by Lyn Gala
“I would not terminate husbanding!” Rick sounded offended down to his last curling tentacle. When they left the hearing and lost access to the business translator, Max was going to miss being able to hear Rick’s emotions reflected in his tone.
“You legally have the right to terminate husbanding. Even Unbalanced Max says as much. This is unacceptable. Unbalanced Max has committed unacceptable trading.”
That did not sound good.
Rick blasted a whale-song that didn’t translate. “I take Max as...” The statement ended in a belch-song.
“That didn’t translate,” Max said.
Rick didn’t explain—the judge did. “Some species not asymmetrical create relationship that cannot be terminated. What belongs to one belongs to the other. Asymmetrical species do not register such relationships.”
“I am husband to Max. I register...” And that was another belch-song.
The judge turned to Max. “Do Unbalanced ones have a marriage relationship that cannot be ended?”
“Um, yeah.” Unfortunately, the business translator was going to broadcast his uncertainty. One of the guys in the unit had been Mormon, and he had expected his marriage to survive death and didn’t believe divorce was possible because their souls had been joined in a temple. However, that was not part of Max’s more nebulous religious tradition. “Churches have that.”
“So do laws,” Dee said. “My cousin has a covenant marriage registered with the state of Louisiana. That comes with a lot more rules, and it’s designed to remain ‘til-death-do-us-part very literally. So... ” She shrugged.
Rick straightened his tentacles. “I register a covenant marriage.” He was using the same belch-song, but the computer had obviously accepted Dee’s translation. “He may have access to my possessions. He may buy or sell from my account.”
“And you can buy or sell from mine,” Max said. “In fact, most people who get married only have one account and both people have access to it.”
“Logical,” the judge said. “A covenant marriage cannot be voided. If you no longer fit or are not having compatible goals, each will still have access to the account of the other.”
Max took a deep breath. “I am fine with that.”
Rick grabbed Max with several tentacles. “I am happy with that,” he said. And with the fancy translator running, joy filled his voice.
“Describe Unbalanced ones’ requirement for vows and I will register marriaging and covenant marriage.”
“Um, we say vows to each other in front of witnesses and then file paperwork so the government knows that we are married.” Max looked at Dee to see if she had anything to add. She nodded without saying anything. He could add that family should be present, but he was nervous enough about having Kohei and Rick off the ship. He couldn’t have all the kids vulnerable at once, and they sure as hell couldn’t leave the ship undefended.
“I am ignorant of the vow to say,” Rick said.
Max had watched enough television to have a general idea of what he should say, but he didn’t think standard words described their rather non-standard relationship. “You say what you feel. Traditionally, you say I promise to love and respect you, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives. But I would add that I will always love the way you blow raspberries when I say something stupid and never hold the stupidity against me. I love that you’re patient and I promise to try to avoid trying your patience too much. I love what a good father you are, and I promise to always work with you to raise beautiful children. No matter what the universe throws at us, I promise that I will always put you first because you are my family.”
Rick rotated a little, but he couldn’t go far without loosening some of his tentacles, and he didn’t do that. Then Rick spoke, his translated voice soft with emotion. “I promise to love and respect you, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives. I would add that I will always love the way you tangle tentacles with me when I am afraid or angry and you never tell me to stop having fear or anger. I love that you’re caring and I promise to try to avoid...” Rick hesitated. “What should I avoid?” he asked.
Max laughed. “You don’t have to avoid anything because you are perfect.”
Rick blew raspberries. “I promise to avoid noticing that you do not see me clearly. I love what a good father you are, and I promise to only trust you with our beautiful children. No matter what the universe throws at us, I promise that I will always put you first because you are my family.”
“Now you kiss,” Dee said.
Considering where Rick’s mouth was, that might have been awkward, but Rick brought his largest arm tentacle up and brushed it across Max’s mouth. Max caught it and kissed the red tip.
“Woo hoo!” Dee clapped and whistled.
Rick’s tentacles spasmed, pulling Max off balance. “Explain noise!” he bellowed while Max tried to get his feet under him without stepping on any tentacle tips. Luckily, Rick was strong enough to hold him while he did it.
“Making noise is traditional to congratulate the new couple,” Dee said. “This is me congratulating you and making noise to let everyone know that I wish you many years of happy married life.”
Rick’s tentacles relaxed, which made it much easier for Max to right himself, and Kohei started bellowing. After a second, the judge added his whistlish cries. Max pulled his shirt down. “Next time, warn Rick before you do that.”
“I thought he was sweeping you off your feet,” Dee said with a smile. “Congratulations. Both of you.”
The judge tapped his wrist translator. “Traditional congratulations. I recorded the covenant marriage. Unbalanced Max is allowed to sell the work of Ugly Rick.”
Before Max could say anything, the judge retreated to the far side of the table. Since he had been recording an official document, he probably needed to use the official titles, so Max decided to be charitable and forgo any knee-cracking. Besides, this was his wedding day.
“We should have pictures,” Max said. “After I get out of these clothes.” They were still dirty from the weapons testing he had been doing with Xena.
“I will speak to Unbalanced Dee of damage from lack of gregariousness.” The judge backed toward the far door.
“What about it?” Dee asked.
“We speak elsewhere.” The judge continued to back away.
After rolling her eyes, Dee followed. “I’ll see you guys later. Don’t take off.” She stopped and gave Max a searching look.
“Never leave anyone behind,” he said.
She smiled and gave him a quick nod before she turned and followed the judge toward the far door.
“What is traditional after a marriage?” Kohei asked.
Max blinked. No way in hell was he explaining the concept of honeymoon to his children. Nope. Let them figure out what parents did the same way all the Earth kids did—by watching television. It might not be the most accurate depiction of adult relationships, but the longer Max had kids, the more he understood why parents did not discuss some things. Kids had a bad habit of asking awkward questions.
“We should find food Max likes. He picks at ship food without enjoying,” Rick said.
“You noticed?”
Rick blew raspberries. “We will sell the navigation program to the one you designate Al Bundy and then we will find you food you enjoy. I dislike watching you put food in your mouth the way a—whale song- eats a—burb—”
Feeling almost nostalgic, Max said, “Translation matrix failure.”
Rick tightened his hold.
Husbands. They were actual husbands. Odd husbands, but Max had grown used to odd. He even kinda liked it. Max squeezed his husband’s tentacle.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Rick Father, Max Father!” Xander flew at them the second the ship door opened. The unemotional translation computer didn’t communicate excitement, but Xander’s volume and speed did.
“Xander!” Max gave him a hug
, and when James followed, Max bent over to pull him in close. It took Rick a couple of seconds, then he was there, curling his tentacles around the younger two kids, and finally Kohei joined in. Max had tentacles everywhere, and he assumed the one down the back of his pants was Rick’s.
“I’m so glad you guys are safe.” Standing safely in their ship with his whole family around him, the cold fear that had wrapped around Max’s heart eased.
James twitched all of his tentacles. “We are much with safety. We were always much with safety. You and Rick Father were not with safety. We worried.”
“Sorry, buddy.” Max hugged James tighter for a second before standing.
“Max Father,” Xander said, “Al Bundy sent a message. He says he can sell Rick Father's navigation program. He says people pay almost as much as when Rick Father was unknown.”
“Hey, that’s great.” Not as great as getting full price, but “almost” was going to have to be enough. He could only ask the universe to improve so much because the prejudices against the Hidden ones went deep. Max wondered how much of the prejudice was the whole asymmetrical issue and how much came from the aggravation the rest of the universe felt at having navigation in that part of space shut down.
Rick's people weren’t warriors. From what Max had seen on the videos, they still considered hunting a skill every Hidden one should possess. They hunted the small prey on their planet. But the idea of fighting something nearly the same size or fighting another sentient creature didn't exist for them. And the rest of the universe could not respect that a species whose only survival strategy was hiding might not want warriors running around their part of space. Max could testify that when aliens ran past your planet, sometimes it did not end well.
“Do you hear that?” Max asked Rick. “You are going to get credit for writing that program.”
“My hearing is unimpaired to hear Xander's words.”
Apparently Max’s enthusiasm had been lost under the literal translation of his words. Max was going to miss that business translation program.
“Max Father,” Xander said, “The official translation program now translates human as Unbalanced one.”
Max grimaced. “Is that a reference to human walking or human thinking?”
“The translation of the word unbalanced implies both.”
Rick blew bubbles.
Max rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that you saying I told you so?”
When Rick stared at him, Max realized that Rick hadn't understood the question. “Query,” he started. “Are you implying that I should have listened to you when you warned me that I was making myself sound violent?”
Rick bugled. “Yes.”
Max pulled Rick closer. “Well, at least the rest of the universe has fair warning that they need to leave my husband and my children alone. I can be unreasonable when people threaten them, even if the threats are only economic.”
“Is more,” Xander said, his tentacles flailing. “Translation of Ugly one has asterisk.”
Max assumed that wasn’t a literal asterisk, but that someone had flagged the translation in some way. “What does that mean?”
“Unknown.” Xander rotated a bit. “Perhaps they warn not to use designation Ugly one near Max Father.”
“That would be wise. I will admit that I feel a little homicidal every time I hear someone say that.” Max wasn’t sure how long he could control his urge to punch someone. In ROTC, they had made a big deal out of service members being unofficial ambassadors. They had to represent America well to the rest of the world. However, those instructors never had to put up with fucking aliens.
“Max generates unstable words.” Rick didn't pull away, so he wasn't too worried about Max's version of unbalanced.
“Will you protested the designation of human as unbalanced?” James asked. He had a weird bounce in his tentacles that made Max worry that James wanted a fight. Given his namesake, he might turn out to be the only Hidden one who wanted conflict.
“I probably should. The rest of the humans probably won’t be amused.” Max walked deeper into the ship. The door slid closed automatically when the family followed. Kohei hurried ahead to trigger the elevator. “But on the good side, if humans have a reputation for being unbalanced, the rest of the universe is less likely to poke us with a sharp stick.”
“Sharp stick is unprobable,” Rick said. “Sharp maintenance hook more probable.”
Max laughed. “Metaphorically, the universe has a lot of sharp sticks lying around—insults, unjust sanctions, maintenance hooks.” Max’s stomach rumbled. “Come on, let's get something to eat. There should have been a delivery of new foods.”
“Many, many,” James offered. “Available by computer.”
Max might get a decent meal. It had been so long that he wasn’t sure what good food tasted like anymore, but he had found several things at the market that he had liked, at least when sampling them. “We should talk about what we’re going to do with all of those new credits we’re going to have from Rick Father's program.”
“And credits from weapons Max Father and I sell,” James added with a furious little wave of his tentacles.
Max gave the closest waving tentacle a gentle tug. “Of course. We can't forget that.”
“No.” Rick bugled. “You must reserve credits of yours. When you are ready to be James On Your Own, you must have reserve. Reserve James will not be spent on ship of Max and Rick.” He bugled again. Rick had a good point, even if Max sometimes liked to pretend that the children would be with them forever.
James had his tentacles drawn up, which usually meant a family fight was about two seconds away. “My credits. I am spending on my wanting.”
“How about we have a compromise, kiddo,” Max interrupted. “When I was young, my parents had me put half my money into a savings account for the future. The other half I could spend if I was buying something reasonable.”
James’s tentacles uncurled, but Rick's tentacles drew up. Max leaned in closer. “Trust me,” he whispered to Rick. Rick did a quarter turn and considered him out of several small eyes. Max suspected that indicated something like disbelief or sarcasm. He wondered if each of the eyes represented a different emotion. However, Max was not going to explain in front of James that they could simply put money aside for each of the kids and then make them take it since it was a human tradition for parents to economically support their children. None of the kids were going to be left without resources to do whatever they wanted to do in life.
They left the elevator and were headed toward the only room large enough for all of them to eat together—the pool room. They were almost there when Rick stopped. Max frowned, watching as Rick read something on his wrist translator.
“Human Dee requests entrance to the ship.” Rick studied Max with his largest eye.
“Do you have a problem with her?” Max asked.
“No.”
“Then let’s go let her in.” Max reversed course and headed back into the elevator. Having Dee around was potential trouble. After all, if Rick’s ship... if their ship... had been close enough to pick up television and the kids were sure to tell her, then they could have gone home.
But no matter how much potential trouble Max could be in, he wouldn’t leave her behind. You didn’t do that to your unit. He touched the release on the outer door. Outside on the ramp stood Dee with a large bag sitting at her feet.
“Hey, how are you?”
“Good,” Dee said. “Permission to come on board?”
“Come on in.” Max stepped to one side. “What happened with the judge?” Max led her toward the elevator, leaving the door to close automatically.
“It turns out, I had quite the basis for a lawsuit because their government’s stupidity left me lacking a basic necessity for human life.” Dee hiked her bag up higher on her shoulder.
“Companionship.”
“Yep. I got a financial settlement to make up for the government’s stupidity. Apparently
they have decided I am not from a moronic species as much as from an emotionally fragile one, and I couldn’t argue the point.”
They got into the elevator, and Max tried to figure out a way to apologize. He hadn’t thought to ask if any other humans had survived. And they had ignored so many of his requests that he had stopped asking for anything. “I’m so sorry.”
“No worries. To compensate me for my significant trauma,” and her tone made it clear she was quoting the judge on that one, “they gave me a shit-ton of money. So I tried to hire a ship to take me back to Earth,” Dee said in a cheerful voice as she stepped off the elevator.
“And? Did you find one?” Max knew she had a husband of her own back on Earth. No doubt, he assumed she was dead. Max prayed that didn’t end in some disaster for poor Dee. She’d suffered enough without going home to find her husband married to someone else. God, those months he’d spent watching television with the kids while Rick worked on his program had rotted his brain. He thought in soap opera plots now. He didn’t mind pop culture dominating most of his brain, but he could not conduct threat assessments using soap opera plots.
“When Earth was a back-water Hicksville, getting a ticket would have been impossibly expensive.”
“Yeah, I remember.” That had been the main reason Max had taken the nanny job, not that he was complaining. That job had turned out damn well.
“You have the world’s stupidest love-sick grin right now.”
“The universe’s stupidest,” Max corrected her.
“At the very least, the galaxy’s,” she conceded. “However, it turns out that now no one wants to fly to the planet of the Unbalanced ones.” She gave him a weary look. “I know you did ROTC instead of OTS, but did anyone ever mention the part where you’re supposed to be a role model for the people you encounter?”
