“Oh, Mama,” Katerina had responded. “What have I done to deserve this punishment? I have never willfully tried to hurt anyone. Perhaps I’ve shown too much vanity and am being chastised for too much pride. I’ve come to believe that it is my fate to never feel free and happy ever again.”
Kyria Maria knew that she would not be able to console Katerina and didn’t try to fake comfort. She believed Katerina’s words and had sadly contemplated the same herself. This daughter might very well be lost to a fate beyond her control.
In the church, Katerina brought herself back to the present, felt the cold stone column at her back and tried to control her thoughts. She had nowhere to look but at Ophelia and Michael and she stared at them vacantly, as if in a trance, throughout the lengthy Greek Orthodox wedding ceremony. She was aware as each aspect of the traditional wedding ceremony took place but felt outside of herself, not really believing that this ceremony was truly happening. Never could she have imagined it. Never could she have foreseen it. She stared, hearing her heart first break as if an earthquake had torn it apart and then shatter into tiny little shreds that could never be put together again.
Knowing the never-changing ceremony of the Greek Orthodox Church so well, she was aware in a dream-like manner of each specific ritual as it unfolded--such as the white candles being handed to the bride and groom. She observed the exchange of the rings, the blessing of the rings, and the placing of the rings on the right hands. She heard the priest bless the stefana, the beautiful wedding crowns joined by a ribbon, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit before placing the stefana on the bride’s and groom’s heads. She observed the koumbaro, or bridal sponsor, who in this case was Michael’s brother, step behind Ophelia and Michael and interchange the crowns on their heads three times.
Katerina distantly noted that the brother was rather clumsy in the handling of the stefana, and she had the sudden desire to giggle uproariously but managed to swallow the little burp that reached up her throat. She somewhat heard the priest’s voice drone on and on in reading the Gospel, but that didn’t matter because the ceremony never changed and she knew the words by heart. This very long ceremony continued with the wedding couple drinking wine from the common cup and then being led around the table. Finally, thank God, the priest concluded by removing the stefana from Ophelia and Michael and beseeching God to give them a long and joyful life with an abundance of children. First asking God for forgiveness, she intoned, “May that never happen. May your lives be short and infertile.
So that part was over. But she still had to stay for the reception—at least for a little while.
At the reception held in the church’s courtyard, she greeted her sister and brother-in-law by congratulating them in a remotely polite manner and wishing them happiness. She said the right words but didn’t mean them and didn’t care that they knew. She couldn’t touch them and couldn’t look at either of them directly in the eyes, but she managed to remain poised. They didn’t look at her directly either, but Michael saw enough of her to make his heart stop. She was the one he loved and had given up, he thought as he quickly reassured himself that he had made the right choice. After all, he deserved to have a bright future and had so many impending dreams for his life. In any case, it was much too late to feel regret he thought. Ophelia saw enough of her to feel a pang of sympathy, but it was her own bride’s day and she wasn’t about to waste energy on the little sister who had always been a thorn in her side. She had also always loved Michael and deserved him as much as Katerina. She had had to maneuver a little, or maybe a lot, to end up in this position, but, surely, she reasoned, God must have approved or she wouldn’t have become Michael’s wife.
As Katerina stoically turned away from the newlyweds, she bumped into Giorgo. Repulsed, she quickly stepped back and almost ran away. She hadn’t expected to see him at the wedding and felt a chill sweep through her at his touch. His touch was very light this time, but she still recognized it as he steadied her from falling. His voice was low and gentle when he said, “Katerina, I’m so glad to see you looking well. I hope you will allow me to come to your house and speak with you when your mother is there. I know how badly I have misused you and I must explain myself. What I did was very wrong and I hope you will be able to forgive me.”
Katerina gaped. Could this be the same man who had raped her brutally? He seemed so sincere and caring. Perhaps he was her fate after all and perhaps she was carrying his child. She didn’t want to be naïve or stupid, but she had to think of the future, and, now that Michael was no longer attainable, it might be best to come terms with Giorgo. Hopefully, he was being sincere.
“Giorgo,” she stated in a low, emotionless voice. “You have indeed hurt me beyond anything I can express. If you are truly the person you appear to be at the moment, you may come by. However, if you are only planning to hurt me again, please stay away. I don’t know how much more my heart and soul can take.”
He looked at her frankly and said, “This is who I am, and I will come to your house at the end of next week.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Giorgo casually strolled down the road which led to Katerina’s house the following Wednesday at 11:00 in the morning. The weather was still very pleasant and relatively warm. Usually it would have rained by this time of the year, but this year was unusual in many ways. There were a few clouds in the sky but an overall atmosphere of peacefulness pervaded the atmosphere. Giorgo always carried himself with an air of confidence, bordering on arrogance, which only enhanced his looks and added to a sense of mystery about him. He resembled his father in many ways. Tall with broad shoulders and black hair, he was a man that many women would look at twice at least. Giorgo was strong as an ox and wouldn’t hesitate to take on any man who wanted to fight him. Sometimes he just wanted to fight and would start an argument at an imagined slight. His reputation for being short-tempered was well known and most men wanted little to do with him. This Wednesday he appeared unruffled and relaxed, even benevolent, as if he had no cares in the world. Bare-headed and wearing casual working clothes, he was carrying a small package in his left hand.
He greeted all those he saw respectfully and went as far as to help Katerina’s next-door neighbor, a grandmother—not Katerina’s—that Katerina called Yiayia, or grandmother, out of respect and love. Yiayia was also a well-known medicinal woman and had helped birth many children. He cheerfully helped Yiayia throw hay into the barn for her donkey and tilted his head forward deferentially as he left to go and knock at Katerina’s door.
“Bless you my child,” Yiayia shouted after him thank-fully. She was still strong but was beginning to feel her age and appreciated any amount of help she received. She thought to herself, “Maybe that Giorgo isn’t really as bad as his reputation makes him out to be. Maybe his exploits or bad deeds have been exaggerated. I wonder what he is doing here and hope that it is something positive for my neighbors.”
Katerina and Kyria Maria had heard the commotion next door and knew he had arrived. They had been on pins and needles since the previous Sunday wondering about the words he had spoken to Katerina and speculating about his purpose in visiting. They were appreciative and impressed by how well he had treated their elderly neighbor, as he knew they would be. Giorgo knew their customs as well as anyone and could turn on a waterfall of charm whenever it would benefit him. Acting as if out of kindness and using good manners always impressed his fellow Greeks.
“Mama, he was like a changed man,” Katerina had reported. “He seemed compassionate and sorrowful, which is hard for me to accept after what happened when I was alone with him. We all know he comes from a bad family, but maybe there is more to him than we know. Maybe he deserves another chance. I hope I’m not being naïve again, but I’m really worried about my future.”
“My child, let’s first talk about the possibility of your being pregnant and discuss all of the alternatives. Sometimes you are very soft hearted and too quick to forgive. I don’t want to
overly influence you here, but we have to be thorough and very practical or we will get lost in the emotions. I want to give him every opportunity to atone for his sins against you, but I don’t want to give him any occasion to hurt you more.” “
First, let’s say that you’re not pregnant but that Giorgo wants to marry you. Would you be willing to marry him? Let’s then look at your being pregnant and he wants to marry you. Would you be willing? Let’s also look at your being pregnant and aborting the child. At this stage of pregnancy an abortion would be easily possible. You know that Yiayia next door has the knowledge to give you the right herbs for the child to pass through you. Of course, there will be pain with that but not beyond anything you can’t bear. She would do that for you and no one would be the wiser. We both know that abortion goes against our religious teachings, but sometimes practicality must be balanced with religion.”
They had started this discussion over coffee on Monday morning, lingered through the afternoon and evening and continued into Tuesday. Feeling foolish, they had even tried reading their coffee cups as if the shapes the coffee grounds made could actually predict the future. They were aware that the church frowned on this practice but were too desperate to care. They had even gone so far as to ask their neighboring Yiayia to look at their cups, but she could see nothing more definitive in the coffee cup patterns than they had. Finally, they put the cups aside and continued with their conversation as logically and analytically as they could.
Katerina kept changing her thoughts on what would be best. She wanted to make the best decision not only for herself but also for her mother. She didn’t want to see her mother humiliated as the target of local gossip, and she knew that people had already started to talk and that they were not necessarily being kind. She had experienced that gossip first hand and wondered who had started the rumors.
At the well below the village, when Katerina had gone the day before to bring back water to drink and to wash clothes, she had overheard Kyria Hariklia from the village say something like, “What can you expect when a girl has no father or older brothers to keep her in line? She has had too good an opinion of herself and probably led Giorgo to the wrong conclusion. If nothing else, I know she flirted with everyone and probably flirted with him too. And the way she dances is outrageous and makes her appear ready for the sex that is condoned only in marriage! She’s obviously letting the men know that she’s available with or without the sacredness of marriage. The priest should probably speak with her and point out the error of her ways.”
Kyria Eleni, another village woman who was having this conversation with Kyria Hariklia, nodded her head in agreement. “That girl has been spoiled by her mother. The mother has babied her and has allowed her much too much freedom. And to think that Michael from Ano Kourouni was interested enough to think of marrying her. What a fool he would have been to propose to her. We know that he could never be elected mayor with her by his side. He is better off with her sister who is sensible and modest. Ophelia is definitely the better wife for him. She will always put him before herself. I don’t know if you’ve heard but rumor has it that she and her mother…”
When the two women caught sight of her and stopped the conversation mid-sentence, Katerina acted as if she had not overheard them. She greeted the two neighbors and went about her business as if nothing were wrong. She felt the stabs inside reverberating like knife thrusts being flicked through her, but she was not about to show them how they had drawn blood. She knew that the village had little entertainment other than the village gossip and couldn’t bring herself to despise them. “Poor things, she thought. “I hope I never become like them.”
They, however, feeling guilty, tried to draw her into conversation. “You probably haven’t heard from Ophelia yet; after all, it’s only been two days since her lovely wedding and she’s probably staying inside the house with her husband as much as possible. You know how newlyweds are. I bet there will be an addition to their family within the year.”
Katerina muttered an unintelligible reply and quickly finished loading her containers with water. The knife thrusts had hurt from the first conversation she had overheard, but they penetrated doubly from the questions about Ophelia and Michael. Yes, the newlyweds might well be busy starting a family.
What she had overheard told her that her mother was being criticized as much as she herself was. She forgave the two women for their words because she knew how the village people talked and observed and questioned. They were not being intentionally cruel but simply insensitive. This is how they had grown up and they were not likely to change; they wouldn’t even know what to change to. She didn’t approve of this aspect of village culture, but the fact was that their words mattered to her and helped her make her final decision about what to do with Giorgo and the possible child.
On Monday morning, her inclination had been that it would be best to abort the child. She had explained her position to her mother: “To abort the baby would be the cleanest way of dealing with this. It will almost be as if nothing happened. People may know some things but no one will be totally certain and they won’t dare speak about this openly. Yiayia next door will not give us away and Ophelia will not speak because she won’t know about the abortion. The only think that Ophelia can do is talk about the rape, but she may be afraid to do that since it may implicate her and have everyone wondering if she had some role in the assault. Besides, at this point she will be very concerned about protecting Michael and ensuring a good future. She would enjoy the life of a politician’s wife and the respect that would be shown to her.”
Her mother had nodded her head and said, “You make sense in what you say. It will be the cleanest option and that’s what we will do if that’s what you want. I totally trust Yiayia and am no longer concerned that Ophelia will put us, and herself, into a compromising position.”
By Monday night Katerina had altered her view and felt it would be best to marry Giorgo. She explained her change to her mother by saying, “The church considers it a sin to willfully abort a life, and it will be difficult living with that sin since I believe what the church preaches. Furthermore, Giorgo may not be the monster that I thought he was. I tell you Mama that this past Sunday he was a different man from the one who was such a brute. I think that I should marry him whether I’m pregnant or not. Even if people don’t gossip about me much, they will always have the impression that I did something wrong and no man will ever want me enough to marry me.”
Again, her mother nodded her head and said, “I understand what you’re saying and am only concerned about what is best for you. You know my love will always be with you and will follow you everywhere even after I’m gone. You are my heart and soul. I just want to be sure that you can trust him.”
After coming back from the well on Tuesday, Katerina felt assured that Monday’s decision would be the best option. She had heard the women and could imagine the rest of her life in the village as the butt of their jokes and gossip. She didn’t mention the conversation to her mother because it would cause more pain and grief in her mother’s heart and she didn’t want to name the women because they were supposedly friends with her mother. Katerina merely repeated what she had stated the previous day and felt a level of relief that she had not had for some time. Her decision was made, she would wait for Giorgo to arrive, and they would go forward.
They heard his knock and immediately opened the door to invite him into their small, sparsely furnished living room which basically had a fireplace, a wooden table, a small couch and two chairs. The cots her brothers slept on had been folded and stored in the bedroom. Thinking of her brothers, Katerina was glad that they were too young to understand what was going. On the walls hung beautiful blankets that Kyria Maria had woven on the loom as part of her dowry years before. These bright blankets were multi-colored with geometric designs repeated over and over. On the fireplace mantel stood a portrait of Katerina’s father from many years earlier. He had been a kind man that she remembered f
ondly and often missed. He had been such a reasonable person and never raised his hand or spanked her in anger. The few times he had smacked her bottom had been more difficult for him than for her, and he had done it more out of the need to show her guidance than to truly discipline her. This is what he had said and she believed him because he had explained to her the responsibilities of being a parent and his sorrow in having to spank her with a couple of swats.
At their invitation, Giorgo entered the room and sat in one of the chairs. He took out his little package of sweets and handed them to Kyria Maria asking her to please accept a small gift for allowing him the chance to perhaps redeem himself in their eyes.
Katerina made them some coffee and poured it into the small, demitasse cups. As they slowly sipped, Giorgo asked permission to begin: “Kyria Maria and Katerina, I have come to explain myself today and hope that you will listen to me with open minds. I must have been crazy to have treated her as I did and I only want to make amends.”
They nodded their heads and he continued: “Kyria Maria, I would like to marry Katerina. She may not want to marry me after my atrocious behavior. I don’t even know how to comprehend, much less explain, what I did. I’m not looking to make excuses for myself, but I truly don’t understand how I was capable of such stupidity, arrogance, and violence. Please, please forgive me, or, if that’s not possible, please allow me to show you I’m not the vulgar monster you believe I am. I must be a very weak man to have lost total control of myself and hurt Katerina so intensely. Perhaps it’s because of my great love and attraction, but, again, I can’t use those feelings as excuses and I know that love is not expressed through rape.”
No Forgiveness Page 4
