Theresa says soothingly, “Please, Rose, sit down and wait a bit. Let Hubert tell the next story.” Rose lurches forward from the rear of the coach, almost falling into John the Pastor’s lap as the train slows and judders for a station stop at Kankakee. He gently stops her fall.
Oriel the Hotel Manager comes up behind Rose. “Come on, Rosie, come sit back down and have some water.” She puts her hand on Rose’s elbow. “Girl, after Hubert’s told his story, you can tell a story of your own.”
Theresa says, “That’s right, Rose.”
Rose shrugs Oriel’s hand away. “No! I’m not drunk, and I’m going to tell my story now.”
Theresa sighs and looks at Oriel, resigned, then says, “OK, Rose, if it’s that important to you, go ahead and tell your story.”
Rose
THE WAITRESS’S TALE
(ROSE plants herself unsteadily in the middle of the aisle. The gentle rocking of the train as it leaves the station stop adds to ROSE’S unsteadiness. She reaches out for the back of a nearby seat where ELAINE A TECHIE is sitting. She braces herself using ELAINE’S shoulder. ELAINE looks up from her screen, clearly disgusted, and moves ROSE’S hand so it rests on the back of the seat. ROSE stares down at ELAINE.)
ROSE: Hey, what’s up with that head binding thing?
ELAINE: It’s called a ‘hijab.’ Many Muslim women wear them as a show their faith and of modesty. I wear mine to show my pride in who I am.
ROSE: You should lose it. It just scares people. I been sitting in the back watching. Nobody wants to sit by you, just that Oriental guy.
JACK THE IMMIGRANT MERCHANT: (closes the Business English text on his lap) I am not afraid of her.
THERESA: (standing) Rose, you need to go back to your seat. I will not put up with you insulting your fellow travelers.
ROSE: No! I’ll play nice. I promise. I have to tell you my story to follow Senator Pam’s, um, her story. It comes from my old grandma and involves a Big Man on Campus football player! (Warily, THERESA sits.) Let’s call our hero ‘Nick.’ Nick is dating a girl, let’s see, let’s call her ‘Alison.’ Nick’s a big football hero, the quarterback, a hunk, and Alison’s the head cheerleader, big-bosomed and blonde. Alison does his homework for him, so he can pass his classes and play football. Alison loves Nick because he’s good-looking and popular. Nick loves Alison because she’s stacked and puts out for him. She’s the head cheerleader. She gives him head. (ROSE laughs bitterly.) Get it? The head cheerleader gives Nick head. (She laughs again. JOHN THE PASTOR puts his arm around his wife as they exchange uncomfortable glances.) They have a little hide-away where they go to have sex. Everybody knows about it but they pretend they don’t. They just talk behind Nick and Alison’s back. Ha!
(The coach doors at the rear slide open. THE CONDUCTOR enters, pauses as ROSE speaks, and slips up the aisle. ROSE stops him as he tries to pass her.)
ROSE: Hey, we’re telling stories here. You want to stay and hear my story? There’s an empty seat next to her. (ROSE points to the seat next to ELAINE.) She wears a head thingie, but we decided she’s not dangerous.
THE CONDUCTOR: (smiles and manages to skirt around ROSE.) Thanks, but I have tickets to punch. (He pulls out his punch and clicks it.) Besides, I don’t know of a story I want to tell.
ROSE: Then go punch those tickets and come back and tell us story.
THE CONDUCTOR: I’ll think about it. (The sound of the train magnifies as the doors open at the front of the coach and then subsides as the doors close.)
ROSE: As a football hero, Nick’s popular with all the guys. They all want to be like Nick. Nick throws cool parties with lots of booze. As a football hero, Nick’s popular with the girls, too. They all have a crush on him. Especially Molly. Molly’s an egghead, a smart girl. She takes all the hard classes and aces them. She reads a lot. A lot. She has some lunch friends but she’s really a loner. One year when the Sadie Hawkins Dance came around, Molly decided to ask Nick, even though Molly knew that Nick and Alison were an item. Like can be just a blind as love, you know.
(ROSE, somber, pauses. GITA THE COOK has pulled out a traveling sketch pad. In the silence, I can hear her pencil rubbing against her sketchpad. RENE/E THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN is playing bourré on her phone.)
She asked Nick to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, anyway. Nick said no, but at the next party, after all the guys were wasted, Nick told his best friend, Abner, that Molly’d asked him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Abner hooted. He yelled to the guys that Egghead Molly had asked Nick to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. He dared Nick to go with her, dared him to try and get some—(THERESA clears her throat and begins to rise)—in her pants! Abner added that Molly was desperate, easy. Nick protested he couldn’t do that. He had to go with Alison. Abner goaded Nick, ‘But it’s Sadie Hawkins, man. Girls ask guys. Alison would understand since Molly asked first.’ Then Abner made a bet. If Nick went to the dance with Molly, and got some—um, in her pants—the guys would moon the lunch monitors. The guys all wooped. Nick asked how’d they know. One guy told Nick to get the ring, the big funky ring that Molly wore as proof.
ELAINE: (adjusting her hijab) What dickheads.
ROSE: (glaring at ELAINE) You watch your language, missy or Theresa will make you leave. So, Nick couldn’t pass up the bet and agreed to go with Molly. He told Alison that Molly’d asked him first, and even though he loved Alison he had to go to the dance with Molly. But he didn’t tell her about the bet. Ha! He promised Allison he wouldn’t stay long, not long, just long enough to be seen, and then he’d come get her, and they would go out. Alison wasn’t too happy, but there wasn’t much she could do.
The night of the dance, Molly picked up Nick, since girls ask guys to Sadie Hawkins. She was star-struck. Couldn’t believe her luck. Nick tried to get some conversation going, but she was too nervous to do much other than giggle. They didn’t stay at the dance long, not long. Nick told Molly they should leave and he should drive her parents’ car. Then, he began sipping from a flask. Ha! He offered some to Molly, but she said no, getting more nervous. Then he took a different route home, and Molly got even more nervous. She asked where they were going. He said he knew a little place he wanted to show her. He knew she liked nature and wanted to show her a special place where they could look at the stars.
(ROSE hesitates and looks out the window, shaking her head slightly as if she were trying to count the streetlights as they flashed by.)
Finally, he parked at a spot down by the river. He coaxed her out of the car and pointed up at the stars. He’d noticed a blanket in the back, which he spread on the ground sort of like a magician does when he’s doing a magic trick. They looked at some constellations, and she began to relax a little. Maybe he really liked her, after all. He admired her ring and asked if he could wear it. Proudly, she took it off and handed it to him. He put it on his pinkie and held out his hand to admire the ring. Then, he turned to her and started kissing her. She tried to shrug away, but he held her tight. She froze. Nick kept kissing Molly and got her on her back. His size and strength made it impossible for Molly to get away. She did not kiss him back and tried to turn her head away. ‘You know you want it,’ he murmured. She began to weep softly. ‘I promise I won’t hurt you,’ he cooed. He lifted up her skirt and pulled down her panties. She cried out, ‘No, please don’t! You’re hurting me. Please stop!’ But Nick was a man on a mission. She cried out in pain as he accomplished his mission. She went limp and he stayed on top of her. Propping up on his elbows he said, ‘See, that wasn’t too bad, was it?’
SANDRA THE SENATOR’S DAUGHTER: Oh, my God. (Other than the sound of the wheels lub-dubbing on the track like a heartbeat, the travelers sit in stunned silence.)
ROSE: When they got up, Nick noted that the blanket was a mess. He said they would throw it in a dumpster somewhere on the way home. Then, he drove to Alison’s house. He got out and said he would see her around. He told Alison that he had a miserable time. At their next party, he bragged to the guys about his conquest, showing o
ff the ring. As promised, the guys mooned the lunch monitor, who had the presence of mind to whack a few bare butts with her clipboard. Three months later, both Alison and Molly told Nick that they were pregnant. Molly was too mortified by the circumstances to confide in anyone. As hard as her parents and school counselors tried, she would not reveal the identity of the baby’s father. Everyone assumed that Nick was the father of Alison’s child. (ROSE pauses a beat.) Now I have the $64,000 question for you. Guess who Nick marries? (The rhythmic click of train wheels on rails echoes through the silence.)
BELLA THE ACADEMIC: The one who found out first?
ROSE: (cackling) No. Neither! Ha! Nick’s a big football star. His future can’t be ambushed by a premature marriage. After Alison told him she was pregnant, he broke up with her. Alison, the pretty, popular girl had an abortion. Ha! Of course, she had to quit the cheering squad. After high school, she married well and got fat. Molly went away somewhere, had the baby, and gave it up for adoption. No one kept up with her. She just disappeared. Poof! (At this point, ROSE is laughing hysterically.) He doesn’t marry either one! And no one lives happily ever after. (ORIEL has risen from her seat at the back and begun moving forward.) And the ugly, unpopular girl who had a crush on the big football star spends her life alone as a bitter …
(ORIEL reaches ROSE and slaps her across the face. ROSE buries her face in her hands and sobs. THERESA and SENATOR PAM both rise, but ORIEL puts her arm around ROSE, shakes her head at THERESA and SENATOR PAM, and leads ROSE to her seat at the back of the coach. JOYCE THE EVANGELIST’S WIFE, seated in the row in front of them, hands ORIEL a tissue. ROSE continues sobbing and then starts hiccupping. DWIGHT THE LAY MINISTER blasts the clarion complaint of a traffic jam into his handkerchief. SENATOR PAM cranes around in her seat to look at him.)
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset anyone,” she weeps. Oriel digs around in Rose’s bag and finds a flask, which she opens and hands to Rose. Rose takes a swig, closes her eyes, and leans her head back against the headrest. Oriel closes up the flask and puts it away.
Theresa stands up and clears her throat. “Well, OK.” She clears her throat again. “Um, let’s see, Hubert?”
Oriel returns to the middle of the car. “No, not Hubert yet, please. It’s my turn to tell a story.” She runs her left hand over her sheep’s wool Afro. “I want to apologize for Rose’s inappropriate behavior. In my job as a hotel manager, I must make sure that my guests are comfortable, and I feel I must make up to you for this unpleasantness.”
Ruth the Doctor’s Wife says, “I didn’t find it offensive so much as sad.”
“Yes, poor Molly,” adds Gita the Cook, readjusting her sari over her shoulder.
“Describe it however you wish, but I think we could do with a less disturbing story right now. I know a story that I think will to make up for Rose’s distressing one.”
Theresa looks at Oriel. Oriel holds Theresa’s gaze and nods her head. Theresa says, “Well, OK, but please make sure that it’s pleasant,” and sits down.
Oriel
THE HOTEL MANAGER’S TALE
ORIEL: As most of you know, I manage a hotel, the Tabard Inn, in the Chicago suburbs, a job I’ve held with distinction for many years. Never has a situation occurred that I couldn’t resolve. On one occasion, a guest realized that someone in the next room had planted a camera and was spying. Fortunately, this pervert had gotten his rooms mixed up. He thought he was next to a sexy celebrity, but it turned out he was next to two Sumo wrestlers. (The travelers all chuckle.) Another time, some guests kept hearing strange noises coming from the room next to them. Finally, they called the front desk. I went into the room to find two pet chimpanzees unattended. The owners had gone out for what they intended to be a brief trip to the supermarket only to get delayed by a circus parade—true story!
RENE/E THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN: Too bad the pervert with the hidden cameras didn’t get a room next to the chimps. (Again, everyone chuckles.)
ORIEL: But one of my favorite situations is this one. Several years ago, two brothers, John and Alan Harder, checked in at the Tabard. They were recent college graduates who had created their own craft bourbon, Bayard Bourbon, and were traveling around giving tastings and selling their product. Earlier that day, the men had been at the Quicker Liquor store, a small mom-and-pop shop in a small town over an hour away, for a tasting and sales call. The owner, Vincent Quicker, had developed the nickname ‘Quick Vic.’ Quick Vic had a quick wit. He was known for jokes such as candy is dandy but liquor is quicker, especially from Quicker Liquor. When making a large sale to younger customers, after checking ID he was known to ask, ‘How do you hold your liquor?’ After a pause, he would blurt out, ‘I hold my liquor by the ears!’
THERESA: (starting to rise) Um.
(ORIEL grins and winks at THERESA, who sinks back in her seat.)
ORIEL: Hey, Quick Vic was a crude man. What can I say? However, Quick Vic was also known for pulling fast ones when it came to wholesale liquor sales. Generally, liquor salesmen were always short on inventory when they left Quicker Liquors, but no one could catch Quick Vic stealing anything. Mrs. Quicker and their 20-year-old daughter, Malina, helped out at the shop. On this trip, John and Alan had hoped finally to catch Quick Vic thieving. One paid attention to the tasting while the other closely monitored Quick Vic’s every move. At one point, Quick Vic visited the small bathroom. After a period of time, he emerged, making some comment about the length of time it took to move his bowels. Shoot, now, you know I’m telling y’all the truth.
About that time, Malina showed up at the store to relieve her mother at the cash register. She greeted the two salesmen, informing them that as she came in, she noticed that their car had a flat tire. The men asked Malina to oversee the tasting table while they attended to the tire. Later, when they packed up, even though the paperwork added up, they were positive that they were missing a few bottles of bourbon. The two drove on to the outskirts of Chicago where they made arrangements to get their tire fixed and checked into the Tabard where they landed at the bar, grousing about their ill fortune.
DONNA THE NARRTOR: Are you sure this is true? It sound a lot like Chaucer’s Reeve’s Tale with a liquor store owner stealing bourbon instead of a miller stealing grain. (A few fellow travelers glare at me. ORIEL ignores me.)
ORIEL: Not long after their arrival, who checked in but the Quicker family, on their way to a wholesale distributor’s conference. The three Quickers ended up at the bar, too, where Quick Vic, seemingly pleased with himself, offered to buy John and Alan a drink. At their end of the bar, the two brothers conferred. Revenge is a dish best served cold, but strike while the iron is hot, they reasoned. They enlisted the bartender—who found Quick Vic a pompous braggart—into their plan and then accepted the drinks. In turn, they sent two drinks back to Quick Vic who then sent two drinks each to John and Alan, saying if it’s a drinking contest they wanted, he could outdrink those two upstarts. Little did he know that the bartender had agreed to set Quick Vic up with doubles while watering down John’s and Alan’s drinks.
(HUBERT THE BISHOP nudges SEAN THE DEACON and whispers something. SEAN roots around under the seat in front of him, pulls out a bottle of wine, and refreshes HUBERT’S drink.)
Long story short, before too long Quick Vic was drunk as a skunk. His wife needed help getting her drunken husband to their room, and John agreed to help her. In this process, John noticed that Mrs. Quicker was quite a looker. When he returned to the bar to celebrate their victory, Alan and Malina had become quite cozy and soon headed off to Alan and John’s room to ‘talk business.’ John, alone at the bar, bemoaned his fate to the bartender. He had no desire to return to those college dorm situations with imaginary curtains around beds. In the same room as Alan and Malina, he would spend a sleepless night stewing in self-pity, while they did what they did. The bartender suggested that he get a room of his own. John liked that suggestion and mentioned that it sure would be nice to get the attractive M
rs. Quicker to join him in his room since Alan and Malina had hit it off and Quick Vic was clearly down for the count. The bartender had an idea. The desk clerk agreed to help. Believe it or not, I’m telling y’all the truth, Donna.
DONNA THE NARRATOR: My mother used to say, ‘What goes around comes around.’
ORIEL: Meanwhile, Mrs. Quicker became worried when Malina didn’t return to their room and went to the front desk to inquire as to her possible whereabouts, which made John and the bartender’s plan work even better. The desk clerk told her that Malina had just decided to get a room of her own so she wouldn’t bother her drunken father and asked the clerk to give Mrs. Quicker a key to her room if the mother came looking for the daughter. Mrs. Quicker thanked the clerk and headed to what she supposed was Malina’s room, quietly letting herself in.
The night passed. Malina decided she should return to her parents’ room, expecting her mother to let her in. Instead, after she knocked for several minutes, her very hungover father stumbled to the door. Quite surprised, Malina asked where her mother was. Quick Vic—not so quick now—realized that his wife was not in the room. He stormed to the front desk and demanded to know the whereabouts of his wife. ‘Where’d you leave her?’ asked the desk clerk. Quick Vic was not amused. The desk clerk tried to calm the blustery husband. He said Quick Vic should go back to his room the desk clerk would make a few calls. Then, he discreetly called John’s room. A few minutes later, the desk clerk saw Mrs. Quicker head to the coffee urns and then to the Quickers’ room. Not long after Quick Vic returned to his room, Mrs. Quicker knocked on the door. Quick Vic answered and berated her for being gone. She handed him a cup of coffee and said she had gone for coffee knowing that he would need a lot of it to ease his aching head. Quick Vic was too confused and hungover to make much sense of anything, so he accepted the coffee and didn’t ask questions although he was sure he had been wronged somehow.
The Graceland Tales Page 6
