Lost

by Sarah Ann Walker

  “You have to go? Or you want to go?” He asked simply.

  Exhaling into the phone, I was annoyed by his straightforwardness, but decided on honesty.

  “Well, both actually. I do have to look over my notes because this job is important to me, and I don't know you so I would like to go now. But again, thank you.”

  “Maybe one day I'll be important to you,” he said so calmly I was immediately confused by him. Thinking quick about a kind response, I tried to appease him as best as I could.

  “Yes, maybe you will be. I should go though. Good bye Peter.”

  But again he spoke like he was oblivious to the fact that I was trying to be nice while hanging up quickly. “Have dinner with me on Friday night to tell me all about your first week.”

  “I can't. I have plans,” I lied.

  “Then Saturday.”

  “I have to work.”

  “Really? Where?”

  “I waitress one day on the weekend.”

  “When do you relax?” He asked with a serious tone I was unused to.

  “I don't know. Whenever I'm not working, I guess.”

  “When do you have fun?”

  “When I do,” I stated a little more than annoyed.

  “Where do you live?” He asked changing the subject quickly.

  “I'm sorry?”

  “Where do you live? I think you said you were close to the health food store. Didn't you?”

  “No, I didn't.”

  “Oh, well... do you live close to the store?”

  “No,” I lied again.

  “Okay. Well, I'll see you on Sunday at noon. Are you working then?”

  “Yes,” I lied again as I realized dealing with Peter was suddenly making me a pathological liar.

  “Well, you just told me you work one day on the weekend, which is Saturday, so Sunday you're free. I'll meet you at noon on Sunday at Murphy's in the village. Have a great week, Sophie,” he said cheerfully as he hung up on me.

  And I remember what the fuck-ing my way to the kitchen for some chips. Staring at the cordless phone in my hand waiting to call him back when I cooled down, I thought he was insane and annoying and pushy and just totally what the hell? I also didn't think he would listen to me if I called back to tell him I couldn't meet him on Sunday, so I decided to ignore him completely instead. I decided to ignore him and stand him up on Sunday because honestly I didn't feel attracted to his behavior, but rather irritated and annoyed by it.

  Men didn't order me around and men didn't demand things from me. I always led my own life, and I had never let a man bully me or force me into doing anything I didn’t want to do, so I wasn’t starting with him.

  Remembering that Monday in December, it’s almost funny now how I had no idea that that was the first day of my new career, and it was also the last day of my life.

  CHAPTER 5

  The following days were just as mentally challenging as the first had been, and really, just a total blur for me. I had so much information to retain that I felt like I was back in University cramming for some horrible exam I believed I wasn't ready for.

  I spent every day watching and listening to Carole closely, and I tried to anticipate her answers before she gave them, with honestly only about 50% accuracy. I was overwhelmed still but feeling a little more like myself as I slowly took hold of my surroundings and relaxed a little within them.

  I was also starting to speak casually with the 14 employees in the office, and I learned through asking the sneaky, untrustworthy, private note reading receptionist Madeline to do multiple tasks for me as an 'on the down low', she felt included and much more helpful to me. I understood that by creating a situation where she felt trusted by me, she was actually becoming a little trustworthy for me.

  During my first week in my new career I also received a beautiful vase of blue roses every single day at 11:00 in the morning with a note.

  Sophie

  I’m looking forward to Sunday.

  Have a great day,

  Peter

  P.S. 5 days to go... 4 days to go... 3 days to go... etc. as each day passed with the beautiful delivery.

  I received my flowers everyday like clockwork until Friday when my roses didn't arrive on time. And I'll admit it, I was bummed.

  Originally, I was embarrassed by the deliveries because they were a little much and I didn't like the attention I was getting as a new employee. I knew all the office staff were looking at my flowers, and maybe even reading the notes before I was, which made me nervous of their judgments so soon after I started. I also knew they were all waiting to see if my flowers arrived at 11:00 each day because even Carole asked on Friday if my delivery had arrived, which it hadn't.

  Strangely, on Friday I was rose-less and confused. I thought over lunch maybe Peter had stopped sending them because I rudely hadn't called him again to thank him after each delivery. Or maybe because he was bored with the game already he stopped. I didn't know why, but admittedly, I thought about my lack of roses for the better part of Friday afternoon with a bit of disappointment I couldn't help.

  I was definitely intrigued by Peter and his tenacity, and I was also a woman, so obviously that kind of attention was exciting, regardless of the poor timing for me professionally.

  However, by 4:00 Friday afternoon Madeline came barging into Carole's office with my flowers to my surprise. Practically bouncing, she was dying to hear what the card said, so I threw her a bone. Opening up the envelope beside Carole as Madeline watched on, I burst out laughing as I read.

  Scared ya, huh?

  Just kidding.

  I'm still looking forward to Sunday.

  Have a great day,

  Peter

  P.S. 2 days to go...

  Reading the note again out loud I watched Madeline swoon and Carole grin at me. But I quickly put it away and continued working beside Carole for another 20 minutes until 4:30 when we could both leave early after our shortened lunch break.

  Grabbing my purse and flowers when I left, I felt proud of myself for doing well, and for loving the challenge of my new job. I was happy that Carole had every confidence in me even though I had no previous experience to speak of. And I was also proud that I kept my shit together even though a few times during my first week I was so overwhelmed I could've had a mini-meltdown in my office over lunch.

  *****

  Friday night, when I finally returned home from my long week, Steven was waiting for me outside my door with a bottle of tequila and Chinese takeout, my favorite. Smiling as I walked closer, Steven dropped the food and hugged me so tightly I was nearly bruised until I laughed and shoved him off me.

  “Sooo... were you a rock star this week?” He asked while I unlocked my door.

  “More like the background singer, but I feel like I'm going to rock it soon,” I grinned.

  “Trying to show me up again? You know, good twin versus bad twin? Girl versus boy? Dad's favorite versus Mom's?”

  “Nope. I'm both their favorite and you know it. So you'll just have to stay the pathetic, loser twin,” I said sternly.

  “Ha! You wish,” Steven laughed walking to my kitchen with the food, but I could see he was honestly interested and excited for me, so I spilled.

  “Seriously, it was amazing and scary and totally what I want, but really intense, too. I watched Carole who's leaving, balance getting the office staff to do what she needs done with a firm tone, but without an ego or bitchiness. It's almost an art form the way you have to lead people to work without making them feel like they're being pushed into it.”

  “Kind of like you and your men?” Steven smirked as he spilled half the chicken fried rice on a plate for me.

  “No... Maybe. I don't know if that applies though. I don't lead my men as you call them, I just don't let them push me around. But I did stay with them until I knew without a doubt that they weren't the one for me, that’s all. Like mom and dad knew, and still know. So why make the relationship something it isn't? You know
this, we've gone over this a hundred times. I try to be with a man in a relationship until I know it isn't right and then I leave. And you try out every girl you've ever met hoping to find one that's right. By the way, there's only been 3 serious relationships, but you make me sound like a serial monogamist or something. I'm 24 and I've loved 3 men my whole life, which really isn't many,” I said justifying my love life though I clearly didn't have to for anyone, even Steven.

  “It's all good, Soph. I'm just teasing, and I think you're too awesome to settle, too.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered as Steven leaned in for a side hug.

  I loved my brother, nearly to death, especially in those moments- moments where we just talked, open and honestly with no filters or masks. Steven was my brother, but an absolute joy in my life as well, and I’ve always known if I didn't have to love him because he's family, I would have loved him anyway.

  When we walked back to the living room with our plates piled high, he and I settled in as I described my entire week, minus the Peter thing. I told him about the people at work and about the actual job requirements. I told him everything and he listened to me with rapt attention, until he suddenly hopped up and told me we were going to a pub down the street for too much alcohol to celebrate, which I agreed to.

  After his announcement I changed quickly, and Steven and I walked down the block to one of the first pubs available in my awesome neighborhood for a night of drunken fun together.

  4 hours later, at only 11:30, Steven and I slurring and shameless after horrible singing, endless shots, and one quick table dance later by him, held each other steady as we swayed ourselves back to my apartment to crash. I was such a lightweight drinking, it was always embarrassing but fun to drink, especially with Steven.

  After fighting with the lock while laughing my ass off, Steven fell into my apartment, crawled to the living room, and proceeded to pass out on my couch mumbling, 'Love you, Soph,” while I stumbled for my bathroom before passing out sideways fully clothed on my own bed.

  The following morning at 11:00 while I nursed a brutal tequila hangover quietly and Steven continued to sleep, I answered a sudden knock on my door to another vase filled with my blue roses.

  Smiling at the delivery woman, it took only seconds in my hung over half brain to realize something was wrong though. With a shiver down my spine I wondered how Peter knew my address. I knew I didn't tell him where I lived, and I really didn't think Terry would’ve, but I had to be sure. So diving for the cordless I called the store and waited.

  With a shaking deep inside me, I asked Terry what I think I already knew, and I was right. No he didn't tell Peter where I lived, and he hadn't seen Peter since my last day at the store the week before.

  When I hung up with Terry, I found myself almost panicking as I walked around my home. Walking, I tried to breathe but all I really saw were the 5 vases filled with roses in varying stages of life and decay all over the place. There was a vase in my bedroom, one on each end table in the living room, one on the kitchen table, and even one in the bathroom window. Holding the sixth vase, I suddenly felt overcome with a feeling of discomfort I wasn't used to.

  I felt very unsettled, and weird things didn't happen to me because they had no place in my life. I wasn't a control freak about my life to the extreme, but I was definitely the driver. I didn't allow for others to influence me, and I didn't allow others to hurt me. I was Sophie, and my gut told me something was wrong with Peter.

  After the flowers arrived I waited another 15 minutes until I couldn’t take it anymore and I finally woke Steven from his drunken slumber to tell him everything about Peter.

  Listening to me, Steven slowly woke more and more before I was finished the story of the strange guy I met the week before. After my story while I had Steven’s complete attention I went and grabbed the notebook with the drawing and showed him. I held out the strange black and white notebook as Steven looked on silently.

  “Um, the picture is amazing, but I see how the note seems fucked up. Share a journal with each other? What a freak.”

  “I know, right? Then the roses every day.”

  “Well, that's just a guy trying to get in your pants, Soph. I've done it myself. Well, not with roses, but like bought a girl a coffee every day at her work until she finally gave in, went out with me and we screwed around. It's kind of the same thing, except an expensive way of bedding you.”

  “What about the look from Terry?” I begged.

  “Maybe he was jealous. You are-”

  “I doubt it. I wasn't hippy enough for Terry. He just liked me as an employee,” I said sure of my take on Terry.

  “Sophie, no offense, and though it grosses me out to admit it, guys think you're pretty hot and I'm sure Terry wouldn't have minded sleeping with you, just like I'm sure this Peter wants to.”

  “It's not about being good looking. Terry knew I wasn't like that, or his type. I think he knows something about Peter that made him look at us weird. And fine, maybe Peter just wants to screw me, but how does he know where I live?”

  “He followed you?”

  “What? That's creepy!” I gasped. “Men aren't supposed to follow women home. Would you?” I asked knowing the answer.

  “Um, I have. Sure...” That was not the answer I expected to hear from my brother. “I once followed a girl from the bank who was super hot smiling at me inside the bank, so I made a game of it. Every time she turned around on the street, I smiled at her until she finally stopped beside her car and we started talking. I got her number and even went out with her a few times.”

  “So you're a total freak, too,” I accused feeling a little better.

  “I think all guys can be when they're trying to get laid. Seriously, I've followed women, and I’ve bought them things. God, I’ve even serenaded them at karaoke bars. I once begged a girl on my knees in front of her friends for her number, making them all laugh at me. But I got her number, and I got laid, too. Actually, I have about a 90% success rate with my wild attempts to score chicks,” he grinned, making me groan.

  “Ew... Visuals, Steven,” I moaned as he laughed.

  “Sorry. I say meet him tomorrow for lunch and see what he’s like. It's just lunch in a crowded pub so you'll be safe, and I’ll meet you there to make sure you’re safe. I'll sit across the room and we can have a secret hand signal if you want so I'll know when to interrupt to get you out of there if he seems too creepy,” he said smiling at his stupid secret hand signal idea. “Meet him for lunch and see if he's a freak, or just some guy who was taken with you and wanted to impress you with roses. Maybe he's awesome. You never know.”

  “Okay, but this isn't the way I usually do things,” I admitted in my defeat.

  “I know, but you're too rigid with your 'forever plans' Soph,” he quoted. “I think you know before anything has even started with a guy if you're gonna leave him. Look, I knew you were going to leave Joseph the first week you started dating, though he was totally in love with you right from the beginning. Even Dad knew you were going to love Joseph, but not love him as your 'forever',” he quoted again. “You don't seem to even give a guy a chance.”

  Plopping down on the couch beside Steven, I felt totally offended. “I do give them a chance. I was with Darren all through my teen years, and Derek for a year and a half. I was even with Joseph for 11 and a half months, so I'd say that's giving them a chance. But why stay? If I know there's something I'm missing, why would I stay?”

  “I agree you shouldn't settle, but I also think you always find something wrong with them and you can't let it go. You're not perfect Sophie, and neither is anyone else.”

  “Wow... I know I'm not perfect, Steven. What a shitty thing to say.”

  “You're really not, Soph,” Steven cut me off. “You have all these shitty things about you that we have to put up with,” he said seriously.

  “Like what?” I asked shocked.

  “You always tap your foot when you're pissed, letting everyone know we
did something wrong. Like now,” he said as I stopped moving my foot.

  “I can't help that! It's like a nervous twitch or something,” I whined.

  “And you always have to pee. Like always. Every single road trip, or vacation, or even short drive to the mall we ever took had to be mapped out by mom and dad for the closest bathroom.”

  “Oh my god, because I have a small bladder I'm not perfect?” I asked laughing.

  “And you're really bitchy when you have PMS. Mom used to warn me to stay away from you when you were PMSing, which incidentally I didn't want to know because then I had to think about you on your period which was gross for me. But at least with the heads up, I knew not to bug you too much that week.”

  “Piss off, Steven. I don't have PMS, and I'm never a bitch.”

  “Are you PMSing right now? Because you just told your twin brother to piss off, and you've hurt my feelings,” he said pouting.

  Laughing at his fake pout, I caved. “Okay... I get it. But honestly, I know I'm not perfect. I do know that. But I try to be, so I'm not disappointed in myself.”

  “But you don’t have to be. Ever. You're pretty great, Sophie, so just relax. Meet this guy for lunch, talk to him and see what he's like before you walk away. If you're still weirded out by him, then you'll know. But just give him a chance to be weird, okay?”

  “Okay,” I relented. I figured if Steven could be a stalker when trying to get laid, then maybe Peter could be, too.

  A half hour later, Steven showered quickly and left my apartment for his own. He loved my nice apartment and hated his crappy one a few blocks away in a different part of town. So before he left, we talked about him moving into this part of town when his lease was up in 2 months. I even promised to keep an eye out for a vacancy in my building, though the chances were pretty slim.

  The people who lived in my cool walk-up were lifers. The only reason my unit even became available was because the older woman who lived there for 18 years met an older man and they moved in together. Otherwise, most people in our cool 8 unit building had been there for years because everyone knew what a gem the building was.