by Cameron Lund
“Actually, a beer sounds good.” I grab one out of the cardboard container and crack it open. It’s warm and flat, so I know it’s probably been sitting in the trunk of someone’s car for months.
“Fine, Penelope. Do what you want.”
“I don’t need your permission.”
“Clearly.” Kai laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “So who did you kiss this time?”
“Nobody,” I say, clenching the edges of the can so hard it dents. “Just you, unfortunately.” I take another unpleasant sip. “But don’t you think it’s weird, I dunno, how cool everyone is being about it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like I showed up here tonight fully expecting that everyone would claw my eyes out. But they’ve all been . . . friendly. I mean, you were just playing hacky sack with all those guys! Those were Jordan’s teammates, Kai. Those guys should hate you.”
“Who I hook up with isn’t any of their business, so—”
“It’s because they think we’re in love!” I hiss at him.
Kai’s face goes bright red. “Where did you hear that?”
“You’ve been getting all the same comments for years, haven’t you? Everyone joking that we’re secretly pining for each other. Before I got with Jordan, I mean, even after I got with Jordan—the jokes never stopped.” I let out a barking laugh. “Our friends have been shipping us.”
Kai lifts a beer off the table and then sets it back down. “Fuck. Yeah, it’s been relentless.”
“That’s why they’re being so nice. They think we’re together.”
“So maybe we should get together,” Kai says, cracking his knuckles.
“What? No!” I squeeze the can in my hand a little too hard again, and some beer spills out the top.
“Not for real, Penelope,” he says with a harsh laugh. “But . . . we could pretend.” He runs a hand through his hair, takes a deep breath. “I mean, this is our lifeline, right? If we get together, we’re not the assholes who cheated on our significant others at a party for no reason. We’re not cheaters who threw everything away for one stupid night. We’re cheaters who fell in love. People might forgive that.”
“Everyone forgives a good love story,” I say, echoing Sarah’s words from the other day. “But what about Jordan and Olivia?”
“If they see us acting all disgusting and happy together, they’ll be jealous, right? Jordan will want you more than ever.”
“I don’t want Jordan to think I’ve been lying,” I say, because really that’s the most important thing. If we go through with this plan, what will Jordan think of me?
“Olivia is competitive,” Kai says. “You know that’s true. If she sees you with me, she’ll want me back just to take me away from you.”
I don’t like that he’s made my friendship with Olivia sound so cruel, like everything between us is one big chess match. This isn’t Game of Thrones. “Olivia is my best friend,” I say. “Don’t minimize that, Kai.”
“And he’s my best friend,” he says. “And Olivia too. You’re not the only one going through this. You’re not the only one who lost something.”
I feel myself softening a bit at that. Because he has a point—in all of this, I’ve been so caught up in my own heartbreak, I kind of forgot Kai was dealing with some heartbreak too.
But it’s too risky. There are too many variables, too much that could go wrong. “I don’t think this is a good idea.” I don’t want to help Kai, and I don’t want his help. “Let’s just go talk to them, okay?” I take a few steps closer to the fire, walking down the beach and scanning for an overly tall Jordan-shaped shadow. Kai follows behind me.
And that’s when I see them.
Jordan is on one of the camping chairs, long legs spread out in front of him, and Olivia is sitting on his lap. She’s leaning in close, hair falling around him like a curtain, and they’re kissing.
I abruptly stop walking and Kai bumps hard into my back. It feels like I’ve been hit, the shock of it stealing my breath. I’m in a horrible nightmare and soon I’ll wake up and it will be the first day of summer, and everything will be how it was supposed to be: Jordan beside me in his bed, that morning-after grin, our perfect senior year laid out in front of us.
I knew this might happen. Of course it might. Olivia and Jordan are both attractive people with broken hearts. Why wouldn’t they comfort each other with their mouths? It just hurts because I know it’s my fault. I was wrong before—this is the horrible moment all those ripples of bad decisions have led up to. This is the tornado.
Olivia pulls herself away from Jordan and notices me, and there’s a smile on her face, triumphant. I win, it says. I came here to apologize, but that smile makes me want to run away. It makes me feel like this is unfixable. It makes this whole thing feel like a game I’m currently losing instead of a fight with my best friend.
Jordan looks at me, pressing his lips together in a tight line. At least he looks a bit guilty.
“Who invited Pukey Penelope?” Olivia smirks.
“Olivia,” I say, her name like an open wound. I want my best friend back, the one who laughs so hard at my jokes she sometimes snorts soda out of her nose. The one who threatened to punch Gabe Pinkerton in the face last year when he told everyone I had a flat ass. The one I was going to move to LA with to start our new lives. The spicy tomato soup to my extra-sharp Vermont cheddar grilled cheese.
But I know how much I must have hurt her. I don’t know if there’s any way to make things better.
“If you’re planning on sitting with us,” Olivia says, “don’t. I have nothing to say to either of you.”
“Oh, is this your fire?” Kai sits down on a log directly beside her. “I didn’t realize you built it. Did they teach you that in Girl Scouts?”
“You’re one to talk about setting fires,” Olivia says.
I’m still hovering on the outside of the circle, afraid to get too close. My gaze meets Jordan’s, and he quickly looks away.
“Can we just talk about this?” Kai says.
“I trusted you.” Olivia’s voice is quiet, and it sounds more fragile than I’ve ever heard it. “I trusted both of you. I’m done talking about it.”
I take a step closer, joining the circle. “I’m sorry, Olivia. I wasn’t thinking. I care about you both so much.” I fix my gaze on Jordan, and he looks away again. I’ve become a person he can’t even look at.
“See, that’s what I don’t get,” Olivia says. “You’re always thinking. You overthink literally everything.” I can see the hurt in her eyes hardening into anger, and I brace myself for impact, ready for whatever terrible words I know are coming my way. She takes a few steps closer to the fire. I can see the flames reflected in her eyes. “Do you actually care about me? Like for real? Or do you just, I don’t know, like me for what I can give you? You try so hard to get people to like you, Penny, but they don’t, do they? Your dad left. Your mom is never around. Honestly, Jordan is better off without you.”
This is what she wants, I realize, this public humiliation, this admission she’s better than I am in front of everyone. And even though I probably deserve it, Olivia bringing my parents into this hurts.
I’m about to reply when Kai interrupts, his words so loud and out of place that we all go quiet. “I’M IN LOVE WITH PENELOPE!”
“What?” Olivia and I ask in unison. Everyone on the beach is facing us now—Danny’s beer can frozen halfway to his mouth, Romina and Myriah whispering behind raised hands. “I knew it,” Katie says. Myriah grins, gives me a discreet thumbs-up.
“Fuck,” Kai says, running a hand through his hair. He shrugs, an embarrassed smile on his face. I can’t tell if he’s faking the embarrassment or the smile, but I know he’s faking everything else. “I just . . . That’s what’s happening here, okay?” He tucks his hands in his pockets, looking down at the ground like
he’s some ashamed schoolboy. “It’s all my fault, all right? I’m so sorry, Olivia. But don’t blame Penelope. This isn’t her fault. I kissed her because I’m in love with her. And now you all know.”
He’s laying it on a little thick. But maybe this is the best way. Olivia and Jordan don’t want us back—they’ve got each other. And I can’t watch them together without something to show for my awful mistake. I need Kai. And he needs me. It won’t have to be forever. Just long enough to save face, to make everyone forget about our mistake, to show our friends they’re right: we’re not horrible people. All I can hope for is that Kai is right—that maybe seeing us happy together will make Olivia and Jordan realize they want us back.
“Well,” Olivia says. There’s a small smile on her face that is honestly more confusing than everything else. “Then I guess it’s all sorted out.”
“This is so messed up,” Jordan says. “If you were in love with my girlfriend, you should have told me. I would have . . .” He cuts himself off. He would have what? I don’t want to think about the end of that sentence. I don’t like this assumption that I’m someone—something—the boys can claim or trade. Like I don’t have a say. “How long has this been a thing?” Jordan stands up, coming face-to-face with Kai.
I’m trying to read his expression, his body language, figure out what his reaction means, how it relates to his feelings for me.
“I don’t know,” Kai says, running a hand through his hair. “Like kinda forever?”
Jordan’s fists are clenched, his shoulders rigid. Is he jealous? Is this working?
“Jordan, please,” I say at the same time Olivia says: “Jordan, sit back down. It’s not worth it.”
And he does. He turns away from Kai and goes back to Olivia, sitting down next to her in the beach chair. She snakes an arm through his, pulling him close. Like she owns him.
Fine. I can play this game too.
I take a step closer to Kai. And then I take his hand in mine and fold myself into his arms like I belong there.
NOW
“SO ARE YOU GUYS, LIKE . . . together now?” Olivia is laughing, and the sound of it mixed with the smoke from the fire, the warm beer sitting heavy in my stomach, and the clammy feeling of Kai’s hand is making me slightly dizzy. The look that comes to Jordan’s face makes me feel like I might cry. His mouth is open and his forehead wrinkled, but it’s his eyes that get me—they look betrayed. Like maybe I’ve just made everything worse.
But he’s with Olivia now. Isn’t he?
Kai’s arm tightens around me, and I try not to flinch. “Yeah,” he says. “We’re together.”
“This is so epic!” Danny holds up a hand for Kai to high-five, and when Kai doesn’t let go of me, Katie swoops in, smacking her palm against his.
“I’m getting out of here.” Jordan stands so abruptly he accidentally knocks over his chair. “I don’t need to see this shit.” He turns and walks quickly back toward the path in the trees, pulling his hoodie up over his head. I want to chase after him, but I know I can’t.
Olivia sighs heavily, her smile gone. She stares at Kai for a minute, her eyes narrowed, and then she flips around and scampers up the beach after Jordan. Olivia isn’t supposed to be the one who gets to comfort him. This is all wrong. I watch as they disappear into the trees, my heart in my throat.
Once they’re out of sight, I try to wriggle out of Kai’s arms, but he holds on, nodding toward all the other people who are still sitting around us in the camping chairs, watching intently. I need to get out of here. I want to be alone, want to stop touching Kai, want to be somewhere I can process everything that’s just happened.
“I need to get home,” I say, trying to unclench my hand from Kai’s, but his grip is like a claw.
“Okay, let’s go.”
“No,” I say. “I mean, I’m leaving.”
“Babe,” he says, leaning in closer to me. “Let’s get out of here together.”
I don’t like that he’s calling me babe. It’s what Jordan always called me, and the sound of it stings. And I know couples leave parties together all the time, but the implication that we’re going to hook up again makes me uncomfortable. With Jordan and Olivia gone, pretending like this feels so strange, like we’re performing a play without an audience. Still, I know with the way news travels around school, we have to keep this up in front of everyone or we’ll be caught in the time it takes to send a text.
“Fine.” I squeeze his hand harder and start pulling him up the beach. “Let’s go home.”
Kai turns around, saluting the rest of the partygoers with his free hand. “See ya later, buddies. Happy birthday, Danny!” He’s still so cheerful and it infuriates me. I keep dragging him away and he stumbles a bit in the sand.
Once we’re on the path under the cover of the trees, he finally lets go of my hand. I stretch my fingers, rubbing at them to bring back circulation. Kai takes his phone out of his pocket and turns on the flashlight as we walk.
“Oh my god,” I say. I feel electric all of a sudden, alert from the wrongness of everything. “So we’re doing this. Are we actually doing this?”
“Yeah,” Kai says. “I mean, yeah. There’s no turning back now.”
Kai is right. We can’t take back what just happened—can’t unsay the words we said. The only way out of this mess is through it. We just have to stay together for long enough that it feels realistic, and then we can break up.
“But we . . .” I pause, trying to think of the best way to phrase it. “Do you think we’ll be able to pull this off? We don’t really . . . get along.” The only thing worse than faking this would be getting found out.
Kai laughs softly, the flashlight casting shadows on his face. “It’ll be okay. I’m a good actor.”
We walk in silence for a few minutes, and then soon we’re at the trailhead, where all the cars are parked. Jordan’s car is gone, but Olivia’s green buggy is still here, and I feel a swooping sickness as I realize that means they left together.
“Let me drive you home,” Kai says. “You’ve been drinking.”
“I had a beer.”
“That’s a beer more than I had.” His words feel like a criticism again, and it makes my skin prickle. Still, I follow him to his car. A part of me wants Jordan to see my car parked on the side of the road tomorrow morning when he brings Olivia back for hers. A part of me is that petty.
Once we’re driving, I turn to him. “So, we should probably have some ground rules.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Like, I just think this all happened so suddenly and I want to talk about it.”
“Okay, let’s talk.”
“Okay,” I say. “Well, you’re not really saying anything.”
He glances at me with a wry smile. “You’re doing enough talking for the both of us, babe.”
I bristle at the word. “Don’t call me that.”
“What’s wrong with babe?”
I pause for a second—it feels too personal to tell Kai the truth. But the thing is, he already knows what’s wrong—if he stopped thinking about himself for just a minute he would remember all the times he’s heard that word come out of Jordan’s mouth. “Jordan calls me that.”
The road is dark and winding, thick trees lining either side of the car. There are no streetlights out here by the lake, but we’ve all driven these roads so many times we have them memorized. Kai is drumming his fingers against the steering wheel even though there’s no music. It strikes me then how alone we are—just the two of us on a dark road in the middle of nowhere. I’m not sure why I got so easily into this car with Kai after what happened between us at the party.
“All right,” he says after a minute. “Then what can I call you? Sweetie? Shnookums?”
“Anything besides babe.” I don’t want this thing with Kai, whatever it is, to ruin the memory of what I had
with Jordan. Those memories are special; they’re real. This game we’re playing right now is just that: a game.
“My precious?” he asks, and I swat his arm.
“Not that either.”
“Okay, so what are the rules?” he asks. “How long are we doing this for?”
We’re on a busier street now, a few scattered houses and stores: all places that remind me of Jordan. I have to turn away when we drive by our tree. We pass the Upper Crust on the left, and I think back to the horrible conversation I had there with Jordan just yesterday: the sharp, acidic smell from the dumpsters as he told me he didn’t want to be with me, how pathetic I felt to be turned away. The memory makes something in my stomach tighten. This thing with Kai has to work.
“We just have to stay together long enough to get us out of this mess.”
“Long enough that it feels believable,” Kai says.
“Then we stage a big fight. Something loud and messy and heartbreaking.” Before I can stomp it down, the image is in my head again: Jordan and me in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle, his arm around my back, kissing me like I’m the only girl in the world. “Disneyland!” I say. “At the senior trip. I need to be back with Jordan by then. I’ve been looking forward to it all year.”
“Of course you have,” he says. “How cute.” His voice does not sound like he thinks it’s cute.
I scowl at him. “This is our best chance. And if I don’t get Jordan back, well, then . . . at least we’ll still look less terrible in the eyes of our friends.” The idea of not getting Jordan back is too horrible to think about, and I push it away.
“Aw, you always look terrible in my eyes,” Kai says.
“Can you not make jokes like that at a time like this?” I say. “You’re making it really hard to pretend I like you.”
“You don’t like me,” Kai says, leaning closer. “You love me.”
“Just because you said you loved me doesn’t mean I’m going to say it back.”
Kai barks out a laugh. “Ouch, Penelope.”
