by Shelly Crane
“But what about sleeping? He can still come to you in your dreams.”
“Do you think he still would? After everything that’s happened already?”
“I think he would now more than ever.”
I sighed. I’m not a cursing person but I was silently cursing Marcus Watson. I had wasted so much time with my best friend being selfish and now, she was leaving soon and I was angry that I couldn’t just be with my friend if I wanted to because of some jerk with a megalomania complex.
Caleb touched my cheek to bring me back to reality.
“I’m so sorry. I want you to just be able to do whatever you want. Stay with your friend, work, sleep, whenever you want. I want you to be happy and it kills me that you’re not.”
“I’m not unhappy,” I insisted. “Everything is just happening so fast. Last week, I’d never even been in a fight let alone had enemies, now I have Marcus. Last week, my father didn’t even speak to me and now he waits up to make sure I made it home safe. Last week, I hadn’t spoken to Beck in weeks until the other night and now, I can’t even see her. Last week, I wasn’t going to college and now I am if I can get in. Last week, I didn’t know you.” I felt so strange. I wanted to cry. “And now I do. I just hate all the time I wasted and now I feel like I don’t have any. I feel like I can’t make any-” I almost said decisions but I knew what that word would do to Caleb so I threw it out of my mind quickly. “I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Like everything is happening around me and I’m just standing in the middle.”
His face fell and I’d never seen someone look so guilty before. He grimaced and gripped my hips tightly.
“Ah, Maggie. I never wanted this. That day that Kyle said I didn’t believe in all this, he wasn’t lying. I did think imprinting wasn’t real because I’d never seen it with my eyes. I thought it was over exaggerated. But then it happened to me. And I was so happy. I felt complete for the first time, like I wasn’t just following my parents and doing what everyone else wanted. It was finally what I wanted. And I hate- absolutely hate- that my happiness has to cause you all this trouble. I’m so sorry, Maggie. If I could take it back, I wouldn’t want to, but I would if that’s what you wanted. If that’s what it took to give you your life back, I would go back and never have touched you.”
“Caleb, no, that’s not what I meant at all. I’m happy.”
He smiled sadly and reached up to skim my cheek with his fingers.
“Then why are you crying?” he asked softly.
I wiped the tears away and scoffed. I hadn’t even felt them before that.
“I’m crying because it’s a lot to handle but, that doesn’t mean I want to change it. I don’t want that, I want you.”
“Only because you think I’d be dead without you there to save me. Without that though, I’m sure you wouldn’t want it to be like this,” he said slightly harsh.
I pushed into his mind, as was becoming more common for me. It was almost second nature to me, like it had been implanted in me along with the imprint. Maybe it had.
I felt his heart beating erratic in his chest. It pulsed his sadness through my veins and it choked me with it. He wanted me to be happy above all else, even at the cost of his happiness, his future, his life. I felt the tears coming fast as his remorse flooded me. It was painful to feel how upset he was, how much regret he felt for being so happy about something he thought made me so sad.
I mentally shook my head. I should never have said those things to him and I wouldn’t have if I’d known he felt this way. Couldn’t he see how I felt? That I loved him and wanted him and wouldn’t go back for anything in the world, even if I knew he wouldn’t die. I’d still do it all over again because I wanted him. He belonged to me and I belonged to him.
“I would want it. I do now. I don’t want to change anything, that’s just some of how I feel, not all.”
Why was he not able to feel what I felt for him?
“Yes, I can,” he said gruffly, reading my thoughts. “But it’s hurting you. This thing between us is hurting you,” he growled.
“Thing?” I whispered and felt a ping in my gut.
“Thing. I wish I’d never touched you sometimes, you would never have had to know this world even existed. You could have stayed in your pretty little bubble and never have known different.”
“My bubble was not pretty, Caleb. You know that. And how dare you say you wished you’d never touched me!” I yelled and realized what I’d done. I lowered my voice and looked him straight in the eye. “Do you really wish that?”
“It would make things easier.”
“No it wouldn’t. For you maybe-”
“For you! Your world’s been turned upside down, not mine. I was already stuck in the middle of all this and now I dragged you into it too.”
“If I had a choice, I would go back and do everything the same.” I cut him off when I saw his protest. “And not because of saving you, because I want to...”
He read my mind.
“Be with me? Really?” he spouted sarcastically. “I doubt that, Maggie. I’ve done nothing but cause you trouble from the moment I met you. You’d hate me if your body didn’t force you to want me,” he said bitterly.
“Just like yours does with me?” I countered.
“Exactly!”
What was he saying? Why was he all of a sudden so hell bent on putting it out there that we shouldn’t have imprinted. He regretted meeting me. That’s what he was saying. For some reason I felt like I had when Chad broke up with me. Left behind, unwanted, not special and naïve for feeling like I was different.
It was painful to fight with him, if that’s even what this was, to feel his disappointment and hurt pound through my veins as if it was physically painful. My heart squeezed and not in a good way as my blood was too hot. I leaned back against the tree to steady my legs. I heard myself whimper as my breaths pushed in and out painfully.
He pulled me close and framed my face with his big hands. I would’ve sighed at the contact but I was too upset, though I could feel my body want to accept his offering of calm.
It scared me because it was the very first time his touch didn’t soothe me instantly.
“Ah, baby.” He kissed me quickly and keeping his face still touching mine he continued and I knew he’d been reading me from his tone. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. That’s not what I meant. I want you. I’ve never wanted anything more than you. You’re everything to me and I just need you to be happy. I’m gonna do everything I can to see that you are. I just feel responsible for you and it kills me that this has been forced on you but...I’m so sorry. I take back everything I said. I’m an idiot, ok? Please don’t think that I regret one second of waiting for you. One second since I met you.”
He moved his thumbs to wipe my tears away and I finally felt some of the calm seep into me. He watched me, his blue eyes looked so close to swimming and his expression was sorry and he wondered if he should just shut up or try to apologize again. He couldn’t stand the thought that he had hurt me.
“I’m sorry. Baby, please say something,” he pleaded anxiously.
“I think I like it when you call me baby just as much as I like sweetheart.”
He gave a surprised laugh.
“Maggie. You don’t have to do that. You can be mad at me. You can yell at me if it would make you feel better.”
“It wouldn’t. Besides, it hurts to fight with you.”
“It’s because we aren’t meant to. Like everything else it’ll get easier. You’ll be fighting with me like a pro in no time,” he said joking but his expression was somber.
“I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to doubt. Look. Even though I can read your feelings for me, sometimes I just feel so...unworthy.” He started to interrupt but I pressed my fingers to his lips. “After everything that’s happened to me in the past year, it’s not easy to just know for certain that everything is as good as it seems. I’m sorry too, ok? Will you please not dou
bt how I feel about you? I want this, I want you. I wouldn’t change anything. You said I was everything but you’re everything. I promise not to doubt you again. Ok? Please, promise?”
He smiled against my fingers and pulled my hand down.
“Promise. But you do know, right? How I feel about you is... You’re so funny and amazing and sweet and beautiful. I was half a person before you. You make me feel like everything in my life has been for a reason. I’m just happy that I-”
I stopped him with a kiss because I knew and didn’t need to hear it and felt him chuckle as he pressed closer, pinning me against the tree, my hands on his chest in between us.
His lips took away everything. Every second of hurt or doubt in the past fifteen minutes was now a distant memory. I could hear his family around us now. It was strange that before I’d completely forgotten where we were and that there were others here and now their voices seemed to float back to us.
I pulled back from Caleb a little and he pressed his forehead to mine to keep the contact. I could feel that he’d been hurting just as much as me about our fight, about everything lately and needed to touch me. So I let him.
“You’re so amazing,” he murmured. “I’m sorry. I can’t say I’m sorry enough.”
I nodded and we just stood, sharing breath and letting our touch soothe us as he kept murmuring things to me. I turned my head to look at his family. No one seemed overly worried about us, except Kyle who was glowering but I almost expected that now from him. Then Caleb turned my face back to look at him.
“I have an idea. Why don’t you go to your friend’s house right now?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Are you trying to get rid of me?” I joked.
“Absolutely not. But that way you’ll see her now and then go home to sleep and I can be with you, won’t go crazy worrying about you.”
“Yeah. Ok.”
“Are you ok now? Really?” he asked sincerely.
“Of course,” I insisted. “I think you could cure just about anything.”
He chuckled bashfully which was so freaking cute.
“Are you sure you feel ok?” His hands coasted down my arms. “You still feel a little warm.”
“Yeah.” I did feel warm and my throat hurt slightly but I felt good enough. “I’m fine.”
“Man, I wish we were ascended already, then I could heal you.” He sighed. “Ok. Well, come on. Tell everyone goodbye and I’ll give you a ride you over there.”
He held my hand tight even as I hugged his aunts and uncles, his parents. He wasn’t looking forward to being without me at all today and was now willingly taking me to my friends to leave me there. For me, so I could see her. It was not something he wanted to do at all but was doing it for me. He was worried about Marcus still, they’d try even harder to get to me.
Kyle hugged me and told me about four times how happy he was that I was ok and if I needed anything to call him. That he wished I’d stay there and not go home, that it wasn’t safe for me. Caleb seethed beside me and I peeked back and couldn’t help but want to giggle. In his mind he thought Kyle was trying to take his place. That Kyle had no right to worry over me and I agreed but it was still slightly comical that they were silently fighting over me.
I never, ever in my life thought I’d be fought over before by anyone. And with Chad the other night too...I’m just blown away. It wasn’t as appealing as everyone made it sound.
Caleb took me to the garage and after the helmet was on and I was behind him he started it up and asked me which way to go. I explained the directions and he drive slowly through town to her house.
When we pulled up Rebecca was just getting out of her little black Dodge Neon. She put a hand over her eyes to shield the sun and looked at us curiously. When Caleb helped me off the bike and took off my helmet she squealed and ran to me. Her bag slung over her shoulder banged me in the back at she grabbed me in a hug like she hadn’t seen me in a year.
“Magpie! You came!” She pulled back to look at me, her face open wide with a smile and then she saw Caleb and her grin turned saucy. “And you brought dessert.”
“Beck!” I chastised but heard Caleb chuckle behind me.
“Since when do you ride a motorcycle?” she asked me.
I told her the same thing as Chad.
“Since Caleb drives one.”
“Oooh. Good answer. Hi, Caleb,” she said all sultry and I almost wanted to smack her.
“Hey,” he answered as I pulled myself from her grasp to step back.
I grabbed his hand to try to fill myself with his touch before he left. He squeezed my hand and smiled at me knowingly.
“So, you came to stay with me? Where’s your stuff?” she asked.
“I’m not staying the night. I figured we could just hang out for a while.”
“Ok. I’ll go call for pizza. Caleb, are you staying?”
“Nope. I’m gonna head out but thanks,” he answered and as soon as she was inside he smiled crookedly, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck.
He pulled my face to his and kissed me deeply and slowly. It was possibly the sexiest kiss I’d ever had. The few kisses we had already were desperate and needy. This was full of love and sweetness. He pulled me closer with his hand on my hip and continued to let his lips take me over.
He began to playfully nip and peck my lips. I laughed into our kiss before he eventually broke it gently.
“Are you trying to persuade me not to go?” I asked panting.
“Is it working?” he whispered against my lips.
I smiled.
“So, I’ll get Beck to drive me home later. You’ll come right?”
“Of course. Why don’t you text me and let me know when you’re home?”
“Ok.” I kissed his dimple quickly. “Bye.”
“Bye.”
I turned but couldn’t step. I turned back to look at him and he knew.
“So...it’s you again this time,” he smirked.
“Shut up,” I laughed.
“Go inside and have fun with your friend, Maggie. Then call me and I’ll see you tonight.”
“Ok.”
“Oh, and uh...leave your mind open to me. I need to know what’s going on with you, ok? I know.” He held up his hands in acceptance. “Tyrant. But after everything that’s happened, I need it, Maggie.”
“It’s ok. I’d feel better like that anyway. Just don’t listen to what I say about you,” I jested.
“Never.” He grabbed my face gently and I felt him pushing in my mind so I pushed into his. We’d only done this once before with totality. It was so intense how I could feel everything in him just like it was in me. It wasn’t like normal, just picking up bits and pieces and his heart beat never left me when we were like this. This was everything. “Ok. Now just keep the connection open and I’ll see you tonight.”
“Ok.” I smiled up at him. “Bye, for real.”
He waited until I was inside before leaving and as soon as I turned the corner Beck grabbed me by the shoulders.
“Holy cow, Mags! What was that?”
“What?”
“That! That wasn’t just a kiss. That was a... something that is not just a kiss, kiss.”
“What? I can’t kiss the guy I’m dating?”
“You’re dating him?” she exclaimed.
“Yeah. What did you think I was doing?”
“Trying to piss off Chad,” she said matter of fact.
“No! Why would I do that?”
“Because he’s still in love with you. He was livid at Pablo’s. Li-vid. And I know you said nothing was going on with you and Kyle but I just thought maybe, somewhere in your brain, you were trying to make Chad jealous. I saw him grab you up after graduation like nothing had happened. Like he hadn’t dumped you. Jerk.”
“No. Absolutely not. I really like Caleb, this has nothing to do with Chad.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” I followed her into her kitchen and she began to pour s
ome diet cream soda into glasses. “But Chad come over the other night.”
She gasped and spilled some soda on the counter.
“What? He did? Oh my gosh, what did he say?” she spouted in a flurry.
“That he wanted us to get back together,” I admitted softly.
“Ahhh. Mags. You have guys fighting over you, so sweet,” she crooned.
I hopped up on the counter top.
“It’s not sweet. It was sad. He waited on my front steps for me and when I pulled up on Caleb’s motorcycle, he was so angry. He said he wanted to talk alone so Caleb left. Then he told me he made a mistake and wanted us back together.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I was pretty shocked. So, I told him I was with Caleb and he said Caleb didn’t know me like him, that he knew every time I’d ever been sick, that he knew all my broken bones and Caleb knew nothing about me.”
“Wow, Mags. If this wasn’t Chad we were talking about I’d ask for his number. How romantic is he! Where was all that when you guys were dating?”
“I know! I told him that after he kissed me.” She gasped again. “Yeah. He kissed me, like he’s never kissed me before. It was all tongues and hands and...well, it would have been something if we were still dating. I told him that. I said, if you had kissed me like that when we were still dating, maybe we’d still be together.”
“Holy cow. You’re so lucky.”
“What? Why?” I asked.
Sometimes it was hard to keep up with her demented logic.
“Because having guys fight over you is hot!”
“No, it’s not,” I insisted. “It sucks. Why now? Because he was jealous? Because he finally decided he didn’t want to go to college alone? Why? Why didn’t he do this before I met Caleb? But then I wouldn’t have met him, Beck. And I would take anything that happened to me all over again to meet Caleb like I did because...”
She gaped at me, her glass rolled with condensation in her hand. At first her expression was laced with unbelief and then worry and then realization.
