t even known that Abby had found love again with a tattoo artist, one of the Montgomerys’ friends named Ryan. She didn’t know anything about their relationship because she had been so focused on getting Carter better and not talking about what was important.
Abby and Ryan was apparently a very new relationship, but the two were head-over-heels in love with each other.
And Roxie really tried not to feel nervous about that. Because anything that burned that hot and that fast wasn’t necessarily doomed to fizzle out, but considering what she was living with right then, Roxie couldn’t help but hope that Ryan and Abby’s relationship didn’t end up like hers and Carter’s. Especially for Abby’s daughter’s sake. Julia didn’t need to lose another man in her life. Although Roxie knew that Julia had never met her father because he had passed away when Abby was still pregnant, the little girl didn’t need any more loss.
None of them did.
Roxie took a seat next to Abby and gave the other woman a small smile before she looked to her right. She tried to keep that smile up for her two sisters. Thea and Adrienne watched her like hawks, maybe not necessarily waiting for her to break down and feel weak, but at least looking to see when Roxie might finally speak to them.
She just wasn’t ready yet. And, yes, that was selfish, but that was who Roxie was. Selfish, cool, and evil. At least that’s what she kept telling herself as she wondered why she couldn’t fix what was going on with her and Carter. But sometimes there was nothing to fix. Sometimes, it was just better to walk away before somebody got hurt even more.
“I was wondering if you were going to show up,” Thea said, a patient smile on her face. “You’re usually never this late.”
Roxie winced and put her bag under the table. “Sorry. The office ran late, and then I needed to go home and change so I wasn’t coming here in a suit.” She’d been home for all of twenty minutes, ten of those spent standing outside of Carter’s door, wondering what she could say, wondering if she could speak to him at all.
She hadn’t knocked.
Hadn’t wanted to bother him.
“You do look cute in that suit, though,” Adrienne said, her eyes imploring. Adrienne wasn’t a gossip, wasn’t too probing, but both of Roxie’s sisters truly wanted to help her. She knew that. She just didn’t want to ask for help. She didn’t want to mess things up more than she already had. And in order to make that happen, she needed to fix everything herself and then come to her sisters for the final parts where they could smooth everything over.
It all sounded so idiotic when she said it to herself, but she was an idiot.
Roxie smiled a little bit more this time, hoping it didn’t look brittle. “Well, I know I look great in a suit. Thankfully, I do, because it’s sort of part of my job.”
“Don’t I know it. Although I think Shep really likes me in a suit. After all, the suit and the bun at the back of my head were pretty much what drew him to me.” Shea grinned, and the rest of them laughed. Shea had gone in for a tattoo down in New Orleans, and that was how she had met Shep. Apparently, she had been a little icier then, a little more reserved than she was now. But the two of them were it for each other. Shea brought out the calmness in Shep, and he brought out the warmth in her.
Roxie hadn’t known Shea before she got with Shep, but from what the couple had said, they had both come out of their shells exactly as they needed to. They were exactly who they needed to be for themselves and each other.
And Roxie was only a little bit envious of that. Because, after all, she had thought Carter was exactly who she needed. The one who could bring her out of her shell. The one who could help her stand on her own two feet. Because she wasn’t always good at that.
Her family was so talented, so full of depth and honor. There was Shep, the older and wiser one, who had always been the life of the party, even when he was the responsible one. He was one of the best tattoo artists in the country, only fighting for the top position in competition with the rest of her family it seemed. Adrienne was another of those top tattoo artists. Plus, she always seemed to have everything handled, even when she felt like she was failing. She had opened up her own business with Shep, and it was thriving. And Adrienne always had a new hobby, not letting the other go because she couldn’t do it, but because she had mastered it and wanted to learn something else. First, it had been knitting, and then singing, then back to knitting, and now she was doing much better at this whole painting thing than Roxie could ever hope to do. Considering that Adrienne was an artist, albeit with ink on skin as canvas rather than what they were painting on now, it made sense.
But, apparently, Adrienne was starting to paint on her own, even setting up a little studio at her house. Roxie hadn’t seen it yet, but she would. As soon as she got her head out of her ass and started being part of the Montgomerys again.
And then there was Thea. Perfect Thea. God, Roxie hated how that sounded in her head. Because she was not jealous of her sister. She adored her sibling and loved the fact that Thea was everything. She was an amazing businesswoman, an entrepreneur, the best baker in the history of bakers in Roxie’s opinion. Although Thea wouldn’t say that. She was amazing at what she did, and soon, her business, Colorado Icing, would expand even more. She put her all into everything and was now finally in love with the man she probably should have been in love with from the start. All of Roxie’s family and friends were falling in love it seemed, and she couldn’t help but wonder where she had gone wrong.
Because she loved Carter, loved the idea of him.
But she didn’t love how being with him made her feel these days.
She didn’t love the fact that she was so in her head that she was missing out on the rest of her life.
So, she just needed to breathe. And take things one day at a time.
Even if it didn’t make sense to anyone else.
Kaylee walked into the room at that moment, brandishing a nice bottle of rosé.
The other woman grinned as she set down the bottle on the front table. “This is my reward for finishing my painting in the room, though I won’t taste a sip until you’re all ready for me to critique your work.” She laughed as she said it, and the others joined her.
Roxie couldn’t help the turn of her stomach at the word critique. Kaylee didn’t actually judge their paintings since the class was more about community and friendship than putting out art that could sell. But knowing that didn’t make her feel any better about it.
Because Roxie really wasn’t that good at this whole thing. She tried to be. She hadn’t yet resorted to taking private lessons on the side so she could at least paint a somewhat straight line, but she had thought about it. If she weren’t so busy during tax season and with learning about what was going on between her and Carter, she might have been able to actually take some time to learn how to draw. Because even though Thea didn’t technically think of herself as an artist, she was. Between decorating cakes and cookies, her sister was amazingly talented when it came to art. Abby and Shea were also pretty decent at it, though none of them compared to Adrienne’s talent.
Not that anybody actually compared themselves. Only Roxie did that. And that was because she wasn’t good at it. And she hated not being good at things.
She was good, sometimes even great, at everything she tried most times—because she attempted as many things as Adrienne did—but, sometimes, like with art, she just wasn’t.
And she hated failing.
The fact that she was doing her best not to correlate that she hated failing at art with the fact that she was failing at her marriage wasn’t lost on her
. But she was not going to think about that. Because the more she thought about it, the worse her art got, and the more she wanted to get into the lushes part of Brushes with Lushes.
“Okay, ladies. Today, we’re working on a moonscape. I know, you’re so surprised. Brushes with Lushes working on moonscapes... But, I know that you all love moons and trees, and it’s still quite dark and cold outside. So, it was either this or a forestscape with just snow. Maybe next time we’ll go with bright colors and palm trees in the Caribbean so we can imagine that we’re somewhere in warm weather.” Kaylee laughed with the rest of the group, and Roxie just shook her head, a smile playing on her face.
She really liked Kaylee and had heard through the grapevine that the other woman may or may not be seeing another member of their group. A man named Landon. Roxie didn’t really know Landon well, though her sisters did. It seemed that everybody was finding love and lust these days. Everybody but Roxie.
But she wasn’t going to think about that right then.
Because if she did, she would get depressed, or even more depressed than she already was. And then her sisters would try not to ask even more questions. Because they were giving her space. But by giving her space, it was making her feel like she was being closed in. She had no idea how that worked, but they were being so careful around her, that she was having trouble remembering exactly who she was supposed to be. Remembering exactly how she was supposed to act so it didn’t look like her whole life was falling apart.
“We can totally do this,” Shea said, grinning. “Right?”
“I think I’m going to need more wine.” Roxie did her best to look like she was joking, but she still took a very large sip of her drink. She might need to call a car service to get back home if tonight continued as it was.
“Moons I can do. It’s how they reflect light on everything else that I can’t do,” Thea said, her teeth worrying her lip.
“But Kaylee is going to show us how to do that, right?” Roxie asked, suddenly worried that she was standing in front of a blank canvas. A blank canvas that not only represented the art that she didn’t know how to do but also the future and what would happen once Carter was completely healed. Because Carter was better. He could work now. Maybe not as many hours as he used to, but that hadn’t been healthy for either of them. Everything was going to change, and Roxie’s life mirrored this blank canvas.
Jagged Ink: A Montgomery Ink: Colorado Springs Novel Page 4
