by Kate Gable
"Okay, thanks."
5
On the drive up, we listen to a lot of music and eat a lot of pretzels that we buy at the gas station right before we start ascending up the mountain. I'm tempted to pass, I want to, but when I see her crunching on them, I can't say no. The anxiety and the built-up energy that I felt earlier in my apartment seems to dissipate a little bit as I drink in the hot mint tea that I refilled at the gas station and let the slightly salted pretzels melt in my mouth.
Sydney relaxes a little bit, too, and the mood becomes a little bit more somber.
"What happened with Mark back then?" she asks.
I can't remember what details of the story I've told her previously and I want to talk about something else, but I'd be lying if I said that my thoughts didn't keep coming back to him.
"We met at a party when I first got to USC," I say, biting my lower lip and keeping my eyes on the road with nothing but trees whizzing by me and the occasional flood of headlights. “I wasn't really big into parties, but my roommates invited me to this one and I don't remember why, but I just went. It was at an apartment building across from mine.”
"So, this was what? Junior year?" she asks.
"Yeah, I transferred from Columbia. I was there for two years and I was having a lot of issues with my mom and I don't know, I had to fly back all the time from New York, and I really didn't like it as much as I thought I would."
"You didn't like New York?" Sydney asks.
"No. I don't know. Maybe it was a weird brainwashing thing that happened. I watched too many movies, too many shows about people going to New York and just becoming these super versions of themselves and I wanted that after growing up with my mom and everything that I went through with her. I don't know, I needed to go somewhere different. LA would have been far enough and maybe I should have just gone there right from the beginning, but I got into Barnard College. It's like the women's college associated with Columbia University and you can take classes at either institution. So, I went there. I had never been to New York before. I never even took a tour because my mom didn't really see the point of visiting colleges.”
"Wait, what?" Sydney asks. "Different colleges have different fields and different social lives. You don't always fit into what the school offers."
"Yeah, I know that now, but I didn't know that then. My mom didn't think like that and I didn't really, I don't know, think like that either at that time. I was just seventeen.
“Anyway, to make a long story even longer, my mom kept calling me about all the problems she was having and just feeling me out about different things with Violet. She just didn't want me up there and I just decided that it'd be easier if I was in LA to just deal with everything instead of flying back and forth. Like I said before, I didn't really like New York as much as I thought I would.”
"You thought you were going to be what? Like Sex in the City girls living it up?"
"Yeah. I know. It's stupid. The problem is that I wasn't in my thirties and I didn't have any money. I couldn't even afford to go to the movies."
"You're a girl, you could have guys buy drinks for you."
“Yeah, but then you have to talk to those guys. You have to have boring conversations about their boring lives, and I didn't want to deal with that.”
"Someone might say that's kind of your problem," Sydney says. "You just write every guy off and you don't give them a chance."
"Anyway, let's not talk about my sad love life. Let me tell you about Mark." I turn my attention back to the road and lose myself in the memories. "We met at this party. I was bored, drinking by the punch bowl waiting for something exciting to happen. My roommates immediately left me and found guys to talk to. I was just about to go home, but he caught up with me by the front door and just said, ‘Hi, I'm Mark and I think you're cute.’"
"Wow. Just like that? Right off the bat?"
"Yeah, just like that. It’s silly. Guys sometimes. It's hard making the first move and just putting yourself out there like that, but he just did, and he wasn't even drunk. I don't think he had a drink at all. He was just coming in and he saw me and said that. I told him that I’d talk to him for one drink. I remember that he ended up drinking it very, very slowly."
"Really?"
"Yeah. On purpose. When I called him on it, he said that he wanted to make the moment last as long as possible."
"Oh my god, that's so… swoon-worthy," Sydney says.
I smile and blush even though it's pitch black, but I feel my cheeks get red.
"So, what happened?"
"That whole semester we were just together all the time. He'd meet me after class, walk me to my next class. I'd meet him after his labs, and he had this one really long art class that was like four hours long. We always had Chinese food afterward and we studied together at Doheny."
"Doheny?"
"The library there. We made out in the stacks more than a few times."
"Ooh, sexy. What happened? Why aren't you and Mark together forever having lots of babies?"
"Lots of babies?" I smirk and look at her. "Aren't you just engaged? Don't act like you don't know what happens to college boyfriends."
"Okay, yes, but honestly, I've never had a college boyfriend like that. You guys sound so cute and perfect like out of a romantic comedy."
"Yeah, we were inseparable, but then I went to meet his parents and things were just off. They're really Catholic. There was a whole situation where I went to visit his sister in Northern California. They’d just moved into a new house, but there was not enough room for everyone to stay there. So, we got a hotel room, but his parents insisted on sort of getting everyone hotel rooms and paying for them so that everyone could be together in the same hotel. Then they found out that we were planning on staying in the same room together and they freaked out. They kept insisting that I had to stay in the room by myself because Mark was going to stay in a room with his brother. That was the same night that I first met them and it was just so awkward and weird. Mark got really mad and yelled at them. We stayed in the same room, but it was just the whole weekend was really off after that."
"Yeah, I imagine, but what does that have to do with what happened between you and Mark?"
"I don't know. The thing with his family didn't exactly work out, and then he was really close to them, and it just felt like our relationship was sort of causing problems."
"Okay, I feel like I'm pulling teeth. What happened?"
"I had to go to Hawaii for this conference. I was a physics major. I don't even remember what the conference was about, but I was doing a presentation from this research that I’d done in class and he was going to go with me. It was a school/fun trip combination thing, but then last minute, he just said that he couldn't go and we got into this fight. I really wanted him to come because I was really scared of doing this presentation and it just felt like I honestly didn't know anything about physics in comparison to everyone else who was going to be there. Anyway, he said that he had this term paper to work on that he had been slacking off and it was due right after the conference. That was true. Although, I didn't want to understand and I went alone, we were in a fight. At one point, we both talked about basically taking a break from one another. I don't know, I guess to some degree we broke up. I don't know. It's just one of those confusing times and I felt like we broke up.
“I was really upset. I was crying the whole flight to Hawaii. It was my first time there and everyone was so happy. These people greeted us with these leis and I was just bawling. It was just awful. Anyway, I called him later that night even though I knew that we had broken up, but I wanted to talk, I just didn't really want to accept it. I thought that maybe things could be different and we could work on it.”
I suck in some air and exhale quickly, but it doesn't make the pain of remembering what happened any easier. Sydney waits for me to continue. She doesn't prod any more. She knows that the inevitable is coming, but just not about the details of what that means exactly
.
I smack my lips realizing just how long I've been talking and how dry my mouth has gotten. I take a swig of my tea which is no longer hot, but more like a tepid, room temperature water that tastes like mint.
“I called him and this girl answered. When I asked her who she was or where Mark was, she said that he was in the bathroom.”
"That's it?" Sydney asks. "That's all he did?"
“He called me back later that night a bunch of times, but I was really angry. I was so pissed. Like, who the hell does he think he is? Why is he with her already? Why did he have to ruin this wonderful thing that we had? So, I went out with a bunch of my conference friends, we went out to dinner and then to drinks, at this club, I met a guy.”
"Oh my God."
"Yeah. He was cute and he was a marine. We made out and I don't know, I just took him home with me and we slept together."
"Oh my God. What about that girl that Mark was with?"
"I talked to him finally a couple of days into the conference and he was really sorry. He was so upset. Apparently after we broke up, he went out with a few friends and met her and did the same thing that I’d done."
"Really? Kaitlyn? It's not like you cheated on each other, you were already broken up."
"Yeah, I know, but I don't know. He told me that and I was really hurt. I told him what I did and obviously he was really hurt. We were just both so angry and so prideful, we just called it quits for good. I haven't talked to him since."
"Not at all?"
"Nope, not at all. I've heard about him through some friends. I had Facebook and other social media so I'm sure he could have found out stuff about me like he did. He mentioned that he knew I’d joined the LAPD and I don't know, just general stuff like that. Since he wasn't on social media, I didn't know anything about him. We haven't talked since that breakup. I haven't seen him either, until just today."
We drive for a while. I let that sink in, that whole story of this man that used to mean the world to me and how stupidly it all ended. I know that I was too proud and he was, too, and we were hurt also, but looking back on it, I think about all the years that we missed because of that series of mistakes that we made.
I don't know the man that Mark is now and I'm sure that I have changed a lot, too, but I remember the way that we were together and how much everything made sense. How I had this person with me who supported me no matter what, who was there for me. I know that we weren't together very long. Five months is probably more accurate. Regardless, the time that we had spent together and the depths to which we got to know each other meant a lot.
"So, do you know if he's married or with anybody now?" Sydney asks as we pull up to my mom's house.
I shake my head.
"You don't know anything?"
"No, I don't know anything."
"What about you? Does he know that you're single?"
"Sydney." I turn off the engine and look at her. "Listen, nothing's going to happen. We just ran into each other. We had a good time and maybe it's one of those relationships that shouldn't have ended when it ended, but it's all in the past. It was nice to see him. I wish that I hadn’t looked the way I looked, but yeah. It was nice to see him and I'd like to meet up and catch up with him again, but can we not talk about this anymore? This is ancient history, okay?"
"Okay," she says.
We get out of the car.
6
As soon as my mom opens the door, she throws a smile on her face and reaches out to hug Sydney as tightly as possible.
"Oh, you shouldn't have come, but thank you. Thank you so much for being here."
Sydney has met my mom on a few occasions and I've always known that Mom has a soft spot for her. I'm glad that she's happy to see her.
“Sorry I didn't warn you about bringing anyone.”
"No, don't worry about it. Sydney is welcome here anytime, even when you're not," Mom jokes, but we all know that's only a half truth. "Well, I made dinner, but not for three. I have plenty of food. So, we're all set."
She throws her arms out to the spread that she has laid out on the dining room table.
"Oh, wow. I'm surprised," I say, putting my bag down and taking off my coat. I take Sydney's coat and put it on the peg near the front door where all of the winter gear goes. We take off our shoes while sitting on the bench and tuck them neatly underneath.
The dining room table, which is right to the left of the front door is covered with different plates of food: macaroni and cheese, canned cranberries, a pumpkin pie, Hot Pockets, mushroom and spinach pizza, along with an assortment of breads, banana and pumpkin being the most prominent.
"Mom. Why, why do you have all this food?"
"Well, I realized the last time that you were here, I really should have been a better hostess and mom."
"Come on, what's going on?" I ask.
"I'm just nervous, you know, and I needed to do something. So, I just got a bunch of food and heated it up. I thought that we could have a really extensive meal kind of like Thanksgiving, but not Thanksgiving. You know, just to take our minds off things or to refuel. It's very important to refuel, girls. You two have very busy lives and I want you to take care of yourselves. Work isn't all that there is."
"Yes. I know, Mrs. Carr," Sydney says, waving her left hand demonstratively.
When Mom’s eyes focus on her engagement ring, she lets out a little squeal and rushes over to look at her hand.
"You’re engaged to that nice boy, Patrick Flannery, right, Sydney? Right?"
"Oh my God. You know his name?"
"Yeah. Kaitlyn told me all about him, FBI, right? Very nice."
"Actually, Kaitlyn..." Sydney starts to say as our eyes meet and I shake my head.
I don't know whether she's about to bring up Mark, my ex-boyfriend who my mom is all too well familiar with, or Luke, the FBI agent that I met when I was out with Sydney the last time, but I don't want to talk about either of them.
"Well, all of this food looks wonderful," Sydney says, taking a seat across from me.
Mom sits at the head of the table as usual. I glance down and see that there are even placemats and plates. Mom quickly creates a place for Sydney right across from me.
"You really made all this food just for the two of us?" I ask.
"I wanted to do something nice," she finally says and takes a sip of her wine.
I reach over and pour some wine into my and Sydney's glasses. We all clink and have an unspoken moment of silence for Violet. I swallow hard as I feel tears welling up at the back of my eyes. I know that I have to say something to make the pain go away.
"Thank you for coming Sydney," I say, raising my glass once again. "I really appreciate you supporting both of us during this difficult time. I know that we need all the help that we can get in finding her."
"You will, you will find her," Sydney says, reaching over and giving me a firm squeeze.
"Okay, I need some good news,” Mom says. “Tell me about your engagement."
Sydney smiles and she starts with, "Well, his name is Patrick, but you already know that. He works for the FBI and we met on a case. He had a little bit of a big head and I put him in his place."
"Ooh, I like that," Mom says, giving me a wink. "How long have you been together?"
"About a year."
"How did he ask you to marry him?"
"It was a surprise. I actually didn't see it coming at all."
"Really? What happened?" Mom asks.
"We were walking by Santa Monica pier and he put his arms around me and then told me he loved me. I gave him a kiss. He pulled away and got down on one knee. He said he was going to wait until there was a special moment, but why wait? This was it. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me."
"Oh my God, Sydney. That's amazing. Congratulations." Mom reaches over and squeezes her hand.
I take a few bites of my food and then another sip of wine. Mom licks her lips and looks directly at me,
our eyes meet for a moment and then mine dart away. I stare at the collection of plates hanging on the other side of the dining room. They're collector's items though, with little blue flowers and intricate designs on them. My mom has had them forever and frankly, I don't even remember when she started to collect them. Every few years, a new one pops up. I keep meaning to ask her about it, but I never do.
"Tell me about those plates," I say, trying to change the topic.
"Oh, I'm glad you finally noticed. For a detective you're not particularly observant."
"Ha, ha," I say with a tinge of sarcasm. "You think you're so funny?"
"Well, I started collecting those plates back in the seventies. I got the first one at a thrift store down on Wilcox Avenue and then whenever I find another one, whenever it's part of a set, I get it."
"They're beautiful," Sydney says, even though I know that she's lying. She hates things like this, kitschy and old-fashioned.
“I think they're made in the sixties by a porcelain company, but I can't be too sure. The print on the back is usually worn off.”
I'm about to say something about how if the print is gone, then it's probably not porcelain, but I decide to keep my mouth shut.
"So, what about you, Kaitlyn?" Mom says, taking a bite, putting a large helping of mac and cheese on her plate.
"What about me?"
"Dating anyone new?"
"No."
"I know that things didn't exactly work out with Thomas and I'm sorry about that." Mom knew that we dated for a while, but not all of the details of the breakup. "It would have been nice to meet him."
"Mom, we didn't date long enough for that," I say, grabbing a slice of banana bread.
You’d think that having this convoluted dinner with all the various types of food combinations wouldn't be good, but actually it reminds me a little bit of a buffet I had in Vegas. You pick what you want, and you get to have a lot of bad things all at once. The banana bread is fresh and it practically melts in my mouth.
"Yeah, Thomas wasn't that great, Mrs. Carr," Sydney says, "but this new guy, he's got some potential."
