by Sosie Frost
“I can’t stop Rem,” I said. “It’s his decision.”
“Even if it’s the wrong one?”
“I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he’s already hurting. He’s ashamed of himself, and he thinks he’s a bad influence on me. I can’t watch him destroy his life. The life we might have had together.”
“Do you love him?” Tidus asked.
“Always and forever.” A lump formed in my throat. “But telling him won’t work. He has to figure it out for himself. He needs to heal. Forgive the past. I can’t do that for him.”
Hard to be alone in a house filled with five brothers.
Hard to be sad when each of them did their best to cheer me up.
Hard to let go of everything I’d ever wanted, the love I’d dreamed about, and the future I’d deserved.
Absence might have made the heart grow fonder.
But abandonment just made it break.
21
Rem
The phone rang.
And rang.
And rang.
My head raged against the damn kiddie jingle—Cassi’s idea of a joke, replacing my rington with some sort of Telli-Tubby-Elsa-Disney-Wheels-On-The-Wiggles shit. Hell if I knew the name of the song. It was loud. It was pissing me off. And it was half past fuck you in the morning.
I fumbled for the phone and grumbled a profane greeting.
No one answered.
But a kid was crying in the background.
No.
Two kids.
I bolted up in the bed, squeezing the phone.
“Emma?” The groggy cleared from my voice. No longer drunk, but an hour short of a massive fucking hangover. “You there?”
Nothing. More crying.
My gut turned, and it wasn’t the alcohol. I pushed myself from the bed and headed to the bathroom. A cold splash of water did nothing to fix my face—tired, worn, and hating the one staring back.
“Em?” I raised my voice. “Are you there?”
Her mumbling was breathy and slurred. “Rem…”
Shit. What the hell had happened?
“What’s wrong?”
She groaned something, smacked her lips, and went silent, a labored breath echoing from her side of the call.
“Son of a bitch.”
I wanted to tell myself she was sick.
A flu. Strep throat. Fever.
But I wasn’t stupid. I recognized the sounds because I’d been there before. Four years ago. In the same damn spot, in the same damn way, trapped in that same fucking spiral.
Emma had relapsed.
And the kids were crying.
“I’m coming!” I shouted into the phone.
I doubted she could hear me. Doubted even more that she’d care. But I did. It soothed me. Calmed my racing heart despite that utter fucking terror that iced my veins.
I tripped over my bags in the bedroom. Christ. I’d almost left today. Decided to stick around because I had a couple last beers in the fridge and because…
Didn’t matter why.
Didn’t matter that I thought about Cassi. That I regretted every minute she wasn’t warming my bed. Didn’t matter that I knew I’d broken her heart. Again.
I couldn’t let myself wonder what if.
What if I apologized? What if she took me back?
What if we had a chance?
At least that indecision had kept me in Butterpond. Had I been traveling…had I left the state…
Emma was out. The kids were alone.
No more what ifs.
I pulled on a pair of jeans and tossed a flannel shirt over my shoulders. Loathe as I was to do it, I dialed the Sherriff while tugging on my shoes.
The emergency line had forwarded to Samson’s personal cell. It took him a good minute to answer.
His greeting was just as uncouth. In another life, a less fun life, we might have gotten along.
“It’s Remington Marshall,” I said.
“Aw shit.”
“Evening to you too.” I gritted my teeth as I bolted for the truck. “Look, I got a problem.”
“It’s the middle of the damn night, Marshall.”
“It’s Emma.” I bit the words. “She’s in trouble.”
“As usual.”
“Don’t fuck with me.” The truck roared to life. It wasn’t safe to speed down the pitch-black mountain. I floored it anyway. “I’m heading there now. Might need an ambulance.”
“That bad?”
“I know you think we’re trash, that we’re no good, that we’re some sort of scourge on the town because our daddy drank at home instead of at Renegades with the good ol’ boys…but she’s in trouble.”
“Got no problem helping someone who needs help, Marshall.” Samson huffed. “Only got a problem with a smart, capable boy who ran away because he thought it’d make him a man.”
“Don’t let Emma suffer for it.”
“Neither of us would let that happen. I’ll call for an ambulance.”
I didn’t thank him. He didn’t expect it. I ended the call and sped down the mountain, headlights blasting over the bumpy and potholed roads.
I was twenty minutes from town.
Twenty minutes of a thumping heart.
Twenty minutes of cold sweat.
Twenty minutes of imagining the words I’d need to explain to a three-year-old why her mommy wasn’t waking up.
And if she died...
I slammed a hand on the steering wheel.
No. I wouldn’t let the worst-case scenario rot in my brain.
The kids cried as I pulled in the driveway. Heard them from outside the house, but it was a shitty rental. The one level ranch kept them warm, but it needed a coat of paint, better windows, a new roof, and someone on the inside who could stay sober for two damn weeks at a time.
I expected worse. The living room was in toddler-order—blankets and pillows randomly tossed on the floor. A box with crayon doodles in the corner. A rainbow assortment of blocks scattered over the carpet, just waiting for an unsuspecting foot. The furniture was second-hand, and the carpets stained, but the only problem was the reeking stench of too many cigarettes. Emma only gave up one vice at a time, apparently. Not great around the little kids.
“Emma?” I called through the house. “Where are you?”
The girls wailed from the back of the house. I hurried down the hall, crashing through the door to my sister’s bedroom.
My sister had collapsed on the bed, wearing only a bra, jeans, and one shoe. The needle was on the nightstand. Who needed dignity when they had drugs?
Mellie sobbed on the floor beside her mother. I scooped her up, earning a higher pitched shriek until I shushed her.
“It’s okay. It’s Uncle Rem. I got ya.”
Mellie, red-faced and panting, pointed at Emma. “Mommy!”
My heart broke. I pushed Mellie’s head onto my shoulder, away from the sight. “I know. It’s okay.”
I leaned down and gave Emma a push. Getting ashen, but she was still alive.
Was that better or worse?
I pulled Mellie from the room and set her on the floor in the hallway. Poor thing wasn’t even wearing pants. Just an oversized t-shirt, panties, and one sock. She was shivering. Crying. Snotty. Hiccupping.
What the hell had she been through?
“Mommy’s gonna be okay. She’s sleeping.” I smoothed her hair. “Let’s check on Tabby.”
My chest ached. Tabby wailed from her crib. Filthy. She’d soiled her diaper sometime during the afternoon or night, but Emma hadn’t been sober enough to change her.
I picked her up anyway, trying my hardest to soothe the tiny girl, flushed pink, uncomfortable, and scared. Tabby’s chubby little arms wrapped around my neck, and she buried her face against me.
Mellie dove at me too, her hug tight around my legs.
What the hell had I done?
I let them go.
Hadn’t considered Emma’s health or stability. Hadn’t chec
ked in on her.
I wasn’t even going to say good-bye.
I thought nothing could hurt more than packing their little clothes and toys and sending them back to their real home.
Except this.
This tortured me.
How could I have let this happen to them? The two innocent girls already bore the last name of Marshall. One strike in the book before even hitting preschool.
They deserved so much better than a dirty home, an unstable parent, and an uncle too terrified of his mistakes to see what he could give them.
A good life.
A healthy life.
A loving life…
Together.
I knelt, welcoming Mellie into my arms. My ass hit the floor, but it didn’t matter. The girls snuggled hard into me, and I squeezed them back.
“I’m sorry…” My words choked with tears I wouldn’t let fall. Not now. “I’m here, guys. I won’t leave you. I’m gonna be right here for you. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”
I owed it to them.
I owed it to myself.
I owed it to the past I’d escaped.
And I owed it to the future I’d make. A future with the girls.
“Cassi?” Mellie sniffled into my chest. “I want Cassi.”
I pulled her close, kissing her head. Outside, red and blue lights flashed. Sherriff Samson.
The night was only going to get worse for them.
“I know, sweetheart.” I held them tighter. “I miss her too.”
But not for long.
I’d made enough mistakes. Lived enough lies. Ruined enough hearts.
It was finally time for me to fix it. All of it.
It started with the kids.
And it ended with Cassi.
No…
With Cassi, we’d finally begin.
22
Cassi
A pounding shook the house and woke me at six in the morning.
That wasn’t unusual. A lot of strange noises came out of the Payne farmhouse.
Quint’s concerts in the shower. Julian’s menagerie of chain saws and lawn mowers he’d constantly fix on the porch just below my window. Tidus’s never-ending feud with the hundred year old floorboards.
And Varius…
I wished I heard him more. It was Jules who kept checking on him, making sure he was just quiet and not measuring out the rope.
This pounding wasn’t the usual foot through the drywall. It was a knock. And if the unfortunate bastard rapping at the door wanted to live, he should’ve prayed that I’d reach the porch before Tidus and his accompanying hangover.
I stumbled down the stairs, patting at my chest to make sure I at least had a sports bra on under the tank top. The hair was another story. The pink scarf did its best, but the curls were quietly consuming everyone and everything in their path. If I got lucky, they’d devour the jackass pounding at the door so early in the morning.
A yawn conquered me. My head butted against the frame as I pulled the chain away and swung the door wide.
“Hi!” Mellie sauntered into my living room as if appearing out of thin air. Her hair was a mess, she yawned as hard as me, and she rocked a pink pajama shirt with orange leggings. “This is for you.”
She handed me a sticker that read Ironfield Regional Hospital.
My stomach sunk.
“Mellie…what…”
Rem poked through in the doorway. He motioned with a finger over his lips and nodded to the sleeping Tabby on his shoulder.
Exhaustion hardened his features. Dark circles shadowed under his eyes. His lips had thinned in an undercurrent of rage. He stood bare-chested and silent. The baby slept in his arms, wrapped in his flannel shirt, strategically knotted to create the world’s most redneck onesie. Both girls seemed to be okay, but my stomach dropped.
His expression revealed everything.
“Oh no. What happened?”
Rem didn’t hesitate. His chestnut eyes narrowed on me, honest and completely sincere.
“I love you, Cassi Payne.”
I gripped the door. “What?”
“I love you, Sassy. I shouldn’t have let you go.”
I blinked. Sucked in a breath. Frowned. “…What?”
“I love you.”
Words I’d been dying to hear, but not like this. Not at the crack of dawn while I worried about the two exhausted little girls and the secrets they shared with Rem.
“What happened?” I asked. “Rem, the girls…”
He didn’t hesitate, even as the shame destroyed him from the inside out. “Got a call from Em in the middle of the night.”
“Is she okay?”
“She was once I got her to the hospital.”
A worst fear then. He confirmed it.
“Overdose,” he said. “She’s okay. But the girls were alone. Emma called me before she passed out, and I got there before any harm was done. Mostly. The kids were scared. I didn’t grab a change of clothes for them before I left for the hospital. I waited for Emma to stabilize, and then…” He shrugged. It nudged Tabby but didn’t wake her. “I came here.”
“I’m so sorry, Rem.”
“I shouldn’t have left them.” His honesty shocked me. “And I never should have left you.”
What was he trying to do to me? “Rem, I can’t do this right now...”
He closed the door behind him. His watchful eye ensured Mellie had only crept into the living room to collapse on the couch.
“Cassi…two weeks ago, I wanted the girls to go back with Emma. I thought she’d recovered. And I thought…I could handle it. But it hurt to lose them. It hurt to stay in the cabin all alone, wondering why Emma could get her life together and move on while I was stuck in the past. I missed then. And I missed you.”
I hadn’t had time to cobble those defenses back up before honesty eroded them away. “I missed you too.”
“I thought I’d be a bad influence on the girls. A detriment to their life.”
“Only if you keep running.”
He took my hand. “I get that now. You showed me that. You saw the man I could become.”
My heart raged. I should have pushed him out. Should have stopped him from speaking the sweet words. Should have closed myself to him.
But would that have made me any less of a liar than Rem?
“You always were that man.” My words weren’t gentle. Only wish I could have punctuated them with a smack across his shoulder. “You didn’t need me to prove it.”
“But I did. I needed you, Cas. I needed the kids. I had to see what this could be.”
“And what’s that?”
“A family.”
My knees couldn’t take much more of this. I backed away, groping a hand against the wall behind me. But the wall didn’t hold me steady.
Rem did.
“I’ve wanted a family above all else. I want to be a family to the girls…an uncle, a father, whatever they need.” He smiled at me. How didn’t I melt right through the wall? “And I want to be the man for you. I want in your life. I want to be at your side. No more hiding. No more running. I love you, Cassi Payne. I’ve always loved you. And now I need you in my life.”
“Rem…”
I stood, stunned and bewildered and choked by every terrible word I should have shouted and every lovely and desperate secret I’d whispered across the pillows.
The words stuck in my throat. I had nothing to say that would be as sweet as his declarations…except maybe the offer of syrup.
“Do you…” My head spun. “Do you want some pancakes?”
Rem exhaled, a deep, shattering breath. What remained was a gentle smirk. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
Did it?
Or did it sound like yet another heart-breaking mistake?
I led the biggest complication in my life into the living room, surrounded Tabby with pillows on the couch next to her sister, and had no better answers by the time I’d reached the stove.
Despite the w
ords and revelations and sweet declarations swarming in my head, I remembered the pancake recipe after staring at the fridge for a solid minute to identify the eggs.
What the hell was I supposed to do?
My heart demanded that I rush into his arms, steal his kisses, and offer myself right there on the kitchen floor. I couldn’t focus on the labels. I’d dumped what I believed to be flour into a liquid which seemed to be milk as Jules limped into the kitchen, covered in grease, grass stains, and thorns.
He bled purple as he groped for the fridge. The crimson streak he left behind wasn’t as appetizing as the leftover pizza he’d stolen from Tidus’s box. The slice never made it to his mouth. Jules stared at Rem.
Rem handed him a dishrag, but nothing could rub away the violet stain covering his arms, neck, face. “What the hell happened to you?”
My brother glanced to me and knew better than to say anything. “Fucking blackberries.”
“What?” I asked.
“There’s a blackberry patch infesting where the second field used to be. I tried to clear it out. The berries won.”
One crisis at a time. I stared into the bowl of gloopy mix, trying to remember what the hell I was making. “Want some…breakfast?”
“No.” Jules stole a banana from Varius’s pantry shelf and tempted his own damnation with a bite. He should have left in silence. The concept was foreign to him. “What the fuck is he doing here?”
“Shh.” I smacked his arm and pointed to the living room. “The kids are sleeping.”
“What the hell are they doing here?” Jules checked his watch. “How long was I stuck in that goddamned bush?”
Rem headed for the coffee pot, the one object in the house unchanged in the last five years. Dad had always kept the coffee, coffee pot, non-dairy creamer, and a coffee-stained paper plate to hold a stirring spoon in the same corner of the kitchen. Rem shoveled the grounds into the pot, thought better of it, and added another scoop.
We should have added whiskey to it.
“Emma overdosed last night,” Rem said.
Jules exhaled. “She okay?”
“Will be.”
“And you’re here because…”
“I came to apologize to Cassi.”
