by Quinn, Cari
He told me he was poison
I didn't listen
He swore he was no good
But I saw only stars
In his eyes
In my heart
I got off on the lust
And the need
Oh, how he needed me
It was hard to see
He was the stars blinding me
“Well, shit.”
They were good. They were always good. It was like my lyrics were first draft when writing with Jamie. Her brain worked differently. And wasn’t as close to the subject matter.
She stole my book again and scribbled a few more lines before sitting forward. “I need my guitar.” Jamie shoved the book at me. “You know I hate writing without Bree.”
I sighed. Bree being her Breedlove acoustic that had followed us into every writing session since we were twenty. “Well, I was writing, not you.”
“Whatever, you know you wanted me to jump in. You’re too butthurt by dickhead’s fuckery.” She tapped her fingers on her knee. Obviously, a melody was banging around in there.
She’d be incorrigible until the song got out of her. She took a huge bite from one of her sandwiches and picked up her plate. “Let’s go.”
I took one more bite from mine and handed the rest to Oz. “I’m full.”
He took it. “Waste not, want not as my mama always said.” He dumped it on his plate then stacked his overflowing one on top of mine. “Thanks, boss.”
I grabbed my coffee and rushed after Jamie. She was hollering at her guitar tech for her acoustic. By the time I caught up with her, she was sitting cross-legged on one of the trunks littered on the stage.
I could already hear the sadness and rage in the chords. Exactly what the song needed. Regardless of all Jamie’s faults, music was her haven as much as it was mine. I could hear the words building in my mind.
She glanced up when I started singing.
She followed me as any good collaborator did. She followed my lead then our paths diverged again. We backed up and started over.
We played the song eleven times while the chaos happened around us.
Oz’s thumping bass came in and finally, Teagan’s hesitant keys.
Instead of whomping drums, Cooper brought out percussion. Low-level tones that gave the song just what it needed.
Instead of saying anything when the song ended, Oz simply came by me and circled his arms around my shoulders. Zane and Cooper followed suit, until it was Brooklyn Dawn as a unit in the center of the stage. Even the crew disappeared to give us the moment to ourselves.
My eyes were dry. The tears were long gone in the drain of the shower that afternoon. Now it was just time to use the pain. But the love of my band and my people was exactly what I needed. I didn’t even have to ask.
They just knew.
When they finally pulled back, I caught Darcy out of the corner of my eye.
Yeah, that had to be dealt with.
Instead of anger, I saw thoughtfulness out of our stage manager. Her light hair was in its usual ponytail, dark-lined cobalt blue eyes smudged in stress. She was always stressed with us.
By the time I got to the side stage, she held up a hand. “Whatever that was, we’ll add it. It’s the tightest you guys have been all tour.”
I opened my mouth to protest.
She kept going. “Not that it hasn’t been amazing, but that was magic. So, we’ll do whatever we have to do to make that happen. I already okayed thirty extra minutes from the venue in case things go over tonight.”
Surprised, I wasn’t sure what to say. “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me, just don’t fuck this up tonight.”
“Got it.”
And it was a monster to set up, but by the time Warning Sign got on stage, nerves were dancing in my belly. I didn’t get nervous for a show. Not in years. Still, I was a hot mess by the time I got up on my intro stage. My hands shook as I took hold of the bars around my small platform.
The usual chatter filled my monitors in my ears.
I felt the hook of the tether to my belt. I smiled at Joanie, the tech who took care of me on stage.
“All set, Lindz.”
I nodded, not sure I could even speak.
We’d added a fan pit to the stage for a few songs. Tonight, they were going to get an eyeful in more ways than one. Luc and Molly agreed to do an extra song for us at the midpoint of the show so we could get everyone in position for the two songs.
I’d never let a song go out without a studio and about nineteen revisions.
I smoothed my hand over the shimmery belt I was wearing. I usually wore a full catsuit for ease of movement, but tonight, I had all my armor on.
Jewelry, every woman’s true armor.
Fragile chains dripped from the straps of my bra to drape over my arms with tiny lavender crystals. Another trio snaked down from a necklace to between my breasts.
There was no shirt tonight.
Just a sequined bra that flashed fire. My midriff was bare save for the chain that snaked down to my belly button then split into three fine chains hooked to my belt.
Skin.
Glitter.
I wore a short smoky gray skirt with an extra slit for when I played the piano later. Thigh-high purple boots with a five-inch heel completed the look.
As the opening of “Judgment” filled the arena, I locked down all the fear.
It was showtime and a broken heart didn’t ever change that.
Thirty-Five
I could barely catch my breath.
The night had gone by in a blur of songs. The crowd was in the palm of our hands. Oz hadn’t bothered with a shirt tonight. Cooper had lost his as well. Even our ever Zen-like Zane was wild tonight.
We were feeding off of one another. And they all were bolstering me to get through this show without losing my damn mind.
In the back of my brain, the songs were a breeding ground of doubt and anger. My vocals were sharper, more jagged with emotion. We pulled out “Archer” thanks to the little girl’s request and it had brought back that early hunger we used to feel when we first formed the band.
When we had to work for the crowd.
And even though we had them tonight, we didn’t take it for granted. We didn’t allow it to be just another show. It was all too easy to do when the days blended together. But here, we brought the ruckus with our songs.
Shenanigans on stage kept the mood light. Because the next half would be intense.
Finally, it was time. I was left on the stage alone, a simple pale purple light around me. “We have a treat for you tonight.”
The crowd roared.
“I didn’t even tell you what it is yet.” I glanced over at Oz, who walked to me in the dark. It was just the two of us and his thumping bass like a heartbeat. “Or who.”
And the crowd surged again. Everyone on their feet.
“Ahh, you like that. Yeah, us too. We’ve been touring with them and just love when they do this song, so we asked them to play it for you guys. You good with that?”
Screams knocked me back a step. I didn’t even have to play pretend at it.
The screams intensified as another spotlight went over me to the small stage I used to come out at the beginning of every show. Luc Moreau’s hair was down, giving him an extra lionesque look with his thick, almost sinister beard. He was wearing ridiculously tight black jeans and boots—and that was it.
Molly was next to him in a diaphanous white romper with slits up the sides. Her long, tanned legs were killer, ending in silver strappy stilts. An old school box mic stood between them.
They waved. Molly leaned into the microphone. “A little Lita and Ozzy is okay with you guys, right?”
Oz’s thumping heartbeat was the undertone, and Jamie’s small stage started moving in the dark. My heart raced double time. I tried to slow it to Oz’s bass, but it wouldn’t be stopped.
We had six minutes to get into place.
I
zipped down to the ramp for the understage to get behind my baby grand piano. It had been awhile since I’d taken it out of the truck. Since Teagan filled in so perfectly on the piano, I only played when the mood struck.
The next song needed everything.
But above me, Luc played acoustic for “Close My Eyes Forever”, slowing it down to make it even more dreamy and sexy.
I reached behind me for my pack and switched the channel in my monitors. Darcy’s clipped voice filled my brain. The video, the crew, and stage settings were all working smoothly.
The crowd was eerily silent as if Molly and Luc put them in a trance. I could feel the hum of lust coming through the damn floorboards. They were incredible together, but some duets were just magic.
I switched back to my usual mix. Teagan’s piano and Oz’s bass kept me where I needed to be in each song.
I couldn’t see what was going on with the crowd and my band since I was below deck. Down here, it was a beautiful chaos that no one would understand other than musicians. A hive of insanity that was actually choreographed to the minute.
Charlie, our video guy, came running over to me. “We’ve got three cameras with a live feed right now. Looks like this is going to work. Let’s just hope we don’t max out the bandwidth on the Facebook and Instagram pages.”
“Thanks, Charlie. I couldn’t have gotten this together so fast without you.”
“Kick it in the ass, love.”
I grinned. “Always.”
I pulled one of my monitors out so I could hear the crowd. They were losing their damn minds as the song ramped up to the final solo. Jamie’s guitars layered over Luc’s acoustic and the song went from dreamy to metal in a heartbeat.
The crowd went wild since she should be just about over the center of the arena. Luc and Molly compensated with stunning vocals that made me fucking jealous. They were amazing and the song was epic.
But I’d be bringing it, goddammit.
The nerves were buzzing through the ends of my fingertips. We didn’t have a violinist in our repertoire, but Zane actually played with a bow on his guitar sometimes. He was excited to get to use it again. It was a rockier version of the strings in “November Rain” but it sounded so damn cool.
The darkness from above finally clicked in.
The deafening screams of the crowd.
I tucked my monitor back into my ear and stretched my fingers of my right hand and tapped my battery pack so Teagan knew to start in thirty seconds. It would take both of us being in tandem to create the wall of sound we all wanted.
The opening chords of “November Rain” thundered into the night as my piano rose out of the floor to the stage. Once I got up to the stage level, Zane was in his usual spot on the left side with his bow and guitar.
Cameras craned above me and around me as Teagan’s piano moved across the space on rollers to meet me in the center. We extended the piano solo, looping it once so everyone could get into their places. Once Teagan and I were head to head, the floor slowly revolved with both of us on it like a huge-ass lazy Susan.
Teagan was smiling like the fucking sun.
We were in sync and I opened my mouth as the lyrics tumbled out. I closed my eyes against the emotions rising up inside me. The song said so much about the antagonistic relationship Nash and I had. I poured out all my love and my hurt.
I reached for lower registers and higher ones than I ever looked for. I usually tried to save my voice for the entire show, but this song took everything. And the next one would take all that was left. I couldn’t care about that right now.
I just needed the healing elixir of music and the show.
The cameras panned to Jamie, finally giving me a chance to breathe as the guitar solo spun out and built like the demonic force it was. I got out of my own head long enough to look up and watch her kill her part of the song. The fans were as slack-jawed as the rest of us. Jamie was a sight to behold.
Oz ran around the ramp behind the drum set and stood behind Cooper his arms up, demanding more screams. Cooper slapped the drums racing to keep up with her. I motioned to Teagan and she took over the piano parts as I sung my way across the stage to the stairs of my small platform. My tech hooked me in as I stood with my tricked out microphone stand. It was encrusted with so much flash and gemstones it actually hurt my hands to grip it for too long.
But the epic pianos came up and Jamie and Zane attacked the solo as the arm of my platform went over the crowd. I screamed the whole way over in a fair facsimile of Axl. My band backed me up, and we all blew the roof off the place.
Teagan was a beast on her piano, playing like she never played before.
And there I was in the middle of the arena, my platform side by side with Jamie.
She stood directly across from me and we were both breathing like we’d run a marathon. She was smiling like a lunatic, and her hair was sticking to her neck with sweat gleaming on her skin.
Then the lights went out everywhere but our two miniature stages. The mechanical arms were extended over the crowd at their maximum capacity. A 360 degree view of every fucking thing below us.
I could feel the camera.
I had to ignore that part or I’d slam the door on the emotions. They were drowning me.
Quiet night
Driving to my destiny
Know what you’ll do
What we’ll do
When we break apart
And come together again
Open me up
All of me
I sang without accompaniment at first. The voices below me went from screams to a murmur to silence. The hurt swirled under the words. My skin was on fire from laying myself bare. Just as I tripped over the last line, I looked up and found Jamie.
Proud Jamie with her chin up and murder in her eyes.
She’d happily kill for me. That kind of loyalty couldn’t be found just anywhere.
But I had it here with the family I’d created. Without question, they’d backed me. My voice steadied and I nodded to Jamie. We’d written it with an acoustic, but Jamie had a deft hand with an electric just as much as a stripped down guitar.
The sorrow echoed out of each chord she teased out of the fret with her long, deft fingers. She was minus a pick. She’d told me once that some songs need skin on skin.
This song was one of them. I understood that down to my bones.
I’d handed him everything.
I’d offered up a safe space for his confession.
I’d loved him regardless.
And he let our song go without a thought to me. Without even speaking to me. As if it was a used tissue to discard.
I’d have to talk to him, but right now, all I could feel was how he’d sliced me in two.
I wasn’t sure how I’d get past it. Did I want to?
Daylight comes and it’s all the same
Push me out
Start over again
I drive away, broken and alive
Because I know when you call again
There’s no escape
No escape for me
The tears leaked, trailing down to the crystals soldered to my microphone stand. I watched one drip down and melt into the platinum and ice-colored gemstones. With each word, some of the pain escaped and floated free over the crowd.
Their love and the acceptance of my song—our songs—had healed me when I was a girl dying to prove herself, and here and now the woman with her heart on display.
He told me he was poison
I didn't listen
He swore he was no good
But I saw only stars
In his eyes
In my heart
I got off on the lust
And the need
Oh how he needed me
It was hard to see
He was the stars blinding me
Cracks in the sidewalk
Make me fall
Poison in my blood
Taste it all
But I kn
ow when you call again
There’s no escape
No escape for me
How could I be so wrong?
My heart was like that cracked sidewalk right now. Fissures everywhere and only time would show me if it would be shored up or broken open wider with weeds and careless handling.
My voice echoed out into the night. When I opened my eyes, I saw all the phone torches below. My lights in the darkness.
I held on as the platform slid back to the stage.
Jamie spun out the solo she’d created on the fly, and with her amazing talent, she wrapped it into the next song on the setlist.
I brought the arm of the camera closer to me and let the world see the emotions on my face then panned it out to the crowd and their light.
Then I sang the holy fuck out of our new single for this album, “Black Magic”.
And I put him away.
I was a goddamn professional.
I’d given him enough time on this stage already.
Thirty-Six
She was magnificent.
A beacon on a stage that didn’t seem big enough to hold her voice, echoing out into the night like a cry for justice. Her voice was her retribution and even if I knew I hadn’t earned her wrath, I felt it just the same.
I’d written some of the lyrics Angel had sang in that livestream. I’d put together some of the phrases she’d turned and twisted and made into something else. I had also been the one to copy down from memory the words to the song Lindsey and I had written in the barn. Even my recording hadn’t seemed like enough. I hadn’t wanted to lose them.
It wasn’t as if Lindsey and I had discussed the song afterward. It had been very much in the moment. Maybe she would end up wanting it to land at the bottom of her circular file.
But I’d needed the words for me. They were just one more memory from our time together. A track listing on the album we’d never agreed to make together but had just the same.
