by Rona Halsall
It’s not me. It’s not. I’m just tired.
She hurried downstairs and made herself a coffee, got a couple of chocolate biscuits out of the tin to boost her energy levels and sat at the table with her laptop, ready to do some research on Mia’s symptoms. Perhaps there was another possibility that she hadn’t thought of.
After half an hour, she kept coming back to the same conclusion.
She rang the doctor’s surgery and spoke to Carol.
‘I’ve ruled out everything except poisoning of some sort. I’d like blood tests to see if we can narrow it down. I wonder if you could book me in on Monday to have that done.’
‘So… can I just ask, is she still ill?’ Carol sounded a little hesitant.
‘No, she’s fine today. It’s amazing after last night, but she walked to Conwy with my dad this morning.’
Carol laughed. ‘Well, that’s a relief. But Becca… you need to listen to yourself. Your daughter is fine, and if she can walk all that way, I’d say there’s nothing to worry about. Kids that age put all sorts in their mouths.’
Becca sighed. ‘That’s what Dad said.’
‘Maybe you should listen to him. He helped bring you and your sister up no problem, didn’t he?’ She laughed. ‘But I think we need to put your mind at rest – I know what it’s like when you get a worry stuck in your brain, I’ve been like that myself. I’ll pop you in first thing on Monday, before the rest of the morning appointments. Okay? But if it is some sort of poison, it’ll probably be out of her system by then, won’t it?’
‘Thanks, Carol. You’re probably right, but I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to Mia.’
‘No problem, love. You enjoy the rest of your weekend and I’ll see you Monday.’ And with that she was gone.
Becca sat for a moment, unsure what to do. Carol was right – a blood test on Monday wouldn’t be much use. Still, it wouldn’t do any harm either. Not a pleasant experience for Mia, said a little voice in her head. And then she was in two minds again whether it was a good idea or not.
To distract herself, she went on to Twitter, her eye drawn to a new message in her inbox. Connor. Her heart skipped as she clicked on the icon.
Thanks for being honest with me. I always wondered exactly what happened, and I feel better for knowing the truth. I never stopped loving you, Becca x
She sat staring at his words, too dumbstruck to formulate a sensible response. The truth was, she didn’t know how she felt about anything any more.
She closed her eyes and could see his face, that cheeky grin, his eyes so full of love. She allowed herself to imagine his arms encircling her, pulling her to his chest while she wrapped her own arms round his waist. They’d stood like that for ages on the beach, listening to the waves, just enjoying the moment, the being together.
She’d thought it would never end. Had built a whole future in her head. At first, she hadn’t minded that he was a free spirit, moving around, picking up casual jobs to fund his surfer lifestyle. Hadn’t minded that he lived in a campervan. It had all seemed so romantic, so different to how she’d lived her life up to then.
At the time, she’d accepted that with Connor she’d never be rich, but she’d liked the idea of a minimalist lifestyle without the burden of possessions, a house and everything that went with it. She’d felt liberated from the rat race, and with that had come the freedom to be herself. Connor hadn’t been bothered what job she did. All he’d been interested in was her as a person. They’d talked a lot about dreams.
Then she’d realised she couldn’t live like that forever. Her biological clock was ticking towards thirty and she wanted a family. Not just one child, but a little gang of them, and once she’d shared this with Connor, said she was ready to settle somewhere, there was a tension between them, a pulling in different directions.
It wasn’t real, she told herself now. How could you live like that with a child? It wasn’t practical. I made the right choice, she reassured herself, opening her eyes and scanning her lovely house. I wouldn’t have this if I was with Connor. Then another little voice piped up. But you’d have a husband who wanted to spend time with you.
Her jaw clamped tight. That wasn’t fair. Dean was working for their future. It’s what you had to do when you had a family and were running a business. But still, she thought, ambition is overrated. Think of all the time he’s missing with Mia. And with me.
She read Connor’s message again, typed a reply.
What are you doing now? Still chasing the waves in a campervan?
She was surprised when a response came a few moments later.
Lol! Those were the days, weren’t they? No, I have a job now and a salary and a house in Sydney. Respectable citizen at last. Just need you to come back and life would be perfect. Xxx
She slammed her laptop shut, not able to think about his words because there was no denying the pull of the past, the yearning to turn back the clock and make a different choice.
16
The sound of the door opening stopped her thoughts from going down the treacherous road, and she got up to see Frank trying to manoeuvre the buggy inside. Mia was fast asleep, and Becca held the door open while he pushed it into the hallway. Once she’d checked that her daughter was warm enough, she wheeled the buggy into the kitchen, where she would let Mia come round at her own speed. She checked her watch. Half past four. If she left her too long, she’d never get her to sleep at bedtime.
‘I’ll give her half an hour,’ she said to Frank, voice lowered. ‘Let’s have a cup of tea, shall we? You must be tired after all that walking.’
Frank grinned at her and she could see that he had a hint of colour in his cheeks, a spark of life in his eyes that had been absent before. ‘It was perfect. Made me realise how much I’ve missed walks like that. Ruth said the same. She’s often on her own so we’ve agreed we’ll do a walk once a week. Maybe on a day when she has Mia.’ His grin broadened. ‘Oh, she reminds me of you at that age. So much energy. And curious as a cat. Never stopped chattering and asking questions.’
Becca waited for the kettle to boil and poured water into the two mugs. ‘Sounds like you had a lovely time.’
‘I did that.’ He gave a happy sigh. ‘It was wonderful. Haven’t enjoyed myself so much since… well, for a very long time.’
She handed Frank his mug of tea and walked through to the lounge, feeling his eyes on her back, a shimmer of awkwardness in the air.
‘I’m sorry about earlier. I feel so bad about upsetting Ruth,’ she said when she sat in the corner of the sofa, legs curled beneath her, mug hugged to her chest.
Frank sat on the armchair to the other side of her and blew on his tea before taking a sip. ‘It’s all right. I explained everything to her. She’s a very understanding woman. And wonderful with Mia. You’ve found a gem of a childminder there, I’d say.’
Becca nodded, still distracted by Connor’s message, her mind taking her to places she didn’t want to be.
‘Are you listening?’ Frank said, his voice louder than before, and she jolted upright, realising she’d been staring into space.
‘Sorry, Dad. I’ve got a lot on my mind.’
He nodded, his lips a thin line. ‘Too much if you ask me. You worry about things that really don’t need worrying about.’ He looked her straight in the eye. ‘Now I know you won’t listen to your old dad, but have you thought… that maybe it’s a bit too much for you? The responsibility of nursing and having a little one running you ragged? Especially with your husband not here to support you and…’ He tailed off, took another sip of tea, his eyes never leaving hers.
She clasped her mug a little tighter. ‘I’m fine, Dad. Absolutely fine. It’s just with Mia being ill and having a few nights without sleep… it catches up with you.’
Frank sat back in his chair, his gaze on the rug in front of the fire.
She wondered how to change the subject, fed up with always being the focus, like some creature being dissected under a micros
cope. ‘Anyway, have you heard from Kate? Has she said when she’ll be back?’
He gave a little laugh. ‘Do you know, I haven’t even looked at my phone today. It’s been lovely.’ He pulled it out of his pocket, his brow furrowed as he stabbed at the screen to access his messages. ‘Ah, here we go. She’s got a meeting on Monday, won’t be back until Tuesday.’ He smiled at her. ‘Tell you the truth, it’s been good to have a break from that sister of yours. She can be… Now this is going to sound mean, but she’s a bit of a bully on the sly.’
Becca was about to laugh, because the idea of her big, gruff dad being bullied by her sliver of a sister was funny, but then she caught the expression on his face, and she knew he was being serious.
She frowned. ‘Are you two not getting on?’
Frank shrugged, his body language telling her he maybe wished he hadn’t said anything. ‘It’s not that. Most of the time it’s fine, but she has an idea of how things need to be, and if…’ He sighed, sadness in his eyes. ‘Don’t take any notice of me, love. Everyone gets narky sometimes, don’t they? But I just feel like I’m in the way, you know?’
His voice cracked and Becca’s heart felt like it was about to snap in two. Poor Dad. It was obvious that he was still struggling, and she knew what he meant about Kate. She was one of those people who was usually sunny, but when the clouds came in it was a big old thunderstorm that you just had to sit out and hope there was no damage done at the end of it.
Does she bully him? It wasn’t impossible to imagine – Becca knew Kate was frustrated with having to keep an eye out for Frank. But then, what did she really know about her sister’s life? Very little was the answer, and she resolved to be in touch with her more.
Dad’s just as much my responsibility as he is hers.
‘You know you can come and stay whenever you want, Dad? It’s been lovely having you, and we’ve got the space now. I’m not that keen on being here on my own when Dean’s away, and Mia’s loved having you to play with.’
If he came over to keep an eye on Mia while she caught up with the housework, it would be a blessing. Perhaps that was the extra help she needed to tip everything back into balance.
He beamed at her. ‘I’d love that.’ Then his face fell. ‘Have you decided what to do about Ruth and childminding? She felt awful letting you down at short notice and then finding out it was all a big mistake and she can carry on. What do you think?’
Becca cringed. ‘It feels slightly awkward after today. I made a right fool of myself, didn’t I?’
‘I’ll have a word with her, shall I? I know she’d love to look after Mia again.’
‘How about she comes round Monday morning and you both do it? Mia loved that last time.’ Becca noticed how Frank’s face had lit up when he’d mentioned Ruth, and she’d feel more comfortable with Frank there as well. There was something about Ruth that wasn’t sitting right with her, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Still, Becca had been more than happy with her up to now, and she was the best-rated childminder in the area. ‘I think you’d like that as well, Dad.’
She thought he might be blushing. It was the perfect solution: Ruth doing some childminding and covert elderminding at the same time. She won’t think of it like that, Becca thought, hoping she was right. They seemed to have hit it off, though, Frank and Ruth, and she hoped their friendship would develop as that would take the pressure off both her and Kate.
Mia’s wails rang out through the kitchen door, signalling the end of naptime, and Becca gulped down the rest of her tea. ‘Give her a ring, Dad.’
17
Becca had a lovely day with Frank on Sunday, and she felt that her world had started to spin in the right direction again. He took them out for lunch and then they had a wander down the pier, Mia having a go on a couple of the rides, excited to be walking ‘on top of the sea’. They even spotted a seal. The sun shone, the weather was kind and Mia was her normal, bubbly self, making them both laugh. It was the nicest day Becca had had for a very long time. She didn’t allow herself to consider what that said about her marriage.
She even managed to push Connor to the back of her mind, where he belonged.
On Monday, Frank came to the surgery with her to take Mia for her blood test, distracting her while the sample was taken and promising a treat for being such a brave girl. There were only a few tears and Becca told herself it was the right thing to do as she waved goodbye to them and focused on her work for the morning.
Her phone rang when she was on her way back home after her shift, the ringtone telling her it was Kate. She pulled over to answer.
‘Hey, sis,’ Kate said. ‘Just checking in on the old fella. I tried his phone but he’s not answering, and I was getting worried because he always answers straight away, like he’s sat there, looking at the damned thing, willing it to ring. Is he back at home?’
‘Oh, he’s fine. Nothing to worry about. He stayed the weekend because Dean’s not going to be back until late today.’ Becca laughed. ‘It’s been great actually. Nice to have some company, and Mia loves having him around.’
Kate’s breath rattled down the phone. ‘That’s such a relief. Didn’t want to think of what might have happened. It’s such a worry when he’s on his own. I always think it just takes one mad moment and then…’ Becca was glad Kate didn’t finish her sentence.
‘Nothing to worry about. It’s all good. I’m just on my way back home now, actually. He can stay for tea, then I’ll drop him off this evening. He said you’re back tomorrow.’
‘Slight change of plan, I’ll be back tonight. I’ve got a meeting this afternoon, so it depends how long that goes on for, but I’m going to come home after that. Might be quite late. I’ll give you a call when I’m on the train, then you can wait till I’m back before you drop him off. He won’t want to go back to an empty house if he’s had company for a few days.’
‘Okay, no worries. Did you have a good weekend?’
‘Bloody marvellous.’ There was laughter in Kate’s voice. ‘I feel like I’ve been let out of prison.’
Becca cringed. ‘Oh God, it’s not that bad living with Dad, is it?’
Kate snorted. ‘We have our moments, I can tell you. He’s a stubborn man, that father of ours. And he’s so messy – drives me nuts. Anyway, I feel refreshed and ready to be caged in again for a little while.’
Guilt grabbed Becca by the scruff of the neck. It wasn’t fair that Kate felt her life was so limited. ‘Look, I’ve been thinking he should come over here more. Dean’s away just about every other week at the moment, so that’ll give you more time to yourself.’
‘Well, that would be fantastic. Honestly, Becs, I’d really appreciate it.’
‘It’s the least I can do, and I’m sorry I’ve been so rubbish at helping since we moved to Llandudno.’
‘Oh, it’s okay.’ There was warmth to Kate’s voice. ‘I know it’s tricky with Mia hating to be in the car. But if we can sort out some time at your house for him, then that really would ease the pressure a little. I think we’re getting on each other’s nerves at the moment.’
They said their goodbyes and Becca hurried home, feeling better about a lot of things, having now cleared the air with Kate. A turning point had been reached and her focus was back where it should be, with her family. Just a little dip, she told herself. Back on track now. And she allowed herself to imagine days out with Frank and Mia, thinking how much she’d enjoyed adventures with her dad as a child. How lovely it would be to build those memories with her daughter.
She was humming when she opened the door.
But stopped when she heard the shouting, accompanied by Mia’s wails. She dashed into the lounge to find Dean and Frank squaring up to each other like they were in a boxing ring and Mia curled in a corner with her hands over her ears, sobbing her heart out.
‘What the hell is going on?’ Becca demanded, looking at the men’s angry faces.
They glared at each other, silenced by her sudden appearance.
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‘I was telling him he should support you more rather than gadding about all over the place,’ Frank said, a vein throbbing in his neck, his complexion an unhealthy shade of red.
‘What’s he doing in my house?’ Dean demanded, frustration in his eyes. ‘I told you I didn’t want him here until he could be civil. Soon as I walked in the door, he started on at me for leaving you on your own. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to run an events business without going to bloody events?’ His sentence ended much louder than it had started, making her jump and Mia launch into a fresh bout of wailing.
Becca’s first thought was her daughter, and she went to pick her up, the child clinging to her, wet cheeks rubbing against Becca’s neck as she held her close, Mia’s little fingers curling into her hair.
A knock on the door made them all turn.
‘That’ll be Ruth,’ Frank said. ‘She just went out to get some milk.’
Becca hurried to the door, Mia clasped to her chest, her little body still shuddering with sobs. She smoothed her daughter’s hair, shushing her gently, and instead of letting Ruth in, she stepped outside, closing the door behind her.
‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she whispered to Ruth as she pulled her down the driveway a little. ‘Dean and Dad are having a bit of a barney, and Mia’s beside herself. I just walked in on it. Will you take her while I see if I can calm things down? They look like they’re going to belt each other any minute.’
Ruth’s face paled. ‘Dean wasn’t here when I nipped to the shops. I know you said they don’t get on, but I didn’t think things were that bad between them.’
