“I hate this.” He hadn’t meant to say that, but he was kind of glad that he did.
“We hate it for you, too.” Ryan’s words were soft, and the three of them paused in their conversation for a moment as they got their food.
“What are you going to do, Carter?” Landon asked, playing with his chips.
“I love her. I love her with everything that I am. But after things change, when you lose things, when you realize that you’re not enough, you discover that love is not enough. And I’m not going to fight for something that doesn’t exist. I’m not going to degrade what we had, or at least what I thought we had because I thought we could be something more. Roxie doesn’t love me. She might have loved me before, but she doesn’t now. I don’t see it in her eyes. I didn’t hear it in her words. So, yeah, I’m walking away because she wants me to. And I hate myself for it, but I can’t change it.”
His two friends just looked at him, confusion on their faces. Yeah, he could relate. He was confused, too. But it had been a month since he last talked with his wife. A month since he had walked away.
And he just didn’t know what to do anymore.
Because they had lost something. They had lost something vital between them, and then that loss had turned what they had into something deeper, darker, and more depraved.
There was no coming back from that.
There was no working through two people who just didn’t know each other anymore.
And Carter guessed this was really the end. Because it had to be.
Chapter 8
Roxie had found her big-girl panties. They were hiding behind her period grannies and the fancy ones she wore daily. But now that she’d found them, she wasn’t sure she was actually ready to wear them.
But knowing they were there meant she could do something brave…like invite her sisters over for dinner and wine, something she hadn’t done in months.
It had been far too long since Thea and Adrienne had been to Roxie’s house for dinner. In fact, she couldn’t actually remember the last time it had happened. Thea had them over more often for game nights and meals. Adrienne usually let Thea or their parents do the inviting because Adrienne’s house wasn’t as big, and she was in the process of moving into Mace’s. That way, Mace’s daughter, Daisy, wouldn’t have to move again in such a short timeframe.
And Shep and Shea had just come back to Colorado Springs. Well, not really just, considering the tattoo shop was already up and running and doing amazing. It felt like everything was moving far too fast, and Roxie was struggling to keep up.
So, she knew that she needed to be a part of her family once more. Because the problem was, she had tried so hard to make herself who she needed to be so she could feel whole again that she had pushed everyone away in the process.
Including Carter.
She knew that now… Knew that she hadn’t spoken to him. She hadn’t told him what she was feeling, hadn’t really told him anything when everything had first happened. Instead, she had gone into herself, trying to pretend that everything was okay. And when it wasn’t okay, she had messed things up.
Now, she really didn’t know what the next step to anything was, but she knew she had to stop being so insular. And in order to do that, she needed to be a Montgomery again. She needed to see her sisters. She needed to stop ignoring their calls and texts, and she needed to stop thinking that they were just going to rush in and try to fix things for her. Because they hadn’t done that yet—and hadn’t done that at all if she truly thought about it.
Yes, they always worried about her and wanted to help. But they never took over. They were amazing like that, and Roxie had to remember that.
Before she could get too far into her thoughts and actually convince herself to cancel this whole thing because she was too worried about how she would react, there was a knock on the door, followed by a doorbell ring, and the sounds of laughter on the other side of the panel.
Her sisters were here.
Roxie didn’t know why she was nervous and excited at the same time. Oh, yeah, it was because she had pushed them away while trying to push away from herself.
Of course, that’s why she felt this way.
“Hey there,” she said as she opened the door, trying to make herself look like she was doing just fine. She was anything but fine, but she wasn’t going to think about that right then.
Wow, she sure said that to herself often these days.
Adrienne grinned at her, her long, dark hair piled on the top of her head. Thea just shook her head and rolled her eyes and smiled at her, her hair flowing in the wind, looking slightly different since she had added a set of honey highlights to it.
Her sisters looked very similar with their bright blue eyes and their intense features. Roxie had always looked a little bit different, her hair a little lighter, her eyes a little darker. She more resembled Shep, but he was over a decade older than she was, so it wasn’t like they had actually looked like each other when they were kids. But Roxie had seen pictures, so she knew that her features appeared much like his. And Shep and Shea’s daughter Livvy resembled Roxie when she was a little girl.
“What’s with the eye roll?” Roxie asked, moving out of the way so her sisters could walk into the house.
“Because I expected this long speech or some awkward silence, and I had no idea what would happen, so I got really nervous and rolled my eyes like a dork. I’m sorry. I have cheese. Of course, I have cheese. I’m Thea Montgomery, I always have cheese.”
She held out a beautiful charcuterie plate complete with at least five cheeses, a few cured types of meat, some honey, chutney, and a couple of other things to use with that cheese. Thea was probably the best baker Roxie knew. And yet, her sister also had this oddly orgasmic relationship with cheese. Considering that Dimitri had a very similar relationship, Roxie was glad that the two had found each other.
However, their passion for cheese meant that Roxie would never go hungry when it came to the dairy product.
And now that she had said cheese on her mind, she realized she was starving.
Thankfully, they had a whole plate of it.
“Seriously?” Roxie just shook her head, taking the plate into the kitchen. “That’s how you start this off?”
“We’ve never done this before. I’m not very good at this whole awkward thing. I mean, my whole life is awkward, but you already know that.”
Roxie just snorted and poured the three of them glasses of wine. She didn’t even have to ask them what kind they liked. As she handed over the glasses, Adrienne shrugged off her coat, and Roxie took it and Thea’s to the coat closet.
The three of them settled in and did their best to pretend that everything was fine, even though it wasn’t.
“I have no idea what I’m doing. And I’m sorry that I’m acting like a dork. And I’m sorry that I pushed you guys away. I love you guys, but I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“What’s going on with Carter, Roxie?” Adrienne asked, her voice soft. “We love you, and we’ve done our best to give you some space, but we’re worried.”
“I thought Liam would have given you all the updates by now,” she said, not really knowing if she was leading them or actually asking the question.
Both sisters winced, and Roxie knew that she was on the right track. “We’re sorry, Liam doesn’t actually report to us or anything.” Her sister winced again and then set her wine glass down. “That sounds horrible. It’s just that Shep and Adrienne and I were thinking that maybe somebody who likes to do the same stuff that you used to do would be good for you. But he doesn’t tell us what you guys talk about. He doesn’t even tell us when you go out. We just occasionally ask if you happened to go out, and he grunts or texts back. So, I’m sorry, it’s just…we were worried about you and didn’t know what else to do.”
“I’m really sorry, too. We love Liam, we’re glad that he’s getting out of the house, as well. God knows he needs to. It’s just that we didn’t kn
ow what else to do, and we love you so much, Roxie.”
Roxie wiped away a tear, but no more came. For that, she was grateful. She wasn’t in the mood to start sobbing right then. “I figured someone had called Liam to tell him that I probably needed somebody. And, up until recently, he never bugged me. But now, he’s bugging me, and I think it means that a month of me sulking and acting like a baby is quite enough.”
“You’re not a baby. And you’re not acting like a baby.”
Roxie shook off Thea’s words. “Not dealing with my emotions or anything around me and diving into other things so I don’t actually have to think about what’s important? That sounds like baby behavior.” Every time Roxie said the word baby she winced inwardly, but thankfully, her sisters didn’t notice. Thankfully, her sisters wouldn’t be looking too hard at her features when she said that word.
“What happened with Carter?” Adrienne asked again.
“I don’t want to go into all of it. I know I need to. And I will. I just need to actually think the words on my own right now, and I can’t even do that. And I need to talk to him. I don’t know what else to do. Because of some things that happened, and because I don’t think that we are the people we need to be for each other, I filed for divorce.”
Both of her sisters just sat there, their eyes wide as they blinked rapidly.
“You asked for a divorce?” Thea asked, her voice deceptively calm. “You’re the one who asked?”
Roxie nodded. She swallowed hard, trying not to remember the look on Carter’s face when he had seen the papers. “We haven’t signed anything yet, and I don’t know what else will happen. But it’s done. It’s over. And I think it has to be. Because he’s no longer living here. He left as soon as he was healed. You guys know he’s staying with Landon. And he’s not coming back. In order for our marriage to work, there needs to be something that brings you together. Something that keeps you together. And I don’t think we have that anymore.”
“You don’t know that, Roxie. You just said yourself, you need to talk to him. So, talk to him.”
“I want to, Adrienne. And we tried. It just didn’t work. He doesn’t love me anymore.”
“You don’t know that, Roxie,” Thea put in.
“I do. And that’s the problem. Because if he loved me, this would have worked.”
“Do you love him?” Adrienne asked.
Roxie wanted to answer, wanted to figure out exactly what she should say. But it was hard to tell somebody exactly what was going on in her mind when she couldn’t figure it out herself. She loved the idea of Carter so much. She loved him so much. But it wasn’t enough. She didn’t like the person she had become loving him. She didn’t like that she didn’t know how to be herself, that she didn’t even know who she was when she was with him. And that was on her.
And if she were going to figure out what she needed to do to find herself again and discover what parts of herself were left after everything had fallen apart, she couldn’t be with someone that didn’t love her. She couldn’t be with someone that she was afraid she didn’t love anymore.
“Sometimes, love isn’t enough.”
She hadn’t noticed that her sisters had frozen, their eyes wide, until she heard the discrete sound of someone clearing their throat behind her. She stiffened for a moment and then set her wine glass down before standing.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” she said, her voice almost emotionless.
Her husband shook his head. “I didn’t mean to barge in on you guys. I had to come here and pick up a few things I forgot. I didn’t see the cars in the driveway.”
“Mine’s in the garage.” She usually left it on the driveway. There wasn’t a lot of space to do laundry out there, but without his car, there had been space for her car and laundry. She could see that his thoughts had gone along the same track as hers, and she wanted to wipe away tears. But there were no tears. There couldn’t be when she didn’t want to break right then.
Because it was the little things like her being able to put her car in the garage because his wasn’t there that told both of them that this was becoming more permanent than she wanted to think about.
“We took a car service,” Adrienne blurted. “That way, we could have wine. That’s why our cars aren’t here. Sorry, Carter.”
“It’s good to see you, Carter.” Thea rushed to say the words and then winced before she and Adrienne stood up and murmured something awkward before going out into the dining room. Roxie was glad that they wouldn’t be there to witness this, but she also missed them. She didn’t want to do this on her own, and she knew that if she called for them, they would be right there for her. She was never truly alone with her family always there to support her. But why did she feel that she needed support when she was talking with her own husband.
“Do you need help?” she asked, not knowing what else to say.
“I’m fine. I can just come back later.”
“Don’t go.” She blurted the words, and he looked at her, stuffing his hands into his pockets. She wanted to think it was because he was trying to keep himself from touching her, but she didn’t want to put too much stock in that hope.
She missed his touch so much. It had been so long. She missed him.
She missed her husband so damn much.
“I’m just going to go and get a couple of things, and then I’ll leave you guys to yourselves.” He paused. “You’re looking good, Roxie.”
“Thank you,” she said, her voice small. “So are you.”
And it was true. Carter was looking healthier, even though the dark circles under his eyes were getting just as bad as they had been when they were each working too many hours. Despite that, they were starting to look like they were okay, like they were before everything had changed. And Roxie didn’t know what to make of that. Because were they doing better and becoming more self-assured now that they weren’t together?
That thought hurt the worst of all. What if the reason they floundered was because they were pulling each other down into that abyss?
“I’ll be quick. You can tell your sisters they can come back in. I won’t stay long.”
And then he went to the guest room, and she could hear him packing a few things. She just stood there, not calling her sisters back, not calling for him.
And then he walked past her again, pausing right beside her before leaning down and kissing her cheek.
He’d kissed her cheek.
She felt the touch of his lips on her skin, and she could remember everything they had, and why it hurt so much now that it was gone. Because it wasn’t just the fact that they weren’t talking, it was that they weren’t talking about the one thing that was the most important. It was something she wasn’t sure she could give him. The thing that she wasn’t sure she wanted. And it was the reason they were together in the first place.
At least in the abstract.
She was just so confused.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” Carter said quickly. “Because we need to talk, Roxie. Okay?”
She swallowed hard. “Of course. We do need to talk.”
“Good.”
And then he left. Suddenly, Roxie’s sisters were back in the room, holding her close as she leaned into them.
But she didn’t cry. Because if she cried, she’d have to acknowledge that everything was over and that everything was horrible. Because even though she knew that was the case, she could not admit it right then. All she wanted to do was eat some cheese, drink some wine, and pretend that everything was like it was before.
Only, it wasn’t. Because nothing was like it had been. Nothing would ever be the same. Nothing had been the same since she had nearly bled out on the carpet and thought her life was over.
But now she was left just standing there. Her heart bleeding this time instead of her body.
And it was over.
It was really over.
Chapter 9
Of all the stuff Carter could be doing today, th
e one thing he knew he needed to do was the single thing he wanted to do least of all.
Today had been a long time coming, and he knew that he just needed to get it over with, even if he would have rather been anywhere else right then.
He sat across from his wife, looking at anything but her because if he looked at her, he knew it would hurt too much. Of course, as soon as he’d seen her that morning when she first walked in, he hadn’t been able to keep his eyes off her, even though it hurt almost more than he could bear.
They were sitting in a café that he didn’t think they’d ever been to before, at least not together, and for that, he was grateful. He hadn’t wanted to go someplace where they had memories. And he sure as hell didn’t want to do it in the house where they’d shared so much, the building where she still lived, and the home he wouldn’t be a part of anymore. He didn’t think that any of her family members or even any of his staff came into this place, and that meant they’d be less likely to see anyone they knew. That was good.
He didn’t want to deal with questions. Didn’t want to deal with the stares. Didn’t want to deal with much, other than what he was about to do. It would hurt. It would hurt something fierce, and he knew it was going to be like cutting off a chunk of his heart. He was going to do it. Because that’s what he had to do.
He knew that love wasn’t enough anymore, it hadn’t been for a long time. So, he had called Roxie and asked her to meet him here. Asked her to come with the papers that he hadn’t looked at since he’d glanced over at them when he first walked into the house from the hospital, in pain in more ways than one.
He would figure it all out. He’d figure out exactly what he needed to do to keep breathing. This is what she needed. She deserved a life where she wasn’t constantly folding in on herself. Maybe he deserved something like that too, but he wasn’t sure anymore.
He just knew that it wasn’t working, and he wasn’t going to force something that caused both of them to hurt. Standing in a perpetual state of unease, pain, and failure only made the quicksand beneath your feet pull you down deeper, faster, and harder.
Jagged Ink: A Montgomery Ink: Colorado Springs Novel Page 8
