by Dawn Gardner
Ellen’s phone buzzed with a text from Kim. “Just arrived here in Chicago. I am so excited, I just met a couple of the Nikon ambassadors. I met Joe McNally!!!!!!!!!!!! How is it going there?”
Ellen wasn’t sure who Joe McNally was, but her sister was never excited enough to use that many exclamation points. So Ellen felt happy for her. Should she tell Kim that her mother nearly froze to death, naked in the front yard, was rescued by a neighbor, while Ellen sat reading in the warm living room. Nope. Ellen walked over to her sleeping mother all cozy in the chair, snapped a photo and sent it to Kim. She followed up the photo with, “All is well.”
Ellen took a deep breath. She knew this was going to be hard, but hadn’t anticipated this kind of hard. She had to figure out how to keep her mother alive for six weeks. Ellen walked to the sunroom door. Miss Morris was sitting on the deck. Ellen opened the door and let her in. The cat sauntered over to the papasan chair, hopped up and nestled herself into the empty space between Joni’s legs. Ellen shut the door and she rubbed her fingers over the deadbolt keyhole. Kim must have installed this deadbolt. It locked from the inside. Clever when you have a Houdini for a mother. Ellen ran her finger along the edge of the doorframe and found the key. She locked the door, placed the key in her pocket and walked into the kitchen.
Ellen phoned the glass company and scheduled the repair. She did some light cleaning and folded some of Joni’s laundry. She kept thinking about her mother’s words. Jack was in a box in my room, Jack in a box, Ellen laughed to herself. She went up to her mother’s room and noticed the wool coat on floor. What was the neighbor’s name, she couldn’t remember. In all of the hurry to get her mother dressed, she didn’t even give him his coat back. As she hung the coat in the coat closet, Ellen peered out of the glass panels at the front door, still snowing. She decided to make sure her mother hadn’t escaped. As Ellen reached the sunroom threshold, she could see her mother and Miss Morris both sleeping soundly.
Ellen walked again into her mother’s bedroom. Again the sensation hit her. Had all of these boxes always been in her mother’s bedroom? Three large tiered wooden boxes with gold ornate brackets folded on the corners sat in between the windows. A red box with black scroll work sat on her dresser. Other various Chinese-looking boxes were sprinkled throughout the room. Ellen opened the closet and found another stack of small shoeboxes in the far corner. She wondered again what her mother meant by “Jack was in a box.”
Ellen opened the red box on the dresser first. It was not only beautiful outside, but the inside was lined with black velvet embossed with flowers. Parts of the inside lid were worn. The insert, which looked like an ice cube tray, held her mother’s earrings, necklaces and small bracelets. She lifted the tray out, and found broken parts of jewelry. Tucked under some papers were four brushed gold keys held together with a ball chain. Ellen looked over to the three tiered boxes. Bingo, she thought.
Just as she closed the box, Miss Morris was at the doorway and let out a loud meow. “Miss Morris, you scared the shit out of me.” She placed the keys in her pocket and walked to the sunroom to check on Joni. Miss Morris followed behind rubbing up against Ellen’s legs the whole way.
Joni was awake but still curled up in the papasan chair. When Joni noticed Ellen, she smiled.
“I don’t know why I was so tired.” Joni said.
“Mom, I know. You realize you were naked out in the front yard right?”
“What? Oh Ellen, you are so silly.”
Ellen thought for a moment, should she push it, she decided to leave it alone. She needed more help in understanding what she was dealing with. More internet research was needed and maybe a call to Doctor Barnes later.
“Mom, are you hungry? Wanna eat a grilled cheese sandwich?”
“Oh that would be so good.” Joni said.
Ellen made them both lunch and they spent the afternoon settled into the sunroom. Richard had called four times already today and she had sent the call to voicemail each time. She knew that eventually a conversation would have to happen about the details of ending their marriage, but she wasn’t ready for that. Ellen had only been doing this for a few days and all ready felt the weight of what Kim had been handling for the last couple of years. Ellen welcomed the busyness of caring for her mother because she didn’t have to think about her own life.
Ellen looked at the organized schedule her sister had made, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays were days Kim had arranged for home care. Tomorrow, on a “help” day, Ellen would run out and do some food shopping.
Joni watched the daytime shows and Ellen did research on her laptop. Ellen read: In reference to memories, “last in, first out”, it can be difficult for a person with dementia to remember something from 20 minutes ago. So, her instinct to not press her mother about being naked outside was right. She probably didn’t even remember it. What about Ellen being here with her mom for six weeks, would she remember that?
After the television show went off, Ellen clicked the remote turning the TV off. Joni looked immediately at Ellen, and she could tell from her mother’s alert eyes that her mother was present. Her mother was there.
“Hey Mom, can we talk?”
“Sure Ellen.”
“Do you understand what’s happening to you, how does it feel?”
“I do understand. Sometimes, I feel like I am in a fog. Right this moment, I feel clear and when we were walking earlier I felt clear. But I worry, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, I can’t remember what I did yesterday. I search my mind and nothing. It’s scary.” Joni stopped and wiped her eyes.
“Mom, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Joni held up her hand to stop Ellen from speaking. “I wasn’t done, I just got choked up. I have known myself for almost seventy years. And now sometimes, I feel lost. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am. And then I see something that jars my memory. But being lost in my own mind, that is worse than being lost in a physical way.” Joni looked away and stared for a long time out the windows of the sunroom.
Joni got up and let Miss Morris in. “Remember that vacuum cleaner we had, the one with the finicky plug?” Ellen shook her head to acknowledge her mother’s words. “That’s what I feel like. Right now, I feel the plug is tight in the socket. And sometimes, I feel like the plug is loose or not even plugged in at all.”
Joni went into the kitchen to get fresh water for the cat. Ellen hoped her mother would stay plugged in a little bit longer. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had a conversation like this with her mother. Joni came back and Ellen searched to see if her mother was there.
“Mom, I don’t want to upset you. But I’d like to know something?”
“Colors seem so vibrant, almost alive to me now. And that makes me happy. And I think she is finally with me.”
Ellen didn’t understand what her mother meant about the colors and could feel her attention leaving. “Who is Jack? And what’s up with all of the China books?”
“Jack.” Joni slid into the papasan chair and curled herself up, rubbing the outside of her legs. “He was very special to me.” Joni paused, “He was so handsome, he was beautiful.” Joni seemed to be in another place and time. “How did you find out about Jack?”
“I was reading one of your books from the living room, and he had written some special notes near the binding in one of them.”
“Oh.” Joni stared off and Miss Morris jumped into the chair, purring loudly. Joni smiled and scratched behind her ears. “She loves to be scratched here.”
“Mom, Jack— who was Jack.”
“Zhu was the only daughter of a wealthy family and she was smart. Zhu disguises herself as a man and goes to the university. She meets Liang a smart scholar. Zhu falls in love with Liang, but he doesn’t notice she is a girl. One day a letter comes, and Zhu is called home. Liang travels with Zhu on the journey back to her home. She tries to tell him that she is in love with him. Finally, she says I will match you up with my sister, which i
s really her. When he meets Zhu’s sister he realizes that it was Zhu all along. They swear their love to the death. But it is too late. Zhu is already promised to marry another. Liang hears the news and gets sick and dies. On her wedding day, Zhu goes to pay her respects at Liang’s grave. She is so sad, she asks for the grave to open up so that their spirits can be together. In a clap of thunder… Ellen, are you listening?”
Ellen nodded, shocked at the clarity of her mother’s storytelling.
“The grave opens and Zhu throws herself into the hole to join Liang. Their spirits fly out together as butterflies. Never to be separated again, the butterfly lovers.” Joni sighed a deep guttural breath.
Joni looked at Ellen.
Ellen just sat there. She was trying to process the story and why her mother would have shared it.
Joni smiled. “Jack told me that story along the Yangtze River.”
Joni’s plug was definitely not in tight now, Ellen thought. “You were on the Yangtze River in China?” Ellen asked.
The doorbell rang and it jolted Ellen.
“It could be him,” Joni said and pushed out of the chair. Miss Morris jumped out too. She was amazed at her mother’s speed, again her mother was moving quicker than her. But this time, Ellen made it to the front door before her mother.
Ellen looked through the glass on the door. It was the neighbor, no doubt coming for his coat. Ellen opened the door.
“Hey there, I thought you might be back. Please come in. I’m sorry with everything that went on this morning, I have forgotten your name.”
“It’s Ted.”
“Again, I’m so sorry about not giving your coat back to you Ted.” Ellen reached into the coat closet. “It was just, a little hectic. I feel so bad you had to go without it, it’s pretty chilly.” Ellen handed Ted his coat, and noticed her mother leaning against the doorframe of the living room, she looked entranced and flushed.
“That’s all right. Can’t say what happened this morning happens to me a lot. I do teach high school history, so I do see some things.” Ted looked over at Joni, “Are you feeling better?” Joni just nodded and smiled.
“Well, I can’t thank you enough for what you did. I’m new to helping my mom and I guess I just don’t know what I’m doing yet. In fact, it has only been about three days and I wonder if we’ll survive by the time my sister comes back in six weeks.” Ellen laughed. She looked at Ted’s face. He was rugged and handsome. His salt and pepper hair was cut close to his head, and as he smiled she noticed the wrinkles around his eyes. She would guess he was close to fifty.
Joni stepped forward and looked right into Ted’s eyes and said, “Jack, would you like to touch my breasts?”
“Mom! What the hell?” Ellen pushed Ted out of the door. Before stepping out and closing the door, she looked back at her mother and said, “Behave.”
“Ted, I am so sorry. As you can tell, my mother is dealing with some tangles in her mind. She has Alzheimer’s. And I am dealing with trying to figure out how to be a parent to my mother.”
“No need to explain or apologize. We lost my uncle to dementia about eight years ago.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. But, I ‘d love to pick your brain — okay, not the best choice of words.”
“Sure, I would love to help in any way. It’s a cruel disease.”
Joni peered through the glass by the door. And then Ellen heard the deadbolt being thrown on the other side of the door.
“Shit.” Ellen said. “I think my mother just locked me out of the house.” Ellen reached for the door and it was locked. She looked in and saw Joni walking into the kitchen. Ellen reached in her pocket feeling for the sunroom key, it was gone.
“Do you have a key?” Ted asked.
“No, the keys are in the house. God dammit. I had them in my pocket earlier, but I took them out.” Ellen felt herself getting angry.
Ted started to laugh. “I guess I should have touched her breasts?”
“Oh my god, you are not funny.”
“Ellen, you’re going to need a good sense of humor if you are going to get through this. I have an idea.” Ted walked away and came back with a hammer.
“Okay, should I be concerned about a man that carries a hammer in his car?”
“Maybe…but as luck would have it, this hammer has been rattling around in the back of my trunk from when I moved in.” Ted made a hitting gesture with the hammer toward the glass panel of the door.
Ellen said, “This is a brilliant idea. And no worries I have a glass company coming tomorrow to fix this broken glass, created by a flying paintbrush.”
“Isn’t that convenient for you.” Ted smiled. “Step back, before I break this, may I make a suggestion? “
“Sure.”
“Always keep the keys to the doors on your person at all times.” Ted broke the glass panel closest to the door lock, covered his hands with his jacket sleeve reached in and threw the deadbolt.
“Your castle awaits.” Ted pushed the door open and Ellen stepped inside careful to avoid the glass pieces. “Do you want me to help you clean up?”
“You’re just thinking about another chance at my mother’s breasts. No, I got it. See my excellent repair job on that.” Ellen pointed to bay window.
Ted smiled, “I’m going to check on you on Saturday, and make sure your mother’s still alive.”
Chapter 9
Joni - December 7, 1970
Joni ran her hands over the tattered book. Her mind drifted. After the meeting with the psychic in Norfolk on her nineteenth birthday, Joni knew she had to find a way to the Yangtze River. By the fall, Joni had saved enough money for the trip. On one of her weekdays off from the newspaper, Joni went into the Cosmo Travel in Lynchburg. Surely, a travel agent would be able to help her get to China.
It was a sunny, warm day for mid October, the weather matched Joni’s hopefulness of getting to the Yangtze River. Joni parked and went into the small office. Two waist-high white countertops flanked an opening. Inside the opening sat a woman with jet-black hair teased to look like Priscilla Presley. She wore a bright orange ruffled shirt and a name tag that was about the size of her hand. The name tag read, “Hi, I’m Nancy.” Nancy covered the bottom of the phone receiver, and mouthed the words, “I’ll be right with you.” Joni smiled and wondered how she found the exact shade of orange lipstick to match her shirt. Large posters of different places hung behind Nancy’s desk. Joni picked up a business card from the top of the counter. Joni paced back and forth while Nancy finished her call.
“Sorry about that.” Nancy said and stood up from her desk. “How can I help you today?”
“I’ve been saving for a while, and I want to go to China. Can you help me?”
“China? We don’t book anything outside of the US.” Nancy said, heading back to her desk.
Joni’s heart sank. “Why?”
Nancy grabbed a piece of paper and turned to Joni again, “Cosmo Travel doesn’t do international travel, but why would you want to go to China?” Nancy handed Joni the paper, “And then there’s the war Sweetie, we’re not exactly friendly with China right now. Even if you could get a way there, Americans aren’t even allowed to travel to China.”
Joni was crushed and looked down at the paper Nancy had given her. It read, Grand Canyon Adventure.
“Sweetie, did you see the recent episode of the Brady Bunch? Their trip to the Grand Canyon has really led to some great deals there. How about it? Wanna ride a mule down the trail, like Marcia Brady?”
It took a few weeks to get over the disappointment of the travel ban on China and Nancy thinking that Joni wanted to be like Marcia Brady. Joni had nothing against the Grand Canyon or Marcia Brady for that matter. She’d find another way to China.
Joni’s mind came back to the book she held. When she was a child, she read it every night. Even in high school. But as she got older, she only allowed herself to take it out on her birthday. She was twenty-one today. She stared at the yellow duck on the
cover, tracing it with her finger. She opened the book and read the message written in her mother’s hand on the inside cover:
“Joni, I loved reading this book to you. It was my favorite thing in the whole world, not counting you of course. I hope you always carry your sense of wonder and adventure. And I hope you know how much I love you. Mama”
The tears came. And then her tears turned to sobs, this was why she only did this once a year. It was too painful. The writing inside the storybook was the only thing Joni had directly from her mother. Joni had memories, but they were only fragments. Sometimes Joni would finish a fragment with her own made up memory. And as time passed, Joni mixed the fragments and her created memories, so it became harder for her mind to tell the difference between the two. The fragment that came the easiest and most frequently was the white silk scarf. Each morning as Maude worked to place the silk scarf into her bra, Joni would watch the other end flutter like a butterfly wing. Maude would smile. As Joni flipped through the pages, she would imagine her mother’s hands holding the book and feeling the warmth of her mother’s body. Sometimes, Joni could remember a fragment of her hand pushing the curls from Joni’s face. Joni flipped to the page. Ping is in the reeds on the bank of the river, watching the boat drift away into the watercolor horizon. At the bottom of the page, Maude had written:
“I may be gone, but I am always with you.”
Joni’s chest began to catch and she found it hard to breathe. She needed her mother, wanting her everyday since she’d left her. When Joni had big choices to make or hard things to get through, she always called out to her mother. She wanted her to answer. But she never did. When she was ten, Joni decided that if she ever had children, she would never die on them. Being a mother would be the most important thing in her life, and her children would never know the pain of being without a mother.
