Jordyn blinked back tears that appeared out of nowhere. “I did actually try...that night before I left.” She looked down at her idle hands. “But you told me to ‘just go.’ You said you didn’t really care one way or the other.”
“No!” Chad shook his head. “I mean, well...maybe I did.” He rubbed his hand over his chin in agitation. “I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, and you turned around and told me you were leaving. How was I supposed to feel?”
“I never meant to hurt you.” Jordyn gave up on trying to stop the tears. “They told me I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even my own parents. I still intended to tell you...I knew I could trust you.” Her voice turned to a whisper. “But you didn’t want to hear it.”
She watched Chad close his eyes, as if the memories replaying in his mind were too painful to recall.
Jordyn looked down at her boots, and blinked to keep her tears at bay. How many times had she wanted to pick up the phone and call him...tell him everything? Not being able to talk to her best friend in the world was the hardest part about the last ten years. There had never been a day that she hadn’t thought of him, or a night she hadn’t dreamed of him. She’d told herself he didn’t care, and even convinced herself that he’d move on. But her memories and her feelings for him had never lessened, and neither had the physical pain. The man in front of her hadn’t just broken her heart—he’d left it torn and mangled.
Glancing over at him, Jordyn could see she wasn’t the only one who’d been hurting. But it was Christmas Eve. Instead of focusing on the negative things, she decided to change the subject. “What brought you back? I mean, to the ranch?”
He shrugged and his jaw tightened. “The same thing that brought you back, I guess. It’s home.” He stood and gathered a few small limbs from a pile before tossing them onto the fire. “I wouldn’t know where else I could go. This place is helping me to heal.”
Jordyn couldn’t believe he was expressing his feelings so openly. It wasn’t like Chad. “I know what you mean,” she said, glad to have found a subject they could both agree upon. “It’s the horses. Open air. Sky that goes on forever. Maybe we should bottle it, so that others can heal too.” Jordyn attempted to lighten the mood with her joke, but his face only grew more serious.
“Do you think your mother would be open to that?” He stood by the fire, his large frame appearing like a massive silhouette.
Jordyn glanced up at him. “What? Bottling up the qualities of the ranch?”
“No.” He looked down as if losing his nerve. “Not exactly. But sharing it more...with people who need to heal.”
Jordyn understood what he meant now and could sense the emotion in his appeal. The look on his face was one of brokenness and survival...and utter unwavering determination.
“I mean maybe during one of the slow months, just open it up to veterans. Like you said, the horses, open air, sky that goes on forever...It could help a lot of people who are hurting.”
Jordyn nodded. “I think Mom would love the idea.” She paused and looked up at him. “That is if you’re staying and will help manage it.”
He glanced over his shoulder at her. “Like I said, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
Both of them remained silent a moment, staring at the mesmerizing flames of the fire. How many times had they done this together? No talking. Just comfortable being in each other’s company. One of their favorite past times had been going for a ride, then lying on a blanket and staring at the endless expanse of nighttime sky that seemed to shimmer and shine. It was like gazing upon eternity.
Jordyn glanced over at him as he sat down beside her again. She found his nearness comforting and his calm demeaner reassuring. He was as familiar as moonlight to her and as beloved as the stars.
“It’s really strange, isn’t it?” he said.
“What is?”
“That we both ended up in that hellhole called Terra Gardez.” He spoke as if to the night, but then turned his head and gazed down at her. “When did you find out I was there?”
Jordyn saw an unspoken pain alive and burning in his eyes, and knew hers probably reflected a similar agony. “Months later. It took me a while to recover, but I wanted to know what happened. I saw your name mentioned in the after-action report, that’s all.” She clenched her jaw to kill the sob, trying to keep her composure as memories assaulted her. “I didn’t remember any of it for a long time, but bits and pieces come back to me every now and then.”
They both left it at that. Neither one of them wanted to talk about that day that had led to the loss of one of their own. Each of them had to deal with the demons that still raised their heads when least expected.
“So you knew what I was doing all along, even though I didn’t have any idea about you.” He said the words thoughtfully, not in a condemning way.
“No one knew what I was doing,” Jordyn replied as she thought about all the years she’d spent gathering and analyzing intelligence in foreign countries.
“I assumed you were still in the service. I didn’t know you were back in the states until I saw you...here.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, partly to control her regret and partly to hide her pain. “What was I supposed to do? Call you up and say, thanks for rescuing me? And by the way, sorry about your buddy.”
“That wasn’t your fault.” He looked at her closely as if just realizing how much the memory affected her.
“Really?” She struggled to keep her voice from wavering. “Because if I had died on that chopper with everyone else, he’d still be alive, wouldn’t he?”
She pushed herself off the bench and started to walk away, not liking where her thoughts were taking her.
“Wait.” His voice was gentle but as unrelenting as an iron band.
Jordyn stopped but didn’t turn around. She felt the snow lashing her face, propelled now by a strong north wind.
“I’m sorry I brought it up. I think we both need to put that day behind us.” Chad moved to stand in front of her. He swept his hand across her cheek to remove the moisture there. “And maybe it’s even time to start over...Completely.”
Someone turned up the outside loudspeaker just then as Bing Crosby’s deep voice filled the air with, I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Chad looked up at the sky and smiled. “He’s got that right.”
Both of them knew why someone had increased the volume. It was her father’s favorite song, and brought with it a wave of memories that made Jordyn unsure whether she wanted to laugh or cry.
“Just like the ones I used to know...” As the crooner’s voice sang the words, Chad reached for Jordon and gazed into her eyes. “Too bad we can’t go back in time. We had some good Christmases, didn’t we?”
A flood of memories and emotions surged through Jordyn’s mind, making her unable to speak. Instead she stepped into his strong embrace and laid her head on his chest, listening to the familiar steady beating of his heart against her racing one as they swayed with the music. It would be nice to go back, even for just one day...To be that young naive teen who was so head-over-heels in love. Back in time to hear her father’s hearty laughter and get to talk to him again.
But when Jordyn thought about how much things had changed since those days her heart skipped a beat. She found herself holding on even tighter. She didn’t want to go back in time. She wanted to live for the moment, and she didn’t want this moment to end.
“Tell me something, Jordyn,” Chad said as the final notes of the song hung in the air.
“Sure.” Jordyn had already told him all her secrets. She had no idea what else he wanted to know.
“Are you going to leave again?”
Jordyn slowly raised her head and gazed into his deep blue eyes. It only took a glance to find the answer she’d been seeking all along. Why had it taken so long to figure out that this was where she was supposed to be?
Home.
“No. I’m staying...” She paused and took a deep breath. “And
I hope you are too.”
For a long span of time, Chad said nothing. Then he bent down and lightly brushed his lips against hers, so gently and so tenderly, Jordyn barely knew it had happened.
“Sorry. There’s something I need to go take care of.” Chad released her without another word, and left her standing in the snow...alone.
Chapter 21
May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
– Anonymous
Jordyn headed toward the chapel along with the flow of guests for a short candlelight service. Sitting with her mother she gazed around at all the flickering candles, all united on this night in honoring the birth of Jesus. As the guests sang her favorite Christmas hymn, O Holy Night, Jordyn had to blink back tears. Everything about it was almost perfect. The only thing missing was Chad.
She glanced over her shoulder a few times to see if he’d come in the back, but there was no sign of his tall form anywhere in the church.
After the service she went back to the Lodge and went through the motions of helping to clean up, trying to pretend that her heart wasn’t breaking all over again. Had she said something wrong? Why had Chad left so abruptly? Had he really kissed her? Or had she just imagined it? For a few moments tonight, her heart had soared and it felt like everything was falling into place. But now she was right back where she started.
One by one the volunteers finished up and departed, leaving just Jordyn and her mother to finish up. When the sleigh bells chimed on the opening door, Jordyn jerked her head around so fast she hurt her neck.
It wasn’t Chad. It was a young couple—happy and in love—coming back to retrieve a purse that had been left.
“That’s enough honey,” her mother said to her after they’d gone. “We can finish the rest in the morning.”
Jordyn nodded. “I’m coming. Just have to grab my coat. I’ll turn out the lights.”
Taking her time in the hopes that Chad would miraculously appear, Jordyn finally took one last look at the empty room and turned off the light. Another Christmas Gala had passed and hundreds of new Christmas memories had been made. She should have felt a sense of elation that she’d helped contribute to the feat, but she mostly just felt empty.
The wind and the snow assaulted her as soon as she opened the door, but she enjoyed its wintry bite. The forecasters had obviously been wrong about getting just a dusting. A few inches already lay on the ground and the storm showed no sign of easing.
As Jordyn traipsed toward the house, she tried to purge her gloomy thoughts by reminding herself how lucky she was. How many people got to experience the wonders of Christmas with so many loving people? And how many got to experience the delightful sight of snow on Christmas Eve—and then go to bed and enjoy the charming isolation of a warm cozy ranch house?
And then she thought of the birth of Baby Jesus and the joyous celebrations taking place all over the world on this sacred night. Before she knew it, her heart was soaring with a sensation of warmth and peace.
Jordyn stopped and looked around to get her bearings and was surprised at how little headway she’d made. The depth of the snow made it difficult to walk and the darkness of the night made it difficult to see. As if on cue, she thought she heard sleigh bells drift to her from out of the inky blackness. Can’t be. She looked at her phone. It was well past one o’clock in the morning. Everyone was snug in their cabins. Was she imagining the sound? Or was it a message from her father, coming from Heaven? Maybe it was just a ranch hand out on a late-night ride. She smiled at the thought that children lying wide-awake in bed would tell their parents in the morning that they had heard sleigh bells during the night. Maybe she and her mother should make that a new tradition.
But she soon found out that it wasn’t a figment of her imagination. Two large horses appeared, causing her to take a step back to get out of their path. In the sleigh, hauling on the reins, sat Chad with a large smile on his face. “Sorry. I can’t see the road anymore.”
“What are you doing?” Jordyn looked up, more surprised than alarmed. “Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes. It’s time for you to get in.” He patted the seat. “It’s Christmas.”
“What are you—” Jordyn didn’t even bother to finish the question. She jumped into the seat beside him, and was jerked back as the team took off at a steady trot. They seemed to be invigorated by the snow swirling and tumbling in every direction. The kaleidoscope of white made Jordyn dizzy, but it didn’t seem to faze Chad in the least.
Over the snow they glided, sometimes under the tunneling branches of trees, sometimes across wide open fields. Snowflakes clung to her eye lashes and stung her cheeks, but Jordyn barely noticed.
Surrounded by the darkness and the swirling maze of white everything seemed enchanted, like she was part of a fairytale. She smiled as she thought of her father. No, it wasn’t a fairytale, he would tell her. It’s simply the magic of Christmas.
When Chad pulled the horses to a stop, Jordyn could see the giant Christmas tree in front of them. The shimmering lights on the tree made it glow like a living thing through the haze of snowflakes. She looked over at Chad. “Why are we stopping?”
“Because it’s Christmas.” He reached into the back of the sleigh. “And I have a present for you.”
Jordyn frowned because she had nothing for him. “Why don’t you wait until the morning?”
“It already is morning. And I want you to open it now.”
He handed her a large bag that was heavy and rattled with a muted tone. When she pulled out the gift, the tones were no longer hushed. In the dim light, it took her a moment to realize what it was. “How did you—?” She choked and could speak no more.
He wiped a tear away from her cheek. “It wasn’t supposed to make you cry.”
“But it’s so beautiful...and it’s like my dad is right here with me again.” She pulled the ring of sleigh bells close to her heart and closed her eyes. They were all here. Every sleigh bell that had been lovingly placed where she would find it, and then taken back by Santa on Christmas Eve, were right here, stitched together onto a piece of wide leather. A buckle had been added and the ends were clipped together to make a circle...A continuous circle of pure love. She could feel her father’s spirit and could hear his hearty laughter as if he were nowhere and everywhere.
“I can’t believe it.” She shook the gift that had so much more meaning than just a collection of bells. Together they made the most joyous sound she had ever heard. “It’s like a Christmas miracle.”
“Your dad entrusted me with those bells the summer before you left.” He cleared his throat. “And I was planning to give this to you the night you told me you were leaving.”
Jordyn looked at the circle of bells more closely. “So you made this?” The leather was old, but supple and well-oiled. Chad had probably rescued a discarded piece of old harness and carefully brought it back to life.
“I wanted you to have them all together in one place. That’s the only way I could think of to do it.” He pointed to one of the bells. “But your dad did the hard part. Over the years, he engraved each one with the year you found it.”
Jordyn lifted the piece and studied the bells. Along with each date was engraved a single word. Believe. Joy. Snow. Tree. Each word was associated with something that happened that year, and each one brought back a vivid memory that Jordyn had thought long forgotten. One word was all she needed to spark the memory.
“This is the year I helped cut down one of the Christmas trees.” She held it up for Chad to see, and pointed to the word tree. “I think I was ten. And this is the year that it snowed a foot on Christmas Eve.” She looked up excitedly. “Do you remember?”
Chad nodded. “Yes, I remember.” He pointed to the last bell on the chain. “Do you know what this one means?”
Jordyn studied the word: Ring. She looked up. “I’m not sure about that one. I guess it just signifies the ringing of the bells. And that I should always re
member the magical tones?”
Chad pointed to the date. “Actually, this one isn’t from your father.”
Jordyn looked more closely at the date. “That’s this year.” She gazed up at him, confused, and then back at the bell. The engraved date and word weren’t as precise and elegant as her father’s had been, as if the etching had been hurriedly—or perhaps, nervously—done.
He nodded. “Your father never gave me the last one...the year you left...so I had to add one of my own. That’s what took me so long.”
“What does ring—”
Chad pulled a small box out of his pocket. “Oh, I almost forgot. That’s what took me so long. I also had to find this.”
Jordyn stared at the box and the trembling hand that held it. For all of his strength and confidence, she could see how emotional Chad was.
“Will you marry me, Jordyn?”
Jordyn answered by throwing her arms around his neck. “Yes! Yes!”
“Then take your mitten off so I can get this on your finger before it falls into the snow,” he said, laughing.
Jordyn hurriedly removed the glove and waited for Chad to open the box and place the ring on her finger. Both hands were trembling, but they blamed it on the cold, not their nerves.
“Merry Christmas, Jordyn.” He held her face in his hands, his voice thick and unsteady. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust and believe you. But I never stopped loving you.”
“I never stopped loving you either.” Although she could barely see now through the haze that filled her eyes, Jordyn pointed to the piece of leather again. “There’s a space here. What’s that for?”
“It’s from the last year you were here.” He ran his hand over the smooth leather. “I decided to leave room in case we find the missing bell someday. Your mother said she’d keep her eye out for it.”
“So Mom knows about all this?” Jordyn waved her hand in the air, admiring the sparkling ring.
Sleigh Bells Ring Page 11
