by Cameron Lund
“She probably did something bad to you first.”
“Sort of,” I say. “It’s not that black-and-white. We both did something bad to each other.”
“Olivia isn’t very nice to you.”
His words take me aback. “You just saying that because she won’t date you?”
“Nah, she’s definitely a smoke show. But your whole friendship is basically you guys telling each other how hot you are. You’re always calling each other all these stupid pet names: the soup to my sandwich, the tea to my bag or whatever. Being friends with someone isn’t just telling them how cool they are.”
It all sounds so fake now when Seb says it. But it didn’t feel fake while it was happening. I never realized what was so obvious to my little brother this whole time.
“Maybe you should be a psych major.” I pick up the pair of sunglasses again, tapping them against my palm.
“You gotta go to Disney,” he says. “Don’t tell me I’ve had to suffer through the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack our entire lives for nothing. You’ll regret it if you don’t go.”
And I know he’s right. I’ve worked hard for this, have been daydreaming about it for months. I can’t let my anger at Kai stop me from living my life. I should go on the Disney trip because Sarah asked me to, and because I want to, and isn’t that enough? This is my Hawaii, it occurs to me suddenly, my heart beating madly in my chest. This is my Hawaii, and I won’t ever let a guy take it from me.
NOW
IT’S STILL DARK OUT when my mom drops me off at the school parking lot on her way to work. It’s a long drive to the parks, so we’re supposed to be in the bus as early as possible to beat traffic. We’ll be staying the night at a hotel in Anaheim and then hitting Disneyland the next day before riding back home. It’s awkward to be in the car with her after spending the whole week in avoidance mode. We didn’t talk the whole drive over, the dark roads and quiet morning a good excuse for both of us.
Now when I move to get out, my mom stops me. “Be safe, okay?” She hands me a thermos of coffee. “Text if anything happens.”
“It’s not like you’d even see my text,” I say, and then feel terrible when her face crumples. I know by taking the time to drop me off this morning, she’s making an effort. I think back to what Seb said to me last night: Maybe it’s easier for you to be mad than to deal with your other emotions. He was right. And I don’t want to be that person anymore. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
“No,” my mom says. “I deserve it.” She sighs. “I know I’m not always around, but I really am trying. It’s tough being a single mom.”
“We just never get to talk about stuff anymore,” I say, my words hitching in my throat. “I miss you.”
That’s the truth of it. I miss her. I’m not angry with her, not really. It’s just that I’m a little tiny bit heartbroken.
I think then of the two of us designing dresses for my stuffed animals with colorful markers when I was little, decorating holiday cookies, eating handfuls of buttery popcorn while I begged her to watch The Little Mermaid for the eighteenth time.
“I know. I miss you too.” She takes my hand, squeezes, and I’m reminded of when she used to drive me to school and drop me off, before she worked mornings, before I started carpooling with Olivia. “There’s no guidebook for being a mom. Sometimes I try, and I mess things up.”
“You shouldn’t need a guidebook to tell you to spend time with us.”
She shuts her eyes. “I know, baby. But this goes both ways. When you were little, you were always home, and so loving and chatty about everything. You were interested in the world, always asking me questions, eager to learn. And then you grew up, and I was so happy that you found all those friends, but it’s like you forgot yourself a bit in the process—forgot me a little bit too.”
“That’s not true.”
“I’m not saying I haven’t messed up. But . . . sometimes I want to talk about things too. It’s hard to get a moment with you. I know you don’t need me anymore, I know you’re growing up, and that’s wonderful, but sometimes that’s hard for a mother to deal with. You’re always out of the house on some adventure with your friends. Whenever there’s a problem, you just run away from it. I want to be here for you when things get hard. You had a crush on that boy for so long, and when you broke up, you didn’t want to talk to me about it.”
“You knew about Jordan?” I ask, surprised.
“Of course.” She gives a watery smile. “I’m your mother. I know everything. But I want to hear the details of your life from you. I want you to choose to share.”
It never occurred to me that my mom could be feeling the loss of our relationship too.
“I thought you didn’t want to know.”
“Of course I do!” She pauses, then takes a breath. “I’ve decided I’m not going to date anyone for a little while, actually. I think I need to be alone for a bit. Spend my time with you both.”
I should be relieved, but instead my stomach twists. “I don’t want you to be unhappy because of my—”
“Oh no,” she says. “This is what I need. I think . . . I think I never let myself properly heal from your dad. I’m just so angry with him for leaving us, but there’s another part of me that’s . . . always been keeping a spot in my heart open in case he comes back. And that’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to Steve, who has been nothing but wonderful. I think I push people away so I can’t get hurt again. And I got so used to pushing everyone out that I pushed you and Sebastian away too.”
Before I can help it, tears sting my eyes, her words breaking something open inside me. Maybe my mom and I are more similar than I ever knew—because I’ve been pushing her away too, have turned into a destructive, selfish person that I don’t like.
My mom smiles and rests her hand on the weird backpack I made, the elephant-like face with the purple bonnet. “What is this? Is this Mrs. Potts?”
“Yeah.” I’m embarrassed because of course I want her to like it. “It’s part of a costume.”
“Belle,” she says. “You always did love that movie. You’re so talented. I love all the things you make. You’re so special, baby girl.” Her words make me feel light and floaty—because they are finally the right ones.
“Thank you,” I tell her, then take a deep breath and get out of the car, walking over to the bus. There are teachers standing around all over the place with clipboards, checking us in and looking through bags to make sure nobody is sneaking in any illegal contraband. I know people still will, though. If there’s one thing my class seems to be good at, it’s sneaking alcohol into places and then drinking too much of it. I should know.
I walk by a group of girls and hear them whispering, fragments of sentences following me as I pass: I heard she and Kai broke up . . . it was all fake the whole time . . . Kai and Olivia . . .
I turn away from them, trying not to listen. I scan the crowd for my friends, bracing myself for their reactions when they see me now that they know the truth. That’s when I find Sarah. She’s wearing a pair of noise-canceling headphones, nodding along to some music I can’t hear. I don’t know why I ever let my fear of what people might think hold me back from talking to her, because right now I have never been so relieved to see a friendly face in my life.
I walk over to her, and she tears the headphones off. “Penelope! Didn’t think you would actually show.”
“It’s Disney,” I say, grinning. “I wouldn’t miss a trip to the happiest place on earth.”
Sarah scoffs. “Any place where there’s a high chance of getting puked on by a crying child cannot be referred to as the happiest place on earth.”
“I think you secretly love it,” I say. “Oh, wait, actually . . .” I pause, spinning my backpack around and pulling out the ears I designed for her. “I made these for you.”
She takes them from me t
entatively, like she’s afraid they might burn her skin, then turns them over, examining them. “There are cats on here.”
“They’re Disco Cats.”
“I can see that. Fuck, Penelope.” She sighs. “Are you really going to make me wear a symbol of an evil corporate empire on my head?”
“They sparkle,” I point out.
She sighs dramatically and puts on the ears. “This is the worst thing you’ve ever done to me.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I brought some snacks if you’d like to partake.” Sarah holds a canvas bag in my direction. “We’ve got extra spicy Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, some gummy worms for the pain, and La Croix if you want to be fancy.”
I laugh because the image of Sarah with her big headphones and her loud mouth drinking a can of Pamplemousse just gets me. I reach into the bag and take a handful of gummy worms.
I’m midchew, worm dangling half out of my mouth like I’m a baby bird, when I hear a voice behind me. “Harris.”
I turn and see Jordan, and quickly suck the rest of the worm into my mouth in a panic. He looks scruffy, like he just rolled out of bed, in a pair of RHS sweatpants and sweatshirt, his hood thrown over his head. It looks good on him. What is it about guys in sweatpants? I’m reminded again of how excited I used to be at the prospect of waking up next to him. Of seeing him just like this.
His hands are stuffed into his pockets, his shoulders hunched, and he seems . . . nervous. To talk to me?
I turn back to Sarah, and she nudges me forward with her elbow.
“Hey,” I say to Jordan, tentative. “Um, what’s up?”
He looks questioningly between Sarah and me, probably wondering why we’re standing together. “Can we talk?”
I think back to the last time Jordan and I spoke—how I came clean about the plan and put into motion the series of events that ruined everything. But maybe it was all for the best. Because at least now everything is out in the open. Now I know Kai and Olivia’s big secret.
“Yeah,” I say. “We should talk.”
He pulls his hood down and runs a hand over the top of his head. “Okay, cool. Well, you wanna sit together?”
I look back at Sarah. Did she want us to sit together? I don’t want to leave her by herself. But I owe it to Jordan to explain everything to him. And I want to hear his side too.
“Don’t let me hold you back from true love,” she says, pushing Jordan and me together.
“Are you sure?” I ask her.
“Dude, Penny. It’s fine,” she says. “You two should figure out your shit.”
“Okay,” I tell Jordan, following him tentatively onto the bus. We find a seat toward the back, and I feel a little bit like I’m going to throw up as I scan the rest of the seats for Kai or Olivia. Luckily, neither of them are here yet.
But the others are. Myriah and Romina are sharing a pair of earbuds, their heads bent close together over someone’s phone. They glance up at me, and I look away, too afraid to make eye contact. I’m not ready to face the disappointment I know will be in their gazes.
We slide into a seat in front of Danny and Katie. Jordan and Danny do some complicated fist bump, and I watch the emotions flit across Katie’s face as she notices me there beside him—watch the internal struggle as she decides whether she’s supposed to be my friend. Eventually, she smiles.
“Hey, Penny. I heard about you and Kai. That sucks.”
“Yeah, well,” I say, because they’re the only words I can manage. The pain still feels so fresh, so new. It’s weird, but walking down the aisle of the bus in front of everyone with Jordan, taking this seat beside him, back where I belong—it doesn’t make me feel the same kind of powerful that it used to.
I sit by the window, and before I can stop myself, I’m scanning the parking lot looking for Kai. Jordan squeezes my knee and I turn back to him, startled.
“You know he’s late for everything.”
“Oh,” I say. “I wasn’t . . .” I trail off. I don’t want Jordan thinking Kai is on my mind. Kai is done. He’s over. And Jordan is right here.
“It’s weird, huh?” He leans closer to me and gives me a reassuring smile. “Like, all the shit we went through this summer and now we’re right back where we started.”
“We are?” I don’t feel like the same person I was a month ago.
Jordan sighs, then lowers his voice. “I ended things with Olivia. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
And it’s funny, because even though they’re the words I’ve been waiting all summer to hear—ever since I saw them kissing on the beach and felt like my world was ripping apart—when Jordan says them now, it just makes me feel sad. Not for me, but for Olivia.
“Oh,” I say. “Is she okay?”
“I mean, it’s kind of fucked up what they did to us, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” I just don’t know how everything got so complicated.
I remember the ears I made for Jordan then and pull them out of my bag. I made them back when we were still together, before everything this summer got so messed up, and I don’t know if he’ll still want them. But they feel like a peace offering. So I hand them to him. “I made these for you.”
He takes them, turning them over in his hands. “Oh. Nice. You know, we should take a picture in these tomorrow at the park. You wanna meet up in front of the castle?”
I can see us in my mind like always—walking hand in hand down Main Street, posing for the perfect picture in front of the castle, the couple all other couples want to be. But then the vision is replaced with a new one: me pulling Kai onto Splash Mountain, staging a fight, and pretending to break up like we planned. It’s the second image that makes me sad, that makes me feel like I’ve lost something. But Kai and I are done. And everything I went through this summer was to get back this moment in front of the castle with Jordan. It was the whole point.
Just then, Kai’s Jeep pulls up outside the bus window. My pulse quickens, nerves tingling at the thought of seeing him. I watch as the Jeep doors open, and he tumbles out, one of his arms in a sweatshirt, the other half of which is flying behind him like a flag. He’s pulling his beanie onto his head, his sandals sliding off his feet as he races toward the bus. My heart warms a bit at the sight, at how cute he looks all disheveled. But I push that thought away. He’s not allowed to be cute when I’m this mad at him.
Then the other side of the Jeep opens, and I watch as Olivia climbs down from the passenger side. My stomach drops. I should’ve expected they’d be together. I mean, here I am sitting with Jordan. But the thought of them comforting each other makes me a little sick.
I watch as they walk onto the bus, preparing myself for what I’ll say when they pass by, but they take a seat together at the front and don’t even look my way at all.
“Okay,” I tell Jordan. “Noon tomorrow in front of the castle.”
NOW
JORDAN FALLS ASLEEP almost immediately after we leave, his head resting on my shoulder. I try to join him, squeezing my eyes shut, but I’m too anxious about everything to calm down enough to sleep. Instead, I stare at the scenery passing by outside the window and think about everything that went wrong.
When we get to the hotel, we all wait together in the lobby as the teachers get everything organized and check us into our rooms. It’s warmer here, and brighter than at home, and it really feels like summer. There’s an excited buzz in the air as everyone departs the bus, all the Disney-themed restaurants and billboards coming into sight. There’s happy tinkling music playing from the speakers in the lobby. Even though I’m anxious about everything going on, it’s hard to be that stressed when “A Whole New World” is playing.
I’m sitting in one of the lobby chairs waiting to check in when Kai catches me off guard, sitting down in the chair next to me. “I saw you guys sitting together.”
I flinch. “Yeah, well. I saw you guys sitting together too.”
“Olivia really needs a friend right now,” he says, which makes me feel terrible. “So are you and Jordan back together?”
“No,” I tell him. “I don’t know. But getting Jordan back was the whole point, wasn’t it?” I’m only saying it to spite him, but when I see the hurt on his face, I immediately regret it.
“Yeah,” he says, running a hand down his face. “Yeah, I guess it was. Is that what you want?” he asks, his voice low. “Because if it is, I’ll leave you alone. Just tell me to back off and I will.” He raises his arms. “Promise.”
It’s momentarily hard to breathe. I don’t know what I want. Kai hurt me, and I don’t know if I can ever let that go. And even though I don’t think I want to get back with Jordan either, there’s a part of me that’s still too bruised.
And so I do what comes so naturally to me. I push him away. “That’s what I want.”
Kai looks at me for a beat longer and nods. “Okay.”
Then he spins away from me and disappears out the front doors of the hotel.
* * *
• • • • • •
Olivia and I both try our best to convince the chaperones to let us switch rooms, but the damage has already been done, the room placements all fixed. We’re stuck with each other.
After we’re all signed in and given our key cards, we have an hour to settle and get changed before we’re all supposed to head to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. Olivia and I walk to the room together in silence, pointedly Not Looking at each other. We wheel our suitcases into the elevator in silence, and both reach for the button to the fourth floor at the same time. She gets there first, and I pull my hand back as she pushes her finger aggressively into the button. We avoid each other’s gazes as we walk silently down the hall and then stop in front of room 426.
