The Neanderthal Box Set: A Workplace Romance, 2020 Revised and Expanded Edition

by Reid, Penny

  “Are you really here?” Janie asked. Her question brought my attention back to her. She twisted her arms around my neck. The amber of her eyes was almost invisible. I cursed under my breath.

  “Janie, what did you take?” I pushed her hair from her face.

  “It was the chocolate, I’m pretter sssure.” Sandra stood, staggered like she was going to fall, then walked to me. She stopped three feet away, placed her fists on her hips, and lifted her chin. “With ab-snythe…arbsooth…absinthe—absinthe…yep.”

  “Absinthe? This isn’t absinthe.” Dan set Kat on the bench then knelt in front of her. He cradled her face in his hands. “This looks like LSD.”

  “Or LDS.” Sandra shrugged.

  Elizabeth giggled. Sandra looked at Elizabeth. Sandra and Elizabeth burst out laughing. Soon, all the ladies were laughing. Janie laid her forehead against my chest and gripped my arms. She was consumed by a fit of giggles.

  “No….” Nico wrapped his arm around a laughing Elizabeth, frowned at her. “Not LSD. No hallucinations.”

  Marie sat on the floor. “I can’t—I can’t….” I figured she was trying to say, I can’t breathe but was laughing too hard.

  Kat pointed at Elizabeth as Dan sat next to her. I saw she had tears in her eyes as she said between snorts, “Too bad we don’t know any doctors.”

  And the room erupted again.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, shook my head. This was crazy.

  Sandra was the culprit, I was sure. I walked Janie over to the bench and sat her next to Dan. I then turned to Sandra and placed my hands on her shoulders.

  “Sandra.” I gripped her arms and shook her a little to get her attention. “What did you give them?”

  Her laughter tapered off and her eyebrows lifted. Her eyes moved over my face like she was trying to place me.

  “Sandra, what did you give them?”

  I saw a flicker of lucidity in her gaze and she wrinkled her nose. “Amsterdam absinthe. It’s harmless.”

  “Ohhhh….” Dan said. I looked at him. He rolled his eyes. “It’s hash, Quinn. Amsterdam Absinthe is a nickname for hashish.”

  My stare slid back to Sandra.

  She looked at Dan, and her eyes were squinted like she was confused. “No, no, no. I specifically remember. I wanted Absinthe-flavored chocolate because it’s supposed to be like…like…like a clear-headed drunkiness.”

  “You got hash,” Dan said. He was fighting a smile.

  “No. The chocolate—it’s Amsterdam Absinthe chocolate. And, besides….” Sandra pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest. “Hash is illegal. Absinthe is not.”

  “Should we take them to the ER?” Nico lifted Elizabeth into his arms.

  “Oh, Nico….” Elizabeth said, and she pressed her forehead and nose into his neck. “I love you.”

  Janie and Kat leaned against Dan, who said, “Nah, if they were going to have a bad reaction, it would’ve already happened. Let’s just….” He was juggling Kat to keep her from falling, all while trying to be a good guy and not touch her bare skin. “Let’s just get them dressed and get outta here.”

  “Dan the security man,” Janie said, and her arms went around his neck, her lips against his ear. “You’re cute but you’re short. Don’t listen to Randy Newman, Dan. You have lots of reasons to live.”

  “He’s not short.” Kat fell forward. Dan was trying to keep her upright, and somehow she ended up in his lap. “You guys are the same height. If he’s short then you’re short.”

  “Valid point. You’re not short, you’re perfect.” Janie reached forward and tried to give Kat a high five. The attempt went wide, and she fell forward onto Kat. Now they were both on his lap and laughing again.

  “Damn it—can we please find their clothes?” Dan sounded like he was in pain.

  I watched this exchange and was surprised that I found it funny. Seeing Dan uncomfortable always ranked high. The irony of his discomfort, surrounded by beautiful women in their underwear, one of which I was going to marry in two weeks, only made it funnier.

  “Yeah,” I said, returning Nico’s grin. “Yeah, let’s get them out of here.”

  “We can’t. We can’t go yet,” Marie called from her place on the floor. “Someone has to get married.”

  “What?” Nico, Dan, and I said in unison.

  “It’s true.” Ashley was swaying to invisible music. “We made a pact. We must act to follow the pact—we can’t redact.”

  “Rhyme!” Sandra pointed at Ashley and—surprise, surprise—everyone started laughing again.

  “No-no-no,” I said. “No one is getting married.”

  “What happened to Donald?” Sandra glanced around the room.

  “Who is Donald?” Dan asked.

  “I think we got married.”

  “Donald is gone. Forget about Donald.” I needed to get them dressed and in a car.

  “He left me? Was he crying?”

  “No. No crying.” I frowned at Sandra’s strange question. “But he’s gone.”

  “Well…I guess we’ll just have to find someone else.”

  “No one is getting married.” I said it louder this time. “You all need to put on your clothes. We’re going back to the hotel.”

  “No-no-no.” They all called in unison. The ones who were sitting stood and moved toward each other. Then, as a group, they charged toward me. At least, they charged as much as they could considering they were stoned.

  “It’s happening! We’re not leaving until someone gets married.”

  “Sandra….”

  She turned to look at me, blinked, then pressed her lips together. “You scare me.” She didn’t look scared. She also didn’t sound scared. “And you’re grumpy. Why are you always so grumpy? Tell me about your relationship with your mother. It’s ok to cry. I’m used to it.”

  Ashley loud whispered and drunkenly draped herself over Sandra’s shoulder. “It’s true. She is. They always cry.”

  “Enough. We’re leaving.”

  “No! It’s the last thing on the list.” Elizabeth held up a list. It was a numbered list of ten items. All but the bottom one was crossed out.

  They began calling to me in a chorus, tugging at my shirt. Janie made her way to the front, pressed against me, and whispered in my ear. “Please, please, please....”

  “A little help here?” I looked to Nico.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know how we’re going to get them out of here unless they’re willing.”

  “Fine.” I gritted my teeth and said, “Janie and I will get married.”

  “You can’t get married,” Nico said, trying to dissuade me with a vigorous headshake. “It’ll break your mother’s heart.”

  I squinted at him. “What do you know about it?”

  “I crochet with the girls every Tuesday. I know all about it.” Nico looked around the room then said to the Elvis impersonator, “What do we need to do to get married here?”

  Elvis, who’d been standing like a statue, shook himself and stuttered, “Uh-uh-uh….”

  “Who is getting married?” Dan asked over the continuing chorus of protests from the knitting group.

  Janie was still rubbing against me, and I was starting to return her kisses. Fuck if she wasn’t driving me crazy. I’d never seen her so uninhibited. I was equal parts turned on and exasperated. She had me on fire.

  “I’ll take one for the team. Elizabeth and I’ll do it.” Nico rubbed his hands together. He was smiling. It didn’t look like this was going to be a sacrifice.

  Dan shook his head at Nico. “She is going to be pissed tomorrow when she finds out.”

  “Finds out? She’s here, isn’t she? She’s awake, isn’t she? And look….” He pulled a box out of his cargo pants, opened it to show us a diamond engagement ring and two wedding bands. “I even have the rings.”

  Dan glanced from the rings to Nico. “Did you plan this?”

  Nico shook his head. “No. But I’m going to take advantage of it.”<
br />
  “She’s stoned out of her mind.”

  “Tomato, tomah-to.”

  “Fine,” I said, putting my hands up because it was the easiest option, and Janie’s continuing assault had become overwhelming. I needed to put a stop to it or I needed to get her alone. I couldn’t leave with just her, and I wanted easy. I needed to get them home, and arguing with six mostly naked knitters was the opposite of easy. “Fine. We’ll have a wedding. But everyone needs to get dressed first.”

  “Yay!” Janie smiled up at me and the assault was over. They moved away in a sloppy mess of limbs and bare bodies, hugging each other.

  “Clothes on. Wedding after,” I reminded them.

  The next several minutes were spent sorting through their clothes. Janie gave Elizabeth the veil. Once they had their clothes on, things didn’t get much better. They each seemed to be trying to out-do the other for the shortest skirt.

  Janie easily won, but this was only because her legs were longest. Elizabeth’s blue dress and Janie’s red one didn’t have straps. Sandra was the only one in pants, and they were leather pants. The outfits looked more like wrapping paper than clothing.

  Nico finally got Elvis talking, though Dan kept shooting the man dirty looks. I guessed Dan was still thinking about finding him with his hands on Kat. I didn’t want to know what was going on there, between Kat and Dan. I knew, based on the background checks I’d done on all the ladies, that Kat was more than just a secretary at an architecture firm, but I hadn’t shared the information with Dan, and he hadn’t asked.

  The girls didn’t seem any more sober, but with the wedding to look forward to, they took direction better and sat in the pews when instructed. Random bouts and snorts of laughter erupted periodically.

  I was going to have to get a sample of Sandra’s Amsterdam absinthe chocolate and get it tested just to make sure they hadn’t ingested anything stronger or dangerous. But none of them looked sick. So Dan called for a car, and we made the ladies promise to leave as soon as Elizabeth and Nico were married.

  It was decided that Dan would be the best man and that I would walk Elizabeth down the aisle. I protested when the group wanted Janie to be the maid of honor because she wasn’t walking in a straight line very well. I was overruled.

  An organist appeared from someplace. He was in his eighties at least and walked into the chapel as if he’d been planning to show up all along. He sat down and began playing “A Big Hunk O’ Love.” I guessed that the impersonator usually sang along. He didn’t. He stood at the front, not looking anything like Elvis.

  Nico and Dan also stood at the front. I watched Janie take slow steps away from where Elizabeth and I were waiting at the back of the small building. Amazingly she didn’t fall.

  “We’re so lucky,” Elizabeth loud whispered at my side.

  I glanced at her. “What?”

  She peered at me. “We are lucky. I am lucky to have Nico. You are lucky to have Janie. He gives meaning to the beating of my heart. You and I…we despise almost everyone, which means we save all our love and affection for a small few. I don’t know how they put up with the intensity of it, but they do.”

  I searched her face. She was still stoned out of her mind, which might have meant that her walls were down and she was speaking honestly.

  She continued. “I really do like you, Quinn. You love her like she deserves. You should let her love you back.”

  “I do,” I said. Then, because she was being so honest and she probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning, I added, “Janie makes me a better person.”

  She gave me a small smile before she turned to the front of the chapel. “You make yourself a better person. Janie is just a reminder of why it’s worth it.”

  I blinked at her, taking in this nugget of wisdom. But before I could say anything else, we were walking down the aisle. I glanced at Janie. She was still high as a kite, but she was beaming at her friend. Nico was watching Elizabeth. He looked like he was about to float out of his shoes.

  We reached them in five steps, and I handed Elizabeth to Nico. I then took a seat in the front pew, the one closest to Janie so that she was standing directly before me. If I wanted to, or if she started to fall, I could reach forward without standing and bring her to my lap.

  Mercifully, the organ music stopped. I almost moaned my relief. Elvis cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention, and then he began in a singsong fashion, “Dearly beloved….”

  He read the words from a piece of paper and didn’t look up once during his recitation. This was probably because Dan was still giving him the evil eye.

  I glanced at Nico and Elizabeth and got the distinct impression that they no longer saw us; they weren’t at all aware of the shitty Vegas chapel or the lack of flowers and decorations. They saw only each other.

  That’s how it’s supposed to be, I thought.

  I understood why some people wanted to get married in a beautiful church, temple, or mosque. They wanted to exchange vows surrounded by the presence of their maker. They wanted the experience to be sacred. They wanted beauty around them as they pledged their life together.

  I thought I would be more like Nico when the time came. He looked at Elizabeth, and she was the only beauty he saw. It wouldn’t have mattered if they’d been in St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, the Siddiqa Fatima Zahra Mosque in Kuwait, under the sky, in a tent, or in a piece of shit chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

  Nico didn’t care.

  “I, Elizabeth Heather Finney, take you, Niccolò Ludvico Manganiello….”

  “To be my husband,” Elvis prompted.

  But Elizabeth didn’t repeat after him. She swayed forward a little then repeated his name. “Niccolò Ludvico Manganiello….”

  Elvis looked between the two of them, cleared his throat. “That’s right. Now say, to be my husband.”

  Elizabeth ignored him. She started jumping up and down. “Manganiello…Manganiello…Manganiello!” Each time she said his last name it was louder until she was shouting it. I knew Elizabeth had trouble saying Nico’s last name. But her shouting of Manganiello was ridiculous.

  Nico laughed and shook his head. “Tutto questo è ridicolo. Quel che conta è che il mio cuore ti amava ancor prima di incontrarti e ti amerà sempre. Sii mia e lascia che io sia tuo.”

  Nico had told me once that Elizabeth went crazy when he spoke Italian to her. This was information I considered irrelevant.

  Regardless, he was right. Sitting in the front row of the chapel, I saw the evidence clear as day.

  Elizabeth swayed again, her hands lifted to Nico’s shoulders. The ladies all sighed loudly. I glanced at Janie and found her looking at me like she was starving and I was fried chicken. I lifted my eyebrows at the intensity of her gaze.

  I needed to learn Italian.

  Elizabeth, her nose now an inch from Nico’s, moaned and said, “Oh, screw it. Just say husband and wife already!”

  Elvis looked between them, then to me. I shrugged.

  “Uh…husband and wife,” he said.

  Elizabeth jumped into Nico’s arms, her legs wrapped around his middle, and swallowed his startled laugh when she kissed the hell out of him.

  * * *

  The car drove us back to the casino hotel where the ladies were staying. When we exited the car we split up the girls; each of us helped two make it into the hotel.

  “This is like herding cats.” Dan was carrying a passed out Marie over his shoulder, fireman-style. His other arm was around Kat’s waist, stumble walking with her.

  “This is worse,” I said.

  It was worse. It was torture.

  Janie was snuggled against my chest and her hands were roaming. She hadn’t stopped looking at me like I was a meal since Nico’s little performance. Twice I’d pulled her fingers out of my pants while we walked across the floor of the casino. Janie’s exploration would have been nicer if Sandra hadn’t been on my back.

  The only way I’d been able to keep Sandra from runn
ing off was by giving her a piggyback ride. Her legs were around my waist, her arms around my neck. Every few minutes she’d dig her heels into my sides, arch her back, and say, “Yee haw!” or “Get a rope!” or “Save a horse, ride a cowboy!”

  “It’s not so bad.” Nico said. “Chi s'accontenta gode.”

  Nico’s arms were full of Elizabeth and Ashley. He was the only one who was smiling. Ashley was surprisingly docile. She seemed content to lay her head on his shoulder and quietly follow where he led. Elizabeth had her arms around him and was kissing his neck and face. She also followed him without question.

  “What does that mean?” Dan frowned. “I don’t speak Italian.”

  “It means a contented mind is a perpetual feast,” Nico said. “Similar to a burden that one chooses is not felt.” His hand around Elizabeth slid down the side of her body and grabbed her ass. “Enjoy yourself, and you might find that the task is not so difficult.”

  “That’s easy for you to say.” Dan gritted his teeth and walked around a slot machine. He was propping up a mostly asleep Marie while Kat was tonguing his ear. “You’re holding your wife. If I enjoy myself I’m a scumbag.”

  We finally reached the elevator. Nico pressed the button. We waited.

  My attention flickered to Dan. Kat leaned in to him, pressed her body against his, and kissed his jaw. “You’re cute,” she said, and her hand slid from his neck to his chest, then lower.

  I cocked an eyebrow at them.

  “Fuck….” Dan gasped. His eyes lifted to the ceiling of the casino. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Hurry up.”

  “I think she likes you.” Nico grinned between Elizabeth’s kisses.

  “No.” Dan’s voice was tight. He tried turning from Kat, but she was plastered to him. If he moved away too far or too fast, she would fall. If he let go of Marie, she would fall. “Kat would never do this if she were sober. Can one of you help me out? Move her hand?”

  “Sorry.” Nico didn’t sound sorry. “My hands are full.”

  Dan looked to me. Sandra giggled in my ear and bucked, smacking my ass. “This is fun!” she said. She slurred her words, making it sound like she’d said, Thishun. Then she slumped, her body dead weight. I had to lean forward and grip her legs to keep her from falling.