I parked my bike, then walked over to the man who had provided the seed that gave me life. He didn’t say anything, just motioned for me to follow him. I walked through a room that reeked of cigarette smoke, sex and booze. He didn’t stop at one of the empty tables in their main room, instead he headed down a hallway and stopped in front of a door. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, reached in, flipped a switch and the lights came on.
“Go on in, I’ll grab us a couple beers. Feel like I’m gonna need it.”
I lifted my chin as he turned and walked back down the hallway. I walked into what was his office. I took a chair in front of his desk and waited for him to come back. As I looked around the room, I spotted four pictures in frames. They all favored him. It hit me that I was looking at my half siblings. I had three brothers and another sister. My mind couldn’t even process the thought.
Ryker walked back in the room with several beers in his hand and a bottle of Jack. He sat them down on his desk, turned back to the door, locked it, then went behind his desk and sat down. He opened a drawer on his desk, pulled out a shot class, poured it full of Jack and knocked it back. He did that four times before finally releasing a long breath, then he looked at me. I saw in his eyes something that I had been seeing in mine for the last few months. Pain.
“I know you have more questions but, first, can you tell me exactly what Deb told you?”
I sighed. I was about to get started when he spoke.
“Before you start let me tell you something,” he said as he pulled out his wallet and took a picture out of it.
He handed it to me and I looked down into the face of my twenty-year-old mom. After studying it for a minute, I gave it back to him. He’d always kept a picture of Mom.
“The first time I saw your mom I fell for her hard and fast. I didn’t have any right. I had an Old Lady. That didn’t stop it from happening though. If I could have taken her back with me that first year I would have. I couldn’t. She would have been fair game for the guys and I couldn’t have handled that, I’d have killed any man who touched her.”
He paused a minute then asked in a voice ravaged by emotion, “Is she okay? Is she doing good? Is she with someone? I know you said you had a sister, do you have other siblings?”
“Mom’s good. She’s a nanny. Right now, she works on the compound taking care of three children. I only have one sister.”
“Compound?” his rough voice asked me quizzically.
“Yeah, Angel’s Rebellions compound.”
“She lives on a biker compound?” his voice filled with astonishment.
“She hasn’t always but, yeah, she is now.”
“I always thought she was the perfect woman for an Old Lady.” He grabbed a beer, opened it and took a long drink. “You didn’t answer my other question.”
“No, she’s not with anyone.”
I could tell he was wanting to ask. He wanted to know if she was in between men.
“Mom hasn’t been with any man that I know of my entire life. If she’s had sex, she’s done it away from my sister and me. She never brought one man home.”
His head dropped at my words. He pressed his fingers to his eyes. I’d seen Viper do that. He did it when something was hitting him hard emotionally. He finally lifted his head and blindly brought his beer to his mouth and downed it. Then I saw the exact moment it hit him.
“How old is your sister?” he breathed out.
“One year younger than me.”
He swallowed hard. “She’s mine?”
I nodded.
He dropped his head in his hands. He never made a sound, but I watched his shoulders shake. When he had himself under control again. He reached for the bottle of Jack. He didn’t even try to pour a glass this time. He just drank from the bottle.
“What did your mom tell you about me?”
“She wouldn’t tell me anything until almost three months ago. When I finally got her to tell me, she said she’d always kept it from me because she’d been trying to protect me. She told me how y’all met, how she had fallen for you, then how her heart had been broken when you didn’t ask her to go with you at the end of the first rally. She said she’d only gone to the second rally to see if she could find you. Said she wanted to tell you about me.
“She said she wasn’t sure why she didn’t tell you about me at first.”
“Hell, she never had the chance. We stayed in bed for two days solid, if we weren’t fucking we were sleeping.”
I grimaced. That was a hell of a thing to hear about your mom. Ryker laughed at my expression.
“You’re a grown ass man, you know how babies are made.”
Pain raced through me at his words. I sucked in a deep breath trying to keep from moaning in agony.
“Hit a nerve.”
“Yeah,” I said hoarsely.
“You want to talk about it?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t, not right now.
He nodded.
“You pretty much know the rest, your Old Lady told her that shit, she said when she went outside you didn’t say anything to her, just sent her away.”
“I couldn’t say anything to her, not with Layla and King, who was her father and is my Prez, standing there. I had one of my Brothers carry her to town and drop her off. I thought I would be able to find her so I could talk to her. I’d already decided I didn’t want the Presidency bad enough to be without your mom.
“I had planned to let everyone know that I was giving up my claim to Layla. When she showed up, I started to stop her from going into the tent. I think my Prez realized that I was going to let his daughter go and he asked me if I was ready to lose my cut. I hesitated, and that cost me your mom.”
I looked at him curiously. “Would you do anything different if you were given a do over?”
“Fuck, yes I would. I should have let everyone know at the first rally I was giving up Layla and I would have claimed your mom.”
I felt something settle in me. Like the final missing piece had been found. I felt whole, complete. Something I hadn’t ever felt before.
“This has ridden you hard over the years, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah. Mom wouldn’t ever explain it. That started the demon whispering. Then a kid at school said something one day and the demon came to life with a vengeance. He’s had a hold of me ever since.”
“Afraid you got that from me, son.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve suffered from demons my entire life. My dad was the same way.”
“How have you managed to deal with it all?”
“At first I fought it, probably like you’ve tried to do. Never really worked well. After losing Deb, then finding out that bitch had killed four of my children, I hit bottom pretty hard. Stay drunk pretty much the next two years. The demons had a hold of me fierce. With a lot of help from Brawn, I managed to start coming out of it. Knew I had to do something to keep from losing my mind. Went to a doc, started taking meds. I still take meds.”
“They help keep the demons quiet all the time?”
“Not always, but the meds help me deal with it better.”
Hell. If I had known all of this before now, maybe I wouldn’t have fought so hard against the thought of going to a doc and taking medication. This was something I knew I needed to think about more.
“Son, no shame in having to take meds to help you out. Remember that.”
I lifted my chin at him.
“Bane, what’s your given name?”
“Chad Paxton James.”
I saw his throat work.
“My name is Paxton Lee Chadwick.”
Mom had named both of us after Ryker. She’d still cared for him even after what she had been told.
“My sister’s name is Leigh.”
I watched as he reached up and rubbed his chest.
“You ain’t having a heart attack on me are you?” I inquired.
“Nah, son. This shit is just causing my heart
to ache.”
“You must have taken an Old Lady again if you have four kids.”
“No, I’ve never taken another Old Lady. After losing Deb, I never found anyone else I wanted to be with.”
He laughed at my expression, I was trying to figure out how the hell he had managed to have four kids then. Did he just randomly fuck women trying to make them pregnant?
“I was raised in the MC. My dad never took an Old Lady. I was the product of a club whore trying to trap my old man. I never had siblings. That is something I always wanted. I swore I’d have a ton of kids when I got older. After everything that happened with Deb and Layla, I decided I was having my kids, just doing it a little unconventionally.
“Tor, my oldest son, hell he isn’t the oldest now, anyway his mom was a club whore. I offered her ten thousand dollars to carry my child. She had to sign paperwork giving up her rights to him. She got five thousand up front and five thousand when he was born. I didn’t keep her from him, she was allowed to see him, but she really didn’t care to. She ended up OD’ing when he was four.
“Same deal with my daughter Bronte’s mom. She decided one day she was through with being a club whore, moved out of state where no one knew her background. She ended up getting married and having kids. She didn’t want anything to do with Bronte once she left. She didn’t want to be associated with the club.
“My youngest two have the same mom. She was a girl that was a house mouse. She took care of Tor and Bronte. She was good with them. When Bronte was two, I offered the same deal to her. She bore me two sons. Taron and Raiden.”
“You weren’t worried about them taking your money or trying to renege on the deal?”
“Nah, son. They knew I’d kill them if they did that.”
He lived a rougher life that I have yet, for all that, I could tell he loved his kids. That’s what makes the man, how he loves his family.
He continued, “Trina’s still in all the kids’ lives.”
“You didn’t keep her?”
“Slept with her to get the kids, but that’s it.”
“Where’s she live?’
He sighed. “She still lives with me. I haven’t touched her since she got pregnant with Raiden. Told you I didn’t want any other woman after Deb.”
He looked at me hard.
“You’re doubting me. Bane, I’ve fucked a lot of women. That’s all its been too, fucking. I never come across another woman who drew me in like Deb did.”
I nodded. I could get it. Once Kenzie was in my life, I didn't even notice other women other than in passing.
He started to speak, coughed like he needed to clear his throat that had become clogged with emotion again, then asked, “You think your sister will ever want to meet me?”
“I don’t know. She was never curious about you the way I was. I wanted to know all about you.”
He sighed heavily and grimaced. Mom had been told wrong, yet I couldn’t put this off on her because she had been young and Ryker hadn’t stood up for her.
“Bane, what do you do, where do you work? Would you be interested in joining the club?”
I laughed and shook my head.
“I’m a welder by trade and I’m already a member of an MC, have been for over eight years. Angel’s Rebellion.”
“Out of where?”
“Arkansas.”
“Christ. So far away,” he muttered. He looked at me uncertainly before he asked, “You gonna stay for a while?”
Hell, he wanted me here. He wanted to get to know me as much as I wanted to get to know him. I was fucking grown ass man, yet, I felt like I had just won the lottery. I was beyond happy knowing that Ryker wanted to get to know me.
“Might stay for a day or two.”
“You heading home afterwards?”
“Thinking I might. Gonna be hard though.”
“Why’s that, son?”
Jesus, if hearing him call me son didn’t do something to me.
“Found out my girl was pregnant. Demon rode me hard, had me all messed up. He started talking. Telling me I wasn’t good father material. I didn’t know where I came from, what type of genes I was carrying. Made me doubt that I would be good for my kid. I did something I can’t come back from in my girl’s eyes. Went nomad for a while. Left my girl for my cousin to take and be a dad to my child.
“Spent the last two and a half months hold up in a room, having a breakdown.”
I watched this man who was my dad swallow repeatedly, struggling to contain his emotions. He had demons too and he fought them. Something I was going to learn to do, even if I had to take medicine to help me. I had to if I wanted a life.
“We fucked you up pretty bad, didn’t we? I’m so damn sorry for that. Would give anything if it hadn’t been that way.”
I sighed. “It is what it is, Ryker.”
He was quiet for a moment as he contemplated something.
“You just tell me I’m gonna be a grandpa?”
I grinned at him. “Believe I did.”
“Fuck, boy. I ain’t old enough to be a grandpa.”
“How old are you?”
“Fifty-three.”
I laughed. “Get used to it old man.”
“Fuck that shit,” he grumbled but he was smiling as he said it.
“Want you to meet your brothers and sister.”
“I’d like that.”
That is what I did for the next two days. I got to know my dad and my siblings. I spent hours talking to Dad. The more we talked, the more I learned just how much like him I was. We had so much in common. Little things, we both liked to wear our hair long, we both liked to work with our hands, we both had a friend who we had grown up with that had always had our back. I told him all about Eagle and he told me about Brawn. I’d broken down last night and told him about Kenzie. I told him the entire story of what had happened.
We talked about our demons and after hearing all my fears of being a good dad, Ryker had managed to ease my mind on that front. Watching him had let me see what a good Dad he was, all four of my siblings showed how much they loved him and looked up to him. He had let me know that even his old man had been a good father. It fucking hurt bad knowing all this. I had given up Kenzie and my child for nothing.
~***~
Chapter 32
Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves - we find it with another.
~Thomas Merton~
Bane
June 12th, 1999
I was sitting on the porch of Dad’s house looking out over the James River. I was thinking about the past two days and everything that had happened. I’d met my siblings. I would have thought they would have resented me. They hadn’t. They were happy to get to meet me.
The oldest, Tor, was a member of Hell’s Retribution. At first he’d been a little more reserved, but he had lightened up after hearing Ryker tell the kids the story of what happened between my mom and him. I could see me and Leigh in each of them. It was uncanny how all of us took after Ryker.
I’d met Taron and Raiden’s mom. She seemed to be a nice lady. When Ryker told me she lived in his house, I’d had doubts about the fact she was living with him without there being feelings between her and him. It had been obvious right off the bat there was nothing going on between them. When she’d left to spend a few days with her boyfriend, I knew for sure he had told the truth.
He’d been upfront with me about everything. I could be wrong thinking he hadn’t lied to me about any of what he told me yet, listening to the kids and watching how they all interacted, I didn’t think I was. I could see the love between them all. In a way I felt like I was on the outside looking in. However, whenever I started to feel like that, I swear Ryker knew and he made it a point to include me or let me know how thankful he was to have me in his life.
A part of me had wanted to cry when he asked me if I would consider letting him stay a part of his life. The child in me was overjoyed. The man in me was happy to get to
know his dad.
I wasn’t sure how Mom would take all this. I hoped she would be okay, I guess I would find out when we talked. One thing I knew for certain, I was keeping Ryker in my life.
I’d been thinking more and more that I needed to go home. Something was pulling me hard.
I knew it was Kenzie and I had to keep reminding myself that I had lost her. I had destroyed what had been between us. I prayed to God I’d be able to handle seeing her and Eagle together as a couple. I was pretty sure that would end up being one of the hardest things I’d ever do. I hoped it didn’t send me back into the dark place that had held me hostage for two and a half months.
I couldn’t get Kenzie off my mind. I could picture her beautiful face so clearly. Her long waist-length, wavy red hair that I loved to feel brushing my body. Her cute heart shaped face with arched eyebrows over big, gorgeous emerald green eyes. Her cute button-shaped nose that rested over the most luscious plump lips I’d ever seen. Lips that had brought me to my knees on more than one occasion. Fuck, how I’d loved to kiss her high cheekbones down her sharp jawline to her slightly pointed chin. I groaned. Damn, I missed her. I missed everything about her.
She wasn’t much bigger than a sprite, barely five feet four inches tall. Although she would argue and say there was no barely to it. I missed the feel of her delectable tits that were the perfect size to fill my palms. Her tiny fucking waist that I could span with my hands that led down to the sexiest heart shaped ass I’d ever seen. I’d traced her flat stomach with my lips numerous times as I made my way to my own personal slice of heaven.
I breathed deep. God, I swear I could smell her. I fucking missed and needed her and it was torturing me that I had given her away. How was I going to live with that? How? I had to find a way, I wasn’t sure how, but I wanted to be there for my child and to show Kenzie my support. I wouldn’t ever stop loving her. She was my ride or die. She always would be.
Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7) Page 29
